topic Marriage problems in PTSD and trauma

Marriage problems

Elsam — Wed, 06 May 2020 11:58:17 GMT

I have been with my husband 25 years, i feel like I do still love him but hate him at the same time for the way he treats me and destroys our life. We have been together 25 years and there has been a long history of Domestic violence, abuse, cheating and dishonesty. I cannot trust him.
The violence has now stopped but he has now started with emotional abuse.
I left him in August last year and then he begged me to come home after 8 weeks, I finally came home because he promised me the world (all fake promises, just telling me what I wanted to hear).
By Christmas he abandoned me on Boxing Day for 2 months, I never saw him and he never spoke to me for the 2 mths.
February I went to see a Solicitor and they sent him a serious letter, he then called the Solicitor saying he wanted to work things out with me.
My brother has just passed away and now he has abandoned me again and I have not seen or spoken to him for the last 3 weeks.
I cannot go on like this but I am suffering from depression and PTSD from the trauma he has put me through. He is a narcissist and very controlling and manipulative.
He is good at Gaslighting and giving me this silent treatment to make me feel guilty so I come crawling back to him! It is just a cycle of abuse that never ends
I just don’t know how I am ever going to get away and feel as though I can survive on my own I am so scared. He has made me co-dependant.
I want to be on my own and he happy but feel like I still love my husband but cannot keep letting him treat me the way he does.
Does anyone have any experience with this abandonment? Is it another form of abuse? He never used to do this before?

I have tried for so long to get him to address our issues and problems and attend marriage counselling together but he just runs away from the truth all the time!

We are living separately in the same house!
I just don’t know what to try next or who to turn to, it is always me making the effort in this marriage

Marriage problems

Sophie_M — Wed, 06 May 2020 12:18:57 GMT

Hi Elsam,

We are so sorry to hear that your relationship has been abusive. We understand that after 25 years in this relationship it must be an overwhelming prospect to end it. We are also so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. We can hear that this is a really tough time for you and you're wanting to feel happy on your own but feeling quite scared at the prospect. Please know that you are strong and you are valuable. You don't have to do this alone.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation who just want to be happy on their own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

You might also find some ideas in reading the stories of others. Some threads you might be interested in reading include:

"Moving on after leavging emotionally abusive relationship" -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotionally-abusive-relationship

"Trying to end an abusive relationship"
https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/trying-to-end-an-abusive-relationship

"Reset button"
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/reset-button#qwRpXHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

Marriage problems

Elsam — Wed, 06 May 2020 12:45:23 GMT

Is there any face to face support to help you get away from this Domestic violence?
I am sick and tired of the phone calls, talking to someone over the phone us not of any help in a serious DV situation

Marriage problems

Sophie_M — Wed, 06 May 2020 12:59:22 GMT

Hi Elsam, Thanks for reaching out. There is face-to-face support available. We understand that phone counselling is not sufficient to support someone escaping domestic violence. However, calling these helplines offers more than just phone counselling. These helplines are available to provide advice refer you to face-to-face services which are most appropriate for you in your unique situation, and accessible to you in your local area. This is something we are unable to do on the forums as we need to protect your privacy and not reveal your location in accordance with our Community Guidelines. Our forums are a great place to give and receive support from others who are or have experienced something similar to you. They are not, however, immediate or a substitute for counselling. We'd strongly recommend you reach out to 1800RESPECT and let them know what kind of support you feel would best suit you.

If at any point you feel that you are in danger, this is an emergency and we would urge you to contact 000 (triple zero) . We hope you'll find our valued forums community helpful as this is a safe, non-judgmental and supportive place.

Marriage problems

Elsam — Tue, 26 May 2020 10:55:26 GMT

Thank you for the support I am just lost and do not know what to do or who to turn to for help.
I have been seeing my Solicitor to try and deal with my husband but it is very expensive.
Is there any type of mediation for these situations?
My husband has not spoken to me since the 19th April and I have not seen him at all since then. He just does what he wants and comes and goes as he pleases coming home at 1 and 4 am in the morning. We live in the same house but I am upstairs and he is downstairs. He is just so manipulating and always wants everything his way!
I am trying so hard to stand my ground because I always end up giving in to him and then we just end up in a viscous cycle and emotional roller coaster and nothing ever gets resolved.
It kills me to think about ending my marriage but I cannot keep going on like this, it is not normal. I want to have a happy marriage with my husband but he just never lets us be happy because he can never do the right thing!

I just don’t know what else to try???

