topic My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it in PTSD and trauma

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

scat — Tue, 09 Feb 2021 11:58:27 GMT

My father was an abusive drunk. My mother divorced him in 1983 when I was 18. He remarried a woman who watched him abuse me and kick me out of my home when mum signed over the house to him on threat of death if she tried to claim it in the divorce settlement. The gold digger and her children moved in and she married my father. He died recently and the gold digger did not tell us. I found out from a local hairdresser. I requested a copy of his will. It was dated 1991 and he left my brother and I $5 each because we never went to see him even though he violently drove us out of our home. my brother did visit him 3 years ago to make contact again. What bothers me the most is the lawyers who wrote his will think that we are arseholes for not seeing our father but he drove us away. I can't sleep, I am drinking way too much and I am swinging from deep rage to absolute depression over this and I deal with it. My father was sacked from his job for drinking when mum divorced him and he and the gold digger have never worked a day in their lives since. My mother worked her arse off in that house, even keeping debt collectors at bay. She did all the maintenance and ended up with nothing. She passed away from pancreatic cancer 9 years ago. The gold digger is laughing all the way to the bank at our expense. I have no idea how to get over this. We cannot contest the will because he left us $5 and I want to avenge my mother but I am not sure what to do

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

Sophie_M — Tue, 09 Feb 2021 12:32:46 GMT

Hi scat,

Thanks for reaching out here tonight. We know it's not always easy to open up and we are really grateful that you had the courage. We're so sorry to hear that you had such a difficult upbringing, and that your father has now died. We can understand that this would leave you with some complex feelings considering the complex circumstances. We hope you know that you're not alone in this, and there are others in our community who will understand what you are going through.

Can we ask if you are receiving any mental health support? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You might also want to speak with a Blue Knot Helpline childhood trauma counsellor - 1300 657 380 Monday - Sunday between 9am - 5pm AEST - https://www.blueknot.org.au/

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully a few of our members will be by to welcome you over the next few days.

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

blondguy — Tue, 09 Feb 2021 13:09:15 GMT

Hi Scat

Good on you for having the strength to post on the forums...Im sorry for the loss of your dad.....and after reading all of your post ....the passing of your mum 9 years ago as well

You have been through a rough time with your upbringing...which is an awful place to be in even after what we have been through...I understand your pain Scat and its still fresh for me as well

I really hope you can post back...when and if you want !. Just a note...The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you....(and me)....to post

Paul

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

geoff — Tue, 09 Feb 2021 20:54:18 GMT

Hello Scat, a very difficult thread to open up to people you don't even know, but from what you've told us it's absolutely disappointing to know how he mistreated you, your brother and most of all, the mother you dearly loved and who worked so hard just to keep the house running, only because he had threatened her in unrealistic ways, only a person who is intoxicated would ever do.

If you believe in karma then you will out best of all, once this has been able to subside, and that will not happen easily, I'm really sorry.

If your mum paid off the debt collectors, then the house maybe in need of repair, which the gold-digger may not be able to afford, so she may have to sell at a reduced price before the bank takes over, actually a loss for her and a bonus for you, that's karma.

We hope you can get back to us, because we'd really like to keep talking with you.

My best.

Geoff.

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

scat — Fri, 12 Feb 2021 04:18:03 GMT

Thank you Paul. I just didn't think it was possible for someone to be crueler in death than what they were in life. I rang the solicitor today to tell him to donate the $5 to a charity for domestic violence but apparently I cannot even claim it until my evil step mother dies. So that was an extra kick in the guts. You would think at 55 this would not bother me but all these years later that man still causes me great pain

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

scat — Fri, 12 Feb 2021 04:29:10 GMT

Thanks Geoff, When were were babies my mother left him and moved to another state to be near my grandparents. He followed a while later and left a debt on a business he ran. That caught up with him when people turned up to take away the car. She took him back because there was no pension for wives back then and she was leaving us in a room at a pub while she washed dishes at night. He crawled back with the same old "I am sorry it won't happen again". he did this for 16 years every time he split her lip. When we were "old enough" to fend for ourselves she made her escape. The house was paid off and it is actually very nice these days. I used to see it because when my grandparents were alive they lived in the same street. I think my grandparents paid for the land so mum could build the house. I just do not understand how he expected my brother and I to maintain a relationship with him after he drove us away.It just breaks my heart that the lawyers who wrote the will for him think my brother and I are horrible people for not seeing him again

