topic Am i the only one rejection consume in PTSD and trauma

Am i the only one rejection consume

Richie01 — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 00:37:58 GMT

This is my first time here and its come at the stage in my life where i have lost everything i love because i have pushed and pushed until they couldn't take it anymore.

Im try to get help but opening up is terrifying and only possible in small windows which never seem to be open at the right time. Its great for everyone to say get help, like its that easy!!! Truth is, ive been carrying my pain since i was six years old when my sexual abuse started. I have been almost re living the worst days of my life in my mind over and over in my head for the last five years, only having a chance to breathe in that small space between starting to drink and being too drunk to see reason. My partner who i love with all of my heart, bore the brunt of my fears and to be honest, i couldn't even see the effect i was having on her when i was in that state. I hate me for that.

When we met, for the first few years, things were great, she knew i had been abused but not in any detail. She was proud of me for being so strong and i guess at the time i was. Over time, after we had our three beautiful children, the intimacy between us died and the past just kept coming back. It was as tho every advance i made was rejected, i couldn't work it out. I put it down to me, not being good enough and all of the related feelings that go with it. Eventually, i feel i let all of my good intentions become a quest for a sexual connection again because for me, feeling rejected sexually had become a trigger.

To me, my abuser never rejected me, he is the only one who wants me. I dont know how this thought process manifested itself because there were reasons that explained the lack of intimacy but none seemed to take away the rejection i felt. So i would internalises it and push it away. We would make up for the outbursts i had in a quick fix till next time cycle. The thoughts never went away, the past grew more and more into my present. I feel like im going crazy, im panicking as i write this. I really dont know what to do. I just want to treat the ones i love like i want to, why do i let being raped as a child be the defining part of my life. It changes and rules everything.

I want to tell her everything. But the reason i couldn't for all of those years was that it would hurt her less to feel i felt rejected by her, to fight and make up for that than to let her see and feel the pain i do.

Has anyone else out there had those feelings? I feel like no one can understand and im alone in this.

Am i the only one rejection consume

Aaronsis — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 01:08:43 GMT

Hello Richie01

Firstly I wanted to say welcome, to the forum and this wonderful community, here I hope you feel the support, the care and that we are here to listen and to help you through this time, it is so very brave to share your pain and your story and I am so beyond sorry that as a child you had to experience the most horrific of acts that a child can experience, I am so sorry.

From reading your story though can I say, you are so very emotionally intelligent and you have a very good understanding of your feelings, of your actions and how what you are feeling and responding impacts your daily life and your relationship with your partner. This was so wonderful to read that you know how the past behaviors have impacted your ability to relate openly to your partner, how they impact your ability to have intimacy with your partner, knowledge is such power Richie01. So what to do with this knowledge and turn this into healing and into a way that you can share this pain and the events openly with your partner so she too can respond to you in the way you need and so she too can learn and get the full picture of you and to help you on your way to happiness.

I am not going to say I understand how you feel and that I know how hard it is for you, I do not, I am just so sorry that you have gone through this. I am also sorry that the pain and now turned you to alcohol to get some relief. I know you understand and know that sometimes the drinking can lead to making the original issue harder to manage so I am not going to go on about that, however, if you can try to limit and start to make moves to reduce the amount of alcohol you are consuming that will be a start. While the pain and the emotions may start to feel worse or elevated without the mask of alcohol, you can start to deal with these with the right support and guidance.

I believe that telling your partner everything is very wise, to share with her as much as you feel comfortable to, to let her understand that your reactions and actions are coming from a place of pain and this is not who you are, this might help her to to understand the intimacy issues and gives you a chance to discuss with her how to get your connection back on track. You may even need to seek the support of a professional to have these conversations with her so that you can get some support.

I hope to chat some more to you.

I think you are so very strong and very brave, more than you know or allow yourself credit for.

