topic Tired in PTSD and trauma

Tired

Delectable — Fri, 09 Oct 2020 19:04:08 GMT

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

Tired

Sophie_M — Fri, 09 Oct 2020 19:46:16 GMT

Hey Delectable,

Welcome to the forums, we are so grateful that you decided to join us. We are so sorry to hear that you're feeling so alone and tired of feeling like you are all by yourself. We hear that you are feeling overwhelmed and stuck and we acknowledge that this can be a lot to deal with. Please know that these forums are a safe, supportive space, free of judgement to talk about these thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to help support you through this.

Our Support Service are also currently getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you.

If you feel that you may be in immediate risk of harm, it's really important that you do contact 000 (triple zero). It's great that you are speaking to a psychologist currently. We would also recommend speaking with your GP and psychologist to have a discussion about how you are feeling and looking into frequency of the sessions and other possible options.

In distressing moments like these, please know support is always help available to you, whether it be from the friendly counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). These services are available to you 24/7 and you can access them as often as you need when things are feeling like too much to cope with.

You may also find Beyond Blue’s Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service helpful: https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/ Here you can find resources such as web chat and dedicated forums for support during this challenging time.

We hope that you can find some comfort in the words of kindness and support from our community. If you would like to post further, please feel free to tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

Kind regards,
Mod Support

Tired

therising — Fri, 09 Oct 2020 21:54:47 GMT

Hi Delectable

I wish I was there sitting right beside you as you face the overwhelming challenges that can come with the depths of depression. It can be such a dark, torturous and lonely place, that's for sure. I remember it well.

That feeling of never being good enough is a horrible feeling, which leads to so much self questioning, with the ultimate question being 'What's wrong with me?' It wasn't until I found myself outside of my depression that the questions started to take a turn:

Why are so many people so incapable of actively loving me to and through life?
Why are so many people lacking the inspiration and consciousness it takes to help me evolve through hardship and challenge?
Why are so many people unaware of how degrading and insensitive they are and how do they justify excusing such degradation and insensitivity? What is wrong with them?!
Why are so many people in my life so incapable of managing themselves in ways that serve the greater good?

Sometimes, what's 'wrong' with a sensitive person is their inability to fully sense the faults in others. Once you become sensitive to reading people, perception changes. 'I am easily lovable, yet surrounded by people who do not know how to actively love' is a revelation. By the way, I can't tolerate being basically loved. In my opinion, basic love is often lazy. Actively and deeply loving someone to life, is something which is felt on a soulful level.

You've tolerated much in life that I would find intolerable. Such neglect, such thoughtlessness, such hopelessness (from those who should have given you greater hope), such carelessness (from those who should have given you greater care) and so on. You are an amazing person who has risen to so many challenges that none would have chosen for themselves. You have raised yourself through challenges which would undeniably be exhausting. Challenges can be far less exhausting when we've got a 'co-manager' helping us.

The thought 'I don't know how to raise myself anymore and I just don't have the energy' is a thought which can be painful and challenging in itself. I will suggest you do know. You came here. This leads me to wonder what brought you here. Was it inspiration that suddenly came to mind or inspiration through another? I have found that one of the greatest challenges of all, in life, is - opening our mind to positive inspiration and following it, especially when everything feels so dark.

I'm glad inspiration led you here. I hope it leads you back 🙂

Tired

Delectable — Sat, 10 Oct 2020 03:18:52 GMT

Thanks but I’m sure there are more people who need the service instead of me, and I’m not going to risk getting locked up because of how I feel.

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Delectable — Sat, 10 Oct 2020 03:24:47 GMT

I’m here because my psychologist suggested it, though no one can help me apart from the people in Melbourne and Sydney during the right thing regarding coronavirus because some people actually need to leave the state for their own mental health but can’t because of them.

I sure as hell won’t be going through this shit next year if it runs as long as the Spanish flu did, I have chronic PTSD, and this pandemic has driven people further apart.

People wouldn’t care if you were dead, they wouldn’t even realise as they are too absorbed in their selfish needs to care about others.

I hope some people learn something in this pandemic about caring for others, other then themselves. There are lots of people in my situation, and I bet they are tired of it all as well.

Tired

therising — Sat, 10 Oct 2020 10:18:15 GMT

Hi Delectable

It's definitely a time for discovering what we seriously can't tolerate.

I believe if we went into some 3rd lock down in Melbourne, the people would revolt and I can't say I blame them. I work in aged care and witness the impact all this has on older Melbournians. When you're in your 80s or 90s seriously wondering how many years, months or even days you have left on this earth, the last thing you want to be doing is 'passing the time' without family. Every second is precious. I understand the need for some of the strategies put in place but I do question many things the government has or has not employed during this COVID business.