Marriage problems

Elsam — Tue, 26 May 2020 11:04:41 GMT

I have asked him to attend marriage counselling once a week for 6 mths and for him to attend a Men’s Behavioural change program.
He came back and said he would agree to attend marriage counselling once a month.

Do I stand my ground to make him agree to weekly marriage counselling? He is just so controlling and always wants everything his way, I am over it.

It is always me making the effort in this marriage and he just takes advantage because he thinks I will not leave.

Marriage problems

GimZim — Tue, 26 May 2020 14:00:18 GMT

Hey Elsam

I'm sorry about what you're going through, this all sounds horrible. The only advice I really have is to get him into an appointment with you and organise with the counsellor how frequently you have appointments and how you schedule them and so on. If a third party is telling him (and you) to come once a week or fortnight, whatever, maybe he'll take it differently than just from you. I'd honestly be most worried about getting him to the first one.

I hope the counselling helps.

Marriage problems

Guest_1055 — Tue, 26 May 2020 14:29:39 GMT

Hi Eslam,

I am sorry you are living through all this. My heart goes out to you.

You may find this helpful. Search online for Dr Les Carter. He has a ytube channel. This physcharist was recommended to me to help me understand narcissism. I don't know if your hubby has this, but if he does this may shed some light for you. There is quite a few talks on there.

You can find him on ytube below

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw

Shell

Marriage problems

geoff — Tue, 26 May 2020 18:46:05 GMT

Hello Elsam, and have been reading your thread but haven't replied because there has been many links etc provided, however, my wife left me taking our sons, several times mainly because I was running hotels, and it was up to me to get her back, which wasn't easy, but we achieved a great deal once we were out of the hospitality business and have been divorced for quite a while.

What I've learnt is that you maybe able to change someone temporarily, but there is a difference between encouraging them to be their best self and trying to completely change who they are.

He may agree at this point of time, to go to marriage counselling, but on the actual day, this could completely change.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Marriage problems

Elsam — Wed, 27 May 2020 03:44:47 GMT

Thank you

Yes he is definitely narcissistic, he would not treat me this way if he wasn’t. Everything he does he blames me for all the time. I am suffering terrible guilt from him blaming me for everything he does. I have suffered 20 years or violent DV for no reason and now it has turned into emotional abuse. I just don’t know what to try next! It is always me making the effort for both of us! I can’t do it anymore but I do love my husband. I don’t know if it is love or just habit that we have been together 25 yrs 😢😢😢😢

Marriage problems

Elsam — Wed, 27 May 2020 03:48:38 GMT

Thank you.
I had my Solicitor send him a letter requesting he agree to attend marriage counselling weekly for at least 6 mths to address the problems he causes.
He responded and said he would agree to once a month.
I will not agree to once a month because I always give in to him, I have to stand my ground this time. His first response was how much is it going to cost me??? His marriage must mean a lot of money is more important!!!

Marriage problems

Elsam — Wed, 27 May 2020 03:58:49 GMT

Thank you Geoff

Sorry to hear about your wife leaving you, it is really hard. I left my husband in August last year, after 8 weeks he begged me to come home saying he loved me and couldn’t live without me. By Christmas he abandoned me on Boxing Day for 2 mths, so I had my Solicitor send him a letter re: separation, he then called my Solicitor early March this year saying he wanted to work things out. My brother sadly passed away in March and we went to his funeral together and came home and he abandoned me the day we got home from the funeral. Just when I needed him he is not there for me! I just cannot handle this anymore the way he treats me for no reason. It is not normal. I have not seen him or spoken to him for the last 6 weeks! Again my Solicitor has sent him an ultimatum letter to attend counselling once a week for 6 mths and his response was counselling is just a waste of time and money! He agreed to once a month which I will not accept because he always wants everything his way as he is controlling and manipulating! At the moment I don’t even know if I will attend counselling as I know he will never change, he is only nice for a few days or until he gets what he wants. I cannot continue letting him treat me this way. He is so disrespectful towards me! If he loved me he wouldn’t treat me this way!

Marriage problems

Veldelmar — Wed, 27 May 2020 07:09:55 GMT

Elsam - you can identify the issues, you can identify what's not okay and that you have become co-dependent. Please, from someone that has been through DV, now that you know what is going on and how it's happening. Reach out to groups that can help remove you from the situation. You know you need to go. You've said it so many words that aren't those words. You recognise he can live without you, and you have lived without him. Not for long periods, but you have. 25 years of DV doesn't go away with counselling or mediation. Please, my dear soul, get yourself the help you need to find the strength to go - find a psychologist that deals with DV and relationship issues. If you need medication to help, use it. You are a strong person, you may not see it through your eyes, but no one puts up with crap for 25 freaking years and isn't a strong person. You are not here seeking some sort of support and not be a strong person.

