topic Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts in PTSD and trauma

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Mon, 16 Dec 2019 08:01:33 GMT

Hi, I'm a newbie here reaching out for advise regarding the relationship with my now ex boyfriend. We have had a toxic relationship from the beginning. This was my first real relationship and I believed he was the one. But abuse snuck in and I put up with it. My two suicide attempts have been triggered by his lack of love and lack of caring and understanding. He has been hot and cold. I thought he was strong enough, and insisted he was, to help with my depression, anxiety, OCD and adjustment disorder. He then changed his tune and said it was too much and couldn't see a future with me. He is traumatized and has PTSD due to my attempts. I feel helpless because I have given my all to this relationship only to be left feeling even more alone and deserted than I did already.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Sophie_M — Mon, 16 Dec 2019 08:34:29 GMT

Hi Nashka,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We know how hard it can be to reach out for support, but we are so glad that you've done so here today. It sounds like it has been a long journey that you have been on with your ex-partner, but please know that you’re not alone in this and that our community is here to work through this difficult time with you.
We just wanted to let you know that we have sent you an email with some extra support that you can use in addition to these forums.
We hope that you continue to check back in with our community when you feel ready.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Mon, 16 Dec 2019 12:29:44 GMT

Dear Nashka~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. sometimes one's own thoughts and resources are not enough and it is both brave and wise to seek the experiences of others.

A first relationship is a huge event in a person's life, I remember mine vividly, but sadly due to lack of experience or ill chance it can fail. Then the person can become convinced it was their only chance and was responsible for it's failure. Neither is true.

Actually it looks like you simply had the bad luck to fall for someone who did not deserve you. Driving a person to try to kill themselves is a terrible thing, and to make it happen a second time is just plain wrong.

Any good relationship is two people that really care for each other, and your sounds one-sided, being abused, using the ploy of blowing hot and cold and then departing -blaming you in the the process. I seriously doubt he was traumatized or had PTSD, Probably just an excuse - what do you think?

You are not helpless, you have been though a really bad time, but it will have given you experience, so when the next time comes (it will, it happened to me and most other people too) you can know what to look for, and if it even starts to turn abusive will have the knowledge to stop it straight away before you get really hurt again.

I'm concerned about you at the moment. You feel deserted and alone, and have depression, anxiety , OCD and an adjustment disorder to cope with too. May I ask if you are receiving treatment for these? I simply go worse until I had the right medical help.

If you have please tell them about the times you tried to take your life- if they do not know already - as the right facts need to be known for the right treatment to be given.

No, I know it is not an easy thing to straight out talk about, embarrassing, frightening, worrying over consequences - I have written things down before now and handed the paper over, it makes it a lot easier.

Also is there anyone in your life to comfort and support you. A parent or freind that cares and can share your load?

I've been overwhelmed by things before now, and I strongly recommend the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) - you can web chat if you prefer. They are professional, realistic and care, as well as being practical. You can talk with them more than once without having to repeat your details, which makes it easier.

There is more I'd like to say but that is enough for now.

I do hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Mon, 16 Dec 2019 13:03:10 GMT

Thank you so much for your words.

My first suicide attempt landed me in a mental health hospital. I was there for 3 weeks and it was a safe environment. I have been out for just over 2 weeks and my second suicide attempt was witnessed by my ex partner. He was there for me and took care of me. It was like a new person inside an existing body. I will state that he has had a previous partner suicide in the past and I don't believe he ever received help for that incident. I can't be sure if he is actually is that traumatized or has PTSD over what I did but I feel he is suffering.

I have been chasing him this week, and in particular this weekend. Pulling out all stops to make this relationship work even though I know its toxic. Finally tonight I had enough and told him I wouldn't be fighting for our relationship anymore. I feel like he likes being chased. But I will focus on myself and learning to love myself from now on. I have a psychiatrist, psychologist and am on monitored medication. Work keeps me busy during the day but the evenings are lonely. I have gotten into the habit of drinking to ease the boredom and suffering I have been feeling.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Tue, 17 Dec 2019 12:30:30 GMT

Dear Nashka~

I'm glad you came back, you sound very alone. I too have been in hospital due to suicide, and found it unpleasant but very helpful to be way from life so to speak, as I suspect you have. Going from there back to the troubles outside is very hard and I'm not that surprised you attempted to take your life again, something I did too.

