topic 29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child. in PTSD and trauma

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 04:05:54 GMT

Hi, This is my second thread. I feel like i needed a new one as last night, i felt like there was light but today, that light has gone again.

Im not sure how much detail is appropriate here but holding in everything just consumes everything in me.

When i was a child, i was abused for around four years by one of our neighbours, im not exactly sure, it doesnt feel like time actually progressed in days and years, more in events. I dont remember a day being a day, i remember and still sometimes measure time in times between memories (f that makes sense to anyone other than me). There were so many times i was attacked, so many things that happened that i remember in clear detail and feel the exact emotions i felt at that exact point in time. I cant go into detail, im pretty sure that a rule here but god i want to let it out. Just so its not in my head. I dont know if it will help but i feel it might. The threats he made, the way he made me feel, from hated to loved and everything in between. Those feelings have never left me. The reason they never have is what follows.

He and his family finally moved away, back to India of all places and my dad actually made me come with them to the airport to say goodbye.He even got them maccas on the way! I cant ever remember him getting me maccas ever!!!!! Shortly after this, i was at our other neighbours house, their son was in his mid 20s and was always really nice to me, let me pay his computer as we didn't have one. Talked to me about things i never talked to my family about...He was a friend. One day i told him what had happened, i dont remember how much i told him but i remember his reaction. He asked me if i had told anyone, else. When i said no, he told me good,to never tell anyone then he gave me a hug, then he told me to sit on his bed. I wont say what happened next, you know what im about to say.

That went on until i was in grade seven. I know that because we moved and i started grade seven at a new school. Since then, i have lived with this. I want to go into the feelings i have about it, i want to talk about my complete fear of trusting anyone, ever. I want to talk about why i have no friends, why i hurt the one person i have ever loved and lost her and have forced my children to now face a future without me being there like im supposed to be. I want to talk about the dreams and the hopes and the fears, about the want to move on but the fear of that.

Im at a cross roads where i dont know what to do.

Thanks.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Sophie_M — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 05:08:52 GMT

Hi Richie01,

We are so sorry to hear of the terrible abuse you have gone through during your childhood. No child should ever have to endure what you have been through, and it is understandable that this has affected your ability to trust others. You've shown so much strength in sharing your story and reaching out here. Please know that this is a safe and supportive place to discuss your thoughts and feelings, and things really can improve. We also just want to let you know that we are currently getting in touch with you via email.
Feel free to keep us updated here on how you are going, whenever you feel ready.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Soberlicious96 — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 09:48:19 GMT

Dear Richie,

Well done on reaching out, and talking about such a difficult topic. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, as it has to so many others, including myself. Your story rings true to my own experiences, as I also had multiple abusers in my life, when I was also a young child. And yeah, I too do not remember 'timelines' as such, but more like details and feelings and thoughts.

When I finally, really spoke up about what had happened, it was 20 years after the fact. I began keeping journals so that I could write it 'out' of my head, and bring it into the light of day, thereby reducing it's power over me, and going to counseling as well. Having a professional to talk to was such a relief. and yeah, to have the 'detail' written down in my journal, helped to give my experience validation. Because one of the things I felt while I let it keep rolling around in my head, was that it wasn't real ....... but putting it in writing in a journal, helped to make it real, and therefore more recoverable from, if that makes sense? I just felt like I might never recover from it, if I couldn't somehow make it a bit more realistic.

And yeah, while you can't put too much detail on here, you can in a journal, and maybe even in the privacy of a room with a professional counselor. Do you think that is something you could consider doing?

I do hope that you would perhaps consider talking to a counselor about your experiences. I know it helped me immensely. Of course, the choice is yours though. I'm no professional myself. Just a fellow survivor.

Anyway, please do take care and feel free to come back here as much as you like. We will be here for you and with you, for as much support as you need.

