topic Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately in PTSD and trauma

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 00:32:32 GMT

I'm not really sure where to post but I am really hoping for some advice.

ve been on anxiety and depression medication for around 5 years now and have experienced anxiety, depression, and PTSD my entire life after experiencing quite a traumatic and neglectful childhood and some of my teenage years being homeless.

I don't really have any friends due to moving around a lot and constant upheaval of my life repeatedly over the last 10-12 years. I don't really have a family either. I tend to keep to myself and am scared of pretty much everything and anything.

I'm 27 years old and I have a very reliant fiance, 2 stepdaughters who come on weekends (they live with their birth mother, during the week), a very stressful full-time job, and to top it all off I am also studying a bachelor degree online.

y partner is heavily reliant on me - I have to drive him and his kids around, and although we get paid virtually the same ammount, I always end up paying for the majority of our living expenses.

am that person who is literally expected to do everything for everyone, and not only do my efforts go unacknowledge and unappreciated, but when I need time or money or ANYTHING for myself, it is deemed totally unacceptable.

I recently had to start seeing a new psychologist and gosh, it felt horrible having to recount everything and basically start all over again.

These past 4 months I have experienced a serious decline in my mental health, my mood, my approach to life. I just don't feel like me, it feels like all the life has been sucked out of me and I just can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give.

have spoken to my partner because my hope for next year is to drop some days at work so instead of working a 40+ hour working week, I would work part-time and have more time for myself and to study. He flat out said no and told me if i only want to work a few days a week I should move back in with my parents (knowing full well I have been unable to live with my family since they kicked me out of home when I was 15 years old) 😞

I am not prepared to give up my studies because I am only studying part-time at the moment and I have been putting off completing my degree since I graduated high school in 2010 due to the need to be able to support myself (and everyone else!) financially.

what should I do?

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Mil — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 02:14:41 GMT

Hi loouuiiee,

I'm not a moderator so I hope it's ok to respond. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and there's a community out there that understands how you're feeling. I'm so sorry to read you're going through a turbulent time and it sounds like you've had quite a tough life.

It's great you were able to reach out here and to go back to the psychologist. I can imagine how hard it is to have to start from the beginning again, but I'm glad you have this outlet and I hope it will help you deal with your thoughts and situation. You could maybe ask your psychologist if there are any support groups that would be appropriate for you?

It might be nice to connect with people and maybe find helpful friends. Do you think you could join a group with shared interests (sport team, hobby, study groups... you can look on this website for example: https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/ ) to try and build your own circle? I know that's challenging when you're already very busy though! I'm a bit the same as you in that I tend to forget that making time & room for ourselves is very important, because I feel best when I'm caring for someone. But in my own experience, that can also lead to exhaustion and anxiety - it seems you might be experiencing this too?

I'm very lucky that I have a great partner who encourages me to take time for myself. From what you write, it seems your relationship doesn't provide you with much space to rest. It does not sound fair to me that you carry most of the expenses and chores if your partner earns about the same amount. Is there a way you could discuss this with him in a calm and safe manner? Is he supportive of you emotionnally? You deserve love and care, just like you take care of the ones around you.

Sending warmth and strength your way,

Mil

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Aaronsis — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 02:32:06 GMT

Hi loouuiiee and a big hello to you too Mil

I just wanted to acknowledge your post Mil and say you are so very welcome to support people as you feel you can, the way that you have reached out to loouuiiee is so wonderful and caring and there really is not a lot for me to add either. We are all here together and don't let the badges bluff you, we are all just people too, who have been brought here by hardship, or pain, or grief, or just the need to reach out and help a fellow human.

You sure do have alot on your plate loouuiiee and I am so proud of you for reaching out here, it is so wonderful that you are taking on some studies to better yourself and it is really hurtful for someone to feel that they can put limitations on your working V's studying when you are both contributing to the house, infact when you are contributing more to the house.

I no the feeling of having to retell a tale and having the pain come all back up again like some kind of reflux, it really is horrible, but hopefully it is all for a great outcome in that you can build a good relationship with your therapist and get some really great results for you, wishing you all the very best there.

