topic Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it? in PTSD and trauma

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

TheBigBlue — Tue, 29 Sep 2020 06:29:58 GMT

I’ve been seeing my psychologist for almost a year now.

But we have only had one session (yesterday) where we started to look into my trauma. Prior to this both my psychologist & psychiatrist wanting me to be admitted for specialised care. I was considered high risk. I didn’t want to, so I never did.

Anyway, we barely touched touched the surface yesterday. In fact, it wasn’t even discussion of the trauma that triggered me. I was really anxious & I shaking so she asked me to breathe (as in my deep breathing exercises). But I couldn’t doing it if she could see or hear me. I don’t understand why, I don’t understand why I felt distressed, I don’t know why it was so hard. In the end she had to turn away from me & put her headphones in & play music before I could do it.

i feel like such a failure because I can’t even live a normal life, or be “normal”. Can’t imagine anyone else being as stupid as me & not being able to to do some deep breathing in a room with someone else. It’s weird because when we talk I don’t have any issues looking at her or making eye contact, but something about the breathing triggers me.

so we spoke about other things for a while & then she said she wants me to do just one thing. She wanted me to inhale loudly through my nose & then exhale loudly through my mouth.

And this distressed me so much I started crying. She explained that we need to dig a bit deeper to find out the reasons behind it, but when she asked how I was feeling I didn’t know. I can’t explain why it’s happening. I just wanted to cry.

i feel so stupid. I don’t know if there is anything behind this but I feel so distressed. I feel like my depression is so ready so come back. I was doing so well, had a routine, was going for morning walks, cooking dinners, doing dishes every night & was starting to sleep better.

i got up this morning to find last nights dishes still in the sink. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I didn’t sleep well so had no energy to go for a walk. I’ve just sat on the lounge ALL day.
I understand it can be difficult to work through the trauma but how do others manage to do it? I feel like a failure at life. And we still haven’t discussed the person, the abuse etc.

i don’t know how I will get through this.......

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

Rubybleu — Tue, 29 Sep 2020 11:04:16 GMT

Oh hunny, first of all - you are not stupid or silly! You are strong and so brave for attempting to heal.
I relate so much to your post. I often hate that I can’t just be normal, that I often fall in to depression where I can’t do anything and feel like a failure.
It’s great that you are going through this with a psychologist. I have only just recently started seeing one for my childhood trauma. It’s so easy for me to mask and talk but when I have to talk about the trauma I freeze up and can’t say what I’m thinking. Maybe this is similar to you having trouble with the breathing.
I hope others can also give you answers and advice as I’m just a newbie to all of this.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

b_abbey — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 05:40:08 GMT

Sometimes when it gets to the "moment" of recall and telling we are flooded by memories of the event/s and it can be really hard! There are memories in the body too, not just the mind - and that is why we have such a physical reaction (true story - check out Bessel van der kolk - the body keeps the score - he's a trauma specialist). Sometimes we don't know the entire story in our heads. Therapists are quite used to dealing with this - it can be like peeling the layers of an onion and the more you reveal the more you can peel, and it takes a lot of time to get to this point. You are absolutely not "stupid" - you are peeling, and those onions can sting. It will get easier, but that outer layer is rigid and tough - and it takes time, not intelligence - even an utterance can help you on your journey. Keep going to therapy - & allow yourself a 'delay' when you need it - and go forth with one word at a time 🙂

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

Ggrand — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 13:10:25 GMT

Hello TheBigBlue,

I am going through trauma counselling, with Victims Services...The same happens to me, my counsellor could be talking about things unrelated to my trauma when I totally loose myself in tears or have a panic attack...

For me when I’m having a panic attack and need to just breath deeply and slowly I need to be on my own, to focus myself into deep breathing..I had one a few months ago when my supporter was taking me to a medical appointment..I was in the back seat of her car, I think she spotted what was happening through her rear vision mirror..Then she started telling me to breath..Which made my anxiety worse....Your not alone BigBlue...It takes all our concentration to calm ourselves down to breath without others watching us....

