topic Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband. in PTSD and trauma

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Dotajoli — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 15:22:32 GMT

Trigger Warning

In March my daughter disclosed sexual abuse from my husband and his 2 sons over a 6 year period.At this stage it is still under a lengthy investigation but after extensive counselling whilst in denial in the beginning there is now no doubt in my mind what so ever and counselling has also been a massive self discovery journey to the domestic violence I accepted from a very narcissistic,manipulative man and the impact this had on my children and I bravely admit to my parenting incorrectly.The advice I need tonight which someone may or may not be able to advise me but any assistance will help is my husband and one of his sons who stayed in our home of 2 years who have never made friends or socialized and have always kept to them selves have made friends with some of the neighbors who have 2 young children and they have started having BBQ and meals there plus he "accidentally"sent me a message tonight saying I hope the kids liked the presents I bought them! I almost vomited & felt that these kids are not safe.My physiologist has said until they are charged its not my job to save the world but I strongly feel i need to let them know to protect their children!I have lived an absolute nightmare with my daughter and son these past 9 months as everything unfolds and we try to process everything that my daughter has endured ,the self harm and suicidal thought she now endures my sons misplaced feeling of him not protecting his little sister and my guilt that I failed as a mother for bringing in a father and 2 boys to our lives that decided and broke our trust and my inability to protect my children or notice what what these monsters were doing right under my nose. I now have two very fragile children who will become warriors and i will not let this determine our future hence why the psychologist has said just concentrate on us BUT I have enough guilt hanging around ATM for something that was not in my control and I had NO KNOWLEDGE off HOW could I cope and live with myself if something happened to these innocent 7 and 9 year old children?? I understand what the psychologist is saying I dont want to get involved BUT i feel 100 % obligated to drop an anonymous letter in the mail box telling them to protect their children and making them aware there is an investigation under way..

Please help

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

smallwolf — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 23:03:21 GMT

Hi Dotajoli,

Welcome to beyond blue.

What you and your children have had to endure is extremely saddening. From what little reading I have done, people (and in this case your husband) have a way of preventing any information getting out, and that meant you also would not have any knowledge of what was going on. So your initial feelings of denial, and guilt now are understandable, this is not because of your supposed bad parenting. As you said, you had no knowledge of what was going on. It is my sincere hope that you are right about them becoming warriors.

But you should be commended in getting help for yourself and your children.

As far as the neighbor is concerned, I suspect because of what he did within the home environment, you would believe that he would repeat this action with the next person and the next. This does not mean that he will or will not. But would that also setup a pattern for yourself of the need to protect each person until the matter is resolved?

I have no knowledge about the impact you giving a letter to your neighbor would have on the investigation and will let someone else who has more knowledge answer that part. But that would need to be considered also.

Taking into account what your psychologist said, the only suggestion I could really make to you would be the contact the police and explain the situation plus your question and you then do as they say?

I hope that you and you children will find peace if only for a few days at this time of year. Look after yourself (and your kids).

Tim

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Croix — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 00:26:06 GMT

Dear Dotajoli~

My heart goes out to you, it's a nightmare and I'm pleased that there is an investigation, and also you have professional help. Neither 'repair' the damage but do help. Your love and example are the most potent things as is theirs for you

You said your son's guilt was misplaced, which is true. so is yours of course.

I'm glad your councilor is taking that line, Your and yours are the important thing.

Your daughter is a tremendous worry at the moment, and the more support she and you have about her self- harm and suicidal thoughts the better. You feel it is up to you to fix everything, in actual fact it is a team effort, you and your son, true, but just as importantly professional help from experienced people. I'll not talk about that now as you were concerned as to what to do about your husband's possible predatory activities.

The first thing is I think you should recognize that you have been deeply affected, and so has your thinking - to be expected of course. You feel a great need to stop your ex from harming others as well as facing what he has already done.

