topic First time poster & abuse survivor. in PTSD and trauma

First time poster & abuse survivor.

MelancholyPineapple — Fri, 27 Sep 2019 07:36:15 GMT

My younger sister has always been the bossy one and the one aware of her mental health and proactive in doing something to take care of herself. Her latest is telling me I have PTSD and demanding that I see a doctor and get help. I'd never really thought about this before but doing some research I have found myself here. I was physically, mentally and sexually abused for 14 years of my childhood. My home life was not great, my "safe" person (my Grandma) passed away when I was 16 and I was offered no grief counselling and to this day I struggle to attend funerals and grieve for friends and family. I was an alcoholic but have been sober for 20 plus years. I cry a lot, I have anxiety (not formally diagnosed), I have the most bizarre and vivid dreams most nights which cause lack of sleep, I have a couple of triggers that really upset me, I like to be in control of things, I hate asking for help from anyone and will struggle on and do things for myself, I prefer to stay at home and avoid as many social things that I can, I push people away, I only have a few close friends. A big issue for me is that I comfort eat, which was fine when I was younger and could burn it off easily but now I'm overweight. Part of me hates how big I am and part of me likes it as it's a big "up you" to my mother who constantly told me I was fat and had to lose weight when I was a child/teen. I've spoken to a counselor in the past but all I really did was sit and cry for the entire session as I struggled to articulate how I was feeling. I feel like maybe I do have PTSD but it's not something I know much about and wonder how to bring this up with my gp. It's nice to have read some other people's posts and know that I am not alone. Not sure what I'm really looking for here, maybe just validation that this is something I can see my doctor about and not just something I'm making up in my head. Thanks

First time poster & abuse survivor.

Croix — Fri, 27 Sep 2019 12:41:03 GMT

Dear MelancholyPineapple~

Welcome here to the Forum, and I'm very glad you came. It would not have been easy to set things out like you have, but it does give a pretty clear picture of your life and what you have to deal with each day. To go for 14 years wiht physical, mental and sexual abuse when young mkaes a huge mark on a person. Worse that mark may not always be totally recognized for exactly what it is.

In that young life your safety was with a loving grandma, and when she passed away a lot more passed with her. Without guessing at reasons why (I'm no doctor) I can well imagine it has stopped you from the feelings you expect yourself to have when others pass away -the grief and the loss.

Crying a lot, maybe for no big reason, having vivid and unpleasant dreams, having triggers, wanting to be in control and pushing other away - plus alcohol and all the rest - all remind me when I became ill with PTSD, depression and anxiety.

I do take my hat off to you ever stopping the drink, that is a very big thing and shows your real strength. As for comfort food, I comfort smoked.

I know you mentioned counseling before and spending the time in tears. I think mine came at least in part from having an opportunity to not be alone with it all, the thought I might be able to lean on someone and not need to be in control of everything - in short relief.

Something so long and so deep is not going to be solved by a few visits, any more than it was for me, however with the right therapist (mine has been a psychiatrist), medications, therapy and patience I'm now a different person. I lead a happy full life with love and accomplishment.

As a tip I've found useful, if you think you are not going to be able to explain face to face, due to overwhelming emotion, embarrassment, or fear, then write everything down first -take a couple of days and get it right. Point form is fine. Book an extended appointment and hand the paper over in the consultation. Then no matter what happens the doctor has something to work with, a clearer picture.

Crying is very common, look how many doctors keep a box of tissues handy, just about all of them.

OK your final question. Yes, you sound like me when I was very ill, not just something in my head, and yes you do need to seek medical support. You have lived so far with unhappiness, it is time to turn it around.

Croix

First time poster & abuse survivor.

MelancholyPineapple — Sat, 28 Sep 2019 08:13:13 GMT

Thanks for your kind words and support Croix, it honestly felt like a virtual hug. Writing everything down sounds like a plan as I know that I would just sit and cry at the doctor. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone.

First time poster & abuse survivor.

Croix — Sat, 28 Sep 2019 13:20:43 GMT

Dear MelancholyPineapple~

Of curse you are not alone, so many people have faced great hardship, and while the causes are not all the same the endurance gives understanding. So I'm happy it has helped. I get to the stage where I need someone to say something nice, or I start to wonder if I am helping (mind you being hugged by a walrus is not all it's cracked up to be:)

It took me a while to get used to crying, in fact because I'd never done it since I was a little kid it was frightening -and even physically painful. Now if it happens it happens, no drama.

Crying or not, it is not easy to go to the doctor and if you are like I was then you will come up wiht reasons not to go. They are never really good ones.

Do you reckon you will be able to go?

Croix

First time poster & abuse survivor.

MelancholyPineapple — Sat, 28 Sep 2019 19:50:28 GMT

Dear Croix

My sister has given me until December (when she next visits) to go to the doctor or she is going to come with me. Neither me or my doctor need that, although I'm sure my sister means well.

First excuse not to go - it's school holidays for the next two weeks!

I think I can.

Thank you.

First time poster & abuse survivor.

Croix — Sun, 29 Sep 2019 08:59:41 GMT

Dear MP~

I'm sure she means well, and sometimes I've actually found having someone with me has helped, but December is a long way away, then everyone takes time off for the new year.