I can remember during the 1st lock down thinking 'Where the heck is all the mental health support the government should be providing? This is going to get seriously challenging for some people'. There was so much focus on physical well being in the beginning, to the degree where the imbalance was truly questionable. I think it's a time where we're discovering what our mental health really requires. Does it require us to visit a friend outside a 5km radius, if it means life or death for us, if we're seriously depressed? Does it require us to vent more? Does it require us to make a conscious decision when it comes to whether we simply won't tolerate a 3rd lock down (heaven forbid)?

I'm glad your psyche suggested you come here. Here is where you'll find a lot of thoughtful people who really do genuinely care about each other. You'll also find people who will be able to uniquely relate to Post Traumatic Stress. Even though I don't face PTS, I can remember what it was like to find people who could relate to depression, while this was a factor in my life. I believe it was the first time I ever felt 'normal'. I loved feeling 'normal' in group therapy. In fact, it was a group of incredibly powerful people. We all related to how 'dysfunctional' people thought we were. Looking back, as mentioned earlier, I realise a lot of the dysfunction was around me.

I agree with what you say about a lot of people appearing selfish, insensitive and careless when it comes to others. It can be pretty mind altering and seriously questionable, when you realise how common it can be. Finding the selfless, sensitive and careful ones is a gift.

Again, glad you came here. Vent 'til your hearts content. That may take a heck of a lot of venting. I've found giving yourself the gift of venting like a maniac at times is naturally therapeutic.

🙂

Tired

Guest_1643 — Sat, 10 Oct 2020 11:05:48 GMT

hi D,

I'm so sorry you experienced abuse and neglect,and can imagine and have experienced myself many times very insensitive and even abusive friends who do not offer support...

ptsd symptoms can be rough - i have them too.
i understand you don't feel comfortable to call any helplines and thats okay too. I hope you feel okay writing here and find some like minded people. You may also find comfort reading others stories - there are many here who have PTSD too and will not judge . No judgements as we have felt the same, most likely.

Tired

Delectable — Sat, 10 Oct 2020 19:28:00 GMT

Coronavirus people who break the rules should get instant jail, not fines. We had hardly any cases in the country until the Melbourne worker went to Kilmore and spread it there. Stay home people, font stuff it up for innocent people. Mitchell NV shire and Geelong need to be classified under Melbourne and the system needs to be on a postcode system not state. My friends live on the Sunshine Coast, I do not have any family since I was 13 years old, I’m now 48 and need to see a lady who I talk to on a weekly basis on the phone who I haven’t see. for 10 years. Seriously do you know how hard it is, doing life alone for 15 years, and supporting myself since I was 13. I don’t care about money but I need it to pay rent, nothing has been given to me. Everything I’ve worked for, and I’ve done some hard work, and still doing it, though very little these days as I live on the Victoria/ NSW Border and for 6 weeks we could not cross because of the Melbourne/ Mitchell fiasco. So many lost their contracts, not everyone works for an employer. I’m self employed so no one is paying me to sit at home, I’m a landscaper so kiss all my work in the border goodbye like others and just do state only which is ridiculous in a town of 2000 when your weren’t allowed anywhere because you weren’t in the bubble at the time. Those people regardless of where they live should all be put in a cell at a jail and all buried in the same hole. My life was difficult before, but it’s unbearable now. Waiting to see if I can go to Queensland depends on Melbourne really, a place 300 away. I know one thing, I’m not going through this shit same time next year.

Tired

Hanna3 — Sat, 10 Oct 2020 22:46:33 GMT

Hi Delectable, i'm sorry you have been alone and struggling for so long, loneliness is a huge problem in our society and the pandemic isn't helping people who are living alone, it's very very tough. You sound as if you have had a tough life and you have been courageous in what you have managed by yourself. I wonder do you give yourself enough credit for how well you have overcome all the things you have had to deal with.

I can understand in the regions the restrictions on what you can do are hard to take especially as you want to visit a friend, single people alone need that company so badly.

I guess all I can do here is say there are people here who will offer support and if you stay around and maybe start a thread of your own on a situation you want to talk about, you will make friends on BB that you can talk to, even though it's only type it does help.... also the BB cafe is a good place to get to know people here..

Do you have a GP or any kind of support person to talk to, or is there any kind of community organisation there that can give you support? I'm just thinking off the top of my head so to speak... I know it's hard.