I know when something triggers me..I go into tears before I realise it....and to explain how I am feeling is impossible for me..because I don’t know myself....it’s too hard to put into words what’s going on inside of us..

Thats okay BigBlue..about not washing the dishes last night, or not sticking to your routine..Please don’t be hard on yourself...Tomorrow is another day..one that you can start your routine again if your up to it...If not tomorrow then the day after....It’s okay dear BigBlue to not be okay always...Just tiny baby steps each day is all we need to do...

I don’t know what normal is, or if their is a normal...You’re not failing at life...your getting through each day the best you can...

I think your counsellor will wait until they think your strong enough, ready enough to start talking about the trauma you went through...I know mine did..and some visits we have to stay away from it..because some appointment I’m not strong enough to talk about it..

Talk here anytime you feel up to it..

Sending my care and kind thoughts to you TheBigBlue..

Grandy.l

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

ecomama — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 14:43:59 GMT

Dear TheBigBlue

You're doing SO WELL. You really & honestly ARE!

Take this & ALL the other understanding replies so far & know without a shadow of a doubt that you are not alone in every part of what you're saying and feeling.

Don't you just hate it when you get distressed BECAUSE you're distressed?

Already it's a BIG thing you're doing.

Deciding to enter a journey of discovery about yourself.
Deciding to get help dealing with the trauma of your past.

It's a BRAVE thing to do.

But to be brave we must acknowledge our vulnerability.

We were vulnerable when we were abused, terribly vulnerable.

What I want you to know is that the feeling of being vulnerable may be there in therapy but YOU ARE SAFE.
It's not the same vulnerability of when we were abused.... but these feelings may be linked.

You're an ADULT now.
You're SAFE.
You're taking responsibility for your healing.

I'm gonna be brave myself now... you with me?? throw the breathing thing OUT THE WINDOW.

What I'd like you to suggest to your psych is that you do GROUNDING exercises to help calm you. Breathing is NOT a hapnin' thing. Not now, release that pressure on yourself. It's increasing your anxiety not dissipating it - no reason continuing.

My favourite grounding exercise from the Red Heart Foundation are...

5 Things.
5 things you can SEE TOUCH HEAR SMELL TASTE

Let's do it now so you can practice any time you choose.
SEE - I can see my messy balcony lol! tissue box, chair, spoons, laptop.
TOUCH - I can touch my smooth dressing gown, fluffy warm slippers, foam, seat, cane chair.
HEAR - I can hear the traffic going past, rustling leaves, washer, drier, dishwasher.
SMELL - I can smell cold wind & I just lit an incense stick.
TASTE - eucalyptus lollies. Not 5 lol.

These exercises bring you back to your now. The present.

You can take things in to your session to help you with the 5 things...
A squeezy ball, mints, perfume, a little stuffed toy you like the texture of - I like velvet. I also like the cute little wooden toy humans you can change their limbs about - I laugh at the impossible positions I put them in.
You can buy these at a $1 shop. I have these in specific places... my car, my handbag, at work, next to me now.

Whatever it takes to ground you, bring you back to your present where you are SAFE.

You're doing so great!

We're with you all the way.

Love EM

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

Anzee — Sat, 03 Oct 2020 21:46:26 GMT

TheBigBlue, you are DEFINITELY not alone! I am in a similar situation, I have been seeing a psych since may for a different reason but I ended up telling her about my childhood abuse a couple of months ago and I still haven’t been able to go through with the appropriate trauma treatment and our sessions are over the phone as we are in vic and I still have to email her if it’s something big or triggering because I cannot talk! I stutter, I cry, I lose my train of thought, I have panic attacks and then I just get angry at myself for not being able to function as a normal person. I am on the waiting list for the specialised trauma centre but every day I convince myself I can’t go through with it because I am so scared and I’ve learnt that talking or recalling the abuse comes with very dark and overwhelming emotions I feel like I have no control of and I cannot stand feeling that way so I just keep telling myself to forget about it and move on but then I have my psychologist tell me I can do it and am already doing it so I get some strength back but it doesn’t take long and I’m back to overwhelming fear and anxiety. I’ve started talking to 1800respect and they have been so good and have specialised trauma councillors 24/7 and that has definitely helped me when I’m feeling scared and unsafe.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

