topic The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away. in PTSD and trauma

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Tue, 05 Apr 2022 12:52:39 GMT

It has been about a year since it happened. Although it was months later I truly understood what had happened to me. And I think its only now i confidently call it what it is. Unfortunately that meant I kept my abuser in my life for months and I think I've lost about everything because of it.

The thing I really need to get off my chest right now is that my abuser came back to a university club and been elected to the council of it now, and I am also on the council. And I want to resign because I never want to hear her voice again but I don't want to resign to give her power over me again. Even though I functionally am leaving that space anyway, its not like she can do anything with that power. In fact except for have me leave that space.

Its probably a bad idea to post to all the admins "I should not be on a council with my rapist so I resign" but thats really how I want to do it. A few people in the club know what happened to me, but most of them dont and I guess think she's fine, and it's my word against hers anyway. Only witness to one instance of her manipulation would be considered biased and... yeah.

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

mmMekitty — Tue, 05 Apr 2022 13:45:40 GMT

Hello CaramelCrisp,

I must apologise because I know I've seen you around, but my horrible memory - I can't remember any of your earlier posts.

Going by what you've written here, it seems you have a decision to make, one which is related to some very emotionally charged experiences, within a relationship, & so decisions coming anywhere near that will be more difficult to make.

The kind of decision will likely have repercussions beyond you, or her.

I think it would be a good idea to sit on it a while, talk to someone - perhaps someone at RESPECT : 1800 737 732.

It has been said, (don't ask me who first) that the best way to overcome past abuse is to live a successful & happy life. I kind of think that's true - certainly sounds good in theory, & for myself, I KNOW it takes a lot of hard work, which isn't a lot of un. What I do know, is that while not focusing on them, & working on myself, I am a whole lot better than I was.

mmMekitty

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

geoff — Tue, 05 Apr 2022 15:30:55 GMT

Hello CaramelCrisp, one way or another this abuser must be identified for intruding on your personal life, if this doesn't happen then there's a chance it might happen again to someone else, if not you again, and if known then they shouldn't and wouldn't be allowed on the council.

You have every right to say 'I should not be on a council with my rapist so I resign', and be told to the rest of the people on the board as well as to all the members because they will want to know you're going.

It's only presumptuous and for the benefit and safety of the club for this to be told, and nobody would say anything like this unless it has happened.

This is a time where you can have some retribution on what's occurred.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Fri, 08 Apr 2022 08:19:59 GMT

Thank you both. Sorry for the late reply

Its okay to not remember of course, but if it helps I've mostly made posts involving my struggles with self-harm. Of course I've also posted in a few of the more general threads in the last month.

I dont think I am ready to do it yet, but I think you're right Geoff. I need to let other people know. The president of the club knows, sort of. I don't think I fully understood my experience as what I do know when I made my report, but I.. yeah my primary concern at the time was them hurting someone else in the same way.

Which gives me more time to think as well, and finally talk to my psychologist about it.

mmMeKitty, that seems like a good approach to things and I should try and focus on myself. I spent a lot of time trying to do better for myself after i finally cut my abuser off, and I would have said late last year that I was. And I was thinking about them less. Just... Theres been a lot of damage to that the past few months, thanks to her and thanks to the actions I took in the aftermath and also actions I took that may be unrelated to my abuse. Just today I have been confronted with that again. I have lost so many people, lost everyone who supported me when this happened. Now Im losing this club too, and I'm not ready for new things. Just in the time since cutting them off in August I've already been hurt by opening up again. That... did not come from the same place as abuse I don't think. But I do feel violated by the results of their actions. To have been so connected to someone who knew what had happened to me, to trust they would do their best. And to find out that they slept with me while keeping things from me. But all the same, doing better seems a good goal. And I am glad you can say you are doing better

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Sat, 07 May 2022 01:45:03 GMT

I had a nightmare about her last night. And about the person who helped get me out of this situation, my most trusted friend, someone I worry I've lost or will lose because of this situation. And they were together. And I lashed out at my abuser, and I looked at my friend, and I was so confused. Was she being hurt, threatened manipulated too? Or.. had things changed so much that my abuser could have more of a place in my friend's lives than me? I don't have any reason to believe she does, she hurt other friends too. She absolutely hurt that friend. Because I introduced them to each other, because that friend is the most important person to me. Beause I was too foolish to see what was going on until the damage was done. But, you know logically I have nothing to be afraid of. But its also true that I'm afraid, I'm so afraid. I've also been suffering more flashbacks throughout the day, intruding of memories of being close with good people. Suddenly its her holding me and I can't cope. And needing time to deal with this myself in January really hurt people I care about. It sucks to hear that person say they've never been angrier with someone than when I was reliving my trauma, because they don't know that's what happened. I told them I was having a bad time, couldn't make it. But that wasn't enough for them. And what do I even.. I understand their hurt but I want to be understood too. They left it so long to say that upset them that it feels wrong to tell them now. They pretended it was okay so I believed it was okay and now... well I already have a hard time not blaming myself for my abuse.

