topic Ageing women value in PTSD and trauma

Ageing women value

Goldenribbon — Wed, 18 Dec 2019 05:52:54 GMT

I’m hoping I won’t offend anyone with my post ad I realise what I’m thinking is a product of my experiences and thoughts but I’m really having trouble or getting past themsince a very young age perhaps 9,10 I recall older men being inappropriate towards me . A man exposing himself , many many inappropriate comments , leering , sometimes ‘accidental touching , then at 11 sexual ‘relations’ from a 17 yr old boy That went on for a year or so . I’ve never known what to make of it as he wasn’t technically an adult . I have raised it with a couple of counsellors but both were reluctant to say much . I’m extremely angry and tearful when I think of it and ashamed . I went completely off the rails and into abusive relationships from there

anyway , my issue is I have zero trust in men and a huge obstacle believing I could ever have a real relationship , even though that’s what I truly want , because I believe deep down all men truly care about and want is youth. All my examples in life have confirmed this in both my personal experience and friends around me . I hate porn as In my mind it confirms mens obsession with youth and beauty with older women being relegated to a fetish .My closest friends tell me that men on dating sites their age block women their own age even though they say they don’t want children in their profile and I read that men’s optimal age for a partner for their entire life is 22 even through women prefer men within a few years of their own age . Apparently that survey was taken from over 200k people so it’s not small

I look around me for some examples to try and give me opposing views and think ok I’ve found a man standing by his wife then I find out he left for a 21 yr old ....I just feel women are only valued for youth and looks and so discarded and that any of a relationship of you didn’t get it right in your youth is decreased for a woman just because she losses the thing men value most .
I feel like I’m permanently damaged . I mean if I can’t be through these thoughts by this age . Everyone else is living in the same world as me and either doesn’t see these things or isn’t bothered by them so there’s clearly something very wrong with me and I don’t seem to get anywhere talking to therapist . In another thread a psychologist was suggested but I’m apprehensive as my experience is no one wants to hear this ... o guess I’m venting and wondering if anyone has ever felt this

Ageing women value

blondguy — Wed, 18 Dec 2019 11:30:01 GMT

Hello GoldenRibbon

Thank you for being a part of the forums and your post too!

I have just bumped up your post as there are many kind women on the forums that can be here for you. Im sorry that you have zero trust in men. Yet you have your reasons as you mentioned above in your post which I respect

my kind thoughts

Paul

Ageing women value

Goldenribbon — Thu, 19 Dec 2019 23:16:29 GMT

Thankyou Paul for you kind welcome

Ageing women value

quirkywords — Fri, 20 Dec 2019 02:36:13 GMT

Goldenribbon.

Welcome to the forum. Well done for having the courage to write post so honestly.

I can understand why you would feel the way yo do and have no trust in men and I am sorry you have experienced awful behaviours by some males.

feel so sad that you have been treated like this in the past and you have no contact with kind males.

My brothers and my adult sons are caring kind people who have married woman older than them or the same age.

I find research can depend on what the target group is , how reliable the research is, and what questions were asked.

I want to reassure you I know of a young man who runs groups for men to get in touch with their feelings and to give support to each other.

Before I had children, I went through a stage of being disappointed with males.

I made sure I brought my sons up to be compassionate, empathic males.

Your thoughts are valid and you need to be heard. I think once you have been hurt it is hard to trust again.

Keep posting here you have a right to be heard. I feel you have not been listened to in the past .

Quirky

Ageing women value

Katyonthehamsterwheel — Fri, 20 Dec 2019 04:12:49 GMT

Hi there

As a woman in her 40's I can very much understand what you're saying here. It's not true for all men, but neither is it uncommon of course. I think it has a lot to do with biology, more than psychology, as even though as you've said, men aren't necessarily looking to have children, I think we're biologically hardwired for mating, which is why men are more drawn to younger women, where older women are more likely to look for men their own age. This is just me speculating though. Aside from that, if you consider feminism, women have long been considered objectively. As objects to be appreciated physically, not mentally. I think this is changing in society, but it's a slow process.

I think to a degree, many people are aware of this, but it's also the world we live in, and some people are better at accepting the way things are and just "getting on", while some of us are more troubled. You've also had some bad experiences in the past and this is likely affecting the way you feel.

I think your thoughts and feelings are very valid, and a good psychologist who is doing their job properly, will be interested in hearing and assisting you to work through your feelings in this area. You may have to "trial" more than one, to find someone that fits with you. I went through a few before I found one that I could really relate to. If this is indeed affecting your life in a negative way, I'd really recommend talking to someone that can help you process it. I don't really think any topic is "off topic". If you're finding something troubling, then that's valid.

Happy to chat further if you like. Best wishes, Katy 🙂

Ageing women value

Flowertop — Fri, 20 Dec 2019 07:32:04 GMT

Hey GR

it sounds to me that you have been a victim of sexual assault and that should never of happened to you. It may be beneficial to contact one of the sexual assault services, they have trained counsellors specific for this area, that are really helpful and don’t retraumatise . The telephone services are also really good.