I may have done your ex an injustice, if he has had someone close suicide before, it will have left a very deep impression on just about anyone. That does not mean he is right for you, or you him.

Trying too hard to make a relationship such as this work is not good, it leaves you distraught as it has not worked, and probably does not help your ex either. If it had then you might have been back in a one-sided relationship, as you were before. You really do not need that lack of love and understanding to send you down again.

When faced with grief and loss when my partner died I too have tried to drown it out with work, and for a while it worked, though I suspect in the long term it only held things up. Still it was stability and 'normalcy' for a while.,

How do you feel about the drinking? Just as important how does your medical team feel? After all apart from anything else there can be unpredictable reactions with your medications, even making them ineffective at times.

Can I suggest if you have not in fact told them you do so. It is no terrible thing to admit, and any worth while psych will have struck the problem before, understand and take it in their stride.

Lonely evenings when the mind reruns tragedy over and over are very hard to cope with. Have you given any thought to what else you can do, occupations that take the mind away for a while? I use reading - lots of it- plus movies. Unlike you I have my partner to talk and just be with. Do you have family or freinds you can visit and talk with, enjoy their company?

Again htere may be more to say, but enough for now.

I hope to talk with you again, you are not totally alone

Croix.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Wed, 18 Dec 2019 04:00:54 GMT

Hi Croix,

I'm thankful you shared your similar experience with me.

The situation with my partner/ ex partner is still shaky. He wanted his space but I couldn't let it go. I had an appointment with a social worker yesterday and asked if it would be beneficial to write the story of our relationship. Put it on paper to reflect how I felt and the experiences I went through. I was completely honest and actually forwarded it to my ex. It opened the window for verbal phone communication which lasted more than 2 hours. There were harsh words spoken due to both of us being upset, him in particular. He has unblocked me slightly from his life to assist me with my Adjustment Disorder. He has been messaging me constantly today, which gives me mixed signals. He actually mentioned wanting to spend Christmas with me before he received my email. Its very hard to mind read 🙂 Things seem to 'go wrong' after the fact.....

I do have friends that I can rely on, however they have lives of their own and cannot always be there for me. I have enrolled in classes in early 2020 (meditation, yoga) to socialise, make new friends and have activities to occupy me after work.

My psychologist, psychiatrist and social worker all know about the drinking issue.

The people at work who know my situation are protecting me and have supported me very well. Work is a distraction for a majority of the day, and I appreciate the vibe of being around people.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Wed, 18 Dec 2019 10:11:36 GMT

Dear Nashka~

Its hard to believe there is a whole world out there when circumstances and depression take over. You have a particularly difficult time becuse things are so uncertain. I've no idea if writing it all down and giving it to him was good. I do know it may have given you more hope, and again I've no idea if that is a good thing either. Maybe it is, perhaps it might make him realize more about you than he did before.

It is so easy to get bound up with just one thing, which I guess was a big factor when I was trying to take my life. The world shrinks down to a small and hopeless set of thoughts.

You are bound up in this relationship -only natural of course.

I remember being in a ward, many stories up, looking down to the ground, a few small trees or shrubs seen from above with small birds (pigeons I later found) flying from one to another. I was standing looking out the smoker's window, all frosted glass but for a small gap. I could see a busy street, with people hurrying along, small and foreshortened, going about their everyday lives.

Being isolated from it all was a blessing. I did not have to take part, and that started to give me perspective in my own troubles. When I came out I found that matters were not quite as overwhelming as they'd been before.

I hope you have reached that stage too, as there are no guarantees everything will work out as you wish - though I really hope it does.

I think you were very wise to let your medical team know about the alcohol and to make those plans for the new year. Having freinds and people at work understanding and wanting to help is a real blessing too.

Do you mind if I make a suggestion? - My apologies if you have already looked in this area - and that is to make a Saftey Plan.