Hugs

Sarah

Am i the only one rejection consume

Sophie_M — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 01:25:09 GMT

Hi RIchie,

First of all thank you so much for reaching out and sharing this with us today. We know taking that first step isn't easy and it was very brave of you to do so. And so very important.

We're sorry to hear of your childhood sexual abuse and how it continues to affect you in your daily life. We want you to know we're here to give you as much advice, support and coversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

Please know there is always help available to you Richie. You can call Beyond Blue and speak to a counsellor anytime from anywhere within Australia on 1300 22 4636. You might also like to reach out to our friends at Relationships Australia on 1300 364 227 or MensLine (also available 24/7) on 1300 78 99 78.

Please do keep checking back in with us here to let us know how you're doing whenever you feel up to it.

Am i the only one rejection consume

Richie01 — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 09:05:14 GMT

Thank you. I don’t really know what to say. I wasn’t sure if the responses I would get would be how I imagined them. I have it in my head that everything I feel is something that a man should just deal with. A couple of years ago my father asked me if I was making up the story of what happened to me when I tried to talk to him about it. We never had a strong bond, it completely disappeared that day. Since then, I’ve been worse than I ever had been. I’m so tired of holding it together, I feel like every day something bad is going to happen, I don’t know what but a fear is there every day, like someone is watching me, like if I’m not on guard, I’m exposed.
It has been worse since my partner and I separated two months ago. All I do is focus on what I’ve become. I see the things now that I didn’t even realise I was doing. I love her with every part of good in me I have left. My children and her are everything but they are gone. I really want to talk to her about it, I don’t think it will change anything tho. I feel like for me, happiness ended a lifetime ago. I was stupid to think I deserved what I had. I can just hear him saying those words over and over. That I’m his, that no one will believe me, that if I don’t do what he wants when he wants he will hurt my sisters, that I’m his and no one else will ever want me. I’m so numb to it at the moment yet when I type that, It’s like I can smell and feel his breath on the back of my neck and I feel physically sick. I don’t understand it. How can I be too scared to sleep almost thirty years later. How do I tell her that. What does that change? I honestly want her to be happy, I know that probably isn’t going to be with me, I hate to but have to accept that. I don’t want her to see that pain but I don’t want her to think she caused what happened. Maybe I should just vanish. My family deserves a life of happiness.
I havnt had a drink in the 8 weeks and three days since we separated. God knows I want to, just one night where I don’t feel this. That’s all I want. But it does make it worse so I don’t. I wish I had been able to do that so long ago. Before I let it hurt the person I love.
I don’t know who I am anymore, I can’t sleep or eat. I force a small meal at night to stop myself feeling sick and sleep, it’s not a decision, it happens only when I’m too exhausted to stay awake. I hate what I see when I close my eyes.
sorry, I didn’t mean to type such a dark reply, thank you for taking the time to respond.
Richard

Am i the only one rejection consume

Sophie_M — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 09:51:32 GMT

Hey Richie,
Thanks for checking back in with us. We can hear how overwhelmed and hopeless you feel right now and we are so sorry. If you feel up to it, would you tell us more about your relationship with your partner? We can hear how important she is to you. It might be worthwhile for you to tell her how you've been feeling these past 8 weeks and from what you've said she sounds like an accepting person who would be willing to listen. We know how difficult it is to share these aspects of your life and we commend you for doing so. We would recommend contacting the Blue Knot Foundation Helpline on 1300 657 380 or by emailing helpline@blueknot.org.au (from 9am to 5pm AEST.) The Blue Knot Helpline provides information and short term counselling nationally via telephone for adults survivors of childhood abuse. They also have a number of factsheets on their website you might find useful. Please let us know in your next post how we can best support you here on the forums and if there are strategies you've used in the past to help in difficult moments like this.

