topic Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more. in PTSD and trauma

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 09:31:57 GMT

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

Croix — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 11:22:24 GMT

Dear Laurie~

I'm glad that after hesitating you did post, welcome here, and I'll say first off off that you have had to wait a long time for a response. Please understand that is nothing to do with yourself, or your topic, sadly our system does not always work as we would wish.

It can be very easy to think one is being disregarded, or the problem is one people do not wish to talk about. That is simply not the case. Most of us here have lived though nightmare times and that makes for empathy and understanding. It also means to to talk here is to be heard, and if one person finds they do not have the exact same experience at least they can understand a little, and even that can help.

To have one's baby taken forcibly and adopted is to have a part of one's soul taken too. There is grief, despair, hopelessness and often guilt, or so I would imagine, plus an endless wondering of how the baby is.

May I ask if you have had medical support in those years, and if so did anything help?

I'm somewhat luckier with PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety, from quite a different set of causes, however I'd imagine the symptoms can at least partly coincide with nightmares, sleeplessness, overwhelming regret and distrust to name a few.

Anniversaries are hard to deal with, I still get a couple though as time has gone on my symptoms have become less frequent and less overwhelming and I deal better. Maybe in time when your mind is in the right place to deal with it that date might become clearer.

Could I ask waht is the most troubling thing for you at the moment?

There is one thing I truly admire, you offer support as well as seek it.

Croix (who suspects you can draw flowers rather well)

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

Quercus — Sat, 23 Nov 2019 03:47:23 GMT

Hi Laurie D,

Welcome to the forum family. I'm glad Croix has written to you. He's right saying wanting to share in a long term thread is admirable.

There needs to be a space to discuss adoption. It is such a difficult topic and one that often misses out (not because people don't care but because it can hit too close to home to many).

I couldn't reply till now. Your situation was upsetting to read so I cannot imagine how you have the strength to offer to help others as well.

There are a few members you might like to search to read. One is GGrand and another Splodge. They both discuss the hurt of adoption from their experiences. I also have written about being a child of an adopted parent. It bloody hurts.

I don't have words at the moment but wanted to reply to you and show you I care.

Forced adoption is something in our history I see as truly cruel and evil. I am so sorry you experienced this and yet grateful you're willing to talk about it.

Nat

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Tue, 03 Dec 2019 23:41:34 GMT

Dear Croix 🙂

I'm so pleased I popped back in to see if there's any replies - thank you for your lovely letter :). Loss to adoption is not an easy topic for sure & it's easy for a post to be "buried" so I'd accepted that no reply could happen.

You have correctly identified some of the challenges and your empathy is a treasure. We can indeed compare notes about PTSD etc, which is great for not feeling alone but if there's a miracle cure I'll let you know! It means a lot to know someone who knows what it's like.

Over the years I have been blessed with great help which is rare as few are aware of the consequences of loss to adoption, let alone how to help us. But it came too late, & not for my lack of trying; initial small help 10 years after losing him, then intensive about 20 years after (ie 10 years ago), but only in the last couple of years specific & intensive help for loss to adoption since the govt's apologised & provided help, sort of ;). It's a complex issue to deal with, partly because it's seen as "post" when it isn't all post. I call it Peri TSD because the cause of trauma is current as well as post, and likely to be in the future too. There are times like what you've described when some relief occurs - really glad this happening for you 🙂 - then something else will happen and then off we go again. Exasperating.

Things that have helped... hmm. For me it's been Truth. Neuroplasticity type stuff - insights, REBT/CBT things - which somehow helped "shift" some of the terrifying memories from the wrong part of my brain to the correct memory part. Make sense? Also, learning about Moral Injury & Logotherapy. And now, drugs sigh - anti-depressants & other medication as needed. My last "falling over", the 4th, has felled me. I'm 51yo yet 151yo :). Many speak of resilience in this life experience & I agree, but one too many/long term adversity can deny "bouncing back", so I find endurance more helpful.

