topic Stuck in PTSD and trauma

Stuck

Anzee — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 14:20:26 GMT

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

Stuck

geoff — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 15:48:39 GMT

Hello Anzee, I understand the predicament you are in and feel very sorry for what you have to try and cope with.

If an IVO is broken then the police can be called, then they handle the situation, however, I know this may cause some fear for you and I don't want this to happen.

Can I suggest and this is important, is for you to contact one agency and there are many such as St. Vinc. but the one I'm thinking about is Anglicare who can provide you with a house/flat that's already furnished and have contacts to stop this and could possibly change your identity, suggest a new phone number.

I know that the next 2 days are holidays but if you can google this 'contact anglicare on public holidays', there may be something that helps you.

Please let us know how you get on.

Geoff.

Stuck

Anzee — Sun, 17 Apr 2022 00:28:45 GMT

Thanks for your suggestion Geoff. The issue is there really is no housing in our area, that’s why we returned to the home. The kids weren’t able to go to school or anything until we got back here because we were moving up to 6 hrs away at times and I just can’t live like that again. The girls are finally settle and back at school so they have some normality now. Even when we were in a refuge, I was put in contact with a housing worker and they said priority housing, which is obviously near the top of the list for urgency was at least a 5 year wait and I’m on all different waiting lists for housing but there really is nothing. The supports we’re actually really scared for us to come home and for him to know where we are even with the IVO but there was nowhere else and he’s hired a lawyer so he can continue to try and get to me so I actually feel safe to be here at the moment (the locks were changed and everything) but his lawyer is set on making him look like the victim so she has made sure he does not put a toe out of line since he hired her (although he has technically already breached his order, but he did it legally through his lawyer so he could get away with it) so I know he is going to be very quiet and compliant until court stuff is over.

Stuck

Anzee — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 05:08:13 GMT

So over the long weekend I found out he had a fiancé before me (he told me he’d never been engaged) and that he was physical with her on more than one occasion (he told me about ONE physical incident with a different gf and said that was the only time he’d ever been physical before me and that he regretted it every day of his life. I felt really down and upset about that because it felt like he had this whole other life I didn’t even know about when I thought we knew everything about him (we were together 11 years) then on Tuesday night I had a few friends send me screenshots of him and his new gf going official on social media and all these pics of them spending the long weekend away together and I don’t know why but that absolutely broke me, I was having intense flashbacks, nightmares and had this really intense fear that I can’t survive without him (I’ve had this fear and feeling every time I’ve left him) but I suddenly realised that although I hadn’t admitted it out loud, deep down I was holding on so tightly to this hope he was going to get the help he needed and we’d be together again as a family. He promised me (and his daughters) over and over again that he was going to take this time we were apart to start working on himself so that he could be safe for us to all be together again, I felt like the services pushed me not to trust him and continued convincing me I couldn’t go back but deep down all I wanted was to go back. I continued doing what I had to do to keep the girls safe but in my heart I felt like things were going to be ok because I was going to end up back with him again. I knew he was seeing this new girl even though he kept denying it and saying he was waiting for us, but I’d just keep convincing myself I was overreacting and making up their relationship so when they made it official publicly I felt so much pain and just felt like I literally couldn’t live without him. I don’t want to end my life but I feel like I can’t keep my girls or me alive from some outside force without him, like we literally need him to live. I know it doesn’t make sense because I have had 100% care of the girls since December and we’re all still alive, but it’s just engrained in me that something bad is going to happen to us if we’re not with him.

Stuck

Sophie_M — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 06:09:16 GMT

Hey Anzee,

Thank you for sharing an update. We can hear you've been feeling really down, and coping with the impact of all you've been through. We are concerned about you so we've reached out privately to check you're ok and offer a bit more support.

