topic Should I stay or go. in PTSD and trauma

Should I stay or go.

TaylorJL — Thu, 16 May 2019 01:34:22 GMT

Ive been with my current partner now for 3 years and we have just recently go engaged.
He has struggled with depression, anxiety, bipolar for most part of our relationship and I feel its finally taken its toll on me. He has days which are good and I forget about all the bad times but mostly its a constant struggle and fight.
Im not sure how others handle their depression but my partner lashes out with abuse, constantly swearing and yelling at me. He has physically assaulted me at times. Im not looking for sympathy as i'm trying to understand him and what he's going through. He also gets very down and and upset. Ive had him in my arms sobbing, ive talked him out of self harm and suicide, ive taken him to the doctors for medication. Im at my wits end. I feel like I have done the best I can to help him through this, and I don't know if im strong enough to continue. I know that might sound selfish but I do not feel myself anymore. I am now feeling constantly upset and sad. The love I have for him is still there but I don't know if I can continue to go through this. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Should I stay or go.

white knight — Thu, 16 May 2019 05:30:57 GMT

Hi, welcome

I'll start with what to do if you stay with him.

Firstly respect is wanting here. Any form of abuse is outrageous and not acceptable and has to stop- period! Immediately.

If a disagreement occurs then use the process I've outlined here in the following thread . use google

Beyondblue topic relationship strife?- the peace pipe

Seek a relationship counselor. If he refuses to go then go yourself. If he asks details of the meeting don't reveal it, instead suggest he come along with you next time.

google-

Beyondblue topic does stubbornness have a place

Beyondblue topic is there room for stubbornness?

He should be informed that although he has mental illnesses that should not mean he has free reign on his behavior and he is responsible for such behavior. EG you are not a trampoline that he can fall on at every mood swing.

Google

Beyondblue topic who cares for the carer?

Now, if you leave. Remember, you have a right to self preservation and stable happiness in life. With those with bipolar (like myself) the good times , the love, affection and fun times must offset the turmoil of our illness or over time such turmoil wears you down. With long term relationships the affection wains and so does the fun. The balance gets out and the fallout from the moods takes its toll. This is why he needs to change his behavior.

You have the choice of leaving or not. You cannot remain with him for the reason he might self harm or worse. You can achieve separation with care and compassion but you also need the same. This is where the mentally ill aren't ideal in their approach commonly. Yes, we rely on others to care for us but we aren't their liability, there is a difference.

I hope that helps. We are here to respond often to your questions so by all means keep in touch and post anytime.

tonyWK

Should I stay or go.

TaylorJL — Thu, 16 May 2019 07:24:43 GMT

Thank you Tony for your support, When I try and speak to him about his lashes of anger and abuse and how it is affecting me, he always responds the same way. He is a business owner and claims the stress of running his own business is what is causing these lash outs. I agree to this, to some extent but when I try to explain to him i'm not his punching bag he thinks i'm being heartless and that i'm not empathetic because when he is lashing out on me I immediately go into defensive mode and I can no longer calm him down or support him.

He makes me feel like i'm not being a good partner to him because I cant constantly be there to support him through his daily demons. In true fact I feel like I need the support myself.

Can someone with mental illness really change these behaviours or will this be a struggle for us for the rest of our lives?

Should I stay or go.

white knight — Thu, 16 May 2019 10:15:26 GMT

Ok, I ran my own one man business in investigations for 18 years. The business was mega stressful, and in 2003 business dropped off so I had to return to security shift work 12 hour shifts.

In 2013 I had two psychotic events caused by stress, bipolar, depression, anxiety and dysthymia. I had to retire at 57yo.

That put financial pressure on us.

At no time have I ever assaulted nor hurt a woman.

I'm sorry but his excuses are just that.

In answer to your question, I dont believe spots on Leopards change.

You have to care for yourself.

Tony WK

Ps dont be afraid to ask more questions

Should I stay or go.

Tread — Mon, 20 May 2019 17:06:12 GMT

I’m new here and it seems like most people are more .. diplomatic and help you weigh up options. Apart from the above poster, whom I agree with 100%.

You are lucky you’re only engaged. You can walk away relatively easily.

Ive been married twice and if I can give you one word of advice, if it’s bad now expect worse once you’re married.