Take care, I'll be thinking of you. xo

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 10:38:54 GMT

Thanks. I know exactly what you mean about it ‘not feeling real’. It’s a very lonely place to be. Questioning every thought but ultimately knowing the answers before you even ask.
I want to speak with someone, I want so much to move past this. I know it will never go away, it’s who I am, it’s everything I am at the moment....

ive been thinking so much about this lately, it’s probably the one thing that is constant in my mind. I can have a conversation with someone and not remember a word I said yet have a complete recall of a moment from my past that was playing over and over in my head at the same time. It’s gotten out of control.
i will be honest, I think I’m scared of getting help and it working. I’ve avoided help for so long, I’ve pushed the most important people in my life away, hurt them because I couldn’t deal, made them feel like they were the cause of my anger because I couldn’t in any way explain what was really going on. It was never their fault. But now, what if I do get help? What if it works? Why did I wait so long and lose so much? Why was I so weak? I feel like I’m getting to grips with it, I should feel good about that but I feel so guilty that I couldn’t do this earlier. I feel like if I achieve what I want, I will regret it. I don’t know if that makes sense. Because to me it doesn’t. I shouldn’t feel guilty about getting help but I do. I feel like I’m less of a man for asking for help. Maybe I’m talking myself out of it, I know I’m scared, I have been scared most of my life. But I’m starting to bring it up in conversations now, I broke down in front of my boss today..... he asked me about my kids and I just started crying and told him I’ve been so scared I wouldn’t be able to protect them, I’ve been scared since the day they were born that I wouldn’t be able to keep them safe like I wasn’t kept safe. This all started to get out of control after they were born, I love them and their mother so much. How could I tell them that. How does a father fear for them rather than live for them. I’m so lonely through this, I feel like no one cares about me. No one asks how I am, but I know that’s my fault. I just want them to know why and that I am so sorry for everything I am.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

GimZim — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 15:26:06 GMT

Hi Richie

I first want to say how brave I think you are, you've gone through so much and reaching out is so hard. I understand what you mean with being afraid to seek treatment. I felt for a long time that I wasn't worth "fixing" and then afraid of the time I'd wasted by not doing it sooner. What I found helps is thinking of other people in my situation, how I'd feel about them seeking help, would I think that was a waste of time? Absolutely not, so I apply that to me too.

And worrying about time wasted, we can't change the past which I guess is what this treatment is all about, healing from our past. I take strength in knowing helping myself will improve the lives of those around me.

I got diagnosed with C-PTSD and started seeing a psychologist about two years ago and it's one of the best things I've done. My history was like yours in some ways (childhood and multiple abusers at different times).

I hope you seek medical help as it's improved my life immensely and I don't want anyone to feel the way we do.

Soberlicious

I began keeping journals so that I could write it 'out' of my head, and bring it into the light of day

I've been doing this with my psychologist, timelining, and it's helped so much. I could remember all these traumatic events but not the order, it was just a chaotic blur in my mind. It's been much easier to process and work through since. It's very difficult though.

Sorry for any formatting issues, I haven't used a forum in a few years and I'm using my phone. Take care.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 03:34:57 GMT

Thanks Grim Zim,

I know you are right. I know i need help because ive been here before and i made some really really bad choices. If i didnt have my children and a faint hope that i can repair the damage i have caused with my partner, i have no question that i would not be on this forum or anywhere else to be honest.

Ive spent the last five or six years trying to keep myself together with no choice but to do it alone. People dont understand that, that its impossible to explain to them what is wrong. That you would do and say anything to prevent that from coming out, that if it did, it would feel like everything would collapse around me, that everything i had built to protect myself would be gone and that the fear of losing what little strength i had was so overwhelming that i were terrified of the thought of it. That im scared of losing you but im more scared of losing you because you know what ive been through. That you love someone so much that the thought of them seeing your real pain, the soul consuming depression you live with every day, the thought of exposing them to that, the feeling of putting them through the thought of the real hurt, that gives me more pain than anything he did to me. Yet ive hurt her so much more by doing that, i just didnt see it. Im so lost.

I want to explain it to the people i need to, i want to talk with a professional and find ways to change that part of me. How can i be so ready now but at the same time, so frightened to take the steps towards it???

I used to write journals, my father went through my stuff just before i turned 18. He read some of it and approached me about it, saying he was a failure to let this happen. He had already spoken to other people about it before he told me. i didnt want anyone to know, it was mine and he took that from me. Ive never written about it since. Im not scared to. Thats a lie, im scared to, im scared to talk, to write, to show emotion about it. I can talk about it here, its kind of a neutral place for me. Like im talking to myself in a way because no one knows who i am. Talking or writing, someone can hear it, someone could find it.... Sounds like paranoia as i type it, i need to stop it. I need to talk.

Sorry, im just spilling out everything now, i have to admit that it feels good to. Really good to.

