topic Feeling anxious about home in PTSD and trauma

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 00:32:52 GMT

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

Feeling anxious about home

Aaronsis — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 03:58:57 GMT

Hi Curious77

I am really sorry to hear that you are feeling like your father is psychologically abusing you, that you are suffering from anxiety about living with him and that the relationship has also impacted your ability to retain friends and have better relationships with other family members also. I am really pleased though that you have reached out here to get some support and some comfort through what I can imagine is a really difficult time. We are here to support you and to listen and also perhaps give you some tips to help build your self esteem and self confidence, which may also help in managing the relationship with your dad.

I think firstly my question to you is although you mention you are struggling with other relationships with family and friends, is there someone that you can stay with for awhile, while you get some support and figure out what the next move is for you? If living with your father is causing you this much pain it might be time to have a break from these living arrangements and to seek some alternatives if possible.

Which leads me to my next point of having people to talk to, to support you through this time. Do you have anyone that you can share this with, to get some support?

I am not sure what your father's situation is but can I perhaps suggest that maybe he is also going through a tough time and while it is never an excuse to treat people badly, it may explain why he is lying to you. Maybe there are things he simply does not want to share with you or even admit to himself so the easiest way is to lie to save face or embarrassment even. Maybe he is going through some financial or emotional troubles and this does impact the way he speaks and treats you and does come off as harassment when in fact he is struggling to communicate himself. I am not sure if this is recent or if he has been like this for awhile but perhaps too the recent situation with COVID is also impacting him.

I am not trying to make excuses for him, as I said before it is never ok to treat people badly, however we just might need to consider what he is going through.

I am so very sorry you are feeling like this. Do you have some hobbies or interests that you enjoy doing that could, when we do resume normality, mean you could join a club or the like, to meet some new people and potentially new friends?

We are here to chat to you Curious77, and to support you through this time. I am sorry things are really hard for you at the moment.

Hugs

Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 04:49:08 GMT

Thank you for your reply Sarah.
The only person that I can think of living with is my mum but she lives in 50+ age accommodation so I cannot live with her. I also do not like discussion my father with her as it triggers trauma that she experienced with him so I do not want her to suffer. Ever since I can remember my father has been a bully and controlling through lying and attacking so maybe it stems from childhood. I think I am suffering from trauma as well I feel anxious and scared of getting close to other people and my nervousness probably comes across like I do not like them. I also feel a great deal of shame as I feel like a failure which affects my ability to meet people. I just look at other people's lives and I think why am i such a failure. I do enjoy having small talk with people at my local library when it is open as I like reading but no other interests.
Again thanks for your response.

Feeling anxious about home

Aaronsis — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 06:11:23 GMT

Hi Curious77

That is certainly hard to live with if you do feel bullied by your father. I can see from what you are saying that your mother struggles with his past behaviours too so maybe someone to chat to about this could be really helpful for you. How would you feel about some professional counselling? To get some of these issues out and to help to get some resolve for you and some peace? It must be so very hard to struggle to get close to people and to feel comfortable and to be able to feel supported and have close relationships with people. I am so sorry that you are living with trauma and have these feelings every day. Maybe some professional help might be just what you need, what do you think?

Feeling shame and feeling like a failure are really horrible feelings to have to manage also, if you wanted to talk about why you were feeling like this I am happy to listen, only if you feel comfortable to.

Chat some more to you really soon Curious77.

Hugs

Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 22:34:19 GMT

Hello Sarah,

Yes I probably do need professional help, I just feel like the weight needs to be taken off my shoulders and not be so stressed and worried all the time.
The thing that I feel the most shame about is that I did not realise that my father was abusing me and did not care about me until recently and that I have wasted my life on him without it being reciprocated and how I have been stuck in my life and missed opportunities because of his selfishness and sabotage. He kept making it difficult for me to hold down jobs for example and I just feel stupid that I did not realise he was working against my interests and I have essentially been helping my enemy by being controlled like that.
I just feel like how much better I would be emotionally towards others instead of pushing them away if I did not allow him to manipulate me like that through feelings of shame and my emotions being played with.

Thank you so much for letting me get things off my chest by listening and offering advice.