It's difficult to share details with a word limit but in essence two things troubles me atm - the endless "shock" of events throughout and being treated as dangerous. The shaming goes to the core of self so REBT is helping reinterpret dynamics in the scenario; grief is unrelenting as this is a "living death" but it's the lies that hurt most. Atm I'm working through beliefs (mine & others) & often think, "Who are YOU to throw stones at ME?!!!"

It's a process. Walking this journey with others is priceless & I think saves lives.

Drawing helps :).

Yours

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 00:47:37 GMT

Hi Nat 🙂

Thank you for your lovely letter. I am grateful & admire you & Croix for replying as this topic is a tricky & volatile one. I feel cared about - thank you :).

My best friend is a child of an adopted person too so my heart goes out to you - it's very tough to live with. Agreed - adoption hits on the deepest levels of humanity & is confronting & challenging, many are unsure of how to deal with it as it's overwhelming on many levels. Stereotypes, disinformation etc hinder an already complex life situation. Many react with the human propensity for believing the Just World Theory in that this creates doubt & the assumption that people lose their child because they must have been "bad", which is sometimes true, but the truth is that most people lost their child because OTHER people were bad.

Anyway, my point is that people who live with such have much to offer I believe; they've confronted the worst & yet live, often without realising how much they know about adversity & suffering, the blood & guts of life etc, thus my belief that supporting each other by sharing our experiences, what gives us strength & hope is absolute gold. Just letting someone know they're not alone is one of the most loving things someone can do - I both need that & see the value in offering it too.

Sadly, forced adoption is quite modern & again on the rise. Heartbreaking stuff. I've been doing a lot of learning & am stunned at how internationally widespread this modern practice of adoption is & the very high degree of forced family separation. Mortifying. I liken it to slavery - it was "normal" in the US for eg, to trade them & their distress minimised & hidden - atrocity made to look "good" & the damage on so many levels is inexplicable & intergenerational. It's tough to say I need help to endure this - I would rather avoid it - but in spite of years of hard yakka to "recover" (pfft) & as I further awaken from the fog & face even deeper, more painful damage in hopes of "being better", if that's possible, I hope to be with others who endure such things too, even if it's not adoption loss related. I posted because some days, some nights (the worst), I just need a word of encouragement - hang on, keep going & so on. Happy to offer that too. Anyway, I'm going on.

Thank for sharing names of other people - awesome! I shall look them up, introduce myself & hang on their every word :). All the very best to you.

Regards

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 00:51:48 GMT

PS 🙂

The flower is the Tea Rose, symbolic for "I will always remember" & is the symbol used in Qld for parents whose children were taken for adoption.

Kind regards

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

Croix — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 14:20:09 GMT

Dear Laurie~

Glad you explained the Tea Rose, I'd not realized.

I'm somewhat luckier than you in that the matters that gave me PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression were work-related and are in the past, unlike you who faces loss of a real part of yourself every day. The closest I get is guilt and horror from before.

I'm older than you and have experienced these things for a very long time. My life is more normal now, nightmares occasional except in times of stress, and I've found ways of avoiding most of the triggers and a medication that actually helps, it is not an A/D. The symptoms are much less.

I've found Talk Therapy the best, having tried many, it does not make things go away, but helps me try for perspective, which maybe the same as saying shifting from one part of the brain to another. I still see a psych fortnightly. I have unearthed a memory last year gone for many years, my psych says I'm now ready to deal with it which is why appeared - um.

There is no 'Just World', the theory is a form of self-justification. That is not to say there is no justice in the world, there are many who in their own small sphere try to be fair and kind. Sadly may of them are in that position becuse of a hard time in life, which very often breeds understanding and compassion.

Night have been something to dread in the past for so long, it left me reading a great deal instead of sleep, which did help in its way, but left me constantly tired. My current meds, taken together with relaxation exercises I was taught (and thought useless) many years in the past have come together and often work. I no longer dread bedtime unless in the middle of an upheaval.

I have little to offer other than saying you are not alone, while each can suffer for different reasons sitting together has its comfort.

Do you have someone who is always there for you?