Did you find it hard to get the right help? Ive seen a couple of Psychologists but struggle to open up, it just feels wrong. Is it me, am i doing that or is that normal? Im just lost.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Aaronsis — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 04:05:23 GMT

Hi Richie01

I just wanted to stop in and say hello and it is great to see you reaching out and leaning on this community for support in what is a really frustrating and confusing time for you. I think you are so very brave and the internal battle you are fighting with speaking and healing and being exposed V's remaining quiet and "dong what you have always done".

You have received some really wonderful advice and support here and I am so proud of you for speaking up and speaking out here, if this is all you can manage for now, that is fine also. I know you feel like you should have done this and that earlier and why have you not, well, you perhaps weren't ready, you needed to learn some things in the meantime to get you to this point. I think you are learning so very much Richie01.

Keep talking and great to see you back here.

Hugs

Sarah

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Soberlicious96 — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 06:01:54 GMT

But now, what if I do get help? Getting help is a scary thought, I know, because you don't really know what that help is going to 'look like' or how it's going to play out. I got help from a counseling service that specialized in helping survivors of sexual abuse. I didn't go to a 'general' counselor. I wanted to know I was going to the right place, for the right thing.

What if it works? Yeah, fear of success, I get that too. We tend to tell ourselves, even subconsciously that if this 'works' and we 'get better' that we no longer have our own permission to have a bad day again. But that is a MYTH, and a lie. We all have bad days from time to time, but success, in this instance, is in learning to live with the memories without them taking over every moment of every day. Success, in this case, is with this issue only. It doesn't mean that you are never allowed to be sad or angry or anything again. Nor does it mean that you are never allowed to get help for other things either. Success, in many areas of life, is an ebb and flow kind of thing.

Why did I wait so long and lose so much? I think it just takes what it takes. there are many MANY people that take a long long time to face up to childhood abuse. And perhaps part of that is because the mind of a child is very different and not as developed as that of an adult, and the different development stages mean that we tend to understand different things at different times in our lives. What did not make sense at age 10, suddenly makes sense at age 20 to 30. The brain is a very complex machine, and perhaps it wasn't so much about 'waiting so long' as it was that it just took the time that it took.

Why was I so weak? You were NOT weak. Please don't say that about yourself. You were a child and powerless over the actions of others toward you. You were a child, and I'll say it again; you were, and ARE NOT weak. In fact, you are now getting stronger with each time you talk about it and bring it out into the light.

Take care, and keep coming back here as much as you like. Am keeping you in my thoughts. xo

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Guest_1643 — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 06:56:35 GMT

Hi Richie, Aronsis, GimZim, Soberlicious and Sophie. Waves to anyone reading, too.

Richie, thank you so much for sharing. Relate to so much of what you've wrote. it is painful that it takes so long to name/identify and heal from abuse. Small thing but I feel that when the body and mind are ready, although it takes a long time to get to that place, the healing can begin and you can see growth and find relief quickly. There are always ups and downs and it's never "over" but I hope the jounrey can also have a lot of "wins" amongst the painful times.

I used to write myself and then after traumatic experiences I never felt safe to write anymore, even if i'm alone I have a fear that someone will read it....

I feel that trauma can affect in complex ways. I also feel that you are brave and strong in sharing here and being able to say what was too painful to say at other times. You have every right to be heard. Sending you strength and care, to get through this challenging time

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 01:42:30 GMT

I just want to push all of this away again and walk away from everything. I hate how i can want to make the changes and find the help i need one day then wake up the next day and just want to go back to everything i have always done. I feel like im two people. Strong and sure of who i am one second and then completely hopeless and lost the next. Yesterday i was planning on so many positives when i go home from a month at work. Toady, i just cant see what i could yesterday. I dont have a home, i have no where to go. I feel like there is nothing there, that everyone has already forgotten i ever existed and are happier for it. Maybe thats better, maybe i owe my children and my partner, sorry, my ex partner a chance to grow up and enjoy life without me, without me trying to be the man they deserve. They would be better off. I want to fight for them but i cant even get myself right. Im so sick of this, its like my mind just wants to ruin everything, like i want so much out of life, i want to be so much to so many people but i cant get past myself. I have done more damage than those people ever did. They only hurt me, they only ruined my life. I have hurt so many people trying to forget them and what happened. Who is worse? The monsters who broke my mind and body over and over or the monster i am who lets everyone who cares about me down, who can love so much but show the opposite. I just want to disappear, im the real monster in my life, I have caused everything bad in my life since they left me to be alone in the world, i get that now. Maybe i couldnt help it but i shouldnt have dreamt i could be happy and dragged anyone else down with me. I hate my mind, i hate me.

