topic New - Here to meet new people in PTSD and trauma

New - Here to meet new people

Amy_J — Mon, 03 Jun 2019 05:39:37 GMT

Hi all,

I am not quite sure what I am looking to find on here, but thought it might be nice to get to talk to other people in similar situations.

I am a 28yo female. I have been suffering from mental health issues for a very long time now, having times where everything seems fine, then having very low episodes that just seem to come out of no where.

My mother died of cancer when I was 12. I watched her deteriorate over a period of twelve months, and sat with her and watched her take her last breath. This is what led to my PTSD.

I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety and depression from that point in my life. At 18yo, my boss at the time, attempted to rape me. I fortunately got away from the situation before it progressed too far.

Later on in that year, I came out to my friends and family as a lesbian. I lost around 90% of my friends because of this, and family took quite a while to come around and accept me as who I am. My family are great with it now, and I have made some new friends who accept me.

I have recently been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries and endometriosis and have been dealing with immense pains that have been affecting my day to day life.

I have a lovely girlfriend who I know loves me, but I keep shutting her out because I don’t know if I can truly open up to her. She doesn’t seem to ever be affected by emotions, and doesn’t have much empathy for things she hasn’t experienced, so it’s hard to explain things to her.

I am currently in a really low state of mind, and I just can’t figure it all out. My girlfriend keeps just saying that it must all be because my hormones are playing up. But honestly, I just feel really depressed and alone.

New - Here to meet new people

Soberlicious96 — Mon, 03 Jun 2019 10:38:05 GMT

Dear Amy J,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out and sharing your story with us.

I can tell you that I know what it feels like to lose your Mum to Cancer. I lost my Mum to cancer 7 years ago ..... and I too was raped when I was 17.

I also lost a bunch of friends when I was 26, but for a very different reason. I got sober. Until then I thought I had many 'friends' but they were really just drinking companions, and as soon as the 'chips were down' they all dropped me like a hot potato. True though I had been quite nasty in a lot of ways to a lot of people in my drinking, but I was working hard to get myself right again and there were a number of people who thought of me, and even told me that they thought I was 'weird' or a 'woos' for not drinking with them any more. I wasn't getting sober to 'get back at them' in any way, I was getting sober because I needed to! The only ones who were there to support me, were those who were also in recovery from alcoholism. It took even my family a good few years to start trusting me again. Anyway, like I said, it's a very different scenario than coming out as a lesbian .... but I guess it goes to show that a lot of people don't like to have their version of reality 'rocked' when it doesn't suit the mold they have of you in their mind. Even to this day (I've been sober for 22 years now) my oldest sister and other people say to me, or ask me why I still bother 'going to those meetings?' I say that I go because they are 'my people'. They understand me in ways that non-alcoholics and non-addicts never will. And they don't try to make me 'fit in' where I don't belong.

It's great too that you have someone who loves you and accepts you, even if she doesn't understand every little thing about you. Maybe you could consider some counseling to help you deal with the attempted rape, and the grief of losing your Mum? It might help to talk to someone who is not so close to you emotionally, and who can provide you with insight and some better coping strategies with your depression and PTSD, yeah?

In the meantime, enjoy the new friends you are making, because at the end of the day, as someone once said to me; "Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind."

I hope that helps at least a little. I must go now because I'm running out of room!

Take care. I'll be thinking of you.

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Birdy77 — Mon, 03 Jun 2019 10:48:41 GMT

Dear Amy,

I am joining Soberlicious to say welcome and to assure you that even though you feel alone, you are not.

We are all here, we understand, we get what it's like living with depression, anxiety, PTSD, grief, loss and other things.

You will always be welcome here and you will always have someone to talk to and who will care.

I understand exactly what it's like to have periods of feeling like you're in control of life, and then going right down to the depths of it. That sums up what it is like for me too.

I'm glad you have your partner, and although you have different experiences with emotions, she loves you and is on your side, which is a huge bonus in life. I am lucky enough to have a beautiful mrs as well, but having support here is different, as she does not have the same issues I have with depression, anxiety etc.

You are so welcome here and I'm glad you've joined.

Take gentle care of yourself.

🌻birdy

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bluehorseshoes — Tue, 04 Jun 2019 06:00:51 GMT

Hi Amy,

I hope like me you're finding that it's alright here. It's actually pretty nice. Now that I've "stabilized" somewhat from the height of my anxiety last year and medication has helped my impulse control and allowed me to sober up (hey Soberlicious), I like using the forums to help others/compare notes and catch up with new people - check out the BB café thread for the lighter side of things.

Can't imagine what it must have been like for you and Soberlicious to watch your Mum suffer. I'm sorry for that. And the abuse you had to escape from someone you should have been able to trust. What a piece of pondscum. I finally got away from my father and his abuse but the anger has stayed with me.

This forum is very useful for empathy that may be lacking in your life. Like with your partner, my family doesn't really feel emotions intensely or acknowledge feelings of loss/hopelessness. Scares them too much. They tell me to "buck up" so I feel I can't show any of that to them - like you I hide it. But they are great in other ways, and someone told me that you can't expect to get 100% of your needs met from any one person - so for the other 20% I come here. And I hope you will continue to too 🙂

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Amy_J — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 07:54:52 GMT

Hi Soberlicious96,

Thank you for messaging me, and for sharing your experiences. I am sorry you had to go through those things too. At least now we know that those friends that we had in the past, were never really true friends.