I do believe you can reach a better state, because I have. That 4th collapse may be the last

You are welcome and can say whatever you need, there is care and understanding to greet you. I think others will draw on you, and that is important.

Croix

I think you are right, it is hte faults of others htat lead to situations like yours, not just faults of overconfidence, superiority and self-satisfaction, but also a profound ignorance of the importance of family life and the fundamental harm done by removing it -to both parent and child. Saying sorry does not cut the mustard, I'm cynical enough to see politics rather than contrition.

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Tue, 10 Dec 2019 02:44:06 GMT

Hi Croix 🙂

Always great to hear from you. Sorry about my delayed reply - I'll never just disappear from in here, unless of course I die or something radical like that! What you say about justice, and about politics not contrition are spot on - good insight there, sir 🙂 as there is much evidence to substantiate your statement. Have you seen Yes Minister & Yes Prime Minister BBC shows? That's how it is for real.

I'm pleased to hear you've had some relief from severity of symptoms. Perhaps things will never totally go away because we're not psychopaths, cos we should be horrified cos we care? I value all the things you've shared - what you offer re my not being alone is not little to me, but of a magnitude which surprises me.

I've been contemplating your letter and if you're happy to, I'd love to keep talking with you about living with traumatic stress injury. That's actually why I first came in here, then had a rough time & posted re my son. I avail myself of good help but it's the living out of all this for which I need someone to walk beside me, or sit together as you say :).

I have met amazing people & I am not alone, except the PTSD. I tried other groups but found a focus more on the challenges rather than towards better outcomes, as you describe, but I don't judge them cos they don't know HOW to be better, poor things. A Vietnam vet where I live agreed to meet with me often but then he got very sick so I left it alone. In '09 a psychologist who'd worked in Iraq with the army diagnosed me with PTSD etc "as bad as a Vietnam Vet". He said incurable. I said a swearword meaning disbelief & disagreement, which was really begging for hope. Ever since I've been fighting to be well, trying everything, & it was only a few months ago I accepted that they might be right. I accept it, with sulking still ;), but still look for help to be better as much as possible. I'll share in a different post something I am dreading for which I hope you will sit with me, that you have experiences to share that might also help me.

I too find that many who've had it rough in life have much understanding & compassion - we need each other. I once met a genuine refugee, a mother, from Woomera Detention Centre and the r'ship we developed without English even still touches me deeply. We saw in each other that "something", and drew on each other in ways that make my heart full to this day. I hope she & her family are safe now.

Off to write my other post.

Yours

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Tue, 10 Dec 2019 03:30:31 GMT

Dear Fellow Sitter

The word limit is for people like me!

Deep breath. Jump in.

The worst anniversary times for me are from 12th Feb ish to 26 Apr. My mind recalls days n dates but not the darn year! Met my best friend in 1993 (son taken 1989) & over the years she noticed the above & said so; stunned me because I hadn't noticed but those dates line up with worst events perfectly. I ignored it tho, too hard.

It's hard not to swerve into other details.

In spite of all the useful help I've gotten as well as my own drivenness & obstinacy in seeking cure (has helped a lot) I've found that often the "problem is not the problem". Traumatic stress injury is a result, not a cause. For me the loss is not only one event 30+ years ago but ongoing & further events 2. Thus I say that living with loss to adoption involves pre, peri (current) & post trauma. This 4th fall was from thawing out from a horrible event in '08 & it's fallout (will share another time) which meant I lost my son again, then my husband (father of all my children) & now more rejection. It's never "post". I managed to learn that my son has married - pre trauma is time to prepare for the next loss/es ie my grandchildren. There's more too - it's complex.

But if I can't resolve the post trauma events, I can't deal with the peri nor prepare for the next (pre). So for many years I just weathered the Feb-April insanity, the drowning, often even forgetting about it till I'm dropped again, but over the last 3 years especially I've been busting my butt to help my subconscious deal with it prior to the time in hopes of not drowning. Last year I was so pleased to be okayish from 12Feb to 14Mar (born 7, taken 14), then on the 15th I drowned worse than ever till 26Apr. I've learned that triggers can "morph".

