topic Leaving after domestic and family violence in PTSD and trauma

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Anzee — Sat, 20 Feb 2021 23:31:16 GMT

Hi all,

3.5 weeks ago a domestic violence service convinced me to go into emergency accommodation for a couple of weeks to have a break from my abusive partner (also the father to our two daughters, 8 and 4) they said even if it’s just the wake up call he needed to engage in the help and support he needed to start making some changes. He started talking to a psychologist via Telehealth, and told me he is just waiting for confirmation for him to start a men’s behaviour change program. I did a risk assessment and from that protective services got involved and put restrictions in place about only having supervised visits with us. They also told me if I didn’t take an IVO out against him they would because he was calling, texting and trying to visit me constantly and leaning on me for support and I was feeling so guilty and falling for the responsibility of his emotional needs because I’ve always carried that responsibility and it’s really hard to let that go. The IVO isn’t due to go to court until Friday so he is still contacting me a lot for support and I just feel to guilty and responsible to cut him off so I try to be brief and blunt but will usually give him an answer but he is really trying to get me back and I am struggling not to give in (obviously that is not possible until the protective services have taken away restrictions). How do you stop going back into that trap of the familiar cycle of abuse? It just feels so much easier than doing it in my own. My family have been quite unsupportive and have taken his side for a lot of it because I haven’t given them details and insight to the abuse we have suffered from him. I have told two of my sisters some details but they just think it’s fine and normal behaviour in a relationship. My mum was the first female for generations in her family to not be an extremely, life threatening physically violent relationship and has told us stories of rescuing family members from guns been held to them etc so I think to them unless it’s extreme physical violence it’s not family violence. I thought I could do it on my own without their support but I’m really struggling now and don’t think I can and when he sends me these messages begging for me back I just want to reassure him once restrictions are lifted I’ll take him back but I really want to show my daughters what’s right too but I really don’t know how long I can keep doing it alone. Any advice? Anyone in a similar position?

Leaving after domestic and family violence

ecomama — Sat, 20 Feb 2021 23:52:31 GMT

Hi Anzee

I'm so PROUD of you leaving! Like REALLY PROUD!

You are one strong mama showing your beautiful girls HOW to stand up against violence in a relationship.

When you feel you CAN'T do it for yourself, please THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!
They need one strong and loving parent!

It appears DV & FV has been "normalised" in your family (as was in mine!).
It may common but it sure ISN'T NORMAL.

I had the most amazing support from the Counsellors and Trauma Psychs on the helpline 1800RESPECT.
They will HOLD YOU all the way through. And well beyond.

If you leave your name, they write notes to keep up with the changes, and can better support you.
I've found this mode of support one of the "safest" in terms of Family Law.

IF you get to the point of Family Law, you will absolutely NEED to be 100% obviously KNOWING what's in 'the best interests of the children'.
I'm sorry to say that if you DON'T by giving in to ex partner's demands and going back etc, then you show you're not.
You risk losing your children to Child Protection. They can literally just take them off you.

Then if your H does do that Course then he may be "deemed" a safer parent for the children, it's pretty screwed up.

Once Authorities get involved you're on a rapid river, being taken along fast.
You just need to do everything Police and your Legal Aid Family Lawyer tells you to do.

Please ask the Refuge what Course for Women Victims of DV you can do. Completing anything like this shows the Courts you've been educated now about DV and gives them more confidence you won't end up in a DV relationship again.

Please reach out to 1800RESPECT helpline.
They are there for YOU 24/7.

Yes you most absolutely CAN do this "on your own", you've been doing it on your own for years but with added burden of an abusive partner AND all his issues.

If you have FB then please contact "The Red Heart Foundation" and talk with them.
The support I received from them in ALL ways was amazing.
It's a bunch of women who've left DV and support other victims.

