topic Bad experience with police/reporting rape? in PTSD and trauma

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Sun, 14 Apr 2019 11:26:30 GMT

Hi,

I am hoping to hear from other rape survivors in hope someone has been through what I have. When I reported my rape an officer encouraged me not to report 2 other assaults by this person because it sounded like "risky sex". This really hurt, because each time I was badly assaulted.

I am wondering is anyone else who has reported rape in Australia has had bad experiences with police like me? I am finding it really hard to understand why not all victims are given the chance to go to court due to 'not enough evidence' as well. Of course rapists will deny it and I just cannot understand how this is all the system does before closing a case.

Has anyone else struggled with not having 'enough evidence' to get a conviction and bad remarks from police officers?

This has really deeply affected my trust in society. It just feels hard to understand the world when you are raised to believe these things are wrong, yet police support the rapist.

Thank you for any insights.

I have felt very alone in this and was wondering if there are others out there who have had similar bad experiences when reporting their rape?

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Doolhof — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 11:03:57 GMT

Hi Tim Tams,

Sorry to read you have been through such an horrific experience, being raped, then not having enough evidence to go to court. That must be very hard for you to deal with.

If you don't mind me asking, have you been able to receive assistance to deal with the emotions and after effects of being raped?

It may be beneficial to call Legal Aid to see if they have any advice for you.

A sexual health support line may be able to support you in some way.

I do not know how much evidence police need to be able to prove any crime has been committed in any case. It seems in some instances, there is so much evidence but a conviction still does not happen.

Do you feel as though this person needs to be convicted so you can find a sense of closure and move on with your life somehow?

If that does not happen, do you have ideas for how you will cope?

Hope you find the help and support you need right now.

Regards from Dools

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Croix — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 11:59:45 GMT

Dear Tim Tams~

First I'd like to welcome you and ask as Mrs Dools has done, are you having professional medical help for your experiences with a psychologist or psychiatrist that specializes in treating sexual assault?

Also do you have someone in your life to lean on, who believes you unquestioningly and with whom you can speak frankly? It makes a huge difference.

You have been though very harrowing, possibly life-changing harm by the perpetrator and for nothing to happen can seem incredible.

You would like the person who did this be stopped for the future, to pay for the crime, to be bought to justice. That is very reasonable.

If I seem negative I'm sorry.

Where sexual assault is concerned the law is not good, and the legal system is not a justice system anyway. To give you some idea of the overall picture, firstly nobody knows how many assaults go unreported. According to figures issued by the Australian Institute of Criminology, an estimated 70 per cent of sexual assaults incidents are not reported to police.

Further only about 17% of reported sexual offenses result in a conviction, a figure consistent with data from other States and overseas. (Queensland Crime and Misconduct Commission, 2003)

It is not justice, and the system is terrible. I also know in every case that is not a guilty plea then the person assaulted has to go though all that has happened again in such a way that re-traumatization is likely.

I'm sorry for any disparaging remarks by police.

Going to court is not the only way to try to rectify the harm done and the current situation. it can be done though supporting the appropriate groups and organizations and lending them one's experiences. In some ways this may be a more effective action in the long term, with review of law and procedures as well as change of social climate, even if it does not help your own individual situation.

I feel very much for you and all the others in this situation.

Croix

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 04:32:01 GMT

Hi Doolhof,

I have been on a waiting list for 12 months (yep) to receive professional long-term counselling (public system in Victoria). I received a phone call a week ago to update me: I am still on their list but was told there are less people in front of me now. They did not refer me to another service (CASA) because I am now 'no longer classified as being in immediate danger'. I was in immediate danger, but due to having to wait 12 months to receive assistance, of course I no longer am! The whole process does not make sense. Basically it has been a long wait for counselling. However, I have been receiving short-term counselling since late last year from a mental health ward. I also paid for private psychologist sessions myself but stopped due to the cost. I paid a lawyer $600 and legal aid is not a simple process either.

I do not understand why other people get to go to court and I do not have the opportunity to have my rapist questioned. Though I heard this happens a lot where there is 'not enough evidence'. I will never feel the same way again knowing how easily these dangerous people are let off. It makes me scared to be out in public knowing they are too, and I just feel I will live with PTSD forever because they are let off like this.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 04:41:28 GMT

Hi Croix,

Lots of people believe me. I am fortunate in that way. It is not justice for myself I am worried about, it is how they will continue to go harm another person who might look or dress like me: it makes me sick. I also do still worry about him finding me and attacking or killing me again one day in years to come when I am not surrounded with as many support people. I wish everyone would report, but I understand now why they do not. The police response has been as hurtful to me as the assaults. It just felt like they (police) did their best to let this person off because he was young, employed and had a future ahead of him. I wish they were not so rude to me though. I do not understand why they spoke to me the way they did. I have never been in trouble with the law before and was trying to do the right thing by reporting. In hindsight I wish I never reported and kept quiet. When the officer told me half of the assaults sounded like 'risky sex' I felt pressured to not report everything that happened to me. I reported 2/4 assaults instead of all 4. And after police's response I would never go back and report it all and the rest again. They do not realise what kind of people just got away with some really bad things.