It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. To talk through the abuse you've experienced, please reach out to 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or online. They may be able to connect you with specialist counselling and support groups, if you're not linked in with anything like that currently:

We can hear you don't want to end your life, but if it's something that's on your mind, we'd really encourage you to reach out to our counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or to another service such as Lifeline to talk it through on 13 11 14. We'd definitely recommend making a Suicide Safety Plan, also. You can find out more about this here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at:

Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse
1800 RESPECT’s advice on safety planning: thinking about things you can do to stay safe
It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

Thank you again for posting, we really appreciate your bravery and kindness in sharing here. You never know who is reading and feeling less alone because of your bravery.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Stuck

Anzee — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 06:30:02 GMT

Thanks Sophie m, I knew I shouldn’t have said that last bit. It’s definitely a fear of something hurting us from an outside force not a fear of me harming myself or anyone else. I just don’t feel like I am strong enough to get through life on my own, I feel like I need him to survive my every day life because I’m not capable of doing anything on my own. I don’t know if the fear stemmed from him continually telling me I wasn’t good enough and I couldn’t do anything right or maybe because all of the support services we’ve worked with have been convinced our lives were in danger because he’d apparently ticked every lethality on the risk assessment except killing one or all of us. I only ever believed that when they were really on me about it and at night time if he knew where we were staying. But he has moved on now and I don’t have that fear anymore but I just feel like it has triggered so much fear and pain in general. I always worry that I’m not good enough for my girls so when I am their sole cater I automatically assume worst case scenario.

Stuck

That Other Guy — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 06:51:37 GMT

You are everything your children need. No one loves them like you do. Yes, he told you that you were not good enough and that's hard to shake of. I PROMISE, you are.

Stuck

Anzee — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 08:10:44 GMT

Thanks @that other guy. That means a lot

Stuck

Anzee — Wed, 18 May 2022 11:11:13 GMT

Child protection are coming tomorrow and I thought I was ready to tell them some of the things my ex partner had done (this case was started because a report was made by my therapist, I haven’t told them anything) anyways I’ve been reflecting a lot with one of my support workers and we both felt like it wouldn’t be safe to let child protection close so we discussed options and what we should talk about with them tomorrow and I really thought I had decided I was ready to tell them the truth and get a child protection order in place (his lawyer is claiming he is entitled to spend time with his kids even though they are protected people in the no contact ivo) but I have been having panic attacks all afternoon and I don’t feel like I can go through with it and I text my worker late this afternoon and told her I had changed my mind and I was just going to tell them everything was all good and they’re all good to close. I really don’t know what to do. Child protection have been so unreliable and have done more harm than good even putting us in more danger at times because they did not communicate with my ex so I ended up having to tell him he was being investigated (I didn’t tell him what for) and that he wasn’t allowed to see the kids but because child protection didn’t contact him themselves he didn’t believe me and his lawyer is asking for proof. I just feel so scared and overwhelmed because I feel like again there is no win for me in this situation.

Stuck

Sophie_M — Wed, 18 May 2022 19:02:44 GMT

Dear Anzee,

We can hear that you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed at present and that this has been a long and exhausting journey. But we hope that you can recognize the strength and fortitude you have displayed in your perseverance, as we are sure your daughters do. Unfortunately, neither we nor anyone on the forums can provide legal advice, but we can say is you should always do what you feel is best for you and your daughters.

Regarding meeting with Child protection, have you voiced your concerns to them in the past? Are they aware that you have a lack of faith that their actions will lead to a positive outcome? If not, we would recommend bringing up this and any concern you may have. Although they may not be able to answer all your questions right there, it will make them aware of your concerns and potentially improve future dealings.

Please remember that if you are feeling overwhelmed, or need someone to talk to we are always available. Reach out to Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Warm regards
Sophie M

Stuck

Croix — Thu, 19 May 2022 09:28:01 GMT

Dear Anzee~

I'm sure for you this is a never-ending nightmare, and that outside agencies have a simplistic and impractical approach to things, in fact often push to have things "their own way".

In the long term overall they may do some good, though they may well do harm as well, something you have pointed out before.

Over the years you have shown, despite you poor regard of yourself, that you a loving mother. That you have an excellent grasp of what is going on and act sensibly (and yes that includes all the things you have blamed yourself forr. No, I'm not going to repeat them here, we have talked of them before. Please just try to believe in your circumstances no one could have acted better.