Feeling anxious about home

Aaronsis — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 23:37:34 GMT

Good Morning Curious77

I am really happy to hear that you are considering that maybe some professional support might be a good idea for you. I think that they will help you to explore ways to rebuild you, to gain some self confidence and to find ways to manage living with your father, if that is what you are going to choose to do. I am still hoping that you can explore the idea of moving out, perhaps a share house where you rent a room to reduce costs somewhat. This way you can make a fresh start and start to rebuild you, to make some choices that make you feel happy and give you pride in you and your life.

Can I say to you though you have most certainly not wasted your life, you still have the rest of your life ahead, I think that anything learnt in life is never a waste. You have woken up, your eyes are wide open and you are now aware. How were you to know as a child that this behaviour was not acceptable, it was all you knew. You had nothing to compare it to, this is not your fault. You are the child he is the adult and you didn't allow him to do this to you, that is what was taught and shown to you, how were you to know that this was not good behaviour?

The thing is that you do now and I can bet that you are not going to let this continue and you can call him out on the way he treats you, tell him you will not accept that behaviour, or will not be spoken to like that, you don't have to be aggressive or rude, you just call out the facts. I think you have made some wonderful progress in realizing how you do want to be treated, this is never a waste, you know now and you can put and end to that abuse.

I think it is time to surround yourself with people who make you feel good, well when we are able to, to make some choice regarding where you live and to also reach out to some support, it might be here, it might be through a GP, whatever you feel is best for you. You can join groups that interest you and make some friends and start a new journey in your life, made my good choices that make you feel worthwhile and happy, how wonderful.

I am so sorry you are feeling shame but I hope you can see that the shame does not lay with you, you have done nothing wrong.

Chat some more to you Curious77 and hope that today brings you something to make you feel good about you, to bring a smile to your face.

Hugs

Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

mocha delight — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 01:11:17 GMT

Hi curious77 I sorry to hear about what your going through and if you ever need to chat I’m here for you ok 🤗

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 04:23:39 GMT

Hello Sarah,

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, your thoughts are so positive.

I have decided that me and my father have come to an impasse and we cannot move forward because it seems that he has adopted a deny everything approach and that I am miss reading everything even physical things done in front of me. I do not even think he sees me as a person who has the human right to make decisions and live my life as he seems to be ignoring that I hate him and still tries to act as if everything is fine and is trying to force me to interact with him as if I do not know that he is trying to manipulate me. He seems incapable of accepting the situation has changed and my views on him are very different to before. I do not know how he sees me but maybe like a toy he can play with.
I just feel so tender and wounded and do not know if I could cope with shared housing but my situation is really bad so it would be worth looking into and see if anything that I feel comfortable with pops up and I summon some courage.
Thanks so much for listening to me Sarah.

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 04:31:50 GMT

Hello Mocha delight,

Thanks for caring about my situation and offering to chat. When your in a difficult situation it's very hard to think clearly because of all the emotions running through you so it does help to talk with people who are removed from the situation. Thank you.

Feeling anxious about home

Aaronsis — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 04:44:49 GMT

Hi Curious77

Great to hear from you and it is my pleasure to chat to you and to give you some support during this really difficult time, but, I feel like you are growing, and accepting and just from the few messages we have had I can see that you are starting to perhaps draw the conclusion that maybe these are issues that are with your dad, that whether is accepts his behaviour or not is really on him, but you will not be accepting it. The thing is that it can be called whatever name you like, if the way he treats you makes you feel bad about yourself and makes you feel unworthy and like you don't matter then it is a problem. If he does not want to listen to how you are feeling and take some of this on board then that is fine too, he just does not get to have a relationship with you as I think you have already made the choice to move on mentally from him. Physically might take a bit longer as you said, it is alot to pick up and move to the unknown, that is why it would be easier if you had somewhere or someone to go to in the meantime, but I understand not every one has that option.

I hear you are feeling so very tender right now and I am sure this is very painful for you, I hope that you can take some time to do something nice for you, whether it be a walk in the park or even a phone call with a friend or watching something funny on Netflix or the likes, something that can make you feel good, you deserve to be happy. I think you have made some decisions about this relationship with your father and that is so very brave of you, perhaps now it is time to reach out to those in your life and to secure the friendships that you have knowing that your father will not be able to impact them, you will not let it this time.