I would really like to know if any other victims out there have been spoken to like this by police in Australia.

But you are right. I no longer have the tolerance or will to cope with court. I have moved on with my life in many other ways, but it will not stop me from feeling sick and scared of being re-attacked or told he has reoffended again one day.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Croix — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 09:34:18 GMT

The Internet hiccuped and I've no idea if you got any of my last post so I'll start again...

Dear Tim Tams~

In your situation I'd feel exactly the same. To undergo such assaults and then receive a police reaction that seemed in favor of the perpetrator is horrible.

If I leave their reaction to one side 'not enough evidence' is sadly a serious deficiency under the current laws, and therefor is very often brought up. Without sufficient evidence the matter will not go to court.

The reason I'm posting is not only to you, but to others that may be reading this thread. There are sometimes some circumstances where there is sufficient evidence, or a guilty plea, and the person assaulted has decided to go ahead. It is not quite hopeless though serious advice should be sought before initiating any action, most people simply do to know how involved the matter is or how emotionally taxing it is.

My hope is there will be sufficient pressure via the public and interest groups that the whole matter may be reviewed and hopefully handled in a different way.

Croix

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Doolhof — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 11:22:35 GMT

Hi Tim Tams,

I really am so sorry you have had to endure this horrible situation. My first husband used to rape me in front of his mates and bash me up as well. The police told me that as we were married there was little they could do. That was over 30 years ago. I am sorry that it seems the law is still not protecting victims.

I have no answer for the way you have been treated. It is dreadful you are having to wait so long for assistance.

Have you enquired about getting a protection order against the perpetrator or is that not possible? Would it help you feel safer if you did that or more fearful perhaps?

Recently I was in a mental health crisis and I had a policeman yelling at me. I thought that was bad enough, I can't begin to imagine how you feel.

Here we can affirm what you are sharing with us, we can offer acknowledgement and validation that what you are experiencing is not right. I am not sure what else I can do except offer you support.

Kind regards from Dools

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 11:41:06 GMT

I have given up that he will ever plea guilty because he admitted to my face he had no empathy and if he was a good person, he never would have done what he did. It makes me immensely sad to think about how little guilt he has for what he did to me. I know you are trying to be positive but you are right, the situation is hopeless. I guess that stems back to the bigger question anyway in that even if this person did go to jail he will never understand the damage he caused to my life. If he did, he certainly wouldn't be walking around with a smile on his face today. My life has been wrecked by this forever and these people could not care less.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 11:51:04 GMT

Hi Dools,

For police to say rape cannot happen in a marriage relationship is also not appropriate and as you would know another rape myth that is more recognised by the justice system today, thankfully.

Being assaulted by someone who you made vowels with is far worse than a stranger in some regards. It is a heartbreaking violation of trust and I feel your pain.

I am not surprised though as you said this was 30 years ago and times are recently just starting to change. You are right, sadly times have not changed fast enough. I wish I was not hurt and I hope you don't mind me saying but in some ways I wish I was not. I just wish in 30 years they found a way to do more. It is too late for you and me too now. Justice is important to rape victims and palming them off with 'counselling and a better life' is a cop out. These people need to be punished for the horror they and they alone caused. Sadly I will never receive it, either. But I never thought I was 'special' and deserved a nice life. But I guess I just always hoped for the princess life, like everyone. I was an idiot.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 11:54:18 GMT

A protection order only makes them angrier and is not something I am willing to go through. It is a system abused by them and ironically I would have to sit near him to ask for one. So no, that will never happen either. I am saving money though and hope one day to move somewhere new on my own in a house he does not know of. In the meantime, I have enough supports around me to feel secure. But I fear in 10 years time I am going to have to leave my home when I am less defended.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Doolhof — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 11:56:17 GMT

Hi Tim Tams,

When such an injustice has happened, it can be very hard to understand how and why the person who is the victim feels so horrible and the guilty person seems to be able to carry on like nothing happened.

Even if you are not able to get justice for what has happened, I do so hope in some small way you too can hold your head high, that you believe despite this tragedy, you are a worthwhile person, you count regardless of what has happened.

It is tough when justice does not happen.

Cheers again from Dools

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Croix — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 12:03:47 GMT

Dear Tim Tams~

There are people that care for you, worthwhile people who do believe you, in addition I do too, Dools is other, and the perpetrator as you say will never change.

You will change though , growing stronger, more hopeful , and in time you will get medical support that will help too. You have not been broken, you are now frustrated at a terrible system, which is natural, but I'd expect in time the focus of your life will change - what do you think?

Croix

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 12:03:47 GMT

Maybe justice is letting them walk free because then maybe their soul really will die in the next life forever. We can only hope Dools. Have a good week. I hope I do not hear this story again in another 30 years but something tells me (and probably you) I will. Cheers.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 12:09:55 GMT

You are kind and optimistic Croix, but I can see my frustration with the system will never change. I hope there are some lawyers and police out there who really do care and really do start doing more. Every person deserves to feel special and cared for in a relationship and the ultimate betrayal (rape, not cheating) deserves real punishment. I hope the person who raped me, as he is clearly not able to say sorry, will then be able to forgive himself. Because I really am done with fighting now and you are right, too tired for the court system even if police apologised.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Doolhof — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 12:28:14 GMT

Hi Tim Tams,

One thing I am trying to learn over the decades of my life, is to find ways to deal with the horrible things that happen, other wise I become bitter and twisted.