ecomama — Sun, 04 Oct 2020 01:57:25 GMT

Hi Anzee and TheBigBlue and others

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD formally this year by a Specialist Trauma Psychologist (STP) but was told this diagnosis over 5y ago. I had no idea what it really meant back then, nor did I have the capacity or money to get more help as I was in the middle of many Court cases.

I've had the same Counsellor from Uniting for about 7y now.
It was her head Psych who told me I had C-PTSD.

I thought I just had to live that way but a friend told me to get Specialist Trauma Psychology (STP) help or else things would get worse for me (and they were getting worse, I was dissociating to cope).

I'd seen LOTS of therapists over 40y but no one mentioned PTSD.
I've got a LIBRARY full of self help books lol and exhausted our local libraries too.

It's scary, I know.
I've been there and am on the other side of the STP help now.

I'm sharing this in the hope it helps.... there were 2 things that helped me progress through this STP:
1. Not having depression - this apparently saved 18 months of pre-trauma therapy
2. Being very good at Grounding Exercises (like the one I listed above. 1800RESPECT can teach you more. Google is your friend) - USE THESE to help you "settle" and bring you back to the present time.

Have strong faith that you CAN get through this.
I held onto my picture of Mental HEALTH and pretty much got there.
Be aware of "wobbly" times between.

Over time the memories will have less and less power over your mind and present time.
But going through this with a Psych is very important.

I would say I'm 80% cured of PTSD now but it was alot of determination that got me there.
The other 20% I've been taught how to do Exposure Therapy on my own.
I use other people to "co-regulate" me when facing pending traumatising things and this 20% lessens all the time...

Love EM

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

Anzee — Sun, 04 Oct 2020 05:50:33 GMT

That’s so amazing EM, and gives me hope, but at the moment I have a lot of other things contributing to stalling my progress unfortunately and without the support of my partner I feel like I need to be present and fully supportive for our two young daughters so they don’t get dragged down too and when I am in this state I feel like I’m not capable of doing that so that’s why I keep trying to push my trauma away and be strong enough to move on (I feel completely stuck in it at the moment) at least until they’re old enough to not need my constant attention.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

Anzee — Sun, 04 Oct 2020 09:47:44 GMT

TheBigBlue, I just felt like I should also mention when I first started talking about my trauma I felt like all I did was cry, all day every day for about two weeks. Then I got really moody and agitated and felt angry at everyone, especially the abuser! I tried really hard not to let my kids see me in that state, but there has definitely been a few times I’ve had to apologise for being grumpy. I don’t even cry every day now and my anger isn’t as regular haha.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

TheBigBlue — Sun, 04 Oct 2020 10:17:36 GMT

A big thank you to everyone who has posted here.

I started seeing my psychologist last year in regards to a chronic illness, but I felt comfortable with her so after a few sessions I told her about the abuse. Since bringing it up with her I have managed to tell my boyfriend & one sister, so that’s a start. The psychologist said she thought I had PTSD. But after my first appointment with the psychiatrist he told me I had all the symptoms of trauma & diagnosed me with complex PTSD.
I had trouble dealing with that initially, as I felt like it was another problem on top of my anxiety, depression & medical issues.

i haven’t had the courage to tell my parents, because in a twisted way one of them was aware what was happening at the time but did nothing. I can’t tell the other parent as their heart would be completely broken. So they know I see a psychologist & psychiatrist but they don’t know why. Oddly they have never asked why either........
And I’m afraid to ask the one parent why they didn’t help. It’s a burden everyday wondering why a parent didn’t help a child in need. It hurts me very much. The psychologist suggested I br8ng this person to a session (when I am ready), but Im terrified. Terrified they will deny it, or say they “don’t remember”, then terrified I will break the unity of the family. It’s so overwhelming.