There are articles and blogs and pages and pages of information on how to leave a DV situation, how you can take steps to be ready to go, how you can do it and prevent anyone you don't want to know from knowing you are prepping to go. Depending on where you live, there are organisations here in australia that will come take you out of a situation if you require it, and can help set you up in housing and all the supplies you need to exist. They can provide counselling, support, education, job help, and tons more. You 'KNOW' that you need out of it. You 'KNOW' it is not going to change. Please, dear human that I love just because you are human, you are strong enough to go, I promise you will land on your feet - it may be hard, it may have lots of tears, you may have to fight, but you are strong, brave, and worth it. I don't know if you are like me and just need to hear the hard truths in life, but you are more than what you have been. We are all here for you, now find your feet. They are still there, and know how to do it.

Marriage problems

Elsam — Wed, 27 May 2020 12:28:42 GMT

Thank you for the reply and support it is very much appreciated. I just don’t know if I am strong enough to do it, I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown.
I am scared, terrified and feel so much guilt. I feel guilty if I leave my marriage but I cannot go on like this. He has made me so co-dependant that I feel I cannot live my life without him. I feel so lonely but I am alone. All I have asked for us to enjoy my life with my husband. I am not high maintenance at all, all I have ever asked for is for walks on the beach or to go hiking or bushwalking with my husband. In 25 years he has never taken me to a nice restaurant, we have been to the movies probably 5 times in 25 years. He has always said you need a friend! I don’t need a friend I need my husband. I am at the stage where I am exhausted and angry from trying to save my marriage on my own all the time while he promises we are going to have a nice life but it never happens! In 25 years all I have wanted is to go to Europe but he always says we can’t afford it when we both have good jobs and no children. I am angry from the years of DV, abuse, threats, emotional abuse, cheating, dishonesty, deceit and him being totally untrustworthy. His behaviour is despicable and he is totally dysfunctional. I don’t know if he has mental problems or is living a double life! It scares me.
I cannot cope with him constantly abandoning me for weeks at a time, he has not seen me or spoken a word to me since the 19th April, I just don’t get it.
He has the hide to ask me why I am angry???
I just don’t know how to get to the bottom and truth of this.
I am going to ask my Solicitor to call him and ask him if he wants to be married or not? Surely he is not going to say he wants to be married. That is my easy way out for me not to have to make the painful decision to end it.

Marriage problems

Sophie_M — Wed, 27 May 2020 14:23:28 GMT

Hey Elsam, thanks for keeping us updated on your situation.
It sounds like your at a very difficult point in your marriage and you're struggling to decide whether to leave and what the consequences of this might be. We understand this is a very daunting decision to make. Please know that no matter what, you will get through this.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. It might benefit you to talk this situation through with a counsellor, they could provide some insight on how to best support yourself during this time as well as how to best navigate this situation.

We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

Marriage problems

geoff — Wed, 27 May 2020 18:58:28 GMT

Good Morning Elsam, and we can truly empathise the situation you are in and I too was married for 25 years to the person I wanted to grow old with, achieved so much together and had problems along the way, no different than any other marriage, I still love her and we speak to one another regularly, but now we couldn't live together again, this doesn't mean I can't love her.

To decide whether or not to end your marriage can not be an easy decision, however, you can't keep hold of a 'slippery rope', in other words, every time you may think you believe that there is hope, trust has been broken once again.

Two people living together need trust, loyalty, love, and without it cannot be comfortable with each other and the relationship will lack stability and not survive.

Try not to wait for your solicitor to write a letter, this will cost you money, and don't let your husband have the benefit of the doubt, I believe you have made up your mind.

We hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Marriage problems

Veldelmar — Thu, 28 May 2020 03:38:57 GMT

Guilt is a horrible beast - the DV ex used it, my mom uses it, my last ex used it. Guilt is a weapon. There are important thoughts to have about guilt. Are you actually feeling guilt, or are you making yourself feel guilt because you think you should be? If you actually feel guilt you have to ask yourself why, and if it is worth it to have that looming in your mind. If you feel it because you have convinced yourself you should be, you have to recognise why you think that and work to realise that you should never feel guilty because someone else thinks you should be. They are hard things to work through. There are things you can do to remind yourself why you shouldn't feel it in the first place. A good place is a pro/con list. You can do it for anything in your life. When the con's outweigh the pro's you have to take action to ditch it.