You do need to have some things in life that make you happy and you should not have to feel like you have to "ask" permission to do so, these are red flags in a relationship when you are not encouraged to do things you enjoy and are not encouraged to grow.

I hope to chat to you some more and it is so brave of you to speak out loouuiiee, hugs to you.

Big hugs to you too Mil, you are so very caring and supportive, you are valued here.

Hugs

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Mil — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 04:01:20 GMT

Thanks very much for your kind words Aaronsis. This forum has helped me (still does) and if I can do the same for others, that would be pretty cool. Like a wholesome circle 🙂

loouuiiee, we're here if you wish to talk further. Thinking of you!

Best to you two,

Mil

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 05:42:18 GMT

Unfortunately my partner has not been very supportive, emotionally or in any other way for the last couple of years.
years ago (when we were in our late teens/early twenties) he was there for me through some tough times, and since then he has come in and out of my life as a romantic partner several times.
The fact that he has gone and then come back makes me wary that he is comfortable with using me for whenever it suits him, but it also makes him the closest thing I have to an old friend.before he came along I had felt alone my entire life.
And he knows me and my story very well... meeting new people I feel like there is a giant elephant in the room because I have been through some crazy stuff for someone who is only 27 years old, and I just don’t feel like a ‘normal’ 27 year old at all 😕

finding time to do anything for myself is the biggest battle!

Between my full time job, my partner and his kid I am lucky to find time to complete my studies.
I have looked in to community groups for people to meet up who also have anxiety and depression. I’d love to be able to attend but the timing always seem to clash with my work commitments or whatever I’m expected to do in regards to my fiancé and his kid.
But it is a goal of mine to push for time to do things which are important to me.

If I don’t do what my partner wants I’m pretty sure he will either leave, or pressure me in to leaving.
it scares me the thought of having to go it alone in life again.
I barely made it through the last time and I had a lot more determination and drive in me back then.

I think all my fighting spirit has been sapped out of me over the years

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Mil — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 00:46:10 GMT

Hey loouuiiee,

Sorry for the late answer, things have been a bit frantic over here.

I can hear (well, read) how tired you are, and it must be so difficult just keeping up with everything that a drastic change seems like it's just too much, especially if you don't have much support 😞

How about gradual changes though? You could start with focusing on your goal to find time for yourself, your studies, your projects, your hobbies... I'm glad you've resolved to push for this because you so deserve it. My hope is that it will help resplenish your strength and confidence, then maybe other gradual goals will seem less hard. And either your partner steps up and evolves with you, or maybe he doesn't and you'll find you are better off without him. Because right now it doesn't seem like he's doing right by you, but I understand you know each other so well and there's history, so it's not that easy.

I've found making new friends can be quite hard once you're not in uni anymore, and I understand what you mean with the elephant in the room. Maybe support groups would be good for this, because you'll meet people who also have been through some difficult things and might feel a bit like you do?

Let us know how you're going and if you manage to make it to a session!

Also, I'm just curious - what are you studying? There might be study groups around you?

Cheers,

Mil

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Sun, 22 Dec 2019 02:18:32 GMT

Thanks for your reply Mil

I am studying the bachelor of early childhood and primary education and I work full time in long day care (9-10 hour shifts each week day).
things have been hectic over the last few weeks with winding up at work and getting ready for the ‘festive season’ 😕 what a nightmare it has been!

im relieved to say I have 3 weeks of annual leave ahead of me, however the slower pace of my holidays only started yesterday and it’s left my head spinning.

See my workplace has asked me to step up for next year, I reluctantly said yes because if I don’t step up there is not really any position for me to go to there.
they need someone to step up and the only person really qualified or able to is me.
I have also been offered a job elsewhere which is part time and a bit of an easier role.
The reduction in working hours would give me time for myself but that means I would be earning HALF of what I earn now ... and financially would be reliant on my fiancé.

ive done the maths and, should I take this new job opportunity, I could still contribute evenly to our expenses and I would be able pay my equal share. But I would not be able to pay MORE than my half (which is often what I do).
Ive tried to have conversations and discuss my options with him. Like always, i can’t get a straight answer or an in depth conversation out of him.
I am terrified to not be completely financially independent because last time I was in that position I wound up homeless.
I am also terrified of burning myself out even more than what I already am.