Am i the only one rejection consume

Aaronsis — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 10:11:43 GMT

Hi Richard

It is nice to know your name and I am so proud of you, never apologize for what you have said here, what you have said takes so much courage, so much bravery and I hope more than anything that it starts to form a picture for you, so that you can know start to put the pieces of this picture together and see the real you, Richard, a man who has suffered a horrendous childhood rape and who lives with fear, anger and disgust every day. Well the thing is that it is not you and it is not who you are, it is trauma that has happened to you and it does not define you. It also does not get to make you feel like less of a man, and it is not something you should just "deal with"..no..this is real, this happened to you and I am so very sorry your father did not acknowledge this event, but I believe you , I hear you and I am so sorry this happened to you.

Now it is time to start to take back your life and you are already on the path and I am so proud that for the past 8 weeks you have not had a drink, when this is a time you could have really turned to the bottle and you have not, this is so fantastic and I am thrilled for you, that is so hard to do so well done Richard, well done.

I think in the past 8 weeks you have done some real reflection and had some huge realizations about you and about your relationship and I think that is so healthy, as you said, you are realizing things you did in the relationship that you had no idea you were doing, how wonderful is that, it means you can address them and correct them. These are the things that you will continue to work on and in time, when you are able to you will talk to your partner and she will see that you have done some work, some serious work, and regardless if there is a future together or not, you have children together and from a mother's view point how awesome that their father is healing and growing.

With some professional help I believe you can find Richard, the real Richard, who is buried under all this pain but who is slowly raising his head. With the right support you can learn that you are not to blame, you are not "HIS", you never were and never will be, "HE" is exposed now, the secret is out, he is responsible for this horrendous crime and he owns it, give him back that pain, that is his to carry, not yours anymore.

I am running out of words here but hope to chat some more to you, to help you chat to your partner too.

I believe you and you matter, you are so brave and so strong.

Hugs

Sarah

Am i the only one rejection consume

Richie01 — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 10:42:38 GMT

Hi. We aren’t talking. She is seeing a counsellor who says she should leave me. That’s pretty much all the info I know. I would like to think telling her the truth would make a difference but I also feel like she will feel betrayed that I havnt done anything to stop me emotionally hurting her for so long. I never meant to hurt her, i love her. I just couldn’t stop pushing her away even tho it’s the last thing I wanted. I want better for her, I think in a way I wanted her to hate me so it was easier for her to say goodbye. But I regret every single thing I have done.
I can’t change who I am, I don’t deserve a person, a family as special as what Had.

Sehra is the only person I ever felt comfortable with sexually, I didn’t feel threatened or anything negative. I couldn’t stand sex until I met her, not always but I couldn’t be with someone for too long and it would lead to the feelings I couldn’t stand. With Sehra, when we were intimate, it was the only time I ever felt loved, not used. i love her yet I made her feel like I didn’t care.
ive been admitted to a mental health hospital before, three or four times actually. All suicide related as ashamed as I am to admit it. I don’t want to die, I just can’t stand the memories, the doubt, the guilt. It consumes everything I am and everyone I care about. I learned to hide my feelings in the past, to get out of those places where even though you are there for help, you are reminded every second of why you are there and it destroys you inside. I don’t know what I need, I cope by running, by removing anyone from my life I may have to explain myself to and rebuild my life on a lie. I couldn’t do that with Sehra and the kids, I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I want to talk but typing is about as much strength as I can gather, I feel almost paranoid, like someone will hear me. I hate feeling this shame. I just want to be anyone else.

Am i the only one rejection consume

Sophie_M — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 11:43:07 GMT

Hey Richard, Thanks for letting us in and sharing more about your partner with us. We understand it takes a lot of strength to share these thoughts and feelings. Please know there is no problem that cannot be overcome with the right treatment and support around you.
We’d like to talk through some additional support options with you offline, could you check your email? You’ll have one waiting from our team there.

Thanks again for posting, Richard. We hope to hear from you soon.