I truly hope coming here will give you some much needed help and support and online friends! Don't give up yet, you are a worthy human being. Do you have a pet of any kind that gives you company? I hope others here might come up with some ideas for you...

Tired

Delectable — Sun, 11 Oct 2020 05:54:55 GMT

Thanks Hannah,

I have a Gp but find myself repeating myself over and over, I see a psychologist once every 6 weeks, hard to get in when you live in Victoria these days.

No pets, have been told I’m too poor to have a pound dog so they eliminates a puppy from a breeder as well, it’s just me, myself and I.

I am a hands on person and need friends in real life, I find the online thing difficult, typing words to people I’m never going to meet... at least you can be honest because I’ve learnt real life people don’t like the truth,

People constantly tell me how resilient I am, but that’s not enough. People reach breaking points or get tired of whatever they have put up with, you can only take so much. 13 hours is very hard to fill in, when you have no work. There’s only so much exercise and cooking one can do per day, then you’re left alone with your thoughts well into the night.

Going to bed early every night so I can switch them off, apart from the nightmares.

Thank you for caring.

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Hanna3 — Sun, 11 Oct 2020 07:00:58 GMT

Hi Delectable,

I am alone too and moved to a new town just before the fires and covid, so I do understand about filling in the time and being alone, yes it's been a long difficult time - I am retired and just moved a year ago, not the best timing as it happens!

I have people here that I have been "chatting"with for a year now and it's been a real help, so don't give it up yet, it takes a while to learn your way around and get to "know"people. The BB Cafe is a good place to start and any of the easy, fun games here - that way people start becoming familiar to you.

I am in regional NSW and yes it's been hard to get to know people - I go to the library a lot and that way I can chat to the library staff who are almost all lovely - and i read a lot - and it is a help to have a pet as I meet people out walking my dog - and now I meet up with another lady most afternoons for a dog walk - but that has taken a long time. It's a shame you can't have a pet. Even a budgie is a big help, or what about a cat?

I don't know your interests to know what to suggest, just to try looking around BB here... it takes a while to learn to navigate the site and then you'll settle in better here..

I am often on here only once a day or evening... I have just been in visting my neighbour, do you have any pleasant neighbours? I've also thought about volunteering to visit an elderly person in their home as a way to help someone else alone and it would be a help to me too. I'm just putting out some ideas... as I said I don't know your interests or your full situation. I hope to stay around BB and get to know some folks here... it has helped me a lot. Sending warmest wishes!

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Delectable — Sun, 11 Oct 2020 08:43:33 GMT

Thank you Hannah, I had a wonderful neighbour but she has moved. We have been in a lockdown since the start of July which has been very hard and now we are only allowed in our own bubble. Melbourne haven’t had the strict rules from July like we have, they were allowed to roam endlessly around the state and do as they please.

I like travel, I was supposed to go to Estonia, Vienna, Budapest, Venice and France in May and of course I wasn’t allowed out of the country. I used to go to Melbourne for a day trip or to cultural festivals which I haven’t been there since March. I cook twice a week and give the food away, sometimes three times depending on the cost of the ingredients. I visit two elderly people and help on their garden, and spend time with them..outside. I go to the library and get dvds, I have reading to do for my psychologist but find the books hard to get into, they are American and really difficult to get into. I’m in the start of CBT, it’s hard when you only see someone every 6 weeks.

I do exercise most days, a dance class once a week, a walk of 11kms, or exercise bike of 16kms..I did start running but my knee didn’t like that so I gave that away.
I feel a lot of anger as I’m upset my friends I thought I had have cut me off altogether, I have always made the effort and when I don’t neither do they. I’ve tried to help them and given them beautiful gifts to make them feel better. I really don’t understand their cut off... it does hurt and I’m less likely to meet people because of that now, it makes you question what sort of person you are.

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Hanna3 — Sun, 11 Oct 2020 22:31:08 GMT

Hi Delectable,

It sounds like you are quite busy and active where you are so that's great. Everyone has had their plans wrecked by this virus I do understand, it's difficult for everyone.

I'm sorry I don't know what the CBT is that you mention...

You mention your friends have cut you off, is this at once or just gradually or during the pandemic? I have found the pandemic has given me lots of time to think, as I had a dear friend break off a year ago, and I think there were faults on both sides, hers and mine. If I had the time over again I would react differently to what she did to annoy me. At this time in life I regret being too tough on friends, friendships are too valuable to lose... I think give them a bit of slack and give them a ring and suggest a catch up. This pandemic is difficult for everyone, maybe they are preoccupied or not thinking well...