I think you have so very much courage Curious77, it is not easy to come and to post here and to get out how you are feeling and to be so raw and honest, you have also by the sounds of it being having some honest conversations with your dad too, that also takes courage. I think you are so much braver and stronger than you know.

It might even be time to mention to your father that you agree to disagree so that you can live together, but this then prevents him from passing judgement and criticism on you or even interacting with you, you can choose where you draw the line.

I hope chatting here is helping, here to chat some more to you.

Hugs

Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 23:03:10 GMT

Hello Sarah,

Thanks for your positivity and kind and constructive feedback. Our chats are definitely helping me although I do not feel brave and feel like an emotional wreak and scared.
I actually ended up ignoring my father last night because I feel like he is angry and unable to come to terms with the situation so I feel like he is either going to become violent or passive aggressive from now on. I have decided that I do not have the emotional energy to deal with him and I need to just concentrate on my own sanity and move somewhere else if possible. I just cannot afford to dedicate any energy to him because he won't meet me in the middle. Hopefully there will be opportunities for me to move on physically because it will be tiring to keep ignoring him and I won't be able to heal and rebuild myself as well as I could away from. He is just so toxic and hate filled it just looks like the whole world has caved in and it is very draining.
There seems to be a lot of stigma around family violence or downplaying it amongst my relatives and I hope that is not a society wide problem because that would make it worse for those in it.
Thanks for listening Sarah.

Feeling anxious about home

Aaronsis — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 01:40:21 GMT

Good Morning Curious77

I am so sorry to hear that last night was so very difficult for you with your father, it does take energy to ignore and to avoid, sometimes more so. I just want to ensure though that you are safe above all, you mentioned that you are concerned he may become violent, this is not ok and not acceptable. Should this be the case that you are feeling unsafe please reach out to the Police if the situation escalates. I am wondering if a call to the Salvation Army even to discuss some accommodation or some support from them. They are very caring and a conversation can never harm. Your safety is paramount so please take care.

It is so very hard to remain strong and positive when in a situation like you are in, if you feel the relationship is toxic and it is draining you, it does make finding anything to make you feel joy next to impossible as I am sure the internal dialogue going on in your head is just keeping the peace and managing one moment to the next. This is emotionally and physically draining and I am so very sorry this is happening to you.

Maybe even getting out for a long walk can help with taking some time away from your father, as well as some fresh air and sunshine. This can give you even a little peace.

Please also if you feel you want to talk in person reach out to the people at the Beyond Blue line, sometimes a good old chat can really help too.

I would be interested to know what you think about reaching out to the Salvos and seeing if they can help you. I know it may seem a very daunting thing to do, however it is important for you to feel safe Curious77.

Chat some more soon

Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 04:29:09 GMT

Hello Sarah,

I hope I am not draining you too much. It must be hard on you absorbing all the pain in this forum. I can see that you have posted many times so you must have heard many terrible circumstances. Thank you for being supportive.
There is this place where I get public funded dental care which is a community centre that supports homeless people with the necessities that they need. I would imagine they would have support workers and counsellors who would know the ropes if I tell them my sitution

Feeling anxious about home

Aaronsis — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 04:48:19 GMT

Thank you so much for your kind works Curious77

I am here because I want to help people, to give support and to be a friend, I am here to let people know that there is hope, there is help and that together we can get through these times. I am not alone though, there are many many wonderful people here on this forum, including you and together we share and talk, believe it or not I actually get my healing from these chats. Between seeking professional help and chatting here I can credit my mending and healing from grief from people here. I try hard not to absorb but being an empath I do worry, take feelings on board and general have care and concern for people here, although I do also know at the end of the day, I try my best and it is up to the individual to drive their healing too.

Chat away as much as you want to, as much as you feel comfortable, I am here for you Curious77. I think contacting the community centre will be a wonderful start and if they are not able to help I am sure that they can direct you to a place that can. I think you too can see that the time for you to do what is best for you is here, and I think that is to find an alternative place to live.

Hugs to you Curious77

Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 22:47:44 GMT

Hello Sarah.