As far as my previous words go, I left that club council a few weeks later.

Not sure if I'm ready to talk to my psychologist about this. I wish I was.

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

mmMekitty — Sat, 07 May 2022 06:30:45 GMT

Hi CaramelCrisp,

It's so difficult to process everything that happened, & what happens now, how you feel - so thrown off-kilter, with this mess to sort out. I'm sure you have been shaken to your core, find it hard to know who to talk to, how to talk to them, & whether you can trust anyone, including yourself. I feel sure it seems everything has been tossed up into the air & has dropped down in a heap, with you in the middle.

It's going to take time & a great deal of kindness & patience with yourself.

How do you feel about the relationship you have with your Psychologist? One thing you know is they weren't involved, so can look at what you say without any alterior motive. Indeed, the onus is on them tobe compassionate about your experience & have your best interest at the centre of their treatment.

As for your friend, it's unfortunate, but the thing to remember is that when you introduced them to her, di you have even a small clue about what she was doing? You weren't at fault for wanting to enlarge your circle of friends.

I've blamed myself, for the loss of a 'friend' (really? I ask myself now, was she?), having made, what to her, were unforgivable mistakes. We were who we were, neither of us really knowing how to be genuine friends to each other, & she manipulated me, out of her own fear of not being in control & therefore, safe. I think that now, but didn't understand for a long time. I still don't understand well what I was thinking & doing at the time. All I know is that I was insecure, willing to be manipulated to keep her in my life, there would have been little I would not do for her. We were 'co-dependant' for my own sense of being worthy & hers for feeling capable. It has taken many years to come to think of this relationship this way. I will continue to miss her, will wish things had been different, equal between us, & had developed into an adult friendship for life. That can't happen now. & I think I actually do forgive us both for being who we were, both coming from hard circumstances, both immature in our own ways, both needing so much. I deeply regret my mistakes, but now understand better about what happened & why.

I know it's will be hard & confusing, many emotions, fear, anger, grief, guilt, heartache, & the questions, like how to trust anyone, especially yourself. I would suggest your Psychologist, because they can show you how to take a step back, & to help ask relevant questions, which will help you through.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Wed, 11 May 2022 09:53:05 GMT

Hi mmMekitty,

i appreciate your post greatly, thank you.

I feel quite comfortable talking with my psychologist generally, and the way they have supported me in my last couple of sessions have really affirmed that. i maybe did worry if i would feel heard before that. I just, its scary and there's so much and it intersects with other issues and i know i could just talk about a small bit but i dont know what a small bit looks like. or maybe I'm not happy with what a small bit looks like, idk. Still hope I can soon.

I didn't know, you're right. It wasn't even really my choice. i was with my abuser and accidentally ran into some of my other friends, including the one in question. I wouldn't have been hanging out with my abuser like they were a friend if I knew what they were doing. I try not to blame myself, but I guess I don't always catch that I'm thinking that way.

I'm sorry to hear you went through all of that. That feeling of not knowing what you were thinking or doing is very relatable to my own experiences.

You're right as well, I have been asking myself how I can trust anyone or even myself. And right now, while I feel I should be able to answer that, I am certain that I could never ask someone else to trust in my judgement of someone else.

As an aside, I got out of the house for the first time in a while. first time alone I mean, although I've only gotten infrequently out for various reasons. Point is, I felt so sick and nervous. This has not so much been triggered by the abuse, I didn't even question going out in December when I was getting constantly harrassed by strangers. But it was different, I was never really alone. Maybe I'd be meeting friends, or leaving after spending time with them. Maybe I would text them about a dress I saw to take my mind off the anxiety. The friends I have left are in different timezones or schedules, different states or countries. I cant do any of those things now, coupled with the trust issues. Ive been home for an hour and I still feel so sick. I say home, more place I live and was a reason to spend so much time out before that became even harder. This experience at least, everything I have said here, I know I will talk to my psychologist about the next time I see them, which is tomorrow morning luckily enough.

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Thu, 12 May 2022 04:06:30 GMT

Had the appointment, got some good advice regarding the feelings yesterday. Try and observe more of my thoughts when I'm in that hypervigilant state. What I am aware of though tells me Im afraid to run into people who used to be my friends, which losing them has been very hard and I understand their side of it too but also theres something about hearing that from my psychologist who i trust. that was traumatic.

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

Bob_22 — Thu, 12 May 2022 05:40:01 GMT

Hi CaramelCrisp,

Sorry to hear about the trauma you've experienced and the aftermath involved. SA is utterly devastating to someone's life and wellbeing. I'm glad that you were able to get some advice from your psychologist today.