This is who i am, i dont know if anything will ever change that. Im sick of the hope of life being better. Its easier to accept that i am who i am. As much as i dont want to.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Sophie_M — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 02:29:40 GMT

Hi Richie01,

It sounds like you’re trying to manage a range of emotions and we understand how frustrating it can feel like one moment things are improving for you and the next moment feel like things are getting worse. Please know our community is here to work through these ups and downs with you. It is really resilient of you to continue to reach back and talk things through.

Today you mentioned that you can’t see what you could yesterday, but we can see that with each difficult day you’re able to push through and continue to move forward. What positives were you planning on yesterday when you return home? It may help to talk through what you were thinking/doing during this time up until now. Feel free to check back in when you feel up to it.

We’ve asked our Support Service to reach out to you via phone to ensure you have a plan to keep yourself safe. We care about your wellbeing and hope to hear how you're going.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 03:32:46 GMT

I feel like making the changes i have needed to. Get help, talk about me, accept that im struggling, be the dad my children need and the friend that my ex needed me to be for so long. I need to be ok for that to happen.

But im not ok, im just telling myself i am. Im putting on a face for everyone to see but inside im crumbling fast. There a void that is consuming everything.

I have this image of me that keeps coming into my thoughts at night, its haunting.Its like a book with a picture of someone standing alone. The pages from the past are full of moving images that i want to forget but as the next chapter flows on, there is just an image i get stuck on, an image of a person with a background of a place i know so well, a room where i used to hide. I dont recognise the person standing there, he has no face, no expression, no emotion. I see it in my thoughts and i wake up feeling completely alone and overwhelmed.I know this image, its the place i used to go almost thirty years ago to get away, a place where i feel nothing, where i can just sit quietly and cry without anyone finding me, its the place i hid every time they were done with me, the room under our house where i could hide behind the bed, lie down on the cheap maroon carpet with the damp almost mouldy smell to it. The Pearl Jam poster with the black barking dog on one wall, another was a poster from another band, cant remember the name but it was 3 kkk guys and a burning cross. Its like im there in every way. I dont know if that makes sense, i guess i feel like im looking at me but not at the same time. I havnt seen that place since grade seven yet i remember everything about it, i had forgotten about it but its back and i dont know what to make of it. I know its just a dream but it feels like more and it makes me feel things i just want to forget.

It cant be normal to have feelings like this, Its completely soul destroying and empty. Im really sorry i cant post anything good on here, I try but this is all that comes out. I dont talk about this with anyone, i just cant. I dont feel like its going to make me do something crazy but it feels like i might actually be losing my mind....

Welcome to my life right!!!! but thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and your more than generous words, they do give me a sense of comfort through this.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 10:59:27 GMT

And I can feel all of that, then have one phone call with my son and everything changes. I need to get through this, I might not be able to do it for me right now but i have to do it for him and my daughters if for nothing else. I’ve made so many mistakes but they are not one of them. I forget how much I have too often. I don’t ever want to give up on them. I need help, I know I can’t do this alone. I’ll carry the scars of this for the rest of my life but I won’t let them carry them with me.
I don’t know what the best option is at the moment, I have a lot of choices but have to make a decision. I’ll try counselling, if that doesn’t work, I’ll try something else. I know it won’t be easy but if it was, I’d have done it already.
I hope I don’t let them down ever again. I can see hope now where there was none.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Catie 08 — Sat, 02 May 2020 12:09:33 GMT

I have found your thread so helpful. So much of what has been said I can relate to. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. To this day my parents have no idea. The abuse was over a period of years but like you I remember it in moments and memories instead of a proper timeline. I have spent much of my adult life in and out of therapy suffering with anxiety, depression at PTSD but with no real benefits. That was until recently. It has been 30ish years since the abuse and i have finally had a complete breakdown, I just couldn't cope anymore. After a period of self care I finally felt truly ready to get the help I needed. I have been seeing a new psychologist who has really helped me to face my abuse. It hasnt been easy but i can certainly see progress. I am really hard on myself which comes from the overly high standards set for me as a child. I'm finding this an issue now as an adult. I find if I'm not getting results at every psych session I get really down on myself. (I know, not realistic!) I lock myself away, i push loved ones away, I listen to loud music to drown the thoughts out of my head, I write to get the thoughts out of my head... It's exhausting. But today after reading your thread I feel like I've found the missing part of the puzzle. I needed to be reminded that I'm not in the alone, that there are others out there who are suffering just like me. I feel like this is the perfect place for me to come when I'm struggling between therapy sessions to be supported and to support others who understand me and who I understand on days that just seam impossible. Thank you for posting your story. We are in this together and although the journey isn't a smooth ride I now feel that there is hope. Stay strong x