Frankly, now I've lost my confidence & am almost terrified of next year. My spunk is gone. There's no way to stop the drowning (like a photo of the waterline). Fearing it is the worst thing I can do. Consciously I've done so much to heal, destroy lies & gradually restore my fractured self, but subconciously last year's failure proves my -our- best efforts fail. I KNOW I don't mark these dates on purpose, preferring to avoid it as usual, but I know for a fact & often said, "IT" happens to me & I have zero control. I miss the disassociation; it really helped.

I am trying to not be too afraid & I'm failing. My only plan is to weather it well. The one I am most afraid of is my sub-mind. "Me".

Yours

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

Croix — Tue, 10 Dec 2019 10:17:57 GMT

Dear Lauire~

I'm going to go off on a tangent, I know it's not practical advice, but please bear with me.

I was invalided out of my job (policeman) wiht PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety. They consumed my mind and I was suicidal. My wife had a very hard time of it, working, looking after household , offspring and me.

I said my mind was consumed, it dwelt on events in the past,& future, on my failings and a lack of hope - among all this I had a very big worry.

When my wife tried to rouse me from my preoccupied state I'd react violently, not violence on her but jumping, shouting and waving my arms on an occasion . I lived in great fear I'd actually hit her in those moments when I was being dragged back and had no control.

This seems paradoxical as I'd reached the stage where I knew I had no love in me, and loved no one.

I never did hit her (she was a brave person) and later on I came to two conclusions, the first being that love was buried inside me and still influencing my actions, without my knowledge at the time. This later pointed out to me there was more in me than I'd thought. My view of my self and my capabilities was not as bleak as I'd convinced myself.

All this is a fancy way of sayng you have more strenght and ability to survive buried in you than you might think. No it does not make your episodes better, but may give you a spark deep down - in your sub-mind perhaps?

The other point is of course the influence of another, I do not think you have anyone to share your life - do I misunderstand?

You did have a partial victory you know, you delayed your triggers, I don't think that was a 'morph', but a significant delay. What did you do?

I've no magic fixes, for nightmares I get up straight away and do not lie there in that half world of pain, caught between past and present.

You have not failed, you have built, though you are having trouble recognizing that. You may have grandchildren and enjoy their love, the past has taught you negatives, but some people are good, and they change the world.

This is not a fight alone, some can see and want to ease the burden of others, to understand.

I've no idea of the people in your daily life, perhaps they are a negative, I don't know. I do know you can recognize good.

I told you it was a tangent, I've probably not explained as I might, if all you get from my words is a crack in the certainty of inevitable continued horror then I'd be more than content

Croix

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

Croix — Tue, 10 Dec 2019 10:55:21 GMT

I forgot to say:

Thing will surely improve, even as Sir H ( GCB KBE MVO ) said "in due course. In the fullness of time. At the appropriate juncture. When the moment is ripe. When the necessary procedures have been completed…"

-C

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Tue, 10 Dec 2019 13:33:24 GMT

Hey Croix 🙂

Thank you for your tangent which I think was a good thing. I'm sad to hear about your past yet also glad to hear how you and your wife have borne this challenge. It seems you've had many losses to grieve eg your career, dreams. Your endurance is admirable. It seems you had a "something" to hang onto when things were bleakest even though you didn't know what it was until later - you didn't know the love was there, but it was. So I hear you saying to me that we - I - may have "something" inside which keeps a person motivated to embrace life, and perhaps one day may know what "it" is. I will take your word for that - thank you - and see what happens.

I do have people who love and support me, so yes you've misunderstood that :). But then I haven't shared the details of my life yet so how could you know? The thing I feel totally isolated with is this trauma stuff. The effects of loss to adoption has only been formally acknowledged recently, so undoing unhealthy yet necessary survival kits after 28 yrs ish is a shock. Avoidance worked, so did disassociation, but those things are gone now.

