topic Family covered up sexual abuse in PTSD and trauma

Family covered up sexual abuse

Elle42 — Sun, 28 Jun 2020 04:52:06 GMT

My uncle tried to groom me starting from when I was 12 (He would pay special attention to me). I didn't realise his intentions until I was about 14 and he started sending me emails that were inappropriate. At first I just emailed back until a particular email confirmed the way he felt about me. At the same time, my parents told me they would organise a skiing holiday for me in new Zealand where my uncle lives. His wife (mums sister) would come to Australia for a visit while I would go there and be with my uncle and my two cousins. I realised that this way his way of getting me all alone so he could potentially do more than just flirt by email. I told my mum and she said she would keep me safe and make sure I was never alone with him and to cut off emails with him.

She said we couldn't tell anyone else because it would hurt our family. I didn't have to see my uncle often, but he would come to Australia for big family events. When I was around 24 I told my aunty what had happened. My aunty almost seemed relieved as he had accused her of being crazy every time she got angry about his attention to younger girls. She still didn't want others to know and I respected that.

Now I'm 27 and in therapy again for some recent panic attacks. The night of my last appointment we talked about my mum covering this up I was a mess. All I could think about was what he did and how she valued everyone else's feelings over my own. I kept thinking what if he abused me as a young child and I don't remember (I realise this is unlikely but I'm a paranoid person and don't remember much of my early childhood due to bullying). I didn't go to work the next day and spent it either asleep or crying. That night I rang my mum still in a bad state and asked her if she could talk to my aunty about uninviting my uncle to my wedding in October. I said maybe he could say he needs to work or make another excuse. My mum's response initially was that it would be an awkward conversation for her but I explained what had hurt me so much and how it still does. She agreed to talk to my aunty. The next day she told me that she ended up telling my dad. I haven't talked to her since and I'm nervous to hear what happened when she talked to my aunty and to know how my dad is taking it. I'm happy he knows but it's all a lot right now. I've felt so on edge all week.

Family covered up sexual abuse

Sophie_M — Sun, 28 Jun 2020 05:05:11 GMT

Hi Elle42,
Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so sorry to hear about what you have been through. We are so glad that you had the courage to reach out here. Our community is here for you.

We can hear that this is a really tough time for you and we are glad to hear that you are working through these experiences in therapy. We would urge that you contact 1800RESPECT if you are feeling overwhelmed at home and you need to talk something through in the moment. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey and let us know how we can help you through this time.

Family covered up sexual abuse

ecomama — Sun, 28 Jun 2020 05:27:55 GMT

Dear Elle42

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, this should never have happened to you as a young girl or anybody at all.

I think you have to reach out further for support ie beyond your family and I'm relieved to hear you are getting help from a therapist.

You will find more strength in others outside your family because to me they are very weak people indeed.
IMO they should have reported this behaviour to Authorities and then leave it in their hands. Who knows what else he has done. It's absolutely disgusting.

You can report this yourself and if you need a Support Person to go with you to Police then you can contact the Red Heart Foundation via FB. I couldn't have gone through what myself and my family have gone through without them. Most of this group's work is not public at all.

1800RESPECT are incredible for support. They can refer you to all sorts of help and they are an invaluable resource for you to access 24/7. You can phone them confidentially or you can give them your name so that each time you phone, their support is more cohesive and consistent. They are gems. Please phone them anytime you feel overwhelmed. Or any time full stop. It's no wonder at all that you're having panic attacks. Huge hugs darling girl, I am really feeling your pain right now.

You need alot of support to actually recover from this torment. The Blue Knot Foundation website pages may make you feel like you're not alone. There are stories there that may make 100% sense to you and in a weird way they are comforting.

I hope you don't feel so alone but this can be an extremely isolating experience.

Lots of love and healing
EM

Family covered up sexual abuse

Elle42 — Sun, 28 Jun 2020 06:43:21 GMT

Thank you for your response and to hear that you understand. I definitely have a therapist I'm seeing every fortnight at the moment. I did have mental health issue before his advances (made me an easy target) so I've done a lot of therapy in the past as well. I'm not sure going to any authorities would be very helpful considering her lives in another country. And he technically didn't break a law that I can tell as he never physically touched me. I'm very lucky that I was in a position to stop his advances before that ever happened. Thankyou for the other resources to look into.

