topic Compulsive Liar in PTSD and trauma

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Fri, 16 Aug 2019 00:19:09 GMT

Wasn't sure where to start, I'm 45 and need help with my compulsive lying. I used to always lie when I was younger and it never stopped, there were times when the truth was being shown in front of me and I would still lie. I have a wife and two kids and I don't want to accept this is who I am anymore. I'm not sure where to start so I am jumping on in the hope someone might be able to inform me of how I can stop this self destructive behaviour. I was abused as a child and part of me knows that might have been the start of this but I want to stop this defining who I am. I have a great life and it always feels like I get to a point where everything is awesome and then I go ahead and ruin it. please help as I don't want to lose my family as it's the only thing I've ever really had

Compulsive Liar

PamelaR — Fri, 16 Aug 2019 04:55:13 GMT

Hi Jezza and warm welcome to our forums

It's great you have found your way to our community. From what you've said it sounds like you are at a crossroad and ready to make changes in your life. Hopefully you will find our forums a support for you.

Being a compulsive liar is often associated with childhood trauma. My younger brother is similar to you. He can say black is white and you would think he really believes it. It wasn't until recently that someone identified the reason for the compulsive lying - it was a way of coping when he was younger. To try to get out of trouble which often meant his abuse, berating and beating. I can see his shame, pain and guilt even now as a middle aged man. Does this sound anything you can relate to?

Working through childhood trauma is difficult and a trying time. Do you think you might be up to working through it with someone - someone who is experienced with childhood trauma?

I have been through the process - it has taken years, however I have recovered and healed. It doesn't mean life is always rosy, it does mean that my quality of life has improved and I can manage those behaviours that are a result of my upbringing.

It's taking a step forward and often several steps back. This process goes on for some time. However, for me the journey was well worth the effort. My relationship with my hubby is the best now than it's ever been.

Do you have any ideas about how you'd like us to help? I can give you so options for moving forward, however, I'm sure you will know many of these, e.g. going to see your doctor and getting a referral for a mental health plan, and/or contacting Blue Knot Foundation - https://www.blueknot.org.au

Hope some of this helps Jezza.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Compulsive Liar

paddyanne — Fri, 16 Aug 2019 10:42:55 GMT

Hi Jezza251. PamelaR has made some extremely valid points. Can I inquire if, as a child, you felt ashamed of your home life? Often youngsters embellish to hide or cover up how things really are at home. The constant lying to cover up becomes almost habitual and it gets harder to distinguish truth from fiction as we grow. The fact that you're aware but can't stop, suggests the habit is controlling you, rather than you being in control. I can only reiterate Pamela's suggestion of talking to a professional counselor. Maybe write down things because from habit you may automatically lie and that's a step back. It will be uncomfortable but anything worth fixing has to be done properly.

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Fri, 16 Aug 2019 23:09:24 GMT

Hi paddyanne

My home life was torture, My brother abused me and set me up as a lyer in the family. I think he did that to make it impossible for me to ever tell them what he was doing. I was forever being asked if I did something bad like drink all the coke, and when I told the truth I was then punished for lying. It became my way to get into less trouble to lie. I find there are periods of my life that are really clear, and really honest and it's almost like I relax a little and I start lying, cheating and just destroying my life. I think I really need to go to counseling. I think my marriage is over. But I still need to try fix the man I've become

Compulsive Liar

paddyanne — Fri, 16 Aug 2019 23:31:29 GMT

Hi Jezza251. I can well relate to your abusive home life as mine was similar. My school friends would ask if they could visit me but I lied to cover up why they shouldn't. Lying did become my ally but once I left home and didn't have to continue it was hard because my life consisted of lying, vicious cycle. I tried to stop, but like you, it became a habit and only stopped abruptly when I was caught out. Telling the truth can be major. You were abused and lied to as a child, so the habit formed before you could stop it. Is your wife fully aware of your past home life. Telling her would be a good start, the more she understands you love her and don't want to destroy the marriage, the better the bond would be. Part of the marriage ceremony includes the vow in sickness etc. This compulsion to lie is a form of mental health and your wife needs to understand how mental health affects us in so many different ways. She probably knows some of it, but not all.