Your first excuse, the pressure is off as school holidays have started is in fact the best reason to go. With less stress it will seem easier and will be more effective, a sort of running start for when things ramp up again.

I'm glad you think you can go. It is not going to be nearly as horrible as you fear. I was exactly the same and thought people would think less of me, that I'd end up in hospital or be given drugs that made me a zombie. It all worked out.

Croix

First time poster & abuse survivor.

CKS — Tue, 01 Oct 2019 03:14:18 GMT

Dear MP

Wow i admire you. You are triumphant for getting to this age will little professional support. I hope I'm allowed to say this but whilst you are looking into things about PTSD, i think it would be a good idea to check out Complex PTSD, as your symptoms are very akin to mine some years ago, including addictions.

Take care

CKS

First time poster & abuse survivor.

CKS — Thu, 03 Oct 2019 02:02:50 GMT

Hi MP

How are things going? We are here for you.

CKS

First time poster & abuse survivor.

MelancholyPineapple — Sun, 31 May 2020 12:27:47 GMT

Hey thanks for checking in, it's been awhile since I was here and I'm doing okay. Thanks to the covid quarantine I have finally had a doctors appointment and organised a mental health plan. I had my first psychiatrist appointment last week and it went surprisingly well and looking forward to my next one in a couple of weeks. I know it's only the beginning but I'm happy to have finally made a start.

First time poster & abuse survivor.

ecomama — Sun, 31 May 2020 14:17:08 GMT

Hi MP

Congratulations on getting your MHCP AND seeing a psych. What a great set of achievements and I'm so pleased for you that your first session went well.

I'm just embarking on my own additional support needs by seeing a Specialist Trauma Psych for PTSD / C-PTSD.

Just chiming in to say you are not alone in your journey. I hope you feel okay to post again,

First time poster & abuse survivor.

Guest_1643 — Sun, 31 May 2020 14:37:51 GMT

HI MP

Secondng EM i just came upon your posts and was so so happy to see that you found a way to get help. Really it is brave and courageous to do, whatever the outcome. From an outsider's point of you, I am always impressed that people ask for help - it's not easy and so many never do. What you've done is a huge step - well done for taking care of you!

I suffer a lot of the same symptoms as you, and it can be very hard. Nightmares are so scary and can make nighttime so difficult. I have them regularly as well. You are definitely not alone and these symptoms are common PTSD effects. Although it is a small comfort, I must admit it did make me feel better to know that I wasn't going crazy, and some of my body's repsonses to the trauma i'd been through were normal, and occured to many. It sounds like you are feeling a bit of that here, finding some other fellow travellers who can so relate to your story.

First time poster & abuse survivor.

MelancholyPineapple — Sun, 11 Oct 2020 23:42:20 GMT

A long time between posts, as usual. Thank you ecomama and Sleepy21 for your kind words. I've just completed 6 psych sessions and have had my MHCP review (I didn't cry!) and heading into my next 4 sessions. I've learned a lot about myself already, I have a set of "new world" rules on my fridge to read every day and I am already feeling a lot better about myself. Anxiety has reduced a lot, as has the crying. I have in my head that my next step in healing myself is telling my mother about my abuse. We don't have the best of relationships but we do still chat and catch up on a semi regular basis, less now that my kids are young adults. The only way I could tell her everything is by writing it all down in a letter. I don't (at this stage anyway) want to discuss any of it with her I just feel that by giving her my thoughts it will somehow take a weight off of my mind. I am obviously worried about her reaction, worried about hurting her and pushing her away and I'm not sure that she has anyone to talk to this about, her partner has dementia and my sister doesn't talk to her. I am also worried that she will not believe me. I know this should be about my feelings but I have always been the "peace keeper and the people pleaser" and find it hard to make it about me. As a mother I would be mortified if my adult child told me about years of abuse that happened literally under my nose, there is always that thought in the back of my mind that she knew what was going on and let it happen anyway. Anyway, that is where I am at.

First time poster & abuse survivor.

ecomama — Wed, 14 Oct 2020 14:40:05 GMT

HI MP

It sounds like you've made incredible progress with the support of your psych.

I'm very very happy for you.

Yeah tricky one about telling your mum... always would be for anyone I guess.
If you want to add some Helpline numbers at the bottom of the letter then she could call someone and talk it through if she needs to.

But I imagine she would have questions, probably lots of them. These may be hard to navigate for you IDK?

My daughters disclosed years of abuse (I was at work or they were in different places when it happened) and I was horrified. All I wanted to do was wrap them up in cotton wool and protect them forever. Even the adult one.

I asked the adult one lots of questions and I think she was just so relieved that I was loving her through it all that she talked and talked.
Younger one, I ask no questions at all under psychologists' recommendations but I did say many other things to her like I would always be here if she ever wanted to talk about any of it.

I'm very glad to hear your psych has helped you so much. This is a really wonderful thing.

And exactly what we want to hear lol.

Well done you for all your commitment and hard work.

Much love and Blessings in your healing journey!

Let us know how things go if you want to share....