Family covered up sexual abuse

ecomama — Mon, 29 Jun 2020 06:17:50 GMT

Dear Elle42

I understand that NZ and Australian authorities do work very closely together.

I also understand that evidence of "grooming" is breaking the Law.
Ofcourse I also understand that such a long time has passed since you were a child, so evidence would be difficult to obtain.

Still it MAY make you feel alot better, maybe validated more than we can do here, by calling and speaking to a Police Social Worker. Our experience with them on separate occasions is that have a stirling record with supporting us anyway.

The very least your family can do is not have him at your Wedding. I hope his exclusion can happen.

I also wish you all the very best for your Wedding. I hope it's a wonderful day and that your marriage is equally as wonderful.

Love EM

Family covered up sexual abuse

BOC64 — Tue, 30 Jun 2020 08:04:17 GMT

Hi Elle42

What happened to you was wrong and illegal. I to was being groomed as a child and it has only recently that with the help of my psychologist I realised that is exactly what had happened. As a young teen boy I develop physically very early and regardless of the fact the person was a women it was very wrong and illegal. It has effected me deeply given the person was a relative also.

IMHO as the bride you have every right to say who can be at your wedding.

Family covered up sexual abuse

InhaleExhale — Wed, 01 Jul 2020 02:09:34 GMT

Hi Elle42,

Sorry to hear that you’re not in a good way right now. I hope that your dad knowing will help to bring you some relief and more support during this time. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and nervous at the moment due to everything that is happening which is complete understandable.

Best of luck with your wedding. We would love to know how you are getting on.

InhaleExhale.

Re: Family covered up sexual abuse

Elle42 — Fri, 31 Mar 2023 11:07:06 GMT

I know this was a long time ago but I did come around to going to the police. I was triggered by another family member (not a close one) being convicted of childhood sexual abuse from when he was a teacher. And hearing my family diminish what happened to those poor pupils brought up a lot. I only talked to my dad once so far about the abuse with my uncle - he brought it up last October. That was when my aunty died of cancer and unfortunately I couldn't be there for my mum because I didn't want to go see my uncle. My dad also refused to see him and so couldn't be there for my mum. I think knowing that I wasn't going to be "cutting off" my aunt from the family as she is now gone was what finally convinced me to come forward. I loved her a lot but she's not here to keep me silent. The officer I saw seemed nice enough but she kept exclaiming "what!" When reading the gross things in his emails. So that was uncomfortable. She also said that she would have me talk to a detective if I wanted to take it further than just a report (go to court). However she rang me at work the next day to tell me it wasnt illegal and that I wasn't in danger after talking to detectives. I also unexpectedly received a call from family services without warning checking if I was safe before that also while at work. I felt just as bad as when my mum dismissed what he did as just a silly mistake. I'm not doing very well and not sure where to take it further. I suppose the police don't have unlimited resources but I do believe he hurt others. I am getting 22 hours of free counselling through my psychologist with victims services and seeing a psychiatrist again in May.

Re: Family covered up sexual abuse

Eagle Ray — Fri, 31 Mar 2023 13:17:37 GMT

Hi Elle42. Feeling dismissed in this situation is really hard, especially as it also brings up what you were feeling from your mum’s response when you first told her. I think one really important thing is you have your psychologist as a witness which helps to validate your feelings and experience. You have had the courage to go through with the report which is really admirable. I don’t know if there is anything more you could do on that front, but you could possibly get an idea about that from 1800RESPECT.

But I think most importantly right now is your need to feel supported, so I would share how you’re feeling with the psychologist. One thing I can think of based on my own experience is developing ways to feel safe in the world and work through feelings of non-safety that might still be lingering. I did some somatic-based therapy with my psychologist in relation to one of the assaults I experienced, and that helped relieve physical symptoms that were stuck in my body that also manifested as panic attacks. Those symptoms are gone now from what actually happened years earlier, so your psychologist may have an idea of how to work through those kinds of things if they’re still affecting you. When family is not supportive in a situation like what you experienced, that’s when some trauma stuff can get stuck without a feeling of there being a recourse for safety and support. And I feel like that’s why establishing a sense of safety and support now might help as an antidote for the lack of familial support and the experience with the police report.