I learned only recently that my son's grandchildren will also legally be strangers to us. I thought only my son was adopted. So, yeah. The whole lineage is shifted to the adopters.

The way I dealt with things last year was to learn as much truth as possible eg what happened (much amnesia), who's responsible for what (not blame) & memorise some insights to hang onto & try to repeat especially when the drowning starts - REALLY hard to do. This helped to keep my brain integrated - say it out loud over n over. These insights were talking to my subconscious not only when triggered, but all the time I'd talk to my subconscious as though it was a separate person, which technically it is. I'd say things like, "That was then, this is now. Yes, evil is real & so is good. Life can be brutal, but you can be tougher." I'd cover shame, moral injury, guilt, toxic religion & so on. It's neuroplasticity (CBT, REBT, truth).

And I think of pictures. I know what my son looks like now, a few weeks ago learned his eye colour :), I've learned names & some info, so I use those things to anchor my sub-mind in today eg he's alive. He's alive, Croix! And well & happy. Happy without me - a stab in my soul - but that's better than many adoptees have. They see me as a threat tho - ouch.

Grief, silence & the past are all I've had but now Facebook is helping me know things :).

Yours

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Tue, 10 Dec 2019 13:35:21 GMT

Awesome quote. Worth doing some creative work with that & recall it often. Thank you :).

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Tue, 10 Dec 2019 13:43:46 GMT

Amendment: "... my son's children..." although his grandchildren aren't related to us either apparently.

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

Croix — Thu, 12 Dec 2019 12:00:09 GMT

Dear Laurie~

You are right the PTSD is the (ongoing) result of a matter that seems, from your posts, to be the major part of your life.

These next question is horribly unimaginative and conventional but has to be asked. Is there anyway you can bring the adopted line closer and get them to trust, or at least converse with you?

Your words seem to imply you are seeing them on Facebook in their separate and unreachable world and this, to my untutored thoughts, seems to be keeping the wounds fresh.

With matters so deep it is easy for me to misunderstand and I rely upon your forbearance.

BTW to say you were 'incurable' is as destructive as it gets. I was told I was T.P.I. and I'm still influenced by that.

You mentioned a best friend before and now people that love and support you, even if you are still alone with the (P)TSD.

May I ask have you told them exactly what happens when you are in the throes of a melt down like the one from 15 March to 24 April?

Understanding may not follow. My wife never could conceive exactly what was in my head, but care and trial and error did work. Being given a warm bath may do more good than all the 'understanding' in the world.

What I'm saying may seem impractical. Trauma from the past and present is a given (and as in my case lessens in time) , but from the anticipated future it is not fixed in stone.

This does not mean a straight denial of matters, but perhaps more emphasis on your life now and it's possibilities, matters that change the proportion of your life that is bound up.

Not very original I know. An example -what would happen if you mentored a young person? That's something I've done, and it changes two lives.

After all the above you might be justified in thinking:

Hacker: You're blathering, Bernard.
Bernard: Yes, Minister.
Hacker: Why are you blathering, Bernard?
Bernard: It's my job, Minister.

Croix

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Fri, 13 Dec 2019 07:03:22 GMT

Dear Croix

I hope you're going well. Love the blathering quote! Must watch again soon.

Good questions :).

Re conversing with the adoptive family - atm I'm trying to, but it's very hard for many reasons, one being that closed adoption is all about secrecy & I'm one of the lucky ones to have gotten at least some info. My ex-husband & father to all my children wasn't allowed anything. I even got into trouble for sharing our son's ID info with him cos he not legally recognised so I "shared secret info with a 3rd party" & was accused of procuring him to contact our son which risked my prosecution - the criminal stuff wasn't removed until recently. It's serious business. Legally we are total strangers.

Take everything that's common sense in r'ships & forget it. Eg they were matched with our son cos they said they'd write over the years, totally non-identifying of course, and the dept monitors all letters etc same as in prisons, but barely a year passed and the Amum stopped it. The reason, "Because the way she writes her letters makes her seem so real it's as though she's sitting having a coffee with me". Um??