Ageing women value

Goldenribbon — Fri, 20 Dec 2019 10:58:47 GMT

Thanks quirkywords, I know what you say is true about there being good men . There are men I love and I have sons too that I have raised to respect women . Irony seem to have these problems with men until in comes to intimate or close relationships and then there is zero trust . It’s just so hard for me to get past it . I wish I could

Ageing women value

Goldenribbon — Fri, 20 Dec 2019 11:09:15 GMT

Hi Katy , I know that the argument about biology is the argument I hear over and over but I guess this is a big part of what bothers me so much . If it’s all about biology then essentially this is saying women ARE less valued by men as they get older .its basically confirming exactly what I’m feeling is true regardless of the reason . I find this so so sad that women’s value is brought down to what her fertile years are . It’s like nothing we do think feel , no matter how intelligent kind or smart we are really matters above how fertile and beautiful we look . Our ultimate value is to be ornaments and incubators and sexual toys That’s just incredibly horrible . I don’t know how as a woman I could want to even exist in a world like that . There are also so many contradictory arguments to this ie men’s sperm quality decreasing dramatically with age ,
might just seems to me this obsession so many men seem to have with youth is about power and that’s defiantly been my experience . I think you give good advice in trying a few different counsellors

its all just too depressing . I’ve lived my life as something to be used and now I’m not seen as a valuable commodity I can just occupy myself and forget any dream of a real relationship . It’s like a real relationship with a man was just a lie

Ageing women value

therising — Fri, 20 Dec 2019 19:58:11 GMT

Hi Goldenribbon

Must say, I am impressed with how high your standards are. You can no longer accept superficiality or thoughtlessness. The issue with this involves you being in a minority in finding a deeply loving caring partner.

When I think of the males I've come across who are married to older women, they all have certain things in common - they are all grounded with a strong sense of self. They are all incredibly kind and thoughtful and love promoting not only their own evolution but the evolution of their partner (a balance). One of these guys (beautiful human being) is in his early 50s and his wife is in her 80s. They are still deeply in love. They both share a love of all things spiritual (natural, not religious).

I suppose, if we're looking for a truly natural kind of person, we have to do what's most natural. Instead of dating sites, perhaps looking at places where guys are at their most natural is the way to go. One area of life relates to men who are enjoying looking into their spiritual nature. Yes, these guys exist. Wondering if you've ever considered joining a spiritual circle. Could be something as simple as meditation or Tai Chi or perhaps something a little deeper such as literally discovering our spiritual nature. Of course, instinct says 'Read carefully the manner of those who are present with good intention as opposed to those who are present with questionable motives'. By the way, questionable motives in life can apply to both genders, not just men.

Looking to such groups is, of course, not necessarily about looking for a mate. Such groups can offer a natural therapy for rediscovering our own power, especially when we've spent a lifetime of having it seemingly taken from us. I believe we must look to find our most natural self if we're searching for peace. In our effort, miraculous gifts can appear from out of nowhere. One of the greatest of these gifts is discovering that suddenly we are surrounded by a minority we click with. We are suddenly 'vibing with our tribe', after decades of searching or longing for such a tribe.

With a mid life crisis, I believe it is a call to rediscover our natural unconditionally loving, adventurous and excited self. You will find the guy who buys the sports car with his life size Barbie to put in the passenger seat or you'll find the guy who goes within to remember at a deeper level who he is. Personally, I'd pick the 2nd.

Life can become supernatural when we begin seeking the super natural people.

🙂

Ageing women value

calmseeker — Sat, 21 Dec 2019 01:28:32 GMT

Hi GoldenRibbon,

I hear you and understand loud and clear! Very interesting topic and your concerns are valid and I am so sorry it has affected you in this way. I too felt this distress for quite a long time, brought on by living with a guy who saw women in this fashion as did his friends. He is now thankfully my ex and I want to tell you that the longer I have been away from him and people that think like him, the better I have handled ageing as a woman in this world. Also, rest assured that there ARE guys out there who do not think in this way and who do value females whichever way they look or whatever age they are.

Its also helpful to remember this topic may be a cultural one and that in some societies women are actually considered more valuable and attractive the older they get! Maybe a week living in these cultures would help us both!

I guess I was a female who was considered physically attractive before her mid forties, before hormonal changes began and my MI got out of control and I feel this aged me before my time. My point is I experienced how some men treated me as an attractive young woman and how the same men treat me now (same person, same values, same intellect, same humour, I just look different) so I understand totally what you are saying. I think a constructive way to handle it is to continue to see the injustice in this and think the way you think and not the way they think. I just let myself feel sorry for people who are that shallow.

Oh, and that 21 year old you were speaking of, the one that that's partner discarded his wife for her - she will age too! Its not negotiable.

Sending kind thoughts and good vibes your way GR.

Ageing women value

Goldenribbon — Sun, 22 Dec 2019 23:44:32 GMT

Hi the rising , Thankyou for your response . I really liked what you had to say . Im not one for religion however I spend a lot of time think about spiritual matters and yet I end up really sad and feeling that I’m alone in this and there would be no men who felt similar about life ageing and relationships . I hadn’t really given a lot of consideration to the possibility that maybe there are some that think about life in a similar way so that’s a new way of looking at things .

