topic Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me in PTSD and trauma

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

EmPTSD — Fri, 28 Jun 2019 01:20:45 GMT

First time posting so please bare with me. Warning, could have triggers for those who have been raped.

So last august, long story short, I met up with a man i barely knew to help him through some of his own issues, only to find out he had lured me there so he could sexually assault me.

I have since been diagnosed with PTSD and the police have labelled me as a rape victim/survivor.

I am struggling with this.

I feel like that horrible label doesnt fit with what happened to me.

I regularly have flashbacks, anxiety attacks and go into a hyper-vigilant state on a daily basis, but i still dont believe what I have gone through justifies that label.

i am really struggling with this in my head. I know what happened is, in the eyes of the law, worse than someone inappropriately touching me but i dont feel that it is as bad as other forms of sexual assault.

Am i being stupid and trying to downplay what happened or am i justified in my thoughts??

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

TimTams — Fri, 28 Jun 2019 02:57:22 GMT

Do you mind me asking if there was a conviction made? And did police actually vocally tell you that you were a victim/survivor?

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

romantic_thi3f — Fri, 28 Jun 2019 03:01:57 GMT

Hi EmPTSD,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here. I really appreciate you being able to open up to us and I'm sorry for what you've been through.

It sounds from your post as if you don't believe that you fit or can justify yourself in that label - can I ask what you do believe you 'fit into'? I do want to answer the rest of your question but I kind of want to find out what it is that you do believe or what you feel 'is justified' first.

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

EmPTSD — Sat, 29 Jun 2019 22:18:52 GMT

Timtam. Yes they did vocally say to their work partner "this is *my name*, shes the rape victim whos agreed to be our witness."

Romantic. Im not sure. I just think there are different "levels" of the indecent act of sexual assault and what happened to me is by no means the worst, which i personally see as the act of rape. That does, by no means mean that i am downplaying any other forms of sexual assault. Something one person can brush off as a misunderstanding is the next persons horrific nightmare. I just feel that there are differing level of severity. And i dont feel that i fit the "rape" label...

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

EmPTSD — Sat, 29 Jun 2019 22:28:15 GMT

Timtam. Sorry forgot your other question. The man that did it was already on probation for a severe sexual assault so when it happened to me, he went straight back to jail. He has only recently gotten out again and i have to go into the police to make another statement. When i spoke to them a few days ago is when they said what has made me question the label...

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

romantic_thi3f — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 02:02:09 GMT

Hi EmPTSD,

Thank you for your post and I appreciate you clarifying that for me.

I feel kind of mixed feelings reading your post because any sort of rape and sexual assault can be so traumatising, letting alone trying to validate the pain or severity.

Looking at it from a purely logical way, rape is generally defined as penetration without consent where as sexual assault can be more of an umbrella term covering everything else. Although they can be used somewhat randomly depending on the person - like if the police made that statement that was not actually correct.

At the same time though, label or not, I think it's important to be able to validate those experiences in a way that feels right to you. Is there a part of you that does feel like it was 'that bad'?

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

TimTams — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 03:07:23 GMT

Well I am glad police call some people victims. Police treated me like garbage and all of it was the truth, plus more. It is lost on me how they will only call someone a victim when the person has reoffended. Once was honesty bad enough. Nothing personal - I was just really surprised the police in Australia used the word victim and said you were one.

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

PamelaR — Tue, 02 Jul 2019 00:54:53 GMT

Hi EmPTSD and I too would like to welcome you here

It is good that you've found our community. There are many caring and supportive people who post here. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I do understand completely how you feel about not wanting the labels of rape victim and survivor and understand your concern about being incorrectly labelled.

You are not stupid. How you are feeling is not unusual. From what you have written I feel there are a couple of things that might be going on. My own thoughts are - People who are assaulted and/or raped often feel guilty about what happened because they think that in some way they caused the person to assault them. This is in no way true, however, it takes time to work through this. One other aspect of the recovery process is denial that it happened. It took me about 6 months or more to acknowledge and accept that the memories I was having about being raped when I was 12 or thereabouts. That it wasn't my fault. For me, I totally blocked the incident in my memory. It only surfaced about 9 years ago.

A good thing about your post is, it seems you are aware of what is happening to your body - e.g. anxiety, hyper-vigilance. Is there anyone you see to help you through this? PTSD is something that needs management as triggers will happen. Learning techniques to nip these in the bud will help to move on in life.

As I understand the pain you are experiencing, my heart does go out to you. Things will take time and I imagine that police involvement will drag out everything longer than you truly want. Just to get over it and on with your life.

Feel free to browse and to join discussions here on our forums. You may find stories here that you can relate to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

white knight — Tue, 02 Jul 2019 06:55:19 GMT

Hi EmPTSD, welcome

So glad you wrote in. Labels, lets talk about "labels". Yes they as hurtful, actually can be humiliating. So why do we have them? Because it is a "direct" description and there is sound reason for people in authority to be direct. The reason is often when people get referred to others say- counselors or doctors for therapy or examinations. If such a description is not used and it is substituted for another more softened label, then it can be misconstrued easily.