You are not the one for him and he’s certainly not the one for you. Don’t wait until you’re years down the track, children and home. It only makes it harder.

Im filled with regret at my choices to “help” and wait it out. I stayed because he didn’t leave me, such a bad reason to stay. Of course.. in hindsight.

Have a life. Find someone that brings out the best in you. Time really does fly by.. don’t let it be all in misery.

Should I stay or go.

grt123 — Mon, 20 May 2019 20:09:07 GMT

Taylor, Tread is right. Run don't walk away from this man. Thirty years ago I was in your shoes and I thought things would be ok because we loved each other and when it was good it was great. I promise you as time goes by the bad will get worse and leaving gets harder. You need a man who brings you joy, makes you feel beautiful and of whom you're proud to have by your side. In no way can your fiancé do any of those things.

Should I stay or go.

therising — Mon, 20 May 2019 21:07:57 GMT

Hi TaylorJL

I see Tony and Tread have already given you supportive and thoughtful advice which I hope has helped during such a highly challenging and emotional time in your life.

I believe that a healthy relationship is one that evolves in positive ways, even through the challenges (mental health ones included). It sounds like you have tried hard, as a loving and supportive partner, to help your fiance evolve. You have been there in the form of counsel as well as supporting him in the way of seeking medical help, regarding the GP visit for medication. Your beauty and compassion truly shine through such support. You have taken a positive form of responsibility in helping guide your partner. It is a negative form of responsibility he is expecting you to absorb which sees you suffer; it should not be up to you to take responsibility for the anger stress and abuse.

Taylor, it may be time you give your partner an ultimatum. Either he seeks guidance in the form which helps him manage his challenges and behaviour or the relationship needs to end (as it's destroying you). Explaining that neither one of you can manage this situation without the right support, should be something he seriously needs to consider with a sense of maturity. This conversation, I imagine, will be the decider in regard to you staying or leaving.

I believe mutual love is shared within each other's evolution and self-love is experienced within our own evolution. From what you write, perhaps some of the pain you are experiencing is based on the idea that you are not growing but shrinking instead. In the painful process of shrinking, we can gradually find we are falling out of love with our self because we've lost sight of who we truly are.

Take care

Should I stay or go.

TaylorJL — Tue, 21 May 2019 01:47:51 GMT

Thank you so much for your response.

Im assuming your speaking from experience and for me personally, this is a hard pill to swallow.
I know you are speaking truths but its almost like I'm still holding onto the hope that things will get better and he will get better. Suffering from this for the past 2 years has been the most challenging thing I have ever experienced. Some days its ok but ultimately we always fall back into that deep dark hole I try to hard to get him out of.

How do you walk away?

Should I stay or go.

TaylorJL — Tue, 21 May 2019 01:54:54 GMT

Thank you also for your response.
How did you leave? I have had many instances where I have tried after an episode i'm filled with so much rage and anger at what he has said and done to me, but when trying to leave he breaks down and begs me to stay. He cries, says it isn't him who is actually lashing out on me and he has no control over it.
Days will past and we both calm down from what has just happened and then we try to build and move forward always instantly going back once another negative thing happens in his life and we are straight back to square one.

Should I stay or go.

white knight — Tue, 21 May 2019 04:05:04 GMT

The rising said

"Taylor, it may be time you give your partner an ultimatum. Either he seeks guidance in the form which helps him manage his challenges and behaviour or the relationship needs to end (as it's destroying you). Explaining that neither one of you can manage this situation without the right support, should be something he seriously needs to consider with a sense of maturity. This conversation, I imagine, will be the decider in regard to you staying or leaving"

I agree.

TonyWK

Should I stay or go.

grt123 — Tue, 21 May 2019 18:05:28 GMT

Hi Taylor - If youre like me, the days and weeks after a meltdown are the best you'll ever have with this man. I could feel my husband winding up over weeks and then there'd be a catastrophe - sometimes violence, and he'd be good again for a while. I realised 'post-catastrophe' was the only time he treated me well. The rest of the time it was like trying to keep a deflating balloon in the air. My happiness was so intertwined with his that if he said he had a bad day I'd feel bad too - And towards the end all his days were bad. I responded to a question like yours on another thread recently "When is it time to leave?' and here's what I told them:

I don’t think there’s a pain free option unfortunately. It would be lovely to just sit and drink Pinot and cry on your girlfriend’s shoulders but ending a marriage is a time for action. Be prepared. I can assure you the transition is actually quite brief - maybe just a few weeks and it’s done. Go see a lawyer and have a chat - it costs around $350 and you’ll find it helpful and empowering. I can also assure you that taking action is like a tonic - it changes you. People will see the difference and you’ll feel it working almost immediately.