Am i the only one rejection consume

Aaronsis — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 11:46:28 GMT

Hi Richard

I hear what you are saying about Sehra seeking some support and her counselor suggesting she should leave you. I think that this is a snapshot of perhaps a lot of sessions she has been attending and I would like to think that the counselor would be encouraging Sehra to make her own decisions and helping her to discover what is best for her.

You say that you haven't done anything while you have been apart to stop you emotionally hurting her, what does that look like to you? I would like to suggest that you are here, very remorseful, talking, trying to figure out the way forward, that is huge. Sophie M has suggested Blue Knot to you and I think that too is a really great place to start, I know you said that you struggle with seeking support and that it makes you lie to avoid and get out of the situation, can I suggest that you also haven't been in this space before and maybe now you are ready to receive this help and support now?

I think you can change who you are and you are already doing that, you do deserve her and your children and you deserve to be happy, you don't get to let "HIM" win this time, enough, now it is time to take back you and your family.

You mentioned that you push people away that you hated any sexual experience and I can most certainly understand that, the fact you can acknowledge that you made Sehra feel that you didn't care is also another step forward in your self awareness and another step forward to mending this relationship.

Please do not feel shame about your feeling suicidal in the past and that you have had hospital stays in relation to suicide, I am just so proud that you are safe, that you did speak up and get some support and someone heard you. It makes me so very happy to hear that you don't want to die, that you want the pain to go away, I am so pleased to hear that Richard. Once again, those deep, painful thoughts are not who you are and I am just so happy for you that you were able to reach out and someone helped you.

If typing is as much strength as you can gather at this time then you keep on typing, we are here to sit with you and support you through this time. I can't help but feeling that this thread is something you could one day show Sehra, there would be no other words required as here you have been so open and honest that it captures everything you have wanted to tell her, that you feel and that you want her to know. I wonder if you would consider that?

Sarah

Am i the only one rejection consume

Richie01 — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 22:38:35 GMT

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for the reply, Its so strange to not feel judged.

In relation to not doing anything to emotionally hurt Sehra since we broke up, I actually meant that when we were together i didn't do anything. I feel like i have failed her because only at the end was i able to see the issues. Honestly, i dont know if it was ever possible to while we were together, I struggle to understand why i couldnt but just know that it wasnt possible and in no way is that on her.

I agree with Sehra needing counselling and that maybe it is just a snippet. I agree with that guidance in many ways, the way i see who i was would have been hell. I was never violent, i loved her so much but the constant range of extremes from one to complete anger would have caused so much pain for her. To top it off, sex was something that in my head, would make things better, that it would take away the rejection i felt and make me whole again. Im sure that for her, i made her feel used. To be honest, the more i think about it, the more i know how i must have made her feel and i am repulsed that i did that to her. The hardest part is now i see what i was really after, i made sex the excuse, i put her lack of affection to me onto her as the reason i was angry. It never was, sure it triggered something in me but in my logical mind, i know it had nothing to do with me. What i wanted was her, her love but i guess i convinced myself and her that it was the physical side i needed and nothing else. Its pretty confronting to realise how completely against my beliefs that i have been towards her.

I do hope, every second of the day, that somehow i can make this up to her. I could go on for a lifetime about how much she means to me, about how beautiful and perfect she is to me in every way.Yet the only story that matters anymore is how i let myself hurt her. It tears me apart every day.

I sound obsessed dont I? I guess in a way i am. I know how wrong her idea of my feelings towards her is. I cant blame her for that, I own that. I just cant bear the thought of losing her without her knowing the truth.

But i have to deal with myself for now i guess. See where this road takes me.

Richard

Am i the only one rejection consume

Aaronsis — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 02:01:55 GMT

Good Morning Richard

We are not here to judge you, judgement alludes to the fact, in my opinion, that I am perhaps better than you or know more than you and this is certainly not the case. Here I view myself as a friend chatting to give comfort, hope and sometimes to shine light on other angles that may have been overlooked, never to judge. Here we are all equal, all deserving of love and support Richard, this includes you.