Just following your previous post - remember that the time you spend with your psychologist is about what's best for you. You can divulge however much you can and can set your own pace with sessions if that's more comforting for you. It sounds like you got some good advice re thought monitoring when you're feeling anxious or hypervigilant which is a good strategy.

Hopefully with time you'll start to feel more comfortable going outside on your own or being in social situations. But those are big steps and you should only undertake those when you and your psychologist decide you are ready. 🙂

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

mmMekitty — Thu, 12 May 2022 05:59:42 GMT

Hi CaramelCrisp,

I am pleased you felt your Psychologist has helped you today, & that you trust them. I guess, I'm not sure you quite understood what you were asked to do.

Sometimes what we hear from our therapists (you from your Psychologist, me from my Psychiatrist), will be difficult, & bring up even more emotion then we expect. It's okay to talk about that, too.😸

We can observe or watch, if you prefer, the emotion, taking a step away & looking with a sort of clinical eye, & exploring it, as we might anything unusual, to see what it is in all it's aspects. It's not easy, even frightening, at first.

I enjoyed doing this, first to name the feelings I had & also to not feel so involved & drawn into the murky depths so quickly that I'd felt the emotions had taken over & were in charge, not me. I am happier with feeling I can hold them at arm's length & view them, each emotion, one at a time. When I can do that, I find the effort to do it, in itself, calms me down. & I feel more in control.

You can observe: I am afraid.

Then note all the ways you feel the fear, in your body; how your breathing is fast, or heartrate is faster than usual, or thumping in your chest, or you feel sweaty & hot, or you feel nervy like you could jump out of your skin, or you wish you had eyes in the back of your head, so you are trying to look everywhere at once, or you have tight feelings in your body somewhere, maybe your ears ring, even... so many things people can feel when afraid, I can't name all - just ask you to notice what do you feel? I think this is what your Psychologist is asking you to do.

I was told, to try to stay wit the feelings, & not jump straight into why or what the feelings relate to. Only notice WHAT you feel.

😸I hope this helps, or am I really off track?

Warm thoughts,

mmMekitty

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Sun, 15 May 2022 07:13:56 GMT

Thank you both for your responses. As always, it means a lot.

Do need to remember to take both my psychology appointments and my general steps forward at my pace. Do hope I can make it to uni again this week, but these past few days I've been feeling a lot and I've spent most of the time today just relaxing because that's wearing on me. We'll see where I'm at in a few days.

That does help mmMeKitty. While in my case she did ask me about my thoughts, I do still find your words very helpful for two reasons. First, we've talked in the past about being mindful of my feelings and accepting them, and while I'm certainly better at doing that than I was and have felt benefits from it, I am also still learning. Also, the way you describe being mindful with the feelings does echo and help me understand the process the psychologist described to notice my thoughts, to be a "neutral observer".

I certainly agree that it can be quite calming and helpful to name those feelings, absolutely helped me get through it and glad to hear it helped you too

Thanks again, Caramel Crisp

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

smallwolf — Sun, 15 May 2022 10:51:16 GMT

hi CaramelCrisp.

I have be reading the exchange between yourself and mmkitty and the mention of being mindful. there is a thread on the forums here about mindfulness if you are interested.

In relation to the matter a Uni, have you spoken with your psychologist about this? Prehaps you are not ready yet? As for what actions to the take you may find a way of moving forward. That might involve reporting to the authorities about what happened. I can imagine it might be difficult to report what happened. You also deserve some justice as well.

Listening to you.

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

mmMekitty — Sun, 15 May 2022 15:40:58 GMT

Hi CaramelCrisp & Smallwolf, & everyone,

Since I haven't attended uni I tend to forget how there may be help there, too, so thank you, Smallwolf, for the advice. I think that could be a really good idea.

I'm glad my description of the way I try to focus my attention when I'm feeling anxious & panicky, was helpful. The first time I heard about it, was a former Psychiatrist, who said 'just sit with it' & I didn't know what he was on about. & he said to 'let the feelings be' & still I didn't grasp what he meant. He never went through a description with me, simply expecting if he repeated the same words I'd get it one day... he made me feel so awful doing things like that.

My PDr now will rephrase & also ask me to tell him what I heard, & will explain more if it seems I don't understand. It feels much better, except I feel anxious when telling what I thought he said -in case I have it totally wrong, or so I imagine.

Just reading back, & it occurs to me that: how after an attack our way of protecting our most vulnerable self, who has been injured so terribly, we need to retreat, repair & regroup.. & the blanket 'not trust anyone', & including, no-one can rely on my judgement, would seem to imply 'we made a mistake - our fault', when that's not so. The attacker/s is at fault. The attacker/s attacked you - not the other way round.