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

littleboots — Sun, 22 Dec 2019 05:45:12 GMT

Hey loouuiiee I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I just wanted to send you some support and I hope that whatever decision you do make, it will feel right for you.

Burning out is a big problem and being told you are the only one - whilst sounding super good, is also a little manipulative. Maybe they didn't mean to manipulate but it's certainly creating a problem for you. Saying no for your own health isn't popular amongst management but it is necessary. Sometimes being indispensable comes at a terrible cost don't let it be too much.

You mentioned how your partner isn't enthusiastic about talking money. I wonder if you could make an appointment with a financial counsellor or similar and take the budget to them with your partner!! Then you are in an office, having a dedicated appointment about finances with someone who is qualified to steer the conversation into this area and keep it there.

You could run both wage scenarios past the counsellor with various models of what your own expenses are and what you normally end up paying. It may take some of the stress out of making the decision about which job to take. T

here may also be other financial goals that you have too and they can be explored or you could back the appointment up and go away to do some homework and return with more info.

I don't know if that helps at all but I understand the apathy that some people view this sort of subject with and I also understand how being reliant on another person can be terrifying especially if they're not especially motivated. And yeah being homeless is simply no place to end up.

Whatever you decide to do try to remember what your limitations are and keep an eye on the warning signs. Take good care of yourself because working with young children is highly stressful and I tip my hat to you for doing such a important job.

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Sun, 22 Dec 2019 22:33:15 GMT

Thankyou littleboots

the thought of returning to my workplace after my annual leave is over terrifies me.
I know it’s going to be so full on and stressful.
& if I decide to resign i am not going to be in anyone’s good books to put it lightly.

we are financially able to survive on just one of our wages.
I am very good at managing money having lived alone for most of my life and had to support myself solely for most of it.
we both earn very similar amounts. The issue is that I am willing to budget and make sacrifices where he is not willing to do that.
without both incomes we will not be able to afford the luxuries he enjoys and he has made it clear he does not want that.

Also, if I continue down the road of full time employment, study and primary caretaker of our household (including caring for and driving him and his kid around because he does not have a license and can not do that) I know my physical and emotional burnout will worsen and something will have to give.i won’t physically or mentally be able to sustain what I’m currently doing for much longer. I have been telling him this for over 6 months but he just ignores any kind of conversation about it.

or he threatens to leave and move back in with his mum saying that if things are ‘too hard’ that he might as well leave. Which I always reply by saying ‘things are too hard at the moment, which is why I need you to HELP me’.

he relies on me so much.
but it feels like it’s not ok for me to rely on him!

Nobody has my back or my best interests at heart, which is heartbreaking because we are engaged and suppose to be life partners 😞

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Mil — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 01:29:51 GMT

Hey loouuiiee,

It sounds like you're really in a tough spot and feeling like you're all alone in this, which is a heavy burden. So adding the stress of your work "pickle", I have no doubt you're already feeling burnt out. Working with children is indeed very rewarding but absolutely exhausting. Incidentally, that's what aiming to do too! Yay for passionate carers and educators!

I like littleboots's idea of taking this to a third party, preferably a professional or someone your partner trusts/respects (but who you know to be responsible) to make him move from his apathetic stance. It is simply not fair to you and really you should be the one threatening to leave, not him. You know how to budget and survive when it sounds like he would just go back to his mum to be reliant on her. That doesn't reflect very well on him. I know if you are with him, there must be some good in his personnality, so I can understand trying to appeal to this side of him first, and maybe if you can make him understand he will make an effort. But we also have to see when it's not working out and when the relationship takes too much of a toll on you. You deserve someone who supports you, and I know it really hurts when your chosen partner doesn't, and I'm sorry.