Your kids are settling down, which is a huge bonus, and you did mention (forgive me if I got it wrong - that you have someone new as a friend. All that of course under the cloud of your ex's threatening presence. Maybe inch by inch you are getting there

May I suggest that even though you have the strong temptation to say to Child Protection that all is good this is not a way you will be happy with in the future - even if it does make them go away right now.

OK, so setting out in detail what has happened may well be beyond you at the moment, and fear they will make matters worse holds you back.

Is it possible to steer a temporary middle course and simply say you do not wish to talk to them at least for now as past experience leads you to believe there is a possibility they will make matters worse. Also that your mental health is very precarious and you are not up to anything further now.

Then leave it at that. No explanations, no further talk now.

This approach (they will no doubt want to argue or ask why) does not close the door for the future, does not exonerate your ex and allows describing the truth later on if you need to to be effective.

I know what I'm offering as a thought for you to consider is not an easy thing, however you have done many seemingly impossible things in the past and still very much have my admiration.

You may also like to consider either having someone with you or just handing over a note.

If I remember last time we spoke (sorry if I've remembered wrong) both you mother and sister were difficult and did not support you - is that still the case?

Also may I ask if you do have anyone to support you, not prod you into ill-advised actions, but listen with sympathy and care?

I hope to hear from you again

Croix

Stuck

Anzee — Thu, 19 May 2022 23:34:33 GMT

Yesterday was a mess and I’m still recovering but once I’m in the right headspace I will go through what happened. Thanks for checking back in.

Stuck

Anzee — Fri, 20 May 2022 03:58:39 GMT

I don’t know what it is, but something about yesterday has triggered massive trauma recall today, flashbacks and shaking uncontrollably. I’ve tried distracting myself by cooking but I just kept dropping things because of how much I was shaking. I wish the brain could just wipe memories from the mind and body completely instead of just the images. Definitely not feeling the best today. I have a therapy session tomorrow thank god but I just wish this would all go away…

Stuck

Sophie_M — Fri, 20 May 2022 05:45:49 GMT

Hi Anzee,

We're sorry to hear you're dealing with trauma recall today. It sounds incredibly difficult, we hope you can be kind to yourself and give yourself some space while you're going through this. Sharing here is a great step, so thank you for being open and letting us know what's going on.

If you'd like to talk it through with someone on the phone, Blue Knot are available every day between 9-5 (AEDT) on 1300 657 380. Their counsellors are experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. Our Support Service is, of course, here for you 24/7, too.

Hopefully the community will spot your post at some point, til then, thank you for sharing what's happening.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Stuck

Leisa68 — Fri, 20 May 2022 06:05:42 GMT

Hi Anzee,

You seem to be going through a lot, I'm sorry for you. I know what it is like. Only recently I was going through the same thing, shaking, unable to control my thoughts and flashbacks. They are so very disturbing and the worst thing is that you feel so very alone in this. My mother left my father two times also, only to go back to terrible trauma. Due to my past, I have PTSD and terrible chronic depression which has caused a great deal of pain in my life. My sister has this also and is going through a painful time with her partner who is similar to our dad. This behavior affects kids terribly.

Besides your psych is there some other support for you and your daughters? Family? I understand when you are going through panic attacks and shaking, it would be hard to contact support and go through your story again and again but this guy's behavior has me very worried for you. Can Centrelink help you?

I'll say a prayer for you, I really hope you get some relief soon. I know you are doing what you can.

Leisa68

Stuck

Anzee — Fri, 20 May 2022 08:30:35 GMT

So yesterday morning I did what I do best and tried to push my support worker away. She’s fairly new to the scene and I instantly had a connection with her. I felt like I was using her too much, was too attached, all those things I do when I have someone significantly older and who shows support and compassion (I guess these are the qualities I wish my mum had towards me). We had organised for her to come prior to CP so we could talk through everything and what we wanted to say etc but because I had done the whole why do you put up with me, I was so distressed and completely hated myself so was in bed crying a lot. My support worker arrived a few minutes before CP were due I let her in and went straight back to my room and under the covers crying, she quickly realised what was going on and was amazing, she let the workers in and took them to start the meeting, explaining I was just feeling really scared etc. I went out to join them after a bit and I asked the CP worker why my ex wasn’t aware of any of the investigations and that his lawyer was claiming he was entitled to have his kids because of them etc. they said I have to go to family court and get a final order against him that will last until the girls are 18. I said there is no way I can do that, look at me already and my support worker really advocated for the effect on my mental health and how it would not be sustainable going through court at this time, but they pretty much said that was what I needed to do