There is a good one I personally find of use called BeyondNow. It is a smartphone app that you put in everything in advance you can think of that might give you a lift -plus the expected list of people and numbers of course. I've YouTube clips and books plus music and more in mine.

You find it here

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

I actually had someone who knew me very well to help fill it in, as I was not that good at thinking of things for myself.

The big advantage it is something easy to reach for when overwhelmed and not able to easily think.

My apologies for such a pessimistic post. I try to put myself in a position like yours and I think I would want a resource like that.

Croix

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Thu, 19 Dec 2019 03:48:55 GMT

Hi Croix,

I have BeyondNow on my phone and have a safety plan in place. I actually don't find it particularly helpful and may not even think to open up the app during my time of need. I will consider the Beyond Blue online chat in the future if needed. Speaking is hard for me when I'm upset.

My ex- partner has been communicating with me via text since the evening of our long chat. Initiating actually. I have Christmas presents I purchased for him before the break up which I'd like him to have and have offered to ship them to his work. He said I didn't have to. A mixed signal. Is it because he wants to see me or just doesn't want presents from me? I will just hold onto them. I have been quite good since the chat with my ex. Not as anxious in the evenings as I usually am. Perhaps I'm seeing in a new light? I now also have a social worker who I can speak to. I have a psychologist who has therapy dogs; I have an appointment tonight.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Thu, 19 Dec 2019 08:34:22 GMT

Dear Nashka~

Different resources for different people. Maybe on-line chat with Beyond Blue or Suicide Call Back Service may be more helpful for you. My typing is so poor I'd not be able to use them (takes ages to edit out all my mistakes in each post:(

Your support services are there and that's good. Actually the idea of therapy dogs is realy great, you see them around more than seeing eye dogs nowadays. I've a cat (Called Sumo Cat) that sits with me of an evening, that's therapy, at least for me, dunno what Sumo thinks.

Mixed signals are the pits, I guess holding on to the presents is the sensible thing to do. As for interpreting him saying "you don't have to" is just about impossible, could mean anything.

What do you think your next move might be?

Croix

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Thu, 19 Dec 2019 09:54:16 GMT

My next move is to not make contact. I actually feel so much better after writing my experience and feelings down. I haven't had a drink today and don't have the urge to. Watching TV distracts me and my doggy is company enough right now. I do really need to work on myself more at the moment. Be comfortable in my own company. I have activities lined up for 2020 so I lots of things to look forward to. Today is a good day. But you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Thu, 19 Dec 2019 10:49:26 GMT

Dear Nashka~

That's marvelous! I particularly like your resolve to leave things for now, and the fact you are thinking long term with activities for the new year.

It's amazing how much company an animal gives, Sumo Cat is of course 'busy' on his special furry blanket by my elbow as I type (busy being cat talk for snoozing) but just his presence is enough. It fills the room -if that makes sense.

It must be a mark of how much more you are settled now that you do not feel an urge to have a drink, again that's great!

No you do not know what tomorrow may bring, however I strongly suspect you are equal to it if things do go downhill - though there is no reason to assume they will. Good things do happen.

Croix

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Fri, 20 Dec 2019 02:07:50 GMT

Thank you. This morning I have felt a bit low, so things haven't remained good mentally. I think with Christmas coming up, I don't actually want to celebrate so that's been on my mind a lot. This hasn't been the greatest year and I would honestly like to spend Christmas alone. It doesn't sound healthy but it feels right for me given how I've been feeling lately. I will of course have my dog with me so I won't be completely alone 🙂

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Sat, 21 Dec 2019 13:14:35 GMT

Dear Nashka~

I can understand you do not feel like celebrating Christmas, and you would like just to be with your dog. I guess that might be fine, provided you did not get too lonely.

The Christmas holiday season is a special time of the year and very many struggle with isolation and lack of family over the break.

My I ask what you have done in past years?

If you felt being all alone would you consider volunteering? There are many social organizations, St V de P, Smith Family, Red Cross etc etc, who need peple to help spread cheer (and food)

Doing that puts you with people that are friendly and appreciate your efforts, you end up feeling tired but good.