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

scat — Fri, 12 Feb 2021 04:34:39 GMT

Sophie I know I need help but I have built a wall to keep everything in. I have had counselling when they divorced all those years ago and I was still at school. I am actually afraid of what will spill out if someone really cracks the wall . I keep myself focused on animal rescue because I have fur babies who rely on me and they make me get up everyday

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

Imarni — Mon, 22 Feb 2021 11:53:13 GMT

I’m sorry but the information you have received is incorrect. Please see a lawyer immediately. You have a set time to contest. I’m not good at explaining things and not in a very good place myself except to say my own father died in 2019. He had 2 families we were the original and did not know about the 2nd woman - she was around when my poor mum was alive and swooped when she died. I had a very good case to contest and I was left a far greater sum than you. I haven’t thus far because I would be contesting my own kids. It’s very hard. My sister and our gold digger will end up millionaires and we will get a pittance. So fairly bitter but moreso that he thought I was unworthy than at the money. But absolutely 100% you can contest.

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

scat — Sun, 04 Apr 2021 08:56:17 GMT

thank you. I will look into it but I have no money to pay a lawyer.

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

smallwolf — Sun, 04 Apr 2021 11:00:17 GMT

hi. I saw your story and ... felt I might have something to add and prolly should start with a little background. I work as a parish admin and chat with families about funerals. And then there are some where you hear more than you should. Outside of this, I have also seen children fight over what's left. Plus the occasional story (books) that overlap with your story.

And it is sad and frustrating when someone close to you dies and their actions them seem worse.

so what I can tell you is that your reactions are the not out of the norm.

And there may also be the paradox in how you think you should feel vs how you feel. It could be the case you have no feelings now and they come at a later point in time. All are valid.

In your reply to Sophie_M you mentioned having done counselling before. Not sure how that went. There is nothing wrong with talking to a professional. It can be scary to talk about what happened, and it can be healing.

I guess one of the questions is ... putting aside the situation with the will how do you feel about his passing? Did the will make your feelings stronger?

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

Croix — Sun, 04 Apr 2021 11:06:07 GMT

Dear Scat~

First of all it does not matter about lawyer's impressions of you and your brother. They simply obey instructions and that is that. Their views - if they have any - do not count.

I'm afraid you have had a very hard time in your life and as you expect, I'm sure it has left you deeply affected. I can understand your reluctance to delve too deep as I've experienced a similar reluctance concerning traumatic events in my past work. I simply did not know what my reactions would be and was strongly tempted to 'leave well enough alone'. In the long run this did not work too well.

I have now reached a pretty good balance thanks to medical professionals, therapy, medication and support from my family. I can't talk for others but for myself getting that help became a good move (my family agrees).

Contesting a will is not a straightforward process, and even if you could find a lawyer or firm that would take the matter on a contingency basis there are still very real financial pitfalls.

More importantly it can be a very traumatic experience, reliving the happenings of the past over and again more than just once to satisfy all requirements. You are in the hands of legal rather than medical professionals and they will not be able to properly assess the effect it is having on you.

If you are reluctant to seek Mental Health help - who may well help a lot - please be even more reluctant to open up the matter to the courts - who may end up costing you to no good end.

Sophie_M has given some good advice in places to follow up.

I had the chance to take my employer to court and fueled by anger considered it, but am now, years later, very glad I did not. It takes time and help to heal, and court would have set the process back.

Animal rescue is harder than many think at times, but it can be very therapeutic and rewarding too. The love of fur babies is wonderful. I had a good freind who took abandoned dogs and trained them to be trackers for police and emergency services. It became a very large part of her life and she never regretted it.

I hope you keep on talking here and say how you are going

Croix

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

Oracle123 — Sun, 04 Apr 2021 11:20:58 GMT

Hi scat

Despite all the suffering you have experienced you have found yourself in a position where your focus is on those who are helpless. This selfless service is where you will find happiness. As hard as it is to believe the if only I hard more money my life would be better. The rich and famous with unlimited money and happiness still are suffering.
As hard as this trauma has been it has opened you up to others and made you who you are.

don’t be afraid to cry there is nothing to hold onto

My father died and I am not sure how to feel about it

scat — Thu, 27 May 2021 14:42:26 GMT

small wolf his passing meant nothing to me. I had a step-father who I considered my real father for the last 40 years. Unfortunately he died on 17 April from cancer and his passing is deeply mourned by the whole family. I never told my children he wasn't my biological father and they knew no other grandfather. All I ever wanted from my biological father was acknowledgement and an apology for the 16 years of abuse he put me through but he did not see that what he did to us was wrong