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Sat, 02 May 2020 22:04:23 GMT

I guess that is the hardest part of all. The isolation we place on ourselves. I hear the world complaining about all of the COVID restrictions and all i can think is that maybe they know how i feel every day. Not being able to see their friends, not wanting to leave the house, not knowing how long it will last until you can get back to functioning normally. You see the ads on TV, ''support eachother through this'', ''we can get through this together''. Where is that for us?? Its accepted that whats happening in the world needs to be addressed, its acceptable to talk about it, its accepted that the government will help you through it financially, that this is so hard on everyone. Its not accepted for us to talk about our problems, there is a stigma attached that leads to either sympathy or avoidance. So what do we do, everything everyone else is doing right now. They have had two months of what we have had for a lifetime. Maybe this will put things into perspective for them.

I have four days left until i have a month break, I really dont know how im going to go back in normal life. I feel like so much in me has changed over the last two months, So much of who i am is different, there is a hope but more fear now than there ever has been. I hope soon that i can see someone in person, these zoom appointments are just doing my head in. How can you release a lifetime of pain and regret to someone on a video call?? There is no security, who knows whats happening off screen. I will start to look for the right help, i think ive just been looking for any help and i think its not been really productive for me. Im fighting myself every day, im harder on me than anyone will ever be. I know im unrealistic in a lot of my self expectations, i know there are things i have probably damaged beyond repair. I know this but for the first time, i want to really fight for what i believe instead of running and not dealing with the real issue. Its going to be hard, really hard to open up about everything but it is going to be harder to stand by and watch everything slip past without knowing i tried.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Catie 08 — Sat, 02 May 2020 23:35:05 GMT

I absolutely get where your coming from. I wish that it was more socially acceptable to openly speak about what we have all gone through... however, I look back and think even if I had come forward all those years ago the support that is avaliable today didn't exist back then. I know for me it would have been swept under the carpet and hushed up. Today, when you decide you are ready, there is some amazing support avaliable. One thing I will say is, it can take a bit of time to find the right psychologist, it's not a one size fits all thing. If you head to you Dr they should be able to recommend someone for you and will be a good starting point.
Enjoy your month break, take it as an oppertunity to put yourself first, to enjoy some self care. I know when I started with my current psych I also booked myself in for regular massages as well, find your something that will help you to unwind and help you breath again. I get what you mean about the fear... I am still in the middle of my journey but I know I have changed so much and it is scary. I just keep reminding myself that I am doing this for me (I am married with kids but ultimately I am doing this for me).
You spoke of running, in the past when things got tough I quit my job and moved to where people didn't know me just to try and escape it... I decided this time to not run, I needed to fix it this time, I needed to face it and take control. It's not easy, that's for sure. There are many ups and downs and it is a rough road but if your able to surround yourself with the support you'll need, I'm confident you can do this x

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Sun, 03 May 2020 00:06:37 GMT

Thanks. It means alot to hear from someone so similar in so many ways. I wish you had never been through this journey as much as i wish i didnt have to go through it. If its not too intrusive to ask, Have you spoken openly about what happened with your partner? I have been fighting with myself about this for so long. I think its important but i also feel it isnt their burden to bear. I dont expect her to make things better but i feel it would allow her to understand it was not her who caused this.

What you mentioned about running, I did the same thing so often. I quit jobs, threw away the life i had, started fresh. Not sure if it was to avoid the issue or to have another issue more pressing to deal with. Like if i focus on starting new, i wont have time to focus on me, ive done this over and over for so many years....

I know i have to focus on me, its something i avoid with intent. How do you fix something you dont believe can be fixed? Thats how ive always felt. I never had anything to really hold onto in the past. I would have run from my now ex years ago if i didnt have the feelings for her that i do, if we didnt have the beautiful children we are blessed with. I didnt know how to cope with what i now had. Running wasnt an option but neither was talking. We had our issues, as any couple does, i chose to focus on them and made them worse, so much worse than they ever were. As messed up as it is, i turned our issues into a way to avoid talking about me, deflected my internal hell onto our small issues and made them the excuse. It is the biggest regret i will ever have. Being sorry wont make up for that, i dont know how to make up for that. I just know im going to do everything i can to show her how much her presence in my life really means to me, I dont think I deserve her back, I just want her to know i love her and want her to be happy, even if that is without me as much as that hurts to think of.