You have done so much reflection and thinking and have had some really huge realizations. I think now with time and with some action you can really put the ways of the past in the past and start to make some other choices that make you feel happy with who you are. I think focusing on you, on making you stronger and working on the things that you are not so proud of and turning them into action is the way forward now. You may seek some assistance in doing these things, from a counsellor to guide you through this time.

Focusing on you and being the best version of you, focus on being the best father to you babies is what is important now. Sehra will see this and if she affords you the opportunity of a conversation and a chance to communicate then that is a wonderful wonderful bonus, but we cannot focus on "getting her back" as the destination for your healing. Making Richard the best version of Richard as a man and as a father I feel is the destination on your journey, would you agree with that?

I can hear you have put a lot of thought into empathising with how Sehra might be feeling and what she might be thinking, both now and on reflection from the relationship, the thing is though that you will never truly know the answer to these questions, thoughts and assumptions until you discuss them with her and give her a chance to speak and clarify. I feel that overthinking and wondering and running scenarios over and over, that may or may not be true can be really damaging to you. I know it is hard not to overthink this, but I think this is where focusing on you, what you do know and what you can change is key here..just my thoughts.

I can see how the sexual abuse has really caused you confusion in how you view sex, how it has impacted your sexual relationships and this is really devastating to hear. I think once again someone to talk to through these issues might be able to help you gain some clarity on this and some perspective, and healing too. I am so very sorry this has happened to you Richard.

Chat some more

Your friend Sarah

Am i the only one rejection consume

Richie01 — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 03:07:12 GMT

Thanks Sarah,

Your right. I am overthinking everything and i am in a mindset that i want her back. I have to let her make the choices she needs and as much as it hurts, i am responsible for where our relationship ended up.

I think i always (even now) take the focus off of my problems by either making more manageable ones or putting all of my thoughts into another issue that takes away from my own. As much as i want our life back, it can never happen until i stop and learn to live with me. The sad truth is that i created the problems Sehra and i had to stop the truth about what was really going on from coming out. Maybe it was a conscious decision, i really dont fee it was but ultimately, as you said, in reflection, it really does seem that way.

I dont know what to expect, i need to do something i have avoided my whole life. Im scared of opening that door fully. I feel weak because lets face it, what was so bad about what happened? A bit of fun for someone. Thats all i was / it was. Maybe i should feel happy that someone actually wanted me for who i was even if it was just to satisfy them. Thats how i see it today. I feel like im going to lose it when i think about it so i accept it for what it was, and it was just me making someone happy. I Know its wrong but thats how it makes me feel. I know its not right but its the only way i can keep it together. Thats all ive ever been able to do to get by. I will be ok if i keep thinking along those lines. At least until the next time I cant lie to myself anymore and come face to face with it, when i cant lie anymore. It could be tomorrow or in ten years time but it always comes back. Every time worse than the last. Im on the edge right now, deal with my past and everything ive lost or revert back to all i know, all that kept me alive.

Thats where i am. Im a mess of anger, confusion, hope and fear. All of the hope, the want no to not run, to finally deal has a fear attached. All of the fear that makes me run like i have always done has no hope attached.

Ive always had bad experiences with getting professional help, I never found the right person, I could never get to the point where i could truly open up. I dont trust people and those i do trust, i dont want to burden or have their pity. I really dont know where to start but i have to somehow.

Sorry for all of this, i know im talking in circles but thank you for listening. I really do appreciate it and it helps a lot not feeling alone.

Richard

Am i the only one rejection consume

Aaronsis — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 06:33:44 GMT

Hi Richard

You are fine, and not going around and around in circles, however it comes out it comes out, at least it is coming out and I am really glad to hear that it helps alot and you are right, you are not alone, unfortunately there are many others here with the same experience as you, which is both horrific, heartbreaking and down right wrong. If talking is helping though then we will do that, share as much as you feel comfortable to Richard.