Workwise, only you can know how much is too much I guess, but I would say your mental health and financial security are equally important and both must be secured (as much as possible). I agree with littleboots, sounds like your work is putting a lot of pressure on you, which isn't good when you already have enough stress factors. How do you feel about your work managers? Anyone you trust there? Could you disclose a bit of your situation and see if you can come to an arrangement or is that out of question?

In my case, planning and writing things down (lists, pros&cons...) helps me reduce anxiety. Sounds like you have your head on your shoulders, so you could try planning and budgeting for different scenarios: taking on more responsibilities at current job/accepting other job and focusing on your studies/budgeting for 2/budgeting for yourself only, etc. Maybe you could even present that to your psychologist and review your options with him/her? I would hope your boyfriend would revise his position if he sees you seriously planning for your own future, possibly without him. If he doesn't, well, you'll be prepared.

Does this sound ok or am I talking out of my ... you know where? 🙂

Much love and strength to you!

Mil

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Paw Prints — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 01:40:09 GMT

Hello loouuiiee,

You asked the question "what should I do?"

You answered it yourself with one single sentence "i won’t physically or mentally be able to sustain what I’m currently doing for much longer. " You know deep down that things need to change.

"Nobody has my back or my best interests at heart, which is heartbreaking because we are engaged and suppose to be life partners :("

Put yourself 1st. You deserve to be treated with kindness & respect. To have your needs & wishes listened to & validated by those around you is not asking for special treatment, it is a basic right.

You mentioned that you would be able to survive on one wage. That means you could survive on your wage alone. You would also have less expenses & more time for you if you are no longer being his chauffeur, carer, housekeeper etc. I think you may be surprised if you sit down & work out just how much time you spend on things because of him. That extra 15 minutes here, 1/2 hour there can add up to quite a lot over time. Time you could spend on you.

I understand the thought of going it alone is scary, ultimately it's your life, your choices. Only you can decide which path is best for you.

Be kind to yourself

Paws

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 08:23:01 GMT

mil & paws, Thankyou ❤️ I really appreciate everyone’s advice and supportive words.

I have created plans for every scenario; I can survive on my own (with or without him) if I keep my full time job - I can pay the entire rent, bills, food and car expenses myself. However, the thought of being alone terrifies me and I feel it would be such a drastic change it would take a long time for me adjust and I would seriously struggle in all aspects of life during that adjustment period. It just feels to scary and to foreign to even think about without getting worked up and feeling some extreme anxiety.

Working full time allows me complete financial independence. But it is a 40+ hour working week which is totally non-negotiable. The hours are set and the responsibilities as of next year are extensive.
it’s not very flexible in terms of working around my study commitments or having time for myself. My coworkers tend to stab eachother in the back and the management team are horrible, awful people. I know that sounds harsh, but I’ve seen people get treated so poorly by management. Sadly they do not care about their workers, we are just their to do a job like robots.

If I take on the other role which is less pay and less hours I will not be able to be fully independent. In that scenario I could pay for half the household expenses; rent, bills, food & car expenses, meaning I would be reliant on my fiancé to pay the other half.

i gave him an ultimatum 5 months ago - he needs to get his license and stop relying on me so much by the end of this year. I don’t want to leave - I thought it would scare him in to action ... but clearly it hasn’t!

a part of me feels like if he is forcing the responsibility of being taxi driver on me and cutting in to my study time and time I should be spending on my own self care, then I have every right to work less and earn less and therefore we will be left in the situation where it holds him accountable for his share of our expenses. more often than not he likes to spend his money on his hobbies and little luxuries and I tend to foot the bill for our expenses.
if I can’t do that he will have no choice but to be responsible for his share of the finances.

however, forcing him to be accountable in this way could backfire on me if he decides to up and leave because he has a place to go to (his mums) where I do not... 😕

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Paw Prints — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 11:45:38 GMT

Hello Loouuiiee,

I've been trying to think of other options for you, if your partner refuses to meet you half way. Just a thought, but have you considered the option of renting with someone just as a flat mate (to share the expenses with) if you were to find yourself alone. I realise that sharing with a stranger may be a daunting idea and you may not be comfortable advertising for a flat mate or responding to an ad. One way around that could be to consider sharing with a woman who is currently homeless. You could speak with the local homeless/women's services in your area, they may be able to match you with a woman who is homeless simply because she could not afford to rent by herself. This may be a way for you to take the less demanding job & still have a roof over your head.