BUT, after being distressed for 2 days after that appointment I am back on track. Back to my morning walks, cooking dinners, eating lunch in the sunshine & taking on a few more household duties.
And previously I could be depressed all week between appointments, so I am getting there, and I know there will be ups & downs but it’s still really difficult to come to terms with.

Next week is a video call so I’m not sure how in depth that session will be. I’m also concerned that the psychologist might pull back from the trauma counselling. Initially both her & my psychiatrist had suggested going to hospital for specialised treatment but I refused. But with improvements with my mental well being the psychologist thought she could start to work on the trauma again. But now I’m scared she will pull back. I want to work through it with her, but as I have felt suicidal after previous sessions she considers me high risk. But I do not want to be an in patient. I have to wear a medical device attached to my body 24/7 & I’m so scared they will not allow it & my medical care will be seriously affected.......

But today was actually a good day 👍

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

TheBigBlue — Tue, 06 Oct 2020 11:55:26 GMT

Spoke with my psychologist again today.

We were talking about my previous issues with the breathing. I explained it wasn’t just her. She had given me homework to teach my boyfriend the deep breathing exercises. I felt very uncomfortable with this. The only reason I ended up walking him through it was because one night we had a power outage so it was dark & he wouldn’t be able to see my face (there was a lit candle on the kitchen bench, we were in the lounge room). So being in the dark where I couldn’t be seen was the only time I felt brave enough to explain it to him. but I still couldn’t make an audible sound. And after doing it once I never did it again with him.

Today I told her about my walks & how I can’t let strangers hear me breathe if I walk past them. Even if I’m puffing gong up the steep hill (a perfectly natural thing to happen), I have to change my breathing or even hold my breath so I don’t make a sound as I pass.

The psychologist asked if I had ever been abused or sexually abused by anyone other than the person I had told her about. I said no. I’m sure it was only ever that one person. But it did make me feel uncomfortable (scared?) to realise that she was thinking there was a possibility it could have happened.

Anyway, still no answers.........

I do & she paused & asked me if I had ever been abused or assaulted.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

SunnyPalm — Tue, 06 Oct 2020 12:16:16 GMT

Hi TheBigBlue,

You are doing a fabulous job and I am so happy that you have found a psychologist that can help you with your trauma work!

I've got PTSD, Anxiety and have been going regularly to my psychologist and psychiatrist over the last few years. I remember at first I could barely talk let alone breathe or do any exercises they asked me to do.

I kept a little baby journal and gave myself a happy face, sad face or in between face and jotted down how I was going with what 'homework' from my treating professionals as well as my symptoms. It helped me to see how far I was going even though I felt like I hadn't even left the couch some days.

I like wiggling my toes, closing my eyes for breathing to help centring myself. Exposure therapy was tricky at start, but I have come so far!! You totally can too!!

Another thing that helped me was painting/drawing to get out some of my emotions or reoccurring images. I'd then show that to my psychologist as a talking point.

Be kind to yourself

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

Anzee — Tue, 06 Oct 2020 20:17:20 GMT

TheBigBlue,

I can’t breath out loud in front of people either and will hold my breath if I need to. I did some grounding exercises with my psych on Monday (over the phone) and every time she was quiet for 30 seconds I was subconsciously concentrating on not breathing out loud instead of the exercise.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

ecomama — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 12:19:18 GMT

Dear TheBigBlue and Anzee and everyone reading... yep even you lol

The breathing thing you mentioned... I had it too as a child ALOT and even as an adult at times...

I believe I know why this was and has become a problem for me - it's based around the times of deep trauma and abuse.

The events would come with a trigger warning if you wanted me to share first, but if either of you know why it's a problem for you and want to share then you guys can go first?

I don't want to hijack a thread with extraneous content if you don't think it would be helpful if I shared my personal experiences.