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Sat, 17 Aug 2019 01:04:30 GMT

Hi Paddyanne

Yeah I've told her about my past in great detail. I think she struggles because she is such an honest person, and has always been there to help and support me. before I posted yesterday I really thought that my lying was something that I controlled, after searching through the forums and articles it is clear to see that I need professional help. I could also see from her side that it's a convenient excuse. I'm starting to wonder if her life would be better without me. it's so hard to say things will be different when i've already broken so many promises to her before. And thanks for replying, it's a real tough time.

Compulsive Liar

paddyanne — Sat, 17 Aug 2019 01:38:09 GMT

Hi again, Jezza. If you decide to leave someone you love, how will that help either of you? Because she is honest, it is difficult to understand why someone would be compelled to lie. Maybe see if both of you could attend counselling so your wife gets a clearer understanding. As I pointed out, mental health covers many aspect, one is the compulsion to lie. Your wife possibly doesn't really understand how your abusive background has affected you. Mental, physical, sexual abuse affects many people right through. I know my ex can't understand because he had a fairly loving, supportive family. The need to lie to cover is part of the after affects, if you like, of the abuse you suffered. Please see your Dr before making any decisions re: your marriage.

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Sat, 17 Aug 2019 02:10:17 GMT

Hey Paddyannne

My problem is I lie and cheat on my wife, and cheated again after I promised I wouldn't.

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Sat, 17 Aug 2019 02:20:56 GMT

I will see a doctor, but I'm pretty sad at what I've done

Compulsive Liar

paddyanne — Sat, 17 Aug 2019 03:36:36 GMT

Hi Jezza. I think the problem is more deep seated than you have opened up here about. Lying and cheating repeatedly suggests possibly a reaction that you're not getting. What reaction do you want? If you want your wife to take the initiative and ask you to leave and she either ignores you or refuses to let go, does this make you more determined to destroy your marriage, if so, why? You say you love and want the marriage, yet you seem determined to destroy. Lying and knowing you have succeeded in lying can make us think we've gotten away with it. However, you are actually lying to several people here. Your wife, you, your children. You say you want to stop, get help, but you need to be honest with yourself if you want to break this vicious cycle. The only person who can change this negative, destructive behaviour is you, but you have to learn how to tell the truth. Start by being honest with you. See your Dr but be honest with him.

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Sat, 17 Aug 2019 07:48:08 GMT

Thanks for the reply paddyanne

I actually thought hard about this one, I think I'm so used to having bad things happen that I feel more comfortable in times of stress. when everything is going well I seem to do something bad. I've taken my first step by telling her some truths, I started a truth book as well. I'm still going to go to the doctors ,but I think this may be a good start. hopefully I can continue to try to be truthful

Compulsive Liar

paddyanne — Sun, 18 Aug 2019 03:57:04 GMT

Hi Jezza251. Is a 'truth' book similar to recording daily events in a personal diary? If it is, you would still have to admit that you lied about so and so. I realize admitting to lies is hard, but in the long run getting trust is important. If you have the courage to admit such and such was a fabrication, then accept that you can't simply quit because the habit is so ingrained, the answer lies in admitting how the compulsion to lie started. We all want to lay blame on others when our actions threaten our happiness. However accepting responsibility for our own actions (good and bad) is showing strength of character. I suggest you enter where you think the problem started i.e your brother's abuse and acceptance of 'getting away with it'. No matter what he did, he's no longer involved and your problem has escalated. Keep going with your book and take it when you see your Dr. It will enforce your genuine desire to change your destructive behavior.

