topic How poor parenting effects us in PTSD and trauma

How poor parenting effects us

BOC64 — Thu, 02 May 2019 01:49:25 GMT

As recommended by demonblaster i thought I would start up a new thread about parenting and in particular poor parenting an its effects. Having experienced childhood trauma my self from poor parenting I am disappointed that there is not a greater focus on this in the community.

The impacts on the individual as we know can be very severe and I am confident that this is a huge burden on out health funding.

It would be great to get feedback from you.

How poor parenting effects us

Billyc — Thu, 02 May 2019 02:21:58 GMT

Hi BOC,

your thoughts are logical in theory,

I would start with defining “poor” parenting..

There are certainly black and white areas of “poor” parenting that always need a constant review and review and review as to how to prevent..

but then there are grey areas,

divorce can lead to two parents having a lot of spite against each other which can lead to child abuse in then form of using the child against the other parent.. yet both parents could very well be good parents..

very complex BOC.. lots of layers in this one

How poor parenting effects us

BOC64 — Thu, 02 May 2019 03:33:54 GMT

Hi Billyc

Thank you for your feedback.

I agree it is very complex which I could have explain in more detail. It is hard not to write from any other perspective than from my own experiences.

I know it when I see it. I made a promise to myself that I would be a much better parent and even though I was not perfect (who is) I believe I was.

How poor parenting effects us

Billyc — Thu, 02 May 2019 03:47:00 GMT

There’s a quote I use when. I hear the term perfect

”show me a perfect person and I’ll show you god”.

im still verbally abusing my dad on occasion because he wasn’t around. It was valid when I was 15, but now that I’m 40 it kind of makes me look like an idiot!

My ex thinks I’m a terrible dad, but my daughters hug with affection every time I’m with them, it’s going to be like this for the rest of my days,

so I figure if I keep it simple and just show up when I’m supposed to.. then it will Be ok...

what happened to you that has brought this on?

How poor parenting effects us

quirkywords — Thu, 02 May 2019 04:41:16 GMT

BOC64

This is an interesting thread. Thanks for starting this topic.

What helped you to cope with the poor parenting from your childhood.

I agree with Billyc about defining poor parenting.

My children used to think I was a poor parent as I wouldn't let them go to unsupervised parties or to places where there was alcohol served etc.

I know where there is verbal, physical , emotional, and psychological abuse by parents, this is horrible.

I suppose most parents are trying very hard to do their best and I think it is helpful if parents can get help and support.

Quirky

How poor parenting effects us

BOC64 — Thu, 02 May 2019 04:48:48 GMT

Where do I start?

I was regularly abused as a child and witnessed my mum also being abused to the extent that it would often be classed as assault with bodily harm. My father self medicating on alchohol. Although not directly sexually assaulted I was sexualised at a very young age. Being bullied at school by other pupils and staff and even once being assaulted by a teacher and made to go back to the same teacher the next day. Being told I was useless and would never amount to anything on a regular basis. Witnessing a crime and serving on a jury for a case of alledge child sexual abuse are two things that have also effected me as an adult which I think was very negative triggers.

I could go on for hours but I hope that gives you some idea.

How poor parenting effects us

quirkywords — Thu, 02 May 2019 05:52:52 GMT

BOC64

That is very sad to read about your trauma.

What do you think needs to be done to help those with childhood trauma.

Quirky

How poor parenting effects us

Billyc — Thu, 02 May 2019 06:09:08 GMT

Hi BOC

Im sorry you and your mum had to go through that.

I do understand you, and I get how that can keep you up at night.

Are you in contact with your Dad today?

Do you talk to your Mum about it? I know these things can get pushed under the rug a lot, which is why some very caring and intelligent minds got together and built forums like this one... the irony of not being able to talk to your close ones about these things yet blurt it out to compete strangers... hooray for anonymity!

My family is wretched by alcoholism.

I too strayed down the path for a while, I’m better for it now, because of my two daughters. there’s strong opinion on it being hereditary. So going back to your “how poor parenting effects is” is a very valid discussion.

Just reading into your heading a little more, it comes across as a statement rather than a question,

A suggestion if I may, throw a little objectivity into your approach to the topic, it might create some clarity and answers on the matter to help you move forward,

its difficult I know.. but removing the “victim” from your thought process goes a very long way in forgiving yourself..

does that make sense? I can waffle sometimes

How poor parenting effects us

Billyc — Thu, 02 May 2019 06:10:35 GMT

That’s a good question Quirky.. Ive thrown my two cents in on what I think and what has helped me...

How poor parenting effects us

Wilma1 — Wed, 08 May 2019 05:56:12 GMT

I've come from a poor parenting background, and I've struggled on more levels than I seem to have coped.

I was listening to someone share their experiences not long ago, and a thought struck me deeply. There seems to be damage done by a parent, that no other relationship seems to do. I wondered if it's because they are our care givers, our all as children. There is no where to go, no escape, and children blame themselves.

Interesting topic.

How poor parenting effects us

BOC64 — Fri, 10 May 2019 04:49:19 GMT

Hi Wilma1

Thanks for contributing. I think you are correct in regards to our parents being our primary care givers and that is why those relationships effect us so heavily as there is often no escape from that environment. My thoughts are that growing up in the sixties and seventies escaping was even harder especially when extended family were no better. For me forgiveness is not something I can give and I also hate that feeling of guilt.

How poor parenting effects us

Wilma1 — Fri, 10 May 2019 06:02:40 GMT

BOC64, I tried and tried to forgive. That left me feeling worse, like I couldn't ever get that right. Then one day someone said to me " some things are unforgivable". I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I do believe " some things are unforgivable".

I grew up in the sixties and seventies too.

How poor parenting effects us

LizzyF — Thu, 30 May 2019 10:38:00 GMT

Hi

Im 38 years old and am suffering the long term effects of a narcissistic father, who unfortunately is still in my life. I suffered extreme emotional abuse and witnessed domestic violence.

I am the black sheep and scapegoat and suffer from depression and PTSD plus god knows what else is going on in my head!

Trust and social issues are non stop

How poor parenting effects us

Billyc — Thu, 30 May 2019 22:26:00 GMT

Hi Wilma,

It is an intresting topic,

The dilema I faced was that not only did I have to deal with neglect and physical abuse, but I had to put on a brave face in public.

For a long time I did well on the surface, I even chose the same profession as my father because it was an effort to get to know him more. But it was his friends, colleagues and my friends that was my undoing. It was the constant “poor you” chat everyday that slowly broke me. You rely on your sorrounds to take you away from your feelings of neglect. Not bring you closer.

It is an intresting topic. My father has had a wife of 20 years now and she is now dealing with his deteriorating illness. I shared with her last night that I would have loved to feel what she sees in him and what he shared with her, it’s a constant feeling of emptiness... I don’t know why? He is just a human being... he is nothing special, he just made out to be so

How poor parenting effects us

Wilma1 — Fri, 31 May 2019 04:45:06 GMT

Hi LizzyF, welcome to the forum.

Sorry you have had to go through so much. It seems to follow us throughout life. As others have mentions here, the impacts of abuse are traumatic.