Should I stay or go.

Tynk — Fri, 21 Jun 2019 03:16:27 GMT

Hi Taylor,

You're a good soul in a difficult situation. It seems you feel a responsibility toward your fiancé. While you don't feel you're the reason for his difficulties, you're putting in the effort again and again, to the detriment of your own health.

It's not OK to be subject to abuse.

I've been at a similar difficult crossroad. You love the 'good' one and fear the 'bad'. You hope your support will bring healing.

I finally made the difficult decision to separate. I felt many emotions: ongoing concern for my husband, guilt at separating, loss, anger, loneliness, grief, failure.

The truth is, you are not responsible for his healing. He is.

Years later, I still have pangs of remorse - could I have done things differently? The hook of the good times tempts me, but I know it's not a healthy space for me.

My husband was a master of getting people to support him. He would make progress, then revert to patterns - destructive to himself and those around him.

You have important choices to make. E.G, would you want children in this environment?

It takes one kind of strength to care for someone with difficulties and a different kind to draw a line and put yourself first.

In the end, I realised my husband, who is an exceptional man in so many ways, and whom I knew had loved me, was either not really able to see much beyond himself, or was unable to be truly honest with himself and take responsibility for his dark actions, his blame shifting, and inappropriate punishments.

It's difficult. still worry about him However, I know I can't fix him.

I've found it takes time for the layers of hurt to unwind, and there are ups and downs. But it's a worthwhile personal journey that reveals as much about oneself as about the other person.

Some folk won't have the experience or capacity to understand what you have been through. Some may expect you to 'just get over it'.

Using this forum is a good way to express your thoughts and concerns with people who 'get it' and who know that everyone's path to recovery is different and it takes each person a different time.

When separation occurs, there's a yawning gap. Rebuilding takes a different kind of effort and courage. I've found it helpful to spend my time on nourishing activities that give a sense of purpose, and with people that are affirming.

I can tell from your post that you are courageous and strong. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Should I stay or go.

Tornbetweenthings — Fri, 21 Jun 2019 07:59:45 GMT

Hi Taylor,

I feel for you, similar situation to mine although its a bit different but I would like to use this thread to see what others think.

My Partner he has ADHD and after his last breakup he went into having BPD. He has never abused me but always disappeared and that would let me worry about him a lot. I went to visit his psychiatrist and he was being prescribed low dosage of mood swings medication.

How am I suffering, whilst I dont know if I love him or am I smitten with him i do care for him. I am expecting a child of his and that complicates things. In the beginning I wanted to break up and run away but then i got pregnant and am into my 7th month of pregnancy. So now he is using a different tactic or maybe is related to his mental health which confuses me . He says how he doesnt want to be father nor does he want to financially contribute to things and I feel like he is actually thinking I'm holding him back. then he will come home and say I love you and i cant hurt you and then will say i miss you if you go away from me for even a day.. when all i want to focus on is the baby and the delivery and knowing he has my back whilst Iam not working and needing care ...

Then I analysed things and asked myself - will i have stayed with him if I wasnt pregnant and my answer came to me - No i wouldnt, because he is not helping himself. Then why am i staying with him now and the answer comes to me because i want our child to have connections with both parents.

Then i get confused and think how will i live with this torture and for how many years. Dont get me wrong we had a great connection but he had a lot of baggage when he came into my life such as family court issues over custody for his daughter from another short term relationship. and somehow i got involved in that ... then i ask myself how long can i mask this pretence relationship. I do care for him and i think if allowed we would have been a super couple but he always compares me to his ex and that annoys me - like saying one day you will leave me, or one day you will take the child away from me ... its all very convulated and it gives me bad headache at times . thoughts?