It isn't unlike bipolar 1 and bipolar 2. Bipolar 2 although just as serious has patients that are aware of their illness and its ramifications, bipolar 1 is often for those far less aware of their behavior which is sometimes excessive and odd.

But the main issue here with yourself is the word. The old saying sticks and stones....applies. We can get fixated with labels and while I understand that I have trained my mind to not concern myself about such labels.

In terms of the assault and its seriousness, you are fully justified in how it has affected your life. Please, never feel guilty about this- you feel what you feel and the extent of your reactions has zero to do what others feel. We often get he comment "just get over it" with depression and it is really hurtful when we don't have that capacity.

So in summary- the terms of "rape victim/survivor is primarily for the purpose of professional health and law people to describe victims accurately so they do not misunderstand what you have endured and therefore downplay it. It is accurate and direct and in law and medical terms that is needed.

Also you have every right to feel upset, depressed, PTSD symptoms and mental anguish from your ordeal.

Google

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Regards and I hope you feel better soon

TonyWK

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

EmPTSD — Fri, 05 Jul 2019 09:53:39 GMT

Ok. So heres an update on the situation. I cant get rid of the smell of him...i have even tried plastering vegemite on my nose to try and get rid of his stench but i cant get rid of it...

i did about a third of my statement last night so im seriously struggling processing that and knowing whats coming next...suspense is killing me, i need it over and done with...

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

Quercus — Mon, 08 Jul 2019 15:26:39 GMT

Hi EmPTSD,

Just wanted to say I think you are very brave for going to the police. Many don't.

It might be a good idea to ask the police to talk you through the process in detail or to ask them to refer you to someone who can (legal advisor perhaps).

Being overloaded with a smell or sound or another triggering sense is something I'm familiar with. It must be very distressing for you to have to resort to Vegemite. Do you have a psychiatrist or psychologist you see to talk through this?

In your earlier posts you mentioned a reluctance to use the word rape. I know that feeling too well. I put myself in the situation, didn't leave, didn't fight, didn't report or say anything. It doesn't change that what happened was wrong and non consentual. But using the word rape is something I struggle to do also.

Just wanted you to know that someone had read and related to the confusing feelings.

Please take good care of yourself.

Nat

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

white knight — Mon, 08 Jul 2019 16:55:47 GMT

Hi again

You are really brave and I'm not patronizing. Nat also recognises it. She has had similar experiences and I'm in awe of you ladies.

I'm also ashamed when I read about how other men can behave. I hope you see how good men are. I imagine being the white knight and trying to protect you all.

Well done in progessing with your statement.

TonyWK

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

EmPTSD — Fri, 12 Jul 2019 14:37:58 GMT

Thanks guys and gals...

I don't consider myself at all, but i will take any compliment i can get at the moment so thank you 🙂

And yes, i certainly see the good in men. My guy has been my rock through all this, i am so lucky to have found him, 5 years and still growing stronger by the day!

Still waiting to hear from the detectives about when i have to make the 2nd part of my statement...i know theyre busy with this guy but the suspense is making it that much harder its not funny!

Thanks for the support everyone, it is disturbing and also comforting that i am not the only one out there that "gets it"...i dont feel quite so alone anymore and for that, i thank you again...

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

TubbyJungle — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 01:46:15 GMT

Hi everyone, first time posting...

I too understand the struggle of using the term 'rape'. To me, it seems like a dirty word. And one that you don't want to associate yourself with. In my situation, it occurred several times on different days and resulted in me becoming a mother at 16. There was no reporting, no charges. I was scared, confused and alone.

I understand the 'still smelling' him. Hopefully once all is done and dusted and you know he is behind bars so can't hurt you again, time will let that fade.

It does continue to affect your life. When I am intimate with my husband I will sometimes have flashbacks and my body just automatically disconnects from what is happening. Luckily though, my husband is incredibly understanding and supportive.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, severe anxiety, severe depression, severe stress, agoraphobia and a few others. When i heard the diagnosis of PTSD, I was like umm no, that's wrong. I just always associated it with war veterans and people who have truly suffered horrific ordeals. Turns out, after finally deciding to go and see someone, laying it all out on the table, that yes I am that statistic of horrific things. That alone is a lot to absorb and accept as I always think there is someone worse off than me.

In my opinion, the fact that you were doing a good deed, helping out someone who you thought was in need, being a shoulder for them to cry on and then that occurring, makes it harder to grasp and distorts the fact that yes, that did happen, therefore you are a rape victim and survivor. My hope for you is that with the support and love of those around you, you get through it and you create a beautiful life.

I hope this post makes sense... its hard sometimes to put into words what you want to come across.

Trying to downplay the 'rape' that happened to me

Quercus — Sat, 20 Jul 2019 12:09:22 GMT

Hello TubbyJungle (and a wave to EmPTSD of course),

Thank you. It always amazes me when a new poster chooses to write and give another person support, understanding and encouragement.

Your story is so hopeful to read. Although you've had experiences that are incredibly distressing the way you write is uplifting to read. I am happy that your husband is supportive and understanding and that you sought help for yourself.

Above all I love your message to EmPTSD about creating a beautiful life regardless of trauma.

Thank you for sharing your story with us all.

Nat