One thing you can do is look to the people around you who are there for you, who may not be your family of origin, but are people you trust and have your back. It’s knowing there are people who are a support network, while coming to an acceptance that family may not be there for you as you would hope.

Also, focusing on whatever is grounding for you may help (spending time in nature, hobbies, whatever works). It’s like building up your own sense of validation and identity and looking to the things that bring you feelings of peace and connection. If it’s any encouragement, I am healing from multiple things, including a lack of support from family. Most importantly you need to feel seen and heard, so see if you can look to the people and situations that provide that to you in life, and know you are not alone.

Re: Family covered up sexual abuse

Elle42 — Fri, 31 Mar 2023 23:56:51 GMT

Thankyou for your response to this and to my other reply. I appreciate the ideas of ways to help. I think I will give it a go talking to the hotline. I'm also trying to find a therapy that will work for me to process these feelings. I do find it very hard not to dissociate during sessions so that has been a bit of a block. My psycho suggested psychotherapy but that I should start a bit later in the year when the death of my aunt isn't so fresh and I'm less triggered. But my psychologist also suggested more of a sensory based approach. I think it will just be a lot of trial and error. I have been focusing a lot of my mind to postgraduates studies for work and I think that help take my mind elsewhere. And when I'm able to gardening does help.

Re: Family covered up sexual abuse

Eagle Ray — Sat, 01 Apr 2023 04:46:49 GMT

Hi Elle

There’s a few sensory/somatic oriented approaches I’m aware of - sensorimotor psychotherapy, somatic experiencing and Hakomi. They or may not be the right thing for you but just thought I’d mention them in case you want to explore them. I’ve done somatic experiencing which I was drawn to as it went below the level of the cognitive, thinking brain to where deeply held memories are stored in the nervous system at a somatic level, and I knew that’s where I needed help. But everyone is different with what resonates with them. I dissociate a lot so I empathise. I find it’s getting a bit better as I process over time. I think knowing it’s how your mind-body has acted in the past to protect you can help, and it’s gradually establishing safety in the present which can begin to alleviate it somewhat as you become more grounded in the present. I find gardening helps too. All the best with your studies and healing.

Re: Family covered up sexual abuse

Elle42 — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 23:20:13 GMT

Another update I guess if anyone is interested. I ended up getting legal advice in regards to my police report that in NSW grooming isn't illegal on its own. If it was sharing explicit content or physical abuse yes but not just the grooming itself. This was frustrating to hear but I was told that the NZ law is different so if I can manage to get a report on their system something may happen. Trouble is as I'm not a resident there I can't report to police directly. I tried speaking with the family violence court advocate service to get more answers from police. I also rang the local police to ask if they had spoken to NZ detectives or if they could pass that onto them. Unfortunately as they found no evidence of anything criminal they said they cannot pass this matter on to NZ police. However the officer told me to try ringing their equivalent of crime stoppers because they would take the report regards of where I live as it is anonymously. I did chose to give the truth of where I live and my name but stressed that I thought he may have abused others through the local school that he did a school program with teenagers. I really do hope this at least leave a paper trail there even if they do not follow it up.

Re: Family covered up sexual abuse

Elle42 — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 23:23:55 GMT

The even harder update is that I confronted my parents to tell them about my police report. To tell them how the actions of covering it up hurt me. And to tell them that I would be sharing it with other family members (including my mum's other sister). It's just too hard for me otherwise at family gatherings having to sit through them innocently talking about my abuser. I also made the difficult choice to tell his children (my cousins). They fully support and believe me and will be confronting their dad. I can't help but feel I've dropped a bomb on these family members but overall everyone had been very validation and supportive.

Re: Family covered up sexual abuse

Eagle Ray — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 22:59:05 GMT

Dear Elle42

It’s great you’ve had the courage to follow through with all of those things. It’s sounds like you are getting practical info and advice from the authorities even if they are not able to take it further, at least for now.

I’m really glad you’ve had validation and support from family members. It can make a big difference. I think it actually helps you heal too. It sounds like your uncle will have to face his actions at some level, in the context of family at least.

I hope you feel some sense of relief that you’ve communicated these things and how they’ve impacted you. Finding your voice and speaking the truth can be a catalyst for healing, especially when you have some support around you. Take care and all the best going forward.