Croix

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 09:40:55 GMT

My past Christmases have been spent with my parents. We usually do a Christmas eve late lunch (my dad is German and likes to celebrate Christmas eve) and then Christmas day was sometimes spent with my parents again and some family friends. I haven't been invited anywhere this year and my parents know I am too down to do anything this year. We may go out on Boxing Day to walk around. I have my tree up but haven't gone to as much effort with presents or even cards this year. I'm trying to get through each day and am working through the Christmas and NY period so I have company at least during the day.

I had another suicide attempt over the weekend. Police and paramedics broke the front door down to get to me. This is the worst attempt so far. I feel like this could be my last attempt also. I feel different after Saturday. My parents are more and more devastated and the relationship with my ex (who called 000) is going downhill fast. He wants space and time which I'll gladly give him. He's asked for it before but I just couldn't let it go. Now I need to put myself first and give him the space he needs also.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 11:30:46 GMT

Dear Nashka~

I've no wise words to fix things, I can do one thing , sit with you in these posts so you know you are not alone with your thoughts. It's not ideal as there is such a huge time delay, even so maybe someone having been there more than once might may at least give you the idea that the world is big enough for people like us.

I am worried about you, after all it sounds like your ex bf called for help, next time would you consider calling for it yourself? Please? I've found it surprisingly easy, dunno why -relief maybe? It did give me a small measure of control. Do you have a freind who is up to it or would you consider the Suicide Call Back Service, or if they are busy then Lifeline?

Letting your ex go is a sign of change -and strength. Your idea of company each day is a good one (for me particularly if they learn to be quiet).

Skip the next line if you like, I'd like to ask a hard question.

Any idea what happened Saturday?

For me looking back it was simply hopelessness welled up, no one thing. That plus the difference in me and those around me made everything all too distant - non applicable if you like.

You are worth caring for, it comes out in your posts.

Croix

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 05:10:50 GMT

Thank you. Your reply actually brought a small tear to my eye. Its nice to know I am not alone in the online community 🙂

My trigger on Saturday was loneliness. It is also all the issues I've been having with my ex. Heartbreak and not being believed and listened too causes great stress on me. I have adjustment disorder so things are just hard for me to let go of. I wrote a letter apologising for hurting people. I honestly didn't think I'd make it on Saturday and had made peace with it. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough..... if that is even a thing. My mindset is so hazy during my drunken state. Everything feels like a disaster. I actually tried online support last night through two different avenues and found the support to be very lacking. I'd ask for advise and get nothing. Your communication with me is my savour on these forums and I'm very appreciative of the time you take to reply to me.

I am worried about myself. Christmas is tomorrow and I'm spending it alone. Despite best intentions, I have alcohol in the house now and am drinking. I need to stop but have no willpower.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 08:08:26 GMT

Dear Nashka~

Well, I did look at your other thread at:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Suicide attempts due to depression, anxiety, etc

as you know, but continue on here, mainly for continuity, so I can easily look back. I did see TonyWK gave an answer and while it might have seemed a rather broad approach did if you looked though have some ideas that might be helpful, perhaps being radical is the best. I think it would be for me.

OK, what is radical? Doing things you might not want to do for small reasons -such as embarrassment.

In your last post here you have said a couple of things that give me heart, first you have loving parents who worry about you, and second you knew the main trigger - loneliness. Can you combine the two, even if it means leaving the dog with food and getting a taxi?

Parent training is hard, you have to get them to use ears, not mouths, and squash the impulse to fix, and to get hold of their fear and not be ruled by it (I've been htere). How you do that I don't know. You write letters, why not try that way?

At the moment you need support, and you are trying to get it from drink . OK for a brief time drink might lessen the hurt a little, however it is for a very brief time.

What it also does is make impulses easier -you don't have the same hesitation. Add to that overall as time goes on it will bring on depressive thoughts.

Why am I telling you? -You know all this already, so I'm just reminding. I want you to be aware right now of the extra danger, and I want to be able to have you alive to talk with in future.