I know you don't feel strong. Those of us that have lived it all understand being scared and feeling weak or helpless. I promise you, you are greater than you feel. The sum of your strength will carry you. Make yourself a plan, a structured one. Have a look at some articles about leaving DV, if I could find it again I'll link it, but there was a very good one that had a step by step how-to for when you don't feel you have the courage or strength to do so. You don't have to leave in a week or a month, the plan gives you a timeline to follow that will work for you, but will make you active in your choices. I promise that your feet, legs, spine and every bit of you that holds you up knows how to carry you and won't let you fall. The hard part is letting your mind tell it it's time to go.

Marriage problems

Curious77 — Thu, 28 May 2020 08:49:40 GMT

Hello elsam,

To me it sounds like he is threatened by your increasing power and he can't control you like he used to so he is becoming more extreme in his efforts to regain his previous control over you. I think as become more powerful he will become more extreme and I am worried that you will end emotionally destroyed by how he becomes more aggressive towards you. Please preserve yourself emotionally by not pushing each other when neither is budging and get help to make a clean break.

Marriage problems

Elsam — Fri, 29 May 2020 12:52:12 GMT

Could I please ask your opinions about my situation below?

I had my Solicitor send my husband (narcissist) a letter to agree to attend counselling once a week for at least 6 mths and for him to address the following issues:

Here are some of the things I would like to discuss at marriage counselling:

• Abuse
• Threats of Arrest
• False promises
• Cheating
• Untrustworthy
• Effort in the marriage

• My loneliness when you are not around
• Neglecting and ignoring me
• Abandoning your wife
• Running away from the truth
• Not caring that I am suffering from depression and PTSD
• Showing no empathy or compassion towards me
• You do not spend any quality time with me
• Begging me to come home saying you could not live without me but continue to mistreat me
• You told my solicitor in February that you wanted to work things out with your wife
• Your wife is trying to enjoy her life alone all the time
• iPad addiction
• The dreams you mentioned you have for us

His first response was how much is it going to cost me? He then went on to say marriage counselling is just a waste of time and money and said that he would agree to once a month. Once a month is not enough when you have serious problems like this.

My point is?
Do I really need to bother continuing to make an effort to attend marriage counselling with his stinking attitude.

Why do you need marriage counselling to be a decent person?
He is a 48 yr old man and knows right from wrong, why can’t he address his issues without a marriage Counsellor??

It just seems to me he does not want to address the issues.

Approx 2 yrs ago he said we have to address these issues because they will never go away but he has never made any effort to address any of the above.

He has not seen me face to face or spoken a word to me since the 19th April!

What does this mean????

Marriage problems

Veldelmar — Fri, 29 May 2020 13:37:17 GMT

You know what it means, Elsam. He is not going to step up to do anything about it. I had some of these issues with my ex husband of all of 5 years and I knew he was not going to address them. I had to leave. He was a gaslighter. He didn't know he was a gaslighter. I left when he refused to work with me on things. This ex was very caring and supporting, when in a pinch or a crisis. Then everything else was ignored. He didn't give to the relationship what I gave to him. It wasn't worth it to either of us for me to continue to stay. We have stayed good friends because I was able to leave him amicably explaining exactly what was wrong and why I couldn't stay married to him. It's allowed us both to move on to people better suited to us.

My first husband was much like what you describe, minus physical abuse. He was hard to leave as he was my high school sweetheart. He came back from war very messed up and refused to get treatment. I gave him an ultimatum with a deadline to get help or I had to leave, he scared me (and i only saw him a couple times a year at the time as we were both in the service and in different locations). He had violent nightmares and woke up pointing an imaginary gun at the door thinking we were being invaded, he cheated, drank himself stupid and took drugs trying to make war go away. When the deadline for it came - and I gave him 6 extra months - I got a lawyer to send divorce papers. He refused to sign them for 2 years and I had to take action to get him to through his chain of command, it was a whole mess. But I left. The weight of the world was off my shoulders. I didnt have to worry about getting a STI from him anymore, lies, drug/drink fuelled scariness, being hurt, or being forced into sexual situations I wasn't comfortable with. It was over.

I'm telling you these things because I've been there, been afraid, been helpless and fortunately had just enough support in people saying you know what you need to do to be able to get up and do it.