Ageing women value

Goldenribbon — Sun, 22 Dec 2019 23:55:03 GMT

Yes CS what you’re saying is what I’m feelings . The exact same woman inside ( if anything more experienced more empathetic than when younger) and yet treated as half a person by men . The ONLY variable being age.
meanwhile seeing men getting glorified for their maturity , called silver foxes , held up as more and more successful and desirable with each passing year . All because they are not measure by their peers purely on youth and appearance . They are measured on life experiences, maturity , knowledge , stability , even grey hairs and the lines of wisdom on the face .....the things that naturally tend to come with age

meanwhile every second women are srutinised and shamed for looking older . Traded in because what they offer is not valued

dong get me wrong . I don’t envy the yoh g women a whole lot either . They are used up as a commodity very quickly and spat out . And you’re right , ageing is non negotiatabke , the 21 yr old will age and likely she will experience men not wanting to see it ..... another 21 yr old is around the corner . It doesn’t make me happy to know that she too will experience this . This is what makes me so sad ... not only hoW I personally feel this but the very cycle of discarding women, the lesser value placed on ageing women by men and society

Ageing women value

Goldenribbon — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 00:23:58 GMT

Hi again the rising I wanted to add that I’m not sure how much of this is the whole mid life crisis thing you mention , although I’m sure there’s an element of that in there with the aging things . However I’ve felt this anger over the treatment of women since even my own youth when I felt I was being targeted in that very way myself purely because of physical attractive and my age . There’s a lot more I didn’t put in my original post where I experienced situation that I don’t feel able to write about but I can say this is something I’ve felt very emotional about most of my life , well since puberty . I’ve tried on many occasions to raise it with counsellors or even close relatives but no one seems comfortable talking about it . Men always seem to say to me oh yes most men are like that but ‘ not me I’m different ‘ and women would say ‘ yes but that’s how men are , they are more visual you just have to accept it ‘ or the whole biology argument etc etc . It always felt like some hidden secret . Often women would say they had similar experiences but they brushed them off then Occasional , very occasionally women would open up a little and say the felt similar things but it almost felt like a survival thing to not talk about it .
so yes mid life is the catalyst for it coming into focus I think and for me voicing it rather than the instigator of these feelings if that makes sense

Ageing women value

calmseeker — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 00:25:07 GMT

Hi GR,

My heart goes out to you that you are struggling with this, it must be a horrible place to be and my reply to you was to let you know that your concerns are understood but also to let you know that there are men out there that really do not think that way. I know because I am now partnered with one, and he is ten years younger than me, so if there was ever going to be a test of trust regarding this issue, this is it! My partner restored my faith in guys he really did. I know there are more like him out there. I choose not to give any value to men who think like my ex.

Would it be ok to suggest some counselling on this issue for you (if you already haven't done so) , maybe talking it through with a trained therapist may help you to restore your trust? Also, if you can possibly let your mind replace the thoughts of the injustice of it all with thoughts of "gee, some men who think this way really need to learn some more about women" and "I feel sorry for people who think that way", it might allow you to rise above the despair.

Also, its interesting to note that men have there own value issues in this day and age. Poor men, some guys are too scared to open a door for women these days or pay for the dinner date in case they are crossing the line and will be seen as misogynist. Lots of men are confused about what a male role is in this society. I read something the other day about a 'man free' day in Sydney in the workplace. I cant quite remember the details but it struck me that women would be super offended and it would make news headlines if it were the other way around and it was a female free day in the workplace! So I think there are lots of men who feel under valued too these days.

You sound like a very intelligent person with a lovely heart and you deserve to feel valued. Sounds like your experiences have caused you some trauma and I hope this can be rectified for you.

Sending you calm vibes

Ageing women value

Valar_Morghulis — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 07:00:57 GMT

Hi Goldenribbon,

I'm really sorry to hear you having a bad time. You have to understand its not just you. You are not alone in this.
I have been in the same situation as you. One difference is that I had zero trust in everyone. Not just men. Both men and women. I felt its not about gender. It's about how a living being treats another living being.
So I started hating everything around me.
I had childhood traumas and bad experiences as well. And it is still inside me.
But I have to admit there are people out there so supportive and kind. So there are male friends who were being supportive when I shared about my experiences.
And I'm suggesting you to talk this to your therapist.Its something most of the women have faced. Even therapists are so different. So you have to find the right one for you. I know its not an easy task. But I'm talking from my experience. Every people we talk to won't welcome us in the same way.
But you know what you are going through and you deserve to be heard and get healed.
Hoping you will have better day!
When I started sharing to my friends it wasn't easy for me either. I got different kind of responses. Some told me I'm overreacting. Some told I'm asking for more attention. But some were supportive.
And I started being vigilant on whom I share it with even. Because at that stage I couldn't handle people not understanding me. So find the right people and share it,
And this forum is so supportive. Keep posting. No one judges you here.
I'm still not over it yet. But I'm having better day today.

Take care
Black Sheep