I would not be able to do this if it wasnt for her. I know i have to do this for me but is it that wrong to see how much i have impacted another and want to change because of that? I wouldnt have seen what i had let myself become if i hadnt seen how i have hurt someone else. Ill do what i have needed to, do it for me but do it because its not just about me. That feeling makes it bearable to face this alone.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Catie 08 — Sun, 03 May 2020 03:50:19 GMT

I didn't talk to my partner until we were married and had kids so maybe 10years or more. After I told him I didn't want to discuss it any further, for me, I knew that he knew and that was enough. It has only been in the last few weeks that we have talked about it openly and honestly so perhaps another 8years since I first told him. He now knows the full story and he said that it helps him to understand why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I am now at a point where I have selected a small number of people who I trust completely to speak openly about things and it has really helped. They're my support team and I know they'll have my back when things get tricky. You spoke about it not being her burden to bear, OMG I used to say this all of the time. I felt exactly like this - I totally get it. I am glad that I finally opened up and was able to talk about it. Somehow It makes me feel lighter - it's only been recently that iv e truely believed that you don't need to do this alone. Although my past will always make up part of who I am, I can finally see a way forward so that it doesn't rule my future.

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Aaronsis — Sun, 03 May 2020 05:07:39 GMT

Hello Richie01 and a warm hello to you too Catie 08

I just wanted to jump on and say how proud I am, firstly that you spoke out Richie01, for if you had not have chosen to come and share your story, you pain and you did not start your journey here for support, you would not have met Catie 08, and while it is absolutely sickening to the core that you have had to experience such abuse and trauma, here you are together being able to support another.

I cannot support you both like you can support each other and I can see that you are both doing that and it truly makes my heart sing, that all your emotion, your lived pain and suffering you can actually identify with another and find wholesome and heartfelt support in each other's stories and experiences.

This here is the magic of these forums that actually brings a tear to my eye.

My heartfelt thoughts to you both for the horrendous suffering you have had to endure as a child, that effects your life as an adult. Keep chatting, keep talking, keep searching and keep your spirits high.

Huge hugs to you both

Sarah

29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Richie01 — Sun, 03 May 2020 05:24:44 GMT

Im glad you have that support group. I can see so much how that would help. I need that, not everyone, just those who count.

Ive held this in for over eight years, Ill admit ive have dropped a few small comments here and there, generally when ive pushed and pushed her away and i can see that she is lost in whats going on. I start to talk but shut it down almost right away. Its so hard to cope when you see how far you can push someone especially when it is the last thing you ever want to do to that person. Fighting with yourself every day to try and be stronger for them, feeling like you can change, like maybe this time ill get myself together, ill be able to handle my thoughts from now on and be the person you deserve, who i deserve..... Then the next time you cant cope or something triggers you, you realize just how not ok you are.

I think i have felt like i dont deserve her, like im too damaged to be loved, like if she knew what i had been through, she would see me differently, i dont believe she would but the past has shown me otherwise and its not a small hurt to have to absorb when you are rejected at your most vulnerable. But i owe her that chance. I feel like its right, just not so sure if now is the right time. As meaningful as it is to me for her to know, i feel like she will see it as an act of desperation or something. I just hope when i do tell her, she sees that i couldnt tell her, not that i chose not to for all of those years.

I find comfort in your words about it, its kind of how i feel too. I just want her to know, like you wanted your husband to know, not for any sympathy but more for them to understand what they simply cannot. Not so they can make things better, just so they know why sometimes they cant make things better, why sometimes no matter what they say or do, its not their war, that even tho i seem so distant, that my actions seem to say i dont care,no matter what, i always love you. Having them there when the war in your head passes, thats what really matters. Letting them know why you act the way you do and that it has nothing to do with them and they way you feel for them has not changed. Thats what i hope for. I guess its a pretty big dream. I know there would have been some really tough times for both of you and im glad that you have finally let that part of you that takes so much away be shared with him. I hope i can be as strong as you, just hearing from someone who has taken that leap, thats something special to me.,