It is not a question of being weak or strong, or of trying harder. Those are just inappropriate judgments designed to put yourself down. It is a question of using the right resources. The right resource for you at the moment is human support.

So how can you go about getting it?

So what can you do?

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 08:17:40 GMT

Sigh - the internet posted my reply before I'd finished,

If you get overwhelmed reach for dial 000, nothing else! As you know it makes for an 'interesting' if uncomfortable time.

I've been in lecture mode, which is all very well, but I do not wish to finish that way, it's too serious.

Now I've mentioned Sumo Cat, would you indulge my curiosity and tell me all about your dog?

As sheer bribery if you tell me then I'll tell you how Sumo got his name -fair enough?

Croix

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Nashka — Thu, 26 Dec 2019 06:50:26 GMT

Hi Croix,

Christmas Day was pleasant spent alone. I feel selfish not spending it with my parents but they understood my reasoning and didn't put pressure to be with them. I went to the movies, had Maccas, went to Chemist Warehouse (the only place that was open!) and then spent time doing some Mindfulness. A man from the Brief Intervention Team called me to check up on me which was a pleasant surprise. Someone will call again later tonight. I have spent most of today in bed sleeping. My body and brain is exhausted from all the strain and helpless feelings. I am drinking in moderation. Yesterday there were no tears. Today there are tears of what I have lost and the people I have hurt. I keep wishing 2020 to start but will it make a difference to my mindset? Probably not. Thankfully I have my boy, Ned, to keep me company. He is named after the main character in an old TV show Pushing Daisies. Ned is a Lhasa Apso and the absolute love of my life. But even in the darkest times, he is still not enough to stop me from going over the edge. I wish that wasn't the case because I can see he gets distressed. All the strangers that have been in the house over the past few months must confuse him. Me disappearing or leaving him with my parents when I'm unwell also must make him stressed.

I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole. I was thinking of starting a blog to try and help others with the same type of problems. I find myself able to dish out advice but never seem to follow my own. I have always cared more about others than I do myself which is wrong.

My ex has asked me to leave him alone. He then said to give him 1-2 weeks of no contact because he's had enough and needs space away from me. I understand and have given him space, although not being able to even wish him a Merry Christmas yesterday was upsetting. But if it helps him heal, I will do what I need to do.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

Croix — Thu, 26 Dec 2019 10:51:11 GMT

Dear Nashka~

By the sound of it Christmas Day went better than expected. You were sensible in your choices, the movies, Maccas and then the chemist. All people around even if not close enough to talk much with. That rounded out by someone from the Brief Intervention Team, which I personally think is a pretty good idea. Do you find it is a good thing for you?

I look on it as a bit of personal care in a system that can be far too impersonal.

I have to confess I needed to look up Lhasa Apso, and saw it is a smaller dog, and some people have theirs with very long hair that would require a lot of brushing. Thanks for telling me about Ned, and about Pushing up Daisies, a most unusual idea for a show.

Now I did promise to let you know how Sumo Cat got his name. if you look at my post on 31 January half way down the very first page of the thread:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

You can read all abut him, a cat transformed.

Actually you might like to have a browse though the whole thread over time. It's designed for people to share happy times. It can help to read of others feeling good.

Thinking of starting a blog has some practical difficulties, as I found out before I kow of Beyond Blue. The main one is getting peple to read it. Not impossible, but for every one started many wither away.

You certainly do have a wealth of experience, a clear idea of things and write well, all making for great potential to assist others.

May I suggest you start right here? If you browse though the areas you think might be of interest to you and find that sometimes you come across a post that could use some input from you then post. I started that way, just letting someone know what to expect when they were gong down the same path I'd been down. and were apprehensive.

My main worry at the start was doing harm, but found over time that did not happen, a combination of common sense, respect for others, and the oversight of the Moderators all made it safe.

If you took it slow I think you could end helping a fair few. Mind you I'm only making a suggestion, there is absolutely no obligation to do anything.

You do not have an easy life, however you are always welcome here,

Please give Ned a pat for me

Croix