Sending Prayers.
Love EM

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Happilyneverafter — Sun, 21 Feb 2021 00:53:48 GMT

You don’t go back, by remembering this: he will never change. NEVER.
you have two children who you owe it to to keep them safe and happy.
I wasted 19 years on a man who did all the right things, said all the right things, and in the end he just got worse and destroyed not only me but my children, it’s not worth it. He did many courses, and all they did was teach him how to deflect blame for his actions. There are so many organisations to help you through, please don’t ever go back, it’s pretty hard now but I promise you, in 12 months you will be so much happier and so will you girls.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Anzee — Sat, 13 Mar 2021 01:46:47 GMT

6 weeks later, still no progress with child protections investigation, gone from having a case manager to not for 3 weeks so no contact whatsoever then as of yesterday have a case worker again, orange door closed my file two weeks ago but centre for non violence put me on a waiting list for the reason and the IVO I was supposed to get was adjourned so I still get loving and promising texts from him. I’m super lonely and still love him and miss him. Someone please tell me this gets easier? Was anyone else forced to leave even when you still loved them?

Leaving after domestic and family violence

ecomama — Sat, 13 Mar 2021 09:30:59 GMT

Hi Anzee

I'm glad you came back for support. This is a trying time for you. Delays are par for the course I'm sorry to say.

Yes things get easier.

It's really important to get support for you as you're doing the right thing for yourself, your girls and even for your ex partner.

Please phone Women's Legal Service and get their advice. It's a free call to them.
They may inform you that if you DO go back, then you are risking losing your children.
If the 'protective parent' meaning YOU, is deemed not to be protecting the children, then things can go haywire really fast.
Please ask WLS these questions.

Please also contact the Police station involved and ask to be referred to their Social Worker.
She may help guide you also.
Please ask if you can block your ex from your phone, or whether you need to keep him un-blocked to collect more evidence?

If you can block. Block.

1800RESPECT is there for you.
Their Counsellors and Psychs are AMAZING.
Please call them ANY TIME.
If you leave your name with them (as I have) then they can keep up with developments to better support you each time you call.

As the other BB member said, whatever ex partner say, promises, "love bombs" with, past behaviours are the best predictor for future ones, so we can't expect that ex will ever change.

Please reach out and establish a network of support in your real life too.

You always have the forums, regardless.

Love EM

Leaving after domestic and family violence

geoff — Sat, 13 Mar 2021 15:29:13 GMT

Hello Anzee, EM has given you some great advice, especially the reply above me.

An IVO should never be adjourned and whatever he sends you by text is all rubbish, just temporary lies so he can get back with you, but then the same will happen once again and what he says is to try and make you believe the good things they say so that you can excuse all the bad, that's the problem believing he is able to change and all will be better is a common mistake when hoping this will happen, it won't.

When someone returns to a r/lationship/marriage after any type of abuse, all is well for a short time, but then what happens is that they blame their actions on you, meaning that you need to change, not them, definitely an awful situation for you.

Can I say that it's not really you miss him but being loved by someone, sorry?

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Anzee — Sun, 14 Mar 2021 09:17:04 GMT

I finally decided to do it. I decided to tell my story. I decided to give my psych permission to tell CP anything she thought was relevant to our investigation. But first I needed more support. I only have one friend so far who has stuck by me and supported me 100% so I text another friend today to ask if she would support my decision to disclose more of his abuse and if she would send me reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. She said she couldn’t tell me what was right it wrong, that was my decision but she said she couldn’t support something that could mean he isn’t allowed to see the kids. It was so unexpected, it absolutely broke me! I was so distraught and in crisis mode, bawled my eyes out and went straight back to second guessing everything. I crawled back in my shell and admitted defeat. I now don’t want to take this any further and I want to take everything back. I am honestly just feeling so broken right now. This is one of the main reasons I didn’t want to tell anyone, I was scared I was exaggerating, I was scared people wouldn’t believe me and I was scared I’d end up alone and scared full of regret which is exactly what’s happened.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Sophie_M — Sun, 14 Mar 2021 09:45:27 GMT

Hey Anzee,

Thanks for participating in the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear of what sounds like a very stressful and upsetting day. We're sorry to hear that your friend was not able to support your decision to disclose instances of abuse to Child Protection. We can imagine this would've been a massive blow to your confidence but please know our community is here to support you and we think you're so strong.