You probably won't believe how long it has taken to get that through my head! I'd like to tell my PDr, but there is every likelihood I will forget mentioning it here. 😼But I know it! I know it!

Yes, I know it!😺& you will too. I only hope it won't take you so long.

You wanted a friend - is that a fault?

mmmMekitty

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Tue, 17 May 2022 14:19:04 GMT

Hi smallwolf, thank you for the reply. I will be sure to give the mindfulness boards a look, i wonder if someone else mentioned them or if I saw them when I first looked at the forum but well I'm all over the place so whether this is new information or a reminder I appreciate it. I think it was briefly mentioned to my psychologist, but the focus wasn't on my ability to cope with uni. And having a bigger conversation about that might be an idea. Going to have longer sessions in future so will be able to talk about more, last two sessions definitely felt like they ended too soon. Speaking of, very nervous about going to uni tomorrow. Once I finish writing this I need to try and calm myself and sleep.

I'm not sure about reporting... it's been over a year, and even if I had reported it the moment I left their house it would have been my word against theirs. And I know they were trying to make me out to be an abuser to whoever would listen even as they were in my dms trying to "reconcile" with me. I mean, if my psychologist wants to have that conversation sure. I wish I felt that I could do that and not just make things worse for myself.

Hi again mmmMekitty, I'm sorry about your former psychiatrist. They're supposed to help you and should not have been making you feel awful. Glad you've found a PDr who works with you now to support you. I hope they continue to be supportive. And I get the feeling of worrying about being wrong, I struggle with that too depending on the people/situation.

I'm glad you know that. However long it took you, it's a powerful thing for you to have been able to reach. One day I'll fully believe that. I appreciate you saying it too, helps a lot.

Wanting a friend is no fault. Retreating and repairing is not my fault. I.. think it's going to take longer to believe the second statement for all the people who have faulted me that. But part of me thinks that makes sense

Thank you both, CaramelCrisp

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Thu, 09 Jun 2022 10:07:06 GMT

started this conversation with my psychologist. Im glad to have done that now. Talked about uni too. Both very helpful things. Will see them again soon. Got some more good techniques, and further advice on some I was already using

My parents are yelling at each other again. I miss feeling safe, and the people who helped me feel safe even when I wasn't. I felt so horrible by the time I got off the bus after the appointment, even more than the last few time's ive been out the house. So sure I was going to faint, or be sick, or both. Still got a lot of tension in the back of my head. I mean, all of that's why I'm seeing the psychologist but yeah. Wanted to mention it.

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

Bob_22 — Thu, 09 Jun 2022 10:37:44 GMT

Hi CaramelCrisp,

Thanks for posting and updating us! It's great to hear that your longer sessions with your psychologist are becoming more constructive and that you've opened up a bit as well.

Sorry to hear about your trip back from your session though. I hope the conflict at home improves or that you can find a way with your psychologist to address the symptoms you have. Its tough not having somewhere you can feel completely safe but hopefully you're able to find comfort within yourself with some of the techniques you're starting to discuss.

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

mmMekitty — Thu, 09 Jun 2022 13:39:22 GMT

Hi CaramelCrisp,

Good to hear from you, especially about how well you have done speaking to your Psychologist. It feels so good when we realise we can talk to someone, I hope you can build on this beginning.

It's important to stop & breathe, & think about what you need to to, even as you are going home, & you feel the tension, that sick feeling & you are very aware of why it's happening: going home & that place isn't a place where you feel secure & safe.

I have to admit, I never worked out what to do about that feeling. All I did was to wait until I could leave home. I had thought I could stop myself from feeling so much by then, it was only a matter of time before I could leave home...figuring out how to do that.

I realise, your circumstances are quite different to when I was young. Leaving home may not be an option at all, yet.

I expect you will do better than I did. You've got help, working with your Psychologist like you are, for one... & your uni studies are an important undertaking, something you can work towards achieving, too.

I can't think of much else to say right now. (It's already getting late & I need to stop)

Pleasant dreams,

Warmly, ❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

CaramelCrisp — Sun, 12 Jun 2022 07:17:30 GMT

Hi Bob, Hi mmMekitty. Thank you both for your replies

words are hard right now so I think I'll keep it short but yeah, I'm doing my best to be the person who can support me. And, I don't know how or when to get out of here, since the plan was to move in with friends who aren't friends anymore and i'm not sure if I'm in a place to do it on my own. Eventually though. I appreciate the kind words a lot ❤️

All the best, Caramel

The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

mmMekitty — Sun, 12 Jun 2022 11:00:44 GMT

Hi CaramelCrisp. Sounds like you could do with some more❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

& I hope you get a decent night's sleep.

mmMekitty