Paws

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 23:49:46 GMT

Thanks Paws,

that is a helpful suggestion.
the idea does terrify me as I tried having a housemate a few years ago when I was struggling living on my own. The girl was a friend of a friend and I didn’t realise until after she had moved in that she was a drug addict and a complete psychopath 😕 she didn’t pay a cent and she lived with me for 2 months. She would come and go at all hours of the day and night and bring all her friends over to take drugs in my house. She was physically violent and would go into these crazy spells where she would threaten to kill me. I was scared to leave my room the entire time she was living with me and I ended up having to get a restraining order against her.
that experience has made me very withdrawn and wary (if not flat out scared) of all people I do not know.
but I would be willing to give the housemate thing another try if I found a good person to share with.
I would need to make sure the person is the right person and not a friend of a friend but like you said, recommended from a place that knows the person quite well & can vouch for them. having strategies and back up plans in my head makes me feel a lot more in control in a situation that makes me feel powerless

Thankyou for helping me come up with a plan B 🙂 I really appreciate it ❤️

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 02:06:12 GMT

I feel like, the way things are going, I really just need to make a decision ASAP. Either I stay at my current workplace or I take a chance on the new role. Because the uncertainty and the anxiety and stress it brings with it is totally consuming me right now.
I literally can’t think of anything else!! and I’m on annual leave, so I’m out of my usual routine, and the amount of stress and anxiety I am experiencing because I am CONSTANTLY mulling over my options and going back and forth over everything in my head is causing me to not be able to function properly. As much as I hate that I’ve had to change to a new psychologist (after having the same one for over a year), and that I’ve only seen the new psychologist once so far (and it was a far from pleasant experience!) maybe I really need to book in to see someone again soon ... 😕

I am totally obsessed with trying to decide what I’m going to do about my dilemma and what plan of action to take. I feel like my worrying and obsessing over it is completely consuming me to a point it is not healthy - I’m talking changed eating and sleeping patterns, feelings that nothing else is as urgent (including participating in the Christmas season and working on my uni work) 😕

my life has been a series of ups & downs; things are unstable and crazy and stressful whilst I grapple to find some kind of stability and make sense of things, then I settle in and get complacent for a while, then I start to strive for some kind of self improvement or goal I want to work towards, something always either goes wrong or needs to change and then I go back to the instability stage again.
problems always lye in the instability stage because I get stressed out ... & I have very little in the way of a support network atm!

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Paw Prints — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 06:12:01 GMT

Hello Loouuiiee,

I & I'm sure others are here for you. If you want to bounce idea's or talk about something completely different to give yourself a break from the thoughts, whatever works for you.

In the time between now & when you can get in to see your Psych, may I suggest you call one of the help lines. BB's No is 1300 224 636 . They are very good & avail 24/7. Just having someone to listen/reply in real time can be helpful. Sometimes just being able to speak our thoughts out loud to someone, can help quiet them to a manageable level. They would also be able to put you in touch with services in your area.

Take care

Paws

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 22:35:19 GMT

Thankyou 🙂 the support and feelings of understanding I receive here are such a blessing.

im lucky I have a couple of weeks to figure out what I want to do & the best plan of action to take.
Im going to keep trying to talk to my partner and get his point of view on the situation. He can’t ignore things forever & if he wants to be in this relationship I think we really need to start working as a team because it’s just no good for me the way things are at the moment. I’ll keep you posted.

wishing you all a safe and restful day today 🙂 ❤️

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

Mil — Thu, 02 Jan 2020 04:01:47 GMT

Hey loouuiiee,

I'm so sorry you're having such a stressful time. I hope you were able to get a bit of a breather here and there. I know this time of year can already be difficult by itself. How are you going?