We would urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Emo — Sun, 14 Mar 2021 13:05:19 GMT

Hi Anzee,

I know you don't know me but I have been following your story. I too am in an abusive marriage but unlike yourself I am too weak to leave.

The strength you have shown to get yourself and your girls to safety gives me hope and I gain strength from you.

Please don't let your one friend who you reached out to make you second guess the amazing progress you have made so far.

You mentioned that you have one friend who supports you 100%, please focus on that friend as the support person you can rely on.

Please don't question yourself about any of the positive steps you are taking. Continue to reach out for help as both you and your girls deserve to be safe and cared for.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Regards,

Emo.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

geoff — Sun, 14 Mar 2021 15:56:00 GMT

Hello Anzee, please don't stop what you had wanted to do so I agree with Emo, the person who reneged on you is probably only concerned about any repercussions that may, only, may occur, that was probably going to happen somewhere along the line, we can't expect everyone to back us, but if you do give in and do nothing, you don't know what may happen because it gives your partner the strength he needs.

You can't succumb back to his needs, your position will then become more tenable and take advantage of you giving in.

All you need is one person to support you, then along the way others will jump on board, that you don't know of who these people are, but maybe frightened to mention it to you, but as soon as you begin, then they will waken up.

I can't tell you what to do, but beg you not to stop, you don't know what the next few weeks will be like if you stop, and then only wishing you had gone through with it.

Take care.

Geoff.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Anzee — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 08:49:37 GMT

We had our child protection visit today. She asked how safe the kids felt around their dad on a scale of 1- 10 with 10 being the safest, the 8yo said 9 and the 4yo just copied everything her sister said! Then she asked how safe they felt when he was home and him and I were together, 9 again. Then talked about all the things he’s been buying them (he’s been buying them so much stuff and bringing presents and their food of choice to all their visits) and told CP how he plays hide and seek with them, reads books to them etc. Athough it makes me happy that he’s being so caring to them and spending quality time together and that it’s making them happy, deep down I’m thinking of the fact that he would never read or play games with them before and it’s frustrating because I’m scared it is an act and what’s going to happen when he comes home and keeps the act up for a little while but then things slowly go back to him screaming and swearing at them.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

ecomama — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 09:46:01 GMT

Dear Anzee

I doubt there's really anything you could do to "stop" him seeing the kids.
They even make mothers take their kids to see their dads who are incarcerated.

Visitation goes on, even if it needs to be supervised so your "friend" has no idea what she's talking about.

Have you phoned Women's Legal Service?
It's FREE.
You can tell them anything, I mean any thing.

It doesn't matter if you already have a Lawyer or Legal Aid..... I urge you to phone WLS.
They're fully aware of the pitfalls of the path you're desperately trying to tread.
They have cutting edge legal advice.... they stay on their toes for women and children.

Also if you have Facebook, you can contact The Red Heart Foundation.
They're ALL female volunteers who make miracles happen like no other anything.
As far as I'm aware, every single member has left DV or is trying to leave a DV situation, is in Courts etc as I was.
I don't use FB any more at all.

When you feel you have no one else to talk to IRL... 1800RESPECT is there 24/7/366.

Anzee...
the last "research" I read about women in DV relationships in Australia, was that it takes a woman an average of 17 times leaving before they leave for good.
We can think of these statistics any way we choose... some leave once & never go back... some leave 100x.. then done.

When my eldest daughter "kept going back"... I supported her 100% all the time because I needed to keep our relationship going (DV perps isolate victims)... then every time she told me she was going back... I counted out loud... and said "3....14 left to go". With a heavy heart.

the most important point to note in those stats is leaving... these are the women who are on record, who left.
There are countless women who've left & never reported, there are countless women who never got that opportunity.

IN the end with my daughter I said "5 and I hope you get the opportunity to leave, please don't let my angel daughter become a statistic".
That was it for her.

YOU HAVE US.

