topic Not sure if i can do this in PTSD and trauma

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 23:22:38 GMT

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

Not sure if i can do this

Matchy69 — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 23:53:05 GMT

Hi Life3a and welcome to the forums.This is a great place to get advice and support that is non judgemental.Is theor anything in particular that makes your anxiety worst?Have you talked to your doctor about your anxiety?I hope you feel comfortable to talk on here.

Take care,

Mark.

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 00:19:01 GMT

Hi Mark,

My Dr knows a lot. She says ive suffered from PTD. If im truly honest with myself, I struggle with it. I dont know how to get through this tunnel of pain im in. Im trying really hard. Im afraid to just express myself and to let these thoughts and feelings out. I know im safe here. No one knows me and im not judged , well i hope im not. How do you just let go and write? Im probably sounding silly at the moment after all im the one that made this move to find a way of freedom (peace). Thank you for taking the time to send a message.

Not sure if i can do this

Matchy69 — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 00:39:23 GMT

Hi Life3a i can understand how hard it can be writing on these post and expressing how you are really feeling and what is going on.Their is no pressure here to tell your story.If you dont feel ready or comfortable thats ok.I have been on here for a while and still slowly letting things out.I to suffer from anxiety and have panic attacks over the silliest of things and i also have depression while trying raise two children with special needs.Thats a bit of my story.

Take care,

Mark.

Not sure if i can do this

therising — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 00:45:37 GMT

Hi Life3a

You're a legend! You're on track more than you might realise. I say this from my experience in overcoming depression.

with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone.

Good call. Whether it involves the help from friends, family, health professionals or even a few 'self help' books thrown into the mix, when we're seeking greater self understanding it's best to have guidance

To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all.

Deep down, you know you can, which is why you've come here. This is evidence of faith in yourself

...how do you let yourself go...

This is definitely tough. The 'one step at a time' method took me years in getting to the point I'm at now. This is going to sound pretty strange but I find a helpful mantra is 'I don't care'. Starting with something small in this area is helpful. Example: If I put on an article of clothing that I love and I know it's going to challenge others (to the point where they openly disapprove), I tell myself 'I care about these clothes and colours and the way they make me feel more than I care about another's insane opinion'. I admit, I'm a bit of a trouble maker so I'll also smile when I think 'I care about triggering people'. I get a kick out of challenging them. With almost zero self esteem in the past, I've come a long way.

We're raised to care but, unfortunately, a lot of the stuff we're taught to care about is nonsense. How does it make sense, for example, that a student should care more about not upsetting an abusive teacher who is humiliating him/her than they should care about standing up for them self during such degradation? The student should feel entitled to respectfully put an end to such a lack of respect from the teacher.

I ask myself a lot lately 'What ever led me to care about...?' I do question a lot. Breaks my heart when I think how we're taught to stop questioning so much, when we're young.

'How do I become fearless?' is always a good question. When we're raised to fear so much (what others think, whether we're 'measuring up', whether our questions are valid etc etc), how do we begin to fear less? I find it sometimes pays to question the behaviour of others. When we stop fearing their reactions, we can come to realise how crazy their conditions of us are.

Each time I let go of some insane belief system I've been raised with, that I'd been led to care about, I let go of a part of my (old) self. That's how I let go and gradually reform. We graduate.

🙂

Not sure if i can do this

Ggrand — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 01:05:39 GMT

Hello Life3a..

Welcome to the forums..

Making your first post is so hard, well done for doing that..

Its okay, it’s very hard to open up to strangers, and as Matchy said it’s up to you how much or little you feel safe sharing...This is a very safe community, our moderators do a great job in keeping us safe..

It’s okay to not open up if you don’t feel to...That’s your option lovely Life3a..We can chat about anything you feel you’re able to or want to until you get to know our wonderful community better...We are here to listen and if we can give you some caring support and suggestions...We are all going through our own journey towards wellness..with the help of each other....and hopefully we can help you also...

Its okay to talk here whenever you feel up to it...no pressure at all..

Hoping you are doing good..and your day today is a better day then yesterday..

Sending you my care, love and hugs..🦋💜🤗..

Grandy..

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 11:16:33 GMT

Hey Mark,

Thank you for sharing a part of you even if its a little piece. We have something in common. My son too is a special needs child and sometimes its tough trying to raise the emotions, anxiety and difficult situations he faces including my own. Im trying to be the strong mum for both of my kids and being on my own can be tough. I feel i live in two worlds. One where im putting on a face so my kids don't see the struggles and the other is battling the inner struggles i face. I hear myself screaming inside of me out loud . Its a terrible feeling to have . I think for me its a slow discussion on my story. Its crazy because no one knows me but yet i have the fear of showing a vulnerable side of myself. I dont like showing that side of me. I guess when one experiences the journey and trauma ive had its understandable. Step by step. Little by little .. The question now is where do i begin?