I hear what you are saying, that you direct the focus elsewhere, do avoidance, try to talk yourself into a situation where it is "acceptable" so that you can function. The thing is that it is not acceptable, it is not the only type of love you deserve, that was not love or even affection, it was abuse, from and adult who clearly has issues of their own and pain of their own and have now successfully transferred that pain and horror to an innocent child, who now as a man is struggling to process this and live a happy life. What part of that do you deserve Richard, none of it..it was not your fault, it was not your choice and you did not deserve that.

I understand what you mean in that in the past you have not managed to put this abuse in the right place and it does come back, worse than before and unfortunately until you have managed to heal from this it will rear its ugly head. I know in the past you haven't had success with finding the right help, therapists are people too and just as we don't connect with every one in life we too have to find the right person to connect with to really make a difference in our healing. I was lucky, I found a connection with the first person I talked with, but it may take four or five therapists until you can make that connection and then that is when the healing happens, please don't lose hope, you are worth the fight, your relationship is worth the fight and your children are worth the fight. You can be happy, you can have successful sexual and intimate relationships again Richard, with the right help. I am wondering how you would feel about contacting The Blue Knot? I think this would be a great starting point, what do you think?

I am so happy to chat to you and to help you think this process through and be here to listen to you and support you, to help you give back that pain and that abuse to the owner, which is not you. To also give you a voice to sit and tell Sehra your feelings for her, what has happened to you and what you are doing to heal.

You are so brave

Sarah

Am i the only one rejection consume

Richie01 — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 09:19:36 GMT

Thank you Sarah,

I’m not saying I’m there yet but the words you say are truely how I feel inside. It’s a hard step letting go of what I know, accepting the truth. I know it’s a step i want and need to take. It’s just a step I always get to and back away from. I’ve been so scared of letting anyone know what I see, I feel like I can go to a place that no one else can go in my mind. A place no one should have to go. I want to stop going there. It’s taken me the best part of thirty years to get here, the whole time, I’ve never forgotten a thing. It’s no way to live building up enough energy every day to smile while inside you are crying out for something, anything to take away the feelings. I do what I do and act the way I act because I’m on the edge of falling and some times the smallest of things feels like enough to take away the strength I have to endure.
I will fight for my family, I want to fight for me. I just keep fighting myself, that’s the problem. How can I move past if I can’t accept that it’s the past. I know it is, it just feels so fresh in my mind. I just want to forget, I’m calm about it today and I feel like it’s possible, tomorrow could be the opposite and all of the reason I see today will mean nothing. I live with that every day, the good days are so great but even on the beautiful days, I know they will not last as much as I wish with all of my heart that they would.
I have dialled the blue knot number so many times, I just can’t press call. I don’t know why, I know I’m scared to start this but I’m more scared of losing everything I want to fight for.

Can I ask, how would you tell someone you love so much that you have hidden so much. That as honest with them as you wanted to be, you could never expose them to this. Love is supposed to know no bounds but it was love that made me not want to put her through knowing how much I hurt inside. Only at the end, could I ever find a way through. That losing her, seeing the hurt I had caused, that’s true pain. It just feels so wrong to say I couldn’t do this with her but the last thing I want is to do it without her.

I know now isn’t the time, I need to be the me my family deserves and maybe I never will be but I owe her the truth.
Thank you for your time Sarah, i have never had a reply to the questions in my mind. I’m not ok but somehow, something as simple as a reply from someone with no benefit from replying, nothing to gain, that has truely changed a belief I had about people.

Richard

Am i the only one rejection consume

Aaronsis — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 09:51:59 GMT

Hello Richard

I have no doubt at all the level of fear, how terrified you must be to have to open your mouth to say the words out loud, to get some support, I have just looked up The Blue Knot Foundation and they actually have email based support too, this could be a really great start for you, to do with them what you are sharing here with me, yet they can give you tools and techniques that I know nothing about, here is the email address:

helpline@blueknot.org.au

I am so sorry to hear you are in a battle with yourself about this, that the memories of this hideous event are as raw and vivid as if it was yesterday, that you live with this pain hidden under the surface every day of your life, and just smile to get through the day. This is not living Richard, this is heartbreaking to hear you are just keeping your head above water, meanwhile your legs are going one thousand miles an hour to keep you just going. How dare a person take the joy and happiness of you life away from you, how dare they.