If you need to write here 100x per day, then do it.
If you need to call helplines all day and all night, then do it.

We care about YOU!

We're here for you whatever your decisions may be.

Love and many Blessings
EM

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Anzee — Wed, 07 Apr 2021 10:13:54 GMT

Surprise, surprise CPs investigation is still going, but she has said that they’re pretty much just waiting for him to do the behaviour change course and he’s on the waiting list. The CP worker has actually been so great and supportive this time around. She’s no longer threatening consequences for me and giving me more freedom to make choices which is nice. Our case for the IVO is supposed to be read on Friday and CP and CNV are pretty much planning on that to be the big deciding factor of what happens next, what the magistrate says etc. I called the police station today to find out any info for Friday, if I needed to be there, what conditions were going to be etc and nite sure if I mentioned this earlier but I had a dodgy cop experience and he kept trying to talk me out of getting the IVO until I admitted there had been physical violence in the past then he agreed to do one. Anyways when I spoke to the same cop today he said we could minimise it as much as I want because he knows I don’t want to get him in trouble. And I really don’t but I’m scared I’ll end up with the blame for making conditions so minimal. He said to me today also that he (my ex) has done nothing wrong to them and nothing illegal, I said well he has actually, he’s done a lot of extremely violent behaviour I just didn’t tell you about it because you said not to put illegal stuff in the order. He just kept repeating I don’t want to get him in trouble so we won’t say much. We are also in a massive housing crisis in our area and any town within 50kms of us so I am struggling so much to stay in the competition and agreed to buy a house with the ex but let the girls and I live there alone until he’s finished his course. BUT Turns out all of our accounts were under his name and his name only and to prove I contributed to our savings I need a letter from my employer and lawyer for inheritance so now I have to decide if I trust him enough to let him use all of that money to buy a house completely under his name, leaving me with nothing and hope he keeps to his word.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Sophie_M — Wed, 07 Apr 2021 10:43:35 GMT

Hi Anzee,

It's good to see that you've made some valuable connections here in the community. These members have a wealth of experience on these issues and have offered some sage advice. It sounds like a really complex situation and we're sorry to hear that it's been a struggle to get your needs met.

We would urge that you contact 1800RESPECT for advice on this issue. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread whenever you're feeling up to it.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

ecomama — Wed, 07 Apr 2021 21:53:33 GMT

Dear Anzee

PLEASE phone Women's Legal Service ASAP (like yesterday).

This all appears to me to be going awry for YOUR best interests, being the mother of 2 girls as well.

No.
I'm just going to be straight up, no way should you "agree" that the abusive person purchases a HOME in his sole name with YOUR money as well.
If you can withdraw YOUR money, do it asap.
The abusive person can KEEP this house and you could end up with zero out of it.

The police person handling the IVO should NOT be saying not to put criminal things in the IVO IF criminal things occurred... esp if you have proof / evidence.

You need someone who KNOWS the Laws in these areas, to be on YOUR side.... hence Women's Legal Service to get a true perspective in yours and your children's best interests.

Please get legal advice... WLS were the absolute BEST for this throughout my cases in similar events.

Best wishes
EM

Leaving after domestic and family violence

SearchingSoul — Mon, 26 Apr 2021 02:10:51 GMT

Hi Anzee,

I've just been reading your story and wanted to check in to see how you are going.

I relate to your story, although I do not have any children with my ex. He was emotionally abusive and used manipulation to keep me in the relationship for four and a half years. We adopted two cats together, and when I finally decided to leave he even tried to use the cats as a reason to "come and visit" me. From past experience, they will use your kind and forgiving heart to bring you back; such as being nicer to the children etc, but this is part of the cycle. Just remember the way that this all makes you feel. You know in the pit of your stomach what is the right decision for your mind, body and soul. You deserve love; real and respectful love, from every person you decide to keep in your life. You do not need to minimise your needs or feelings, and you are allowed to tell the truth about what has happened. You have a voice, and no matter what you choose, remember that your voice deserves to be heard. Other people can give you advice, but no one except you really knows what has taken place. Your children deserve to feel safe and respected always, and they're not really old enough to understand or recognise emotional manipulation.