Blessings

Life3a

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 11:28:23 GMT

Hi therising,

Thank you for your post. I do need to take it in and read it again as you mentioned a lot which im truly grateful. I admittedly chuckled when you said you were a bit of a trouble maker. It shows the strength you have and have a fearless approach which is great. Im far from that but im trying to rebuild me. im struggling in a lot of areas but im not giving up on me.

Talking to family isnt something i can do. I guess when i begin to write more you'll see why that's not possible. Im finding a way to talk and i guess here is a starting point.

blessings to you

life3a

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 11:38:45 GMT

Hi Ggrandy,

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. As im sitting here an overwhelming feeling takes over that i am unable to control. I guess in so many ways its something im not used too. I feel constantly alone because im expected as ive been told that my past is my past and its my past that has destroyed a big part of me. Its made me where i am at. Its broken me and created so much emotions, fear as well as pain. PTSD is debilitating on every level . I loved what you wrote and if it means anything , Thank you. I just dont know where to begin..

Not sure if i can do this

Sophie_M — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 14:34:32 GMT

Hi Life3a,

We'd like to join the community in welcoming you to the forums. As you can see, we're a friendly bunch. Glad to have you with us. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling constantly alone - we can understand that this must be overwhelming. Our community is here for you and we hope that brings you some sense of comfort.

It's great to hear that you are seeing a doctor. You sound like a strong person who has been through a lot. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and you need to talk to a counsellor please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime (24/7) on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Please feel free to touch base with the community here on your thread anytime you like.

Not sure if i can do this

Matchy69 — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 20:50:09 GMT

Hi Life3a thanks for sharing a little bit more about yourself.I can completely understand about trying to be strong on the outside for you kids and struggling inside.I find myself crying on the inside when i really want to be crying on the outside.How old is your son? My son is 8y.o and my daughter is 16y.o both have Autism which i do to and my son has ADHD as well and is really full on at times and is a real chatter box and talks non stop while my daughter has selective mutism and only talks to close family and dosnt speak a word at school to any of her friends or teachers.Just share what you feel comfortable with and we are here to listen.

Take care,

Mark.

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 22:22:01 GMT

Hey Mark,

As Im sitting here after reading your post, my minds racing , the heart is beating a million miles an hour and the anxiety kicks in. Its not what you wrote , its because this is where i begin to open up. Im not sure why im finding this hard. Have you ever felt like you've wanted to just talk but something stops you in fear of i dont know, being judged or exposed or seen weak?

You have your hands full. Mark, your doing the best you can even though at times you may feel differently. I work with children in the spectrum and selective mutism as well as behavioural issues and i know how difficult things can be. Its a challenge constantly. My son is in the spectrum too. He was diagnosed with Asbergus when he was 6. They dont call it that any more. He has severe social anxiety and sensory processing disorder. He faints if his overwhelmed and becomes extremely emotional when he doesn't cope. His afraid of the world and wont go anywhere expect when he visits his Dad and comes and stays with me. His 19 and my daughter is 14. The world is difficult for him and its challenging constantly as he debates all the time. I do have a way of talking to him but that doesnt always work. He prefers his bubble which is home and is home schooled because the world is too much for him. My daughter doesnt understand it but tries her best too. Then there is me, supporting the both of them the best way i can and falling apart at the same time with my own past. Im on auto pilot. Im a switch that changes to different characters because its easier to hide what goes through your mind than show the world what im truly feeling. I dont feel comfortable exposing myself . I havent trusted anyone and in fact i dont. Its exhausting. When the kids stay at their Dads all i do is constantly cry. Its not because of my kids, its because of what Ive been through .

sadly life hasnt been kind. AAHHH!! Mark, i dont know if i can do this. Theres a part of me that says just write, let it go, dont be afraid and then theres another part that says STOP. I think right this moment , ill stop. Tears are flowing down my cheeks and ive an online meeting this morning and some kids to teach online. The crazy thing is NO ONE knows me , so why am i so hesitant?

Have a blessed day

blessings

Life3a

Not sure if i can do this

smallwolf — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 00:35:15 GMT

Hi,

There is a lot going on in your life. Your reaction then is natural for you. For me, when there were or are many things going on in my head I don't really know where to start. If I try to get it out it comes in a jumbled mess and then feel stupid. And I speak with a psychologist about things and she doesn't care about the order.

The people here care about each other and support each other. This extends to as well. Yes there is a limit to how much we write per post, but you can start wherever it makes sense for you. Small steps are ok.

It might not be the right time to spill everything and the one thing we can do for you is listen.

Hopefully some of this was helpful for you.

Tim

Not sure if i can do this

Matchy69 — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 01:03:34 GMT

Hi Life3a you have done so well to tell a little bit more.I know about how they want live in their own little bubble where they feel safe.If I take my daughter out of her safe enviroment I see a different person and her anxiety starts to get worst and she starts breathing heavy having panic attacks.While my son dosnt like having changes at all and has meltdowns so you got to try and stick to the same routine though that can be so hard especially with what is happening in the world at the moment.I come on here sometimes and post things in tears just to let it all out.Its nice to just to have someone to listen to.I use to see a psychologist and she was really good to talk to but i moved 3 hours from her so i havent seen a new one yet but i know i allways got that option if things get to bad for me.