I really hope that by sharing our traumas, we can "hold hands" as we walk through things together.

Love EM

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

ecomama — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 12:35:16 GMT

Dear TheBigBlue

I think you're showing amazing progress being able to share with your closest ppl.

I read what you wrote about your parents. And psych's offer to come into a session.

When we are triggered by our MH professional and we truly believe they have our best interests at heart, we can still say no.

When and IF you ever feel you can share what happened with either or both parents will be completely up to YOU.
I'd really like you to tune into your instincts over this because what you've written shows deep compassion and regard for your parents.

In a perfect world (well we wouldn't have abuse but) we would always be able to count on our parents in any event.
We would be able to share ANYTHING with them without fear of reprisal, victim blaming, risk to our relationships with them etc. They would just express perfect validation, hold presence with your pain, assist in your healing whilst dealing with their own pain.

But it's nowhere near a perfect world and none of us in it are perfect either.

It's an immeasurable gamble whether to tell our parents.
It's a REAL Catch 22.

It's beautiful that your psych offered to be with you.

You can opt for continued support without this happening.
When you're ready, (only IF that when comes) no matter the consequences then you'll know without a shadow of a doubt that you need to do it NOW.

My loving advice until then is to guard your heart.

Your story is yours alone to share.

You are able to gain closure without it. Hard to believe. It can be done.

Regardless of telling parents, you are making real progress.

Love EM

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

ecomama — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 12:52:59 GMT

Dear Anzee

It's FANTASTIC that you're talking with 1800RESPECT Counsellors & Trauma psychs... aren't they incredible?

I think I've phone them literally 30 times in the past few years.
Lord knows how thick their file on me and my family is by now... but I ALWAYS feel better after the call.

Not healed.
Just better able to cope with the now.

I had lots of little children and a set of older ones in one period of my life.

A Minus supportive partner. Extremely abusive.

I wrote and wrote and wrote out my feelings and frustrations and couldn't even coin the term abuse. It was all just a muddled mess in my head - ex's gaslighting helped there.
I didn't know about helplines for what I was going through.

The writing helped. It allowed me time to cry. Get my thoughts out on paper. I decided to add a quote from a wise person here and there.

It helped "bandaid" things to get me through.

My depression was tangible. I described it as a 7 foot thick wet heavy blanket on me every single day.
I found gardening a way to lift the depression but it took many years to shift.
Also repeat playing of "Pride and Prejudice"!

If you can listen to Kristen Neff and / or Brene Brown in the bath then this may give you some tips and some comfort.

You can always post here too.

Your BB family is always here.

Love EM

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

Anzee — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 19:15:23 GMT

Hi EM,

I have no idea why I do the breathing thing but would love some insight.

I always feel so stupid for calling 1800respect etc but I do feel a lot better after, yesterday I had a really great councillor and she was really understanding of where I was bringing these feelings from but my 4yo found me after 15 minutes (I had headphones in) but she was climbing all over me and accidentally hung up on them.

I just feel like my trauma is too much to handle! Tuesday I emailed my psych told her I would go through with CASA then had terrible nightmares about it, woke up so anxious and on edge and what felt like every traumatic experience in my life came flooding back to me. It was a lot to try and process and it just makes me feel like these are the kinds of overwhelming emotions I get when I start digging into my past and I really don’t like it. I feel like they’re just better left locked away.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

ecomama — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 22:12:13 GMT

Dear Anzee

You can try, try again with 1800RESPECT. I know it's supremely difficult with little children.

I want you to know that people UNDERSTAND what you're going through.

Practicing Grounding Exercises is the best thing you can do to help you cope.

I really want you believe that the past can't hurt you any more.

You are in THIS present time. Bringing yourself back to the present time via grounding yourself will help enormously.

Clearly the memories of past traumas don't stay locked away. They can continue to come into our present in increasingly thicker ways. That's what happened to me again earlier this year.
It was shocking.