Those of us who have to live without family have it very tough already, a couple of good, reliable friends is terribly important. I would give them another go if that is at all possible...

I hope you stay around BB and get to know some people, there are some nice supportive people here..

I don't know if this helps, but my thoughts are to give your friends another go, and great that you are visiting some elderly folk and helping them and doing dance and exercise, well done you! This virus will end eventually but yes we are in for a wait I'm afraid - it's messed up things for everyone! We'll get there slowly... warmest wishes!

Tired

Delectable — Mon, 12 Oct 2020 09:47:13 GMT

Maybe Hannah, but if you let people continually treat you bad then you’re giving them the message that’s ok which for me it isn’t. I don’t have mangy friends close by, but the ones I do asked ,e out last week to which I said yes and then they failed to tell me where to meet them, I don’t have the tolerance for that. I said don’t invite me out if you haven’t intent of doing so, they correspond on Instagram. I’d rather people correspond via phone, most people have free text these days, how hard is it to speak to someone on the phone instead of social media. The other life friend just hasn’t rang, they never ring. I’m the one that does it all, and their actions show me they aren’t interested when I don’t do it. I’m tired of a lot of things and friendship is a two way street, not a one way lane, for me anyway. My friends don’t work so it’s not like they don’t have the time, if you mean something to someone people make an effort and if you don’t then you get a situation like I have.

I’d go insane if I didn’t do all that exercise, it’s a way to release stress. Some days there’s too much time on ones hands, as you know. Trying to keep busy to turn my thoughts off, I brought some jigsaws on Europe, St Petersburg, Prague, Menton, Paris, Budapest. I cannot see myself ever going back overseas, I went on a shoestring. When the airlines go, it will be expensive and out of my price range, I have only just gotten my cheap fare back from Etihad, from a flight that never took place 5 months ago.

The puzzles past the time but can also make me crave going there, as my heritage is European. I never knew anything about my mother’s side of the family, and I’ll always feel France is my home, there is a connection so strong there.

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Delectable — Mon, 12 Oct 2020 09:48:10 GMT

CBT - Cognitive brain therapy.

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Bananie1234 — Wed, 14 Oct 2020 03:48:19 GMT

Hi Detectable,
i'm really sorry for what you're going through especially with friendships. I moved to QLD from nz almost straight outta high school for uni and i always wondered if my friends here are true friends. I'm also finding myself losing tolerance towards them due to the same reason. They say they're here for you but when you need them they take a millions years ( sometimes not at all) to reply. They say let's hang out soon and you never hear from them. You ask them to hang out and they say sure, that they'll get back to you and you never hear from them. It happens so much to a point where it feels like i'm begging them to hang out with me. Thank goodness I've trained myself to be content on my own, however, sometimes i do feel lonely or isolated and have this fear of rejection that makes it difficult for me to reach out. I've acknowledged I can't depend on others for my happiness. i think this is the norm with how people socialise and treat each other now.

I've had plenty of failed relationships in the past and most of them are LDR even though i'm pretty stable with my current one but as it's also LDR, i still need to rely a lot on my family and friends especially during COVID border closures. Not getting the support that i need has been really hard on me lately.

It's great you're doing things and staying active to keep yourself busy, it definitely helps. I find that joining some sort of club has made me so much better too. is this something you might be able to consider? even with current restrictions, a lot of them have moved online instead of cancel.

please stick around.

* hugs *

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Delectable — Fri, 16 Oct 2020 09:20:12 GMT

Thank you, it’s nice to know others understand. I’m not bothering with so called friends anymore, tired of making all the effort really.
I hope strict laws come into place regarding coronavirus spreaders such as jail terms instead of fines, really over the Melbourne people breaking the rules in regional Victoria and doing as they please yet once again. I hope someone imposes jail terms of minimum 5 years and then it might finally stop and like can return to somewhat normal.

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Delectable — Fri, 16 Oct 2020 09:26:30 GMT

Could you explain what LDR is please?

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Guest_1643 — Fri, 16 Oct 2020 18:31:01 GMT

Long Distance Relationship

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Delectable — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 08:06:02 GMT

Thank you, prefer the old fashioned way of spelling words. You’re brave to try a long distance relationship or any relationship these days, it’s so hard to find non cheating partners...I know I’ll be by myself till the time comes for me to end the misery... when you’ve been cheated on or abused it’s very hard to go back for more.
I just have to hope I’m allowed to go to travel fir Christmas as I need more then ever some human contact with people who I don’t feel pressured to be good enough for.