Take care,

Mark.

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 22:35:45 GMT

Hi Tim,

Thank you for your email. Your right , i do have a lot going on and i feel im in this ridiculous cyclone and im trying to find the calmness in the storm. im not sure if that made any sense but thats how it feels. sometimes the cyclone / storm is out of control . so many times ive wondered if this feeling will ever go away.

I appreciate your response and for taking the time to email me.

Many blessings

Life3a

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 22:57:47 GMT

Hey Mark,

I feel like im reading about my son when i read your post. My son son has meltdowns too especially when i take him anywhere which i admit i dont that often. Its not that i dont want too, on the contrary, its because his emotions become intense and he gets so anxious that it breaks my heart. Do you know what? Its nice to know im not alone in this. I so understand how it feels for you as i go through the same thing and to top it all up, im trying to deal with me in the process.

This is probably going to sound crazy , for a while ive been having these flash backs of my past. its like a video and certain things trigger it. Certain things that are out of my control. When this happens, i get this enormous feeling of anxiety, fear and cry. If the kids are with me and it happens, i hide in my walk in wardrobe and cry. sometimes my son who has sensitive ears hears me and sits next to me and hugs me. When im alone because theyre staying at their fathers, i keep myself inside the house to deal with whats going through my mind. I get the shakes which my mind cant stop. Theyre gentle ones but enough to notice. These video flash backs seem real. I sound crazy!

Many blessings

Life3a

I was going to write my name but i cant.

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 23:00:25 GMT

I forgot to mention, do you find talking on here helps you deal with things that are happening?

Many blessings

Life3a

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 23:08:28 GMT

hey Tim its me again,

I have seen a psychologist twice recently. I struggle to open up to her and hold back. I have trust issues and she tells me that. Its obvious because i even hesitate here. I put my feet in the water and take it out because im too afraid and hesitate to jump in and open up. I have a strange way of seeing things. Anyway ive an online teaching session. The students will wonder where i am...

Many Blessings

Life3a

Not sure if i can do this

smallwolf — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 23:46:33 GMT

How is the online teaching going?

I know a some lecturers and teachers and going through a number of challenges in this new environment.

I can only speak for myself here - sometimes the same idea can spin around in my mind in many different ways, but when I finally write it down it is only a 1 or 2 things. Keep in mind there may also be other things as well I am thinking about as well. I found that writing things down was helpful.

On opening up.... I hope you don't mind my asking - what do you think is stopping you from opening up?

All psychologists are different. From what I read in other threads some are good and others no so. I guess I am lucky in that regard. You said you saw yours twice recently. It took me a while from the beginning to feel comfortable. Also remember that whatever it is that makes you feel low, makes you feel low. You would or should be supported during this time to find the tools to use to manage the thoughts and feelings and perhaps get back to that happy place. Allow yourself time to allow the relationship with your psychologist to grow ...

Tim

Not sure if i can do this

Life3a — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 00:54:46 GMT

Hey Tim,

Im on a short break. There is so much work coming through. On line teaching has its challenges but i will say im enjoying it. I still get to see my students through video and they seem happy. I love hearing them explain their work . That puts a smile on my face. I teach children with learning difficulties in a mainstream school. I love my job and when i see them achieve, it makes me really happy. They need all the support they can get and im going to give them all i have. I once was them.

What stops me from opening up? Fear.. Judgement. I dont know just the thought of it sends me into an anxiety state. For so long i was always told things never happened. Its all in my head. It was never like that. Well guess what? It was , it was all too real. I know how i was made to feel. I know what it did to me . Where it took me and the struggles i face today because of it. Im sitting here trying so hard to not cry. I feel as though if i let my guard down Im going to be seen differently. Its bad enough i feel that way. Im this grown woman in my mid 40s with these visions of .... Oh gosh!!!... Of things that took so much out of me. As a child, a teenager and an adult. I see myself as ..... mmmm... the red stop sign appears.time to pull my reigns back.

I write a lot but i write what i want for me in the now. Its weird. I have these dreams of what life should be. I used to write what i went through then i was afraid someone would read it and i stopped. I disposed every letter i wrote. When i did read them before i did that, i felt this incredible sadness. I had years and years of writing. I even wrote like i was writing to someone i knew which i didnt. Was it therapeutic? Yes.. Did it show i was suffering from PTSD? yes.Did it show i was hurting? yes . No one had ever read them.

Can i just express this? I wish someone could just give me this big hug not for anything but to say Life3a, (so weird not saying my name) , its not in your head. Everything you feel and went through was real. Its not just some stupid bad dream . Hang on dreams of events that i wish i could erase. Here goes the tears..

Many blessings

Life3a