Legally we're bound by rules no matter how old our son is. It's NUTS & highly emotive time for many reasons. For us contact is the "funeral" we never had & much more. Their bio daughter (9th IVF) is really struggling that her big brother has 3 full blood siblings. Messy. They are wonderful people, but the dynamics of coerced, closed & secret adoption are very challenging. I often describe it like Daniel Morcombe & William Tyrell, except that their parents are told they deserved to lose them, don't deserve help or their child back & why aren't they over it? So pleased the Morcombes got answers, justice & a funeral - they are very precious things.

Yes, I've done every healthy thing I can. The issue is not with others, but with me. I still refuse to accept this, whether TPI or not, but still get on with life best I can. Made sense to ask someone who lives with it & learn from them, the difference being this is not just one event but a life series of events (Peri TSD), like never leaving the war for eg. What I crave is an ending but must instead learn to live with ambiguous loss & the injustice. Hard to explain. I must learn to live with this cos reunion doesn't cure it either I'm counselled. Knowing anything is better than the decades of silence.

I help to build resilience in children :). Have done for 10 years - very rewarding.

Yours
Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

Croix — Fri, 13 Dec 2019 12:02:31 GMT

Dear Laurie

Living with ambiguity and powerlessness erodes the soul, and I've no real answers.

As I said I'm fortunate in that the events that were the most telling are in the past and now modern triggering reminders are shadows of what went before.

It's not all nightmares and anger and fear. I found it very difficult to release control, for instance in family finances and am still wary more than the average person.

Despite that life is now well worth living and my reactions controlled so by and large they do not adversely affect others. My partner knows when I'm dreaming, terse or seem unsympathetic it will change in short order and is the past reaching out.

I'd no idea your jurisdiction was so stringent. I suspect you would know the details of it and it's effects a great deal more than even those that administer it.

If it is inflexible, and in your opinion the reasons behind that are flawed is reform somethng you might champion? I'd be fairly certain your position is not unique. Perhaps looking at other jurisdictions both in Australia and overseas may provide a better model to aim for.

You are articulate, thoughtful and resourceful. A good starting point.

Sir Humphrey: My job is to carry out government policy.
Hacker: Even if you think it's wrong?
Sir Humphrey: Well, almost all government policy is wrong, but… frightfully well carried out.

Croix

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Sat, 14 Dec 2019 16:11:25 GMT

Dear Croix 🙂

The quotes from Humphrey & Hacker really brighten my day; the context you apply them in suggests your own intelligence & insight.

Answers are difficult but you're suggestion of just sitting beside someone IS an answer - the degree of encouragement your letters grant me is remarkable. You know about TSI but also it seems you know the capacity of human beings for choosing good & evil. I assume your vocation did that.

I too seek control as I find powerlessness scary. Your wife sounds like a legend - you made a great choice of woman! My husband is brilliant too but he struggles some days as he sees me in pain.

Few know the legalities re the source of babies eg "putative" fathers of ex-nuptial children were legally recognised in QLD in 2016, conditionally, & also their consent to relinquish is now required. 2016. Not 1483.

I've often been asked to advocate & observed much, assessing the cost & outcomes. I'm in the mix for sure & have opportunities to propose change but I doubt the effectiveness of current methods. Most choose the adversarial (ie legal) way & that's a type of war & so far we've won few battles. This isn't like WW1 & 2 - there's no clear front line. It's like Vietnam & Afghanistan - the "enemy" is among us & they use covert dirty "war" tactics. Much I could say, darn word count ;)!

I have plans which others find unique & wish (nag) me to join them to enact but I'm so darn fragile that others inhibit me. If I wish to pursue serving in a useful way I must be healthier. My soul is weary though & my body weaker so I've chosen a passive way: a website about many topics but includes what I call Disoption & Adoption. All I've learned & experienced will be put there then I'll compile it all, perhaps like an affidavit, & visit the Aust Psychological Society to propose a number of things. To date they're the only ones truly shocked by the facts & evidence & truly cared, yet are at a loss re what to do about it & how to help us. I'm an insider & young so I plan to tell them, if they'll listen & ask for their help.