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Sun, 18 Aug 2019 23:51:23 GMT

Hi paddyanne

No my truth book is writing down lies that I've told, I read in another person's feed that writing down lies can some times make confessing the truth easier, and it can help. I've made my appointment for the doctor and have been addressing the things that happened in the past with my wife. It doesn't excuse my lies or my actions. I'm just trying to make a start somewhere

Compulsive Liar

PamelaR — Mon, 19 Aug 2019 03:03:11 GMT

Hi Jezza

Good on you for making a start. It does take courage, it's never easy. But you are taking steps and really that is good.

You have talked about addressing things that have happened in the past with your wife. How has that been going? Is she supportive.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Compulsive Liar

paddyanne — Mon, 19 Aug 2019 07:16:01 GMT

Hi Jezza251. In a way this truth book is similar to keeping a diary because you are still recording lying and why. I guess you still have to address where the original problem began, the abuse you suffered. Your brother is no longer part of your life, but he is the start. Perhaps too, enter in the book your intense love for wife and family, which is like the base of your new life. Each new phase of our life's journey has a base (foundation). You left an abusive home life and married, there began the next phase, but you carried emotional baggage with you (we all carry emotional baggage). To discard the emotional baggage (the lies which your life is founded on), is where you now begin the next chapter and this is where the baggage has to stay. Once you learn to leave the baggage where it lies, telling the truth will become easier. My sibling (I have no contact with him) bases his entire life on fabrication. Mum used to make excuses for him, the main one being (he's only joking, ignore him). Unfortunately this permitted him to continue and he now lies quite unashamedly about everything. He will tell whoever listens that: 1) He's adopted, 2) He's part Maori, 3) Mum slept with Maori's during her marriage to my dad or 4) The most hurtful: We have a brother that was adopted out at birth. None of it is true but even challenging him is useless as he will lie to cover the lie. In his case, his base (emotional baggage) is very much what he thinks is his life.

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Tue, 27 Aug 2019 07:46:45 GMT

Hi Pamela

Yeah she's being supportive and has been really way better than I deserve. It tears me up to see her in such pain though. I went to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressents which I think have really helped. I've also booked an appointment with a pyschiatrist so Have really got the ball rolling. Just trying to convince my wife that this time will be different is impossible so I'm just trying to be here for her and I think sorting my past will be very important to my future

Compulsive Liar

quirkywords — Tue, 27 Aug 2019 08:36:50 GMT

Jezza251

I have caught up on yourvthreda and am so impressed by your determination tonget help and work through your issues and insights into your lying.

Pamela and Paddyanne have been very supportive and just wanted to add my support.

I used to lie a lot when young because I didn’t like who I was. When I was manic I made up many stories which I saw as harmless but others saw as lies.

when I was on medication for my moodswings Imlearnt I didn’t need to lie.

I see you have been honest here and are getting help.

thanks again for being open here as your threadwwill help others with a similar problem.

Quirky

Compulsive Liar

Buggywug — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 00:02:00 GMT

Hi Jezza. You sound very motivated and perhaps you became a liar as a self-defence mechanism after being abused? I suggest that a psychologist who specialises in trauma would probably be a good start. Being able to discuss your life story and current situation in a non-judgemental atmosphere, and being given techniques to help overcome self-destructive behaviour can be of enormous benefit, as I can testify from first- hand experience.( I also suffered bad childhood abuse). I think a visit to your GP would be a good move, because he/she can work out if you may need psych. medication as well as psychotherapy. Whichever it is, the fact that you can unburden yourself to trained practitioners is an enormous relief. The positive thing is that you appreciate your life and family and that's a great incentive to seeking professional help. I wish you all the best!!

Compulsive Liar

Jezza251 — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 22:22:51 GMT

Hi Buggywug

Yeah I've got my referral and am on anti-depresssents which have made such a difference so far. Feeling positive about my future for once and looking forward to seeing my psychologist as well (daunted as well). Thanks for your reply and support

Compulsive Liar

quirkywords — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 22:41:46 GMT

Hi jezza,

Thanks for letting us know about yours referral and medication.

Just a suggestion you could write down a few points to take to take to the psychologist so you have them in front of you if you need them. You could even edit and cut and post some of your posts here.

Quirky