I am certainly not trying to discount anything that has happened to you, I just know from personal experience that holding onto injustices and hurts causes me so much pain at times.

You may never be able to forget or forgive, the best you can do is believe in yourself and try to move forward. If you do go backwards for a while, that is okay too. There are still opportunities to move forward.

In time, you may be able to be of support to other people who are hurting for some reason as you will have some understanding of what they are experiencing.

Dools

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Wed, 17 Apr 2019 05:11:13 GMT

I don't know Dools, I think there is a difference between bitter and twisted and right and wrong. I know there is much in life that is not fair and everyone has their own battles. But there is no cure for cancer, this is the type of unfair that cannot be changed. Rape is something that does not need to happen though and is inflicted on someone by adults who should know better. I will always be twisted by that. I am living my life in the best way I can, of course. But it will always be wrong. And I do feel really angry still at how police spoke to me. If they saw what he did or had been there and had it done to them, they would not have spoke in that way to me.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Croix — Wed, 17 Apr 2019 13:38:35 GMT

Dear Tim Tams~

There are a lot of police who treat people with respect and sensitivity, I was one. Though it would be downright silly to say all are like that, though most do start as I did, young, eager, wanting to right the wrongs in society.

You will not be twisted. This was a time of life you will always recollect with pain , but you will find more, you already see kindness (thank you).

All I can suggest is the long way round, via lobbying , that has the potential to make it better for all, the police included, though I realise at the moment their welfare is far from your thoughts.

Croix

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Wait_what — Wed, 17 Apr 2019 15:08:13 GMT

I agree with Croix's sentiments. The police (mostly) do the best job they can with the very limited resources they've got. Plus they know that they've got to meet the burden of proof (for a conviction beyond the shadow of doubt) and that can really, really hard. Then the case has to get through the DPP who decide if the case is 'winnable'. It's not fair for the victim of the crime, it's just how the legal system works in Australia. And even if everything stacks up in your favour and the felon is found guilty, there's only a 50:50 chance of a custodial sentence (a sucky outcome at best!).

Plus, it can take years and years to get to court - nothing like the 'swiftness' you see on TV. The whole process wears you down. My case, even with heaps of evidence, took nearly 4 years to get to court, and I was so over it, if they'd not subpoenaed me, even I wouldn't have turned up.

In terms of justice - the DPP won my case and my rapist went to jail. BUT...it didn't change a single thing in my world. There was no closure, no feeling of winning, getting justice, nothing. It was like I was watching everyone celebrating below me from a parallel universe - so strange. Do I regret reporting? Sometimes - and especially in the beginning. The whole process uprooted my life. Did it change anything? Maybe. All I know is that my case made it a teensy, tiny bit easier to put bad guys in jail the next time. And that has to be enough for me.

I did want to correct something from an earlier comment from @Doolhof about marital rape - until 1994 (in some states) it wasn't considered a crime (don't get me started). And the police can only look after crimes for which there is law (ie: legislation). The legislation is fixed now and marital rape is an 'actual' crime and the police take it more seriously now - although DV still has a long way to go.

@TimTams - no-one ever deserves to be raped regardless of what they were wearing, doing, drinking, etc. I wish you all the best. Blessings to you.

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

Doolhof — Wed, 17 Apr 2019 20:48:25 GMT

Hi Tim Tams,

Dear precious lady, I was not trying to belittle in any way the horrific experiences you have been through with the actual rape and then not being assisted.

I totally agree with you, there are wrongs that should never happen, unfortunately they do, to innocent people who do not deserve what they unlawfully and regrettably receive at the hands of others.

My heart goes out to you.

There have been many times when I wish I had the guts to now press charges against my ex husband for all the abuse I endured from him. I don't know all the intricacies of the law so I don't know if I would have a legal leg to stand on or not after all these decades.

Please know I am not making light of your situation at all.

Kindest regards from Dools

Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams — Thu, 18 Apr 2019 00:59:42 GMT

Wait What these are the kind of insights I was looking for. For you, I am still really glad you did get justice. I have prayed for that for myself on so many days that if there was no justice that that person would one day send me an apology. I just wanted the person who physically harmed me to feel sorry for what he did. I did not think that was much to ask. But I don't think that person or his family can ever face what they did to a young person's life. He nearly killed me and I nearly lost my life, so why would he or they want to face or acknowledge that.

To be honest, I just realised the same thing today. You are right Wait What. Even if this person went to jail it would not change the damage he caused. I feel devastated because I never got the chance you did. But of course your life has not changed because of it. You are right. At the end of the day I (and he) knows he is guilty. Having society recognise that would probably achieve very little. It won't take back what he did or make the police feel sorry for how they talked to me. It was their decision to say those things in confidence.