Stuck

Anzee — Fri, 20 May 2022 08:58:18 GMT

Hi Leisa68,

thanks so much for responding to my post and sharing your story. I do know deep down that this is what’s best for my girls and I have to keep them away from him (they are terrified of him and want nothing to do with him) but I so often feel that with my poor mental health I’m not better for them and I just wish they had another option, I wish they had someone more, someone better, someone stronger etc. I lost our families and most of our friends when I first left him early last year, I struggled so much with this as I always thought I had a super strong family bond with my family and members of his family had admitted things to me about my ex and we were super close but once child protection became involved he went around telling his sob story and soon everyone was completely against me and I was so alone. I have one truly amazing friend in which I don’t know if I’d still be here without her (she is also significantly older than me and has even joked she will adopt me so I can have a good mum haha) a have a few other friends but I don’t talk to them much about any of the stuff going on.

My ex did do something really bizarre to mess with my head when we had to live with my mum for a few weeks, my mum denied it would have been him and said my nana had made it up and was awful to her (my nana) about it. When we got to come home I sent her a photo of the evidence he had left for me to find so now my mum is kind of nice to me. I still don’t talk to her much at all and I’m definitely not ready for a relationship with her but at least she now believes what my ex is capable of, and my sister has seen a few things too so we talk a little (she apologised for not believing me) but still not very close.

I hope your sister can come through her situation 😞 I never realised how much generational trauma comes through and effects so many of us.

Stuck

Leisa68 — Sat, 21 May 2022 03:39:58 GMT

Hi Anzee,

You are stronger than you know. You are going through an awful testing time, I don't think I could be as strong as you are. I'm so sorry that your family has not given you much support, that must be very hard and disappointing. I know you are thinking of your two children through this.

It would be good for you if you could hold on to your support worker, she sounds very helpful. It sounds like things will not resolve quickly in this situation particularly since a lawyer is involved. I can only imagine what it would be like to have strangers involved in your situation, but you definitely need everyone you can get to support you.

I don't have any magic words, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are strong and I hope that there is a good outcome here for you and your girls.

Leisa68

Stuck

Anzee — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 04:29:43 GMT

I have reached that point again, where it all feels too much and I don’t feel like I’m able to continue being the sole parent.

As far as I know child protection have closed their case against the kids dad and I feel like I have reached breaking point so have been thinking about whether to let him see the girls again. I know it is very likely them seeing him will undo all the hard work we’ve done in the last 6 months and their world will be turned upside down again, school will be unsettled and scary and the anger and tantrums will be back for the youngest, but I just don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m at breaking point and I can’t keep doing this alone but I don’t want to put the girls back in a position where they’re scared and at risk of being traumatised again. Why haven’t they made a place for single mums in this position 😭 child protection were the opposite of helpful and had no support to offer, even when questioned by one of my workers how they (CP) expect me to do this on my own so I really am out of ideas. At the moment I’m kind of asking myself which ones worse? For me to reach tipping point, or for them to see their dad again?!?!

Stuck

Croix — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 11:25:16 GMT

Dear Anzee~

It's very hard and I can't suggest either way what might be best. Two horrible choices.

I can say something that might help. You are the one stable loving person in your children's lives. That is terribly important, to have an anchor, an oasis of love and care and consitency, is what children need above all else - and you offer that.

So to do anything that risks you may leave them with less refuge than they have now, and less able to deal with toxic others.

It is sometimes a mistake to see oneself as an infinite reservoir of strenght when protecting loved ones, sadly that is never the case and your own circumstances, resources, limits and ongoing well-being have to be taken into account. (That's a fancy way of saying we just do the best we can)

Croix