Or maybe I'll just curl up in the foetal position till I physically die. I dunno. I suspect that what life is asking of me now does not include martyrdom, self-pity or despair. Often futility invades, like a whipped dog who cedes to total subjugation. I often tell myself, "Those bastards destroyed my family; damned if I'll let them destroy me". Sometimes it's tempting to just let the darkness have its way.

Yours

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD — Sun, 15 Dec 2019 07:37:47 GMT

Hello again Croix 🙂

Been a rough night, but had a good talk with myself to discover what's up.

I wondered if I still had a tiny doubt/belief that "they" may be right - I really am evil in a way I can't see, dangerous, deserving of punishment via having firstborn taken & so on. The difference between knowing & believing is huge but after an inventory it appears I really am freed from lingering lies in my head.

It seems the real issue atm is that I don't know how to live without that identity. Denial of again being insulted, rejected, TSI episodes, legalistic narcissistic crap & crippling grief etc is stupid. Reality can be tough but it's still the only place one can get a good steak. My issue seems to be like when the slaves were granted freedom. They were taken out of slavery but it took a long time for slavery to be taken out of them.

I need to learn a new way of living & construct it which I'm finding quite scary. I fear being told that my "recovery" is further proof that I wasn't "over it" cos there was something wrong with me (we're told that often btw). So am practicing responding vs reacting eg, "It's interesting that you employ the degree of my 'recovery' from the inhumane, unlawful & illegal, unnecessary & cruel (& more!) ongoing destruction of my family via the abduction of our infant son for closed adoption by strangers as a measure to justify & approve not only past practices but modern practices which provably continue to deny fully informed consent to parents. Perhaps you also apply that same measure to men & women who have somewhat 'recovered' from chronic sexual assault when they were children. Perhaps when you've educated yourself with the facts & the skill of critical thinking we could discuss this topic. Bye." I know that's too long & admit that punching them in the nose is more appealing. Baby steps. I think it's time to focus upon what seems to be the next phase of my life. I tried & failed to come up with excuses not to so it's on with yet another pair of big girl panties & get on with it. Scary though, big time. Breathe! Easy does it.

Years ago I heard about cellular memory & organ transplant recipients. They reveal intriguing evidence that storage of memory is not only in the hippocampus. Many mums describe how their whole body was in agony & often recurred after their baby was taken, even willing relinquishers. Interesting. This correlates with the neurobiology of TSI. Maybe it's not all in our heads. Hmm.

Yours

Laurie

Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

Croix — Sun, 15 Dec 2019 08:57:20 GMT

Dear Laurie~

Trying to put things to rights in a way that is more than you can afford in terms of health and equanimity is self-defeating, as is dismissing outright that all avenues are closed.

I agree trying to modify adoption laws via legalities is simply to enrich the legal profession. Then again giving impassioned speeches or marching in demos may have disappointing results, Vietnam went ahead as you know.

True a website might help, but there are many of them. Now an Archibald Prize on the other hand, or even a Queensland Regional Arts award might be beyond your reach (though that is not a given), however just becoming known as an artist with a message people can relate to can lead anywhere.

I'm not suggesting you go that way, just mulling over ideas, maybe bad ones, dunno. A sense of purpose with just a chink of light maybe down the far end can be enough to prevent becoming a fetal ball.

Hacker: Artists always crawl towards the government on their knees, shaking their fists, beating me over the head with begging bowls.
Bernard :Sorry to be pedantic. They can't beat you over the head if they're on their knees unless they've got very long arms.

I see you have sent another message while I was actually writing this one. It deals with identity, and perhaps the above is not so off-topic as it might be.

Human beings take on guilt - sadly it seems to be built in. They get to believe they are of no worth when they are treated that as worthless. I certainly did. Rebuilding the self is a long journey, and for me praise, encouragement and love or care, together with accomplishment, have been the blocks I've been able to build on.

Croix