I know the thought of being alone is very scary, but not being in a relationship doesn't have to mean being alone. A housemate is a great idea, but it is true it can also be a nightmare if they are not a good person or just not "compatible" with you. Prior to moving in with my partner, I always lived in big shared houses and I found that was what worked best for me, economically and socially: it provided me with a community. Sure it's a bit chaotic and loud, but it also meant there were always people around to talk to or go exploring with, while still having my own room for quiet and privacy. I find it also puts less pressure on inter-personal relationships than in a situation with only 1 or 2 housemates: if you don't quite click with someone, there are other people to connect with and even if there are conflicts, the other housemates can act as buffers or peacemakers. But that's me, I know some people hate it. Just a thing to consider for yourself maybe. You do have to find quality people though, which takes time. I have gained a bit of experience in the art of "looking for a good houseshare" and can help you with that if you would like! Or even research if there any social services/structures/associations around you that could provide some support.

It sounds like your full time job is pretty awful to you. It pays the bills, but probably isn't sustainable in the long term? How does the other position (the part-time one) look like in terms of working environment? If it looks better than your current one, and if you haven't already, you could ask if there's any chance you could start with a full-time position while you find a solution that would allow you to work part-time?

I was very glad to read "He can’t ignore things forever & if he wants to be in this relationship I think we really need to start working as a team because it’s just no good for me the way things are at the moment." I agree 100%. He might be taking advantage of the fact he knows he can go back to his mum while you don't. But you are not powerless, you're extremely resilient and can plan ahead, so this time if he doesn't act on your ultimatum, maybe you can.

All the best for 2020, you got this!

Mil

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

OOTF75 — Tue, 07 Jan 2020 10:38:45 GMT

For me it was trying to stop finding THE SOLUTION as with many of us there are so many layers of good experiences that have over time become ‘off’ due to a withering core that we never knew existed (think like an onion).

Try to think of yourself as having an inner child or teen within your still- that vulnerable person at the time who doesn’t have the adult experience and resources to move on and heal. Focus on THAT part of yourself and be that support you never had.

We aren’t responsible for the needs and feelings of other adults. They are there own responsibility.

If you’re in Sydney and identify as CPTSD/PTSD there is a Meet Up group that is for online support. Maybe reach out - you might find some ppl on here already.

Best of luck and let us know how you go

Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

loouuiiee — Wed, 08 Jan 2020 10:02:52 GMT

Hi Mil & OOTF75,

thank you for thinking of me and commenting on my post 🙂

The share house idea sounds promising because, as you said, there would be quite a few people living there and it wouldn't be a huge deal matter if I didn't connect with one of them because it's more of a community atmosphere and the others will help to diffuse the tension a bit. My only fear is my animals will be an issue. I have 3 indoor free-roaming rabbits and a turtle. I could possibly rehome the turtle but my rabbits are like my therapy animals and most days they are my only reason to keep living. I couldn't be without them, they are like my children. Working in childcare and having no biological children of my own. I'm sure you can understand my maternal instinct is strong and I would struggle to work with children if I didn't have my 'fur-babies to tend to when I get home. They are very loved and the only thing that brings me any joy.

Honestly, I still have not made a decision re: the job ... and time is running out.

I had almost made up my mind to take the part-time job and if I can't make ends meet I could look for another job or a second job to make up the extra money ... and then I confided in a family member who talked me out of it.

My fiance was very unimpressed when i told him i was going to take the part time offer and resign from the full time job. He didnt try to convince me otherwise he just has been in a mood with me to demonstrate his level of being unimpressed whilst using as minimal words as possible to demonstrate how he feels. That is very typical of him - giving me the cold shoulder and acting huffy when things aren't working out the way he wants them to.

I really dont want to push myself too far anymore. Something has got to give.

But after the advice I got from my family member im unsure of what i am going to do again 😞

Havent seen my regular psych in over 3 months, been around 2 months since I saw the new one and i have only seen her that one time. Have an appointment booked with the new psych for this weekend and then its decision day Monday -_-