I am contemplating trying to find myself a new counsellor.. what I’d really like to try find is a support group that I could meet up with. So that I could see new people and make new friends face to face who aren’t scared or judgmental about talking about all of these things.

Have you ever been to something like this?

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Amy_J — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 08:00:53 GMT

Hi Birdy77,

Thank you for your lovely welcome message.

It has taken me such a long time to come on to a website and forum like this. But it is so nice to hear from other people that understand the feelings I am going through. How some days you can just wake up, and feel terrible, numb, and anxious, and just not know how to explain that to someone.

So thank you for being there and sharing with me

New - Here to meet new people

Amy_J — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 08:07:45 GMT

Hi bluehorseshoes,

Thank you for your message.

I am sorry to hear that you had those experiences with your father, but I am glad that you managed to get away from him.

It has been so hard for me to come to terms with that it is okay for me to come on to a forum like this and share my feelings. I’ve always felt as though I need to keep my negative feelings to myself. Because any time I’ve ever tried to explain anything to a partner, they’ve never understood, and have always gone about things the wrong way and made things worse, leading me to distancing myself and ending relationships.

Thank you for your comment of saying how you can’t expect 100% from any one person. It has made me feel as though it’s okay for me to come on here and share my thoughts and feelings.. so thank you deeply

New - Here to meet new people

Soberlicious96 — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 12:48:42 GMT

Hi Amy J,

Yes, I have been to a few different support groups, but for me, the best of all is AA - Alcoholics Anonymous. It is tailor made for me and I fit right in with all the other 'sober weirdos'! And I can call them that, because we all have this happy friendly banter between us, and we all get what it's like to feel as though you're 'different' .... in fact, feeling different is the one thing that kind of makes us all the same! Even if the detail varies, it's that feeling that we all have in common.

Perhaps you could check out this part of the Beyond Blue site, a Space for peer support and discussion of depression, anxiety and other issues affecting lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex people.:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/sexuality-and-gender-identity

There you will find people you have things in common with, people who understand you and encourage you in your journey.

Of course if you are after a face-to-face support group, I would recommend starting your search for that maybe at your local community centre? Because obviously, if you're not a (recovered) alcoholic like me, then AA is probably not what you're looking for?!

Of course that may depend also on where you live, and what is available in your area.

Sometimes online is the only option ..... it was for me for one particular issue. See, I was married (for 12 years, with him for 14 years) to a man whom I believe had/has Aspergers Syndrome, and I found a support group on Facebook, of all things, to be an immense help to me at that time. ..... the only support groups were in the big cities, and I don't live in a big city. I'm kind of rural. Anyway, notice I said 'was' married. Sadly I am now divorced from that man. He was not a bad guy, he was just completely unable to connect with me in an emotionally intimate way, or to provide empathy, and he struggled sometimes socially ..... anyway, you get the idea. I felt desperate at times to be understood, and if it weren't for that Facebook Group, I don't think I would have got through to where I am today.

Anyway, I am running out of room (again!) so I better stop yabbering on soon!

I hope you find the support you're looking for, whether it's here on BB or somewhere else. You, me, and all of us deserve to be loved and respected. You're welcome here any time. xo

New - Here to meet new people

Soberlicious96 — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 12:51:15 GMT

And just one more, there's also this page;

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/lesbian-gay-bi-trans-and-intersex-lgbti-people/helpful-contacts-and-websites

And now I'll shutup! 🙂

New - Here to meet new people

bluehorseshoes — Thu, 06 Jun 2019 01:47:26 GMT

Hey Amy,

I hope things are going a bit better for you today. I know what you mean about how even sharing here is a big step. I was embarrassed at first, and also paranoid (which happens when I'm anxious) and guilty about feeling down - like something's wrong with even having the feeling. Sometimes I just come on and it's helpful to read other people stories as it connects you to a community and you can learn and realise what you've achieved.

For example it is a positive to see that in yourself, you have realized that sometimes you might have a pattern of distancing yourself and ending relationships because of a partner's lack of understanding. Very understandable. It doesn't mean you have to stop doing this, or that it's wrong and anyone's fault, but having an increased awareness of behaviours and observing yourself like that is very powerful. It can help you to cope and being able to objectively observe yourself is important in managing disorders like anxiety/dep.

In my case, observing how I'm feeling now (job search anxiety) helps me to learn to accept my stress and have more self compassion which I've struggled endlessly with.

Thanks for being so open with your story 🙂

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Amy_J — Fri, 07 Jun 2019 00:36:13 GMT

Hi Soberlicious96,

Thank you for sending through those links, and also for sharing your experiences with AA. I think you are right about AA not being for me! But I would like to find something similar in support that could work for me.

This has truly been such a nice way to talk to people too though. So thank you for being there!

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Amy_J — Fri, 07 Jun 2019 00:41:18 GMT

Hi bluehorseshoes,

Thank you for being so understanding!!