To answer your question, there are two ways that you can communicate with Sehra, to let her know what has happened to you, why you react the way you do, why you hurt the way you do. The first way is to write, write her a letter and sit with her while she reads it. Make some time with her, have the children looked after so it is just you and her. You might not do this until you have sought some professional support so you can have someone to counsel you through this time, and after the moment when she reads the letter, it will be hugely emotional for you both. The other way is to pre record you talking and you can talk through the things you want to tell her, but with out the pain of the face to face pressure, perhaps shame, guilt, all the reasons why you have never opened up to her in the past. I am not sure if either of those work for you.

The reasons why you should share this with her is because you love her, so very much. Let her support you, let her cry with you, let her see who Richard is and why he struggles with some aspects of a relationship. This is not you, the abuse is not you, it was a crime and abuse that happened to you and it was not your fault. But you do this in your time Richard as it will be tough, but I feel very important.

I am glad that your faith has been restored here, you are right, we have no reason to be here other than we care, we want to support others and help reduce the pain.

Here for you my friend, chat soon.

Sarah x

Am i the only one rejection consume

Richie01 — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 04:41:31 GMT

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your advice. I will try the idea of the letter, It will be better than trying to talk.

I have not spoken to her in any form other than a brief message about calling the kids for about two weeks. She asked for space and at the start i struggled to give her that, i was trying to fight for us but i was and feel like i still am the only one who is. Maybe im wrong but eight years of talking every day and to just have that stop. Ive lost my best friend and my soulmate because of this but that is truly how see her, she is the complete picture of everything i have ever wanted. I struggle to even accept that i let myself push her away let alone fact that i did it over and over. I feel like i have failed her and the kids by not facing my past, I just dont know how any words could ever make up for the damage i have unwillingly yet so purposefully caused. I dont want her to forget everything and things go back to normal, i want to be the man she deserved all along. I just hope there is a way i can show her that but i wont give up.

Im struggling to get help, ive had a couple of video appointments but it really doesnt feel right. Maybe im expecting something i shouldnt be, i feel like i need a connection of sorts with someone in order to talk openly.

I dont know even where to start, i feel like i just want to et everything out in one session and deal with the repercussions afterwards. Yet everyne wants to talk about the coping mechanisms that 'we' can explore. I dont want that yet, i just want to not cope, to be a crying mess and let everything out. I want to destroy every guard i have about it and let the worlld know how not ok i really am. Im fighting myself from every angle right now and have no hope of winning. Is it ok to feel that way? Am i alllowed as a person to want to do that, to be angry, to be broken first? I feel like the world wants me to learn to be a better person but wont let me hurt. Ive spen my whole life hiding the hurt. I need to let it out!!!

Thank for your support and sorry if this is all too much, i reay dont have any other way to express mysef at the moment.

Am i the only one rejection consume

Boobella — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 05:46:49 GMT

Ritchie, your words sound a lot like my own inner voice. I feel your pain. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth it. It's really hard to work through the shit that was done to us as a child. I just finished a wonderful course for survivors, and it helped me immensely. I bet there's one somewhere near you. I found it when I spoke with victims services NSW.

Speaking for myself, the problem is once you finish the course, counselling, support etc, you're stuck with yourself. And sometimes it's very hard to love yourself. Just take it one day at a time and you do what's right for you (obviously providing it doesn't harm anyone else). And for my two cents - don't give up if you don't like the first counsellor, keep trying. It took me about 20 before I found one I felt I could trust and get the support I needed (and even then, I still sabotage myself. A lifetime of avoidance has to have some ongoing impacts.)