***Trigger Warning***
My 2 long traumatic experiences that severely negatively affected my breathing was once when I was a child. My brother had died when I was 3yo. His room was next door to mine. These rooms were a long way from our parent's room upstairs. They were downstairs in a very dark place even during the day. At night my mother refused to let me have a light on.

I had already had awful trauma moving from my home country in Asia where all those beautiful Asian faces smiled at me, they held me all the time... to here, a harsh place where it was cold, people were abrupt, they yelled, they left me alone for hours at a time, they forced me to eat food I couldn't stomach so I vomited alot. I hated being here beyond words.
After years of screaming for someone at night... when my brother died I stopped.

I tried to be silent. I remember trying not to make a sound. I was extremely fearful. I even remember trying to cry silently (I still do this & am working through this).

More recently I was in an extremely abusive marriage. We are SAFE now. Demon ex criticised EVERYTHING I did, literally everything. EG The expression on my face when anyone was here, he would rant about that for hours, days, weeks after they left. I learnt to have a non descript / blank expression on my face after years of this. At night he would come into my room and flash lights in my face. And listen to my breathing. I would wake up with a shock from the lights or from it's hairy ear near my face.
It slept in another room and snored like a freight train. I didn't snore but it said I was breathing too loudly. He wouldn't allow a lock on my door.
The truth was that it was poisoning me & hoped I'd died in my sleep.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

Anzee — Thu, 08 Oct 2020 03:04:19 GMT

Hi EM,

tuat sounds like a terrible atmosphere to be raised in and I’m sorry about your brother that would have been devastating.

Its amazing how our minds work and if we’ve already experienced trauma or abuse, our minds can convince us that that’s what we deserve and so often we don’t even recognise it as abuse. I had some memories resurface yesterday of situations that today I’d say would fall under the term abuse possibly even rape, but back when they happened there is no way I thought of them as that.

I don’t remember my childhood abuse so I don’t know if he ever told me to be quiet , my younger sister did tell me recently she remembered an incident and she said I pushed him off me and we both ran downstairs and outside screaming and she said he followed us telling us to come back but she didn’t say anything about being told to be quiet or to keep it secret or anything. I’m sure it’s connected but not sure if it was ever said.

Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

ecomama — Thu, 08 Oct 2020 12:40:16 GMT

Hi Anzee

I survived and tbh NO ONE realised all 8 named abuses were being perpetrated against me and worse... my children.

No one knows until they know.

I know what you're saying about experiences of SA.

But what you say about your childhood experiences is very telling to me.
You can't remember.
There are whole sections of events I have completely blanked out too (but there was a witness to one and she told me everything she saw).
I must ask my psych friend if this was dissociation?
I'm not sure.
I think so.

When my psych friend told me this year that she has seen me dissociate and this terrified her as it can get worse and worse... I asked her what I should do and she told me to get a tailored program from a Specialist Trauma Psychologist.
I did.
The first 5 sessions were especially beneficial to me. I ended it after 7 sessions because I knew I'd "used all this psych had to offer me" kinda thing. Well totally and worse, she had next to zero understanding of DV / FV causing Complex PTSD and even tried to shame me.
NO WAY.
I got out.

BUT this is where 1800RESPECT and the National SA Hotline comes in perfectly well for us.
THEY GET IT.
I've called them.
I've sat with other women who've had to call them.
EVERY time any of us spoke with them, there were alot of tears BUT there was so much validation and support offered.

The REASON why you will get through this is because you will begin to see then eventually KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that these past events can no longer harm you.
A good trauma psych will support you to feel safe.
An excellent trauma psych will put you on the path to healing.

The full on PTSD surround sound and visuals will no longer happen.
These memories become very distant and the previously felt emotional reaction dissipates away.

I asked to be able to "file" these memories and only call upon them when I wanted to but WITHOUT any strong emotions.
It really worked.

I had to work REALLY hard and be very devoted to this work but I was so desperate to be healed.
So it's working.

I WANTED to be mentally healthy. I held on to that vision.

I Pray this for you, TheBigBlue and anyone reading.

Love EM