I wish that I had chosen to leave earlier, because three years later I'm so much happier and finally starting to come to terms with what happened in the past. I can't tell you what to do, but I hope that you feel my sincere emotional support.

You are even braver than you know! Sometimes you have to fake the strength until you actually feel that way.

Best wishes

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Anzee — Mon, 26 Apr 2021 07:31:57 GMT

Thanks for checking in @SearchingSoul,

I pretty much gave up on advocating for my girls and I against my family. I struggle so much to go against their beliefs that abuse is physical only and it has to be pretty extreme to be of concern to them.

I let the cop minimise it and didn’t go to court so his order just says he’s not allowed to commit family violence and he’s not allowed to destroy property.

I really can’t stay at my mums any longer either so I let him buy a house under his name only with our savings including my inheritance, he has had pre approval and the house is advertised as under offer so we’re just waiting for final financial approval and then we’re going to try and get a 30 day settlement. He is still agreeing that he will let the girls and I move to the new house and he will move back to my mums.

my psych, child protection and centre for non violence didn’t agree with my decision to let him get minimal conditions only but they also all understood why I am doing this and the fact that it’s either this or be homeless pretty much. The housing crisis has reached a really scary level. My psych and centre for non violence are still voicing their concerns about me letting him have full financial control over me again but there really isn’t any other option and they also understand that. I also feel like dealing with my family and their minimisation of abuse between sessions with my psych and CNV just continue to put me backwards each week to where I was before so really it just feels like they’re just trying to talk/ lift me back up to the level I had been at the week before.

I just feel like I need more support in my real life circle and I need a stable living situation before I can truly do this and leave him. He is still being nice but it’s now so hard for me not to see things for what they are now which is hard because I had to tell him I will commit to our relationship to get this house and let us live there and I don’t have a leg to stand on to change that. I will see how things go once we get a place of our own and have some space from what feels like just another toxic environment living with my family and hopefully he remains in a good and non abusive nature and if I still can’t find that love for him again when it’s time for him to move in hopefully this extreme rental crisis will have settled 😬

I just feel like the universe is against our separation right now.

Leaving after domestic and family violence

SearchingSoul — Mon, 26 Apr 2021 07:46:23 GMT

Hi Anzee,

Sorry to hear the situation has become even more complicated. It's hard to know what to do and what is the right decision for that moment, especially when you've got your children to look after and you need a stable place to live. I hope things can become clearer for you and that you will be safe. One thing you can try to do for now is to keep taking care of yourself and your mental health, and to remember that you are important.

Best wishes

Leaving after domestic and family violence

Anzee — Wed, 26 May 2021 07:54:59 GMT

So there was an incident between him and I a couple of weeks ago and I disclosed it to my psych and centre for non violence worker and they said it was sexual assault and reported him to child protection for breaching his minimal conditioned IVO and now they’re telling me I have to make a report to the police amd have the IVO changed to full conditions but they’re always so busy and never communicate with me and I don’t want to change the IVO (he got approved for the house and we can move in a few weeks but I don’t know if the girls and I will be allowed to live in the new house with the full conditioned IVO. Also he keeps texting and asking if he can come and see the kids and the kids keep asking if he can come and he’ll ask them while on video call to them in front of me and I just don’t know what to say. As far as I know CNV haven’t made contact with CP yet so they don’t know about the incident that breached his IVO and I’ve emailed and tried calling my CNV worker all day today to ask what the go is, if he’s allowed to come, if I can get into trouble if he does etc but haven’t had an answer and I don’t want to be the one that has to tell him that I accidentally dobbed on him and now restrictions will be back any place.

also my CNV worker want us to go to a refuge but it’s 40 minutes away and I just don’t know if I can do it. Has anyone else stayed in a refuge? What’s it like? Is it scary, overwhelming, depressing, triggering etc?? Or is it a comfortable and welcoming place?