I am so glad the positives outweigh the negatives and that it helps with the thoughts in your head.
The last couple of days I have been feeling like a homeless person because I only really go home to sleep. Home is supposed to be the place where you are most comfortable and not uncomfortable. It is supposed to be the place where you engage in the activities that you want that bring you joy and have it the way you want it so that it feels good for you. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells and not be able to relax. It is certainly not a place where I can recuperate and heal or feel safe because you are living with your enemy. It feels as about as much a home to me as the footpath.
Thanks for listening Sarah.

Feeling anxious about home

Sophie_M — Sat, 25 Apr 2020 23:15:42 GMT

Hi Curious77,

We are so sorry to hear how uncomfortable and uneasy you are feeling at home, it sounds like things are really difficult right now and we can hear the pain that this must be causing you. But please know that you are not alone in this, and there is a lot of support out there available for you. You have come to a safe, supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
We're also currently getting in touch with you via email to provide you with some additional supports that can help you through this.
We hope that you continue to keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

Feeling anxious about home

Aaronsis — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 00:41:13 GMT

Hello Curious77

I hear what you are saying about feeling like a homeless person, that really is hard to accept, that your place in which you sleep is not actually a home. However, can I say that with the relationship that you are managing with your dad, it didn't feel like a home anyway, so it probably has always felt as such, just a place to rest your head. I think that the sooner you can make steps to find another place to call home, somewhere where you do come to rest and relax, to enjoy and have conversation with others and share a meal. It might even be at a place that is like emergency accommodation at this time, however at least you will be safe, you will feel peace and you will not be having to endure the emotional and mental dealings with your father.

I understand it takes a huge amount of strength and courage to make this move, and to reach out to services to ask for assistance, it really does and I understand you need to find the inner strength to make this move, we are here with you, right behind you to say you can, you can make a call, to see what is available to you, to stay safe and to have a place you can call home.

I am so beyond sorry that you have this relationship with your father, it really is difficult as our parents are supposed to provide us with the safety and comfort we need in life, as I mentioned to you before though, we really don't know the things that your father is suffering himself which is also really sad for him.

Here for you Curious77, I hope you feel the care and support we have for you, you matter.

Hugs

Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 22:22:40 GMT

Hello Sarah,

I do indeed feel the care and support provided here, thank you.
I have decided to start writing down my feelings and thoughts to see if it helps me think more clearly and whether it helps see things from a different angle in my efforts to summon the courage to go to the community centre after the long weekend because I do not speak very well in person. I don't want to walk in there as a mess or not talking coherently so I am hoping that will do the trick so that I can get the best out of talking with the people there.
Writing things down may also provide more information about my father's state of mind which we don't know, as you point out, so looking back on what I have written down down the track may provide more clarity too.
Thanks for listening Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

Aaronsis — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 23:09:44 GMT

Good Morning Curious77

That sounds like a really great idea, writing can form a means of therapy in getting it all out as well as providing a clear and comfortable means of communication when you do feel overwhelmed with a situation, so I think you have come at this from a really good angle. Not only will you get across to the other person how you are feeling and what you need but you can remain calm and in control, which is what I am hearing you are really worried about. Great idea and I am so pleased you are considering the next steps for you, in making some wonderful choices for you, your happiness and indeed your self esteem.

You are absolutely right too, what you have written here has captured your feelings, your concerns, the behaviour of your father, how it impacts you, this thread would be a great place to pull some of those thoughts and idea together to start your journal off, infact I think you have already started..

I think even starting to make some inquiries and making steps to move and to find out what is available to you will do your self esteem wonders, to show you that you are capable, you are worthwhile and you are strong. It is almost exciting, to see where this journey leads you, to finding some new strengths about you, that you knew where there, buried inside, can now come out and you can start to flourish.

I am really looking forward to being on this journey with you, I am here to support you.

Hugs

Sarah

Feeling anxious about home

Curious77 — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 22:02:44 GMT

Hello Sarah,

Thank you for your kind words and support. I know very little about charities or the not for profit sector so at the very least I will learn a lot about how all that operates.
I was talking to a person at the community centre on the phone about my father to see what services they offer and it is interesting that I know very little about his childhood or his family and friends when he was growing up. For example, I have never known them and he has never talked about their personalities or interests or their life stories which I never realised before. He has never said much about his brother and does not talk to him and he has not talked about his extended family. It is like his life never existed before he came to Australia and even if something is said, it is just touched on.
Thanks for listening Sarah.