It is hard when you have a partner that you want to share everything with, but just can’t! I’ve told my partner that I have joined up to BB so that I can talk to other people. She is okay with this, and doesn’t push to get much information from me about what I’m talking about on here which is nice. But also hard at the same time because now I feel like I have secrets from her..

Hard balance to find I think.

Job searching anxiety is hard too. Especially when you feel like you would be great at a job that you’ve applied for, then get turned down after weeks of waiting without being told why. I understand that stress and anxiety of the unknown. I’m going through the same thing right now too!

Last week I said to myself, when the right job comes I will get it. If I apply for one and I get rejected, it was for a reason.. Hard thing to accept.. but I feel like if I don’t have this view sometimes, it is just too hard!

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Birdy77 — Sat, 08 Jun 2019 04:52:22 GMT

Dear Amy,

I wrote you a message a couple of days ago and then accidentally navigated away from my reply page and lost the whole thing ... it was long, so I was really disappointed - and I can't remember everything I said so I have to start again!

It's really nice to talk on the forums because you can say whatever it is you're feeling and you can know that people here will understand. Sharing our vulnerabilities is experiencing our shared humanity.

The other cool thing is that you can make friends here. Talking here does not mean that you have secrets from your girlfriend. It's like when you talk with a friend, it's ok that your girlfriend isn't always included in the conversation ... we all have to have separate friendships and relationships away from our partners, that is norman and natural, so please do not feel guilty about this. My partner likes hearing about little things I tell her from the forums, but she also encourages me to have this as an outlet of my own and she does not intrude on that.

You are going through a stressful time with job searching too - you have a lot on your plate at the moment.

I wish I could remember what I said in my other message.

Also to reiterate what bluehorsesshoes and soberlicious said, you are very welcome to join in anywhere on the forums, on whatever discussion takes your interest.

I hope you having a nice weekend.

🌻birdy

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bluehorseshoes — Sun, 09 Jun 2019 02:49:59 GMT

Ditto Birdy, re' using this forum without any guilt. I felt the same initially but not anymore. Sometimes when I'm frustrated because my family doesn't fully understand how I'm struggling (and I give up trying to make them get it), it's useful for me to keep in mind that often the only way most people can really understand is if they're dealing with mental health issues themselves. And I wouldn't want my family to experience this... But of course that doesn't excuse any insensitive behavior.

Thank you Amy for sharing about your job search anxiety. I definitely can relate to your perspective of trying to look at it as though - if it's meant to be then you will get it. This is helpful. How do you decide what roles to apply for? Obviously you go for ones you're qualified for and have a shot at getting with your experience/skills, but lately I've also been visualizing myself in the role plus paying very close attention to what the responsibilities will be, to know whether or not I'd really be glad to hear back from a particular employer or if it's just applying for the sake of it. I really want my next role to be fulfilling and use my skills not just another job but feel like it could be a career.

Hope you hear back from an application soon - Bluey

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TheOwl — Mon, 10 Jun 2019 18:24:37 GMT

Hey Amy, I get you. This is my first post. I saw yours and it resonated with the way I’m feeling at the moment.

One thing I can say is that seeking help and writing about this stuff is sometimes hard, but it works. And you’ve had a crazy life like me, but you’re still in there waiting to be happy. And that’s a good thing.

I have no idea what you must feel like but I’m up right now at 4 am and writing this because I can’t sleep. My partner is in another suburb with my kids. I’ve left because my triggers needed attention.

The PTSD thing took me by surprise like it does for most I guess. And I’ve just been diagnosed with complex PTSD. Today I finally realised how much work is in front of me. It’s going to be tough.

No one could ever understand what one has to go through to get this type of disorder. I see it as a blackness, a kind of mass that needs blasting apart so I can see what’s inside. Only then will I be able to put it under a microscope and focus in on it.

I’ve been feeling worse over the weekend. My wife has stopped talking to me because shes sick of hearing about it. That’s my take anyway. When I told her that I was told I had a form of complex PTSD which involved sexual humiliation, she proceeded to to tell me that I could never laugh at myself so it made sense.

My father killed my step mother. I was beat to a pulp in my childhood. But I know deep down that I’m a alright bloke because I’m recognising this. I think a lot of my family had this and they never saw it. It’s really sad. I actually think that fighting it isn’t good. I’m trying to break up with it. Like a bad relationship or something. I’ll love you but I’m not going to do that anymore. We have to find a new way.

It’s hard Amy. I can’t tell you how to feel or what to do, because I don’t know either! But what works for is to find people who do care and surround yourself with those people. They’ll listen along with a good therapist.

This weekend was hard for me, then I read a quote about how I can only control the present because anxiety is what happens when you live in the future.

Good luck Amy. I hope you find peace.

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Amy_J — Wed, 26 Jun 2019 05:35:53 GMT

Hi TheOwl,

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry it took me so long to see it!! My depression has really been playing with me and I haven’t brought myself to look online until now.

You have had a crazy start to your life.. I think you are so strong to have gotten yourself to where you are. And for sharing your story.

I hope coming on here is able to help you. We are all here to listen and help each other!!