Depending on what state and access you have, you may be eligible for victim's support, which can cover the cost of the counselling you need to help you work out how you want to live the rest of your life.

Am i the only one rejection consume

GimZim — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 05:59:15 GMT

Boobella said:
And for my two cents - don't give up if you don't like the first counsellor, keep trying. It took me about 20 before I found one I felt I could trust and get the support I needed

This has been my experience too. I saw a doctor and asked to be referred to a psychiatrist, particularly one that deals with trauma if that was possible. I was very lucky that my psychiatrist is fantastic. He was adamant that if I didn't feel comfortable with the first psychologist he sent me to to come straight back and ask to see another one, even went so far as to say he would "break up" with the psychologist for me if I was too uncomfortable.

I had a good psychologist who went on maternity leave but the one covering her made me feel very uncomfortable. I had to wait a bit before I could see someone else but she's been invaluable. It can be really difficult to find the right one but it's worth the trouble. And if there's anything you feel would make you more comfortable (say, seeing a male psychologist) let your doctor know.

My first psychiatry session was basically a breakdown where I blurted out all my experiences while he occasionally asked questions so I definitely get where you're coming from, Richie. After a lifetime of bottling it's bound to happen, you might feel a weight lifted after, I certainly did.

Am i the only one rejection consume

Richie01 — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 10:12:44 GMT

I’d say it’s a relief to hear someone else has the same inner voice but it shouldn’t be a relief, no one deserves this voice. But it does have some sentiment to it to know I’m not alone in my emotions.
I think I agree completely with the self sabotage comment. It’s probably the most consistent trait I have. To succeed gives hope, to think you can succeed is more dangerous because when I don’t, it’s just another scar to carry. People can see the other scars, they think they are bad, if they only knew how much relief they gave at the time.... if they knew what I put myself through every day.. anyway, that’s me, I do that because I don’t know any other way, I dont physically hurt myself any more. It’s too hard to hide. But I can feel it is something that could be creeping back, I just need something, anything to stop my mind from doing what it does best. That’s life 🙂

I don’t need a handout, im ok financially, I’m surprised how well I’ve been able to do. I actually find it to be the one place where I can function. I feel wanted or needed here, it kind of makes a difference even if it is just as a number on the payroll. I’m worried I’m going to screw it up tho, I can’t shut off what’s going on and it’s really starting to take a toll on my work life. I work away, only have a week till I go home, well not home, that’s gone but back to normal life I guess. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m actually starting to panic a bit at the thought of it to be honest.
sorry if I keep rambling on. I don’t know how this forum is supposed to work. I’m probably doing it wrong, am I? Sorry if I am, I just don’t know how else to talk about all of this, now I’m panicking that I’m screwing this up too. I should stop making my problems everyone else’s. It’s no one else’s problem. I’m being too open but I can’t stop. I hate who I am. I hate everything about me. My kids are the only good part of me. They deserve so much more.

Am i the only one rejection consume

Sophie_M — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 10:56:42 GMT

Hi Richie01,

Thanks for reaching out. You're doing the forums 'right' if you ask us. Please don't feel that you are screwing this up, you're not. These forums are for people to reach out to each other and seek and offer support. You're in need of support right now, so we are all here for you. We are also reaching out to you privately to offer you some extra support.

We're so sorry to hear that you hate everything about yourself at the moment. We think that you are so strong with everything that you have come through. We also think you're a sensitive and caring person. It's wonderful to hear how much you love your kids and we're sure that you're a great parent and that you do your best.

Please know there is always help available to you Richie. You can call Beyond Blue and speak to a counsellor anytime from anywhere within Australia on 1300 22 4636. You might also like to reach out to our friends at MensLine (also available 24/7) on 1300 78 99 78.

Please do keep checking back in with us here to let us know how you're doing whenever you feel up to it.