OK, everyone should try to keep others from harm, however in relation to the neighbor's children please take a moment to consider what will be effective, what will expose you to the least legal and emotional harm, and pause.

An anonymous letter can be ignored or even backfire, and in this case would not be anonymous anyway.

Get advice from those who deal with sexual abuse as part of their professional lives. When an act against the law has not been committed, or you have no proof that it has, then it is true some options are limited. However as Tim says talking to your local police -the special department which deals with child abuse (such as SOCIT in Victoria) - and also to the most appropriate organization in your area would be the way to go.

Their advice will be unbiased and realistic. If you do not like what they have to say them please pause for long enough to realize they are unbiased, and in their own way experts. Not everything one can do one should do.

Matters under investigation, or even before the courts do not always have a satisfactory ending -sad but true. However in some ways they are secondary to you and your children's' healing.

If you are unsure which organization then give our 24/7 Help Line a ring for advice, though I'd imagine you may well be in contact with an organization already.

You know you are welcome here anytime, we do care and understand.

Croix

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 22:06:09 GMT

Hi Dotajoli,

Thank you for your post and for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry that this happened to your family and I feel your anger too at wanting to protect your neighbours children.

From a legal point of view, your hands are somewhat tied. (Especially since you said it's still under investigation).

I understand the anonymous letter, although I too worry that it might backfire somehow. My family was involved in a similar incident (domestic violence) and they contacted them on Facebook and approached them in person. I don't really know that there's any right or wrong answer.

I think this letter might be coming to you a little late, but I support whatever decision you need to make. If your psychologist tells you to sit back I understand that too - but ultimately whatever you do is your choice.

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Dotajoli — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 14:49:21 GMT

Thanks everyone for your response and apologies for taking so long to respond back it has been a real struggle trying to contain my emotions which were under control until i realised what was happening with my ex husband.

The approach I decided to take was meeting with him in a coffee shop and politely telling him that I dont for one second believe him or his sons innocence that they claim. He agreed his sons have done this but naturally swears by his innocence. I reiterated I do not believe him and that I will disclose to the neighbors and anyone else I see fit if they continue to be around children. I also stated if he feels strongly that his sons are guilty he should encourage them to come forward and confess and he has a responsibility to protect those children and make sure his son is no where near them.

I am not sure if that will work but I felt I had to try something.

Thank you again for your support x

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

geoff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 16:59:14 GMT

Hello Dotajoli, I understand what the others have said and very much appreciate their wise words, but I also respect what you have done.

I know the pain you and your daughter are going through but you can't blame yourself, you didn't know any of this was going to happen, however, I strongly agree that your neighbours should be told in whatever way you are able to, if it was me, that's what I would be doing.

I also would not trust anything your ex says and if he tells stories, that should also be mentioned to you to your neigbours.

This thread of yours is so sad so I hope you can stay with us and let us know what's happening.

My Best Wishes.

Geoff.

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Croix — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 13:19:10 GMT

Dear Dotajoli~

That was a pretty hard thing to have to do, and although like Geoff I'm not sure it would be wise to accept anything he says you have done something positive and given a fair warning. Let's hope it is effective.

Do you have any idea how much longer the investigation will take?

Croix

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Dotajoli — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 18:40:46 GMT

Hi Croix and Geoff Thank you for your advice. At this stage the investigation is still on going with nothing from the detective since September. I am beyond annoyed at the system and one day when I am much stronger I will take the way these cases are handled to the ombudsman or whoever will listen that our case in particular has been absolutely appalling with numerous excuses its difficult because there are numerous authorities involved..Tell that to my daughter!!! Slowly but surely I am obtaining text messages from my ex husband agreeing to his part in the abuse and now agreeing to obtaining a confession from his son's as he himself believes they have done this also and his part in the neglect ATM by allowing any of them to be near children. He himself has his 1st appointment on the 7th with a psychologist which I am meeting him at the office to sit outside or attend if need be. One son has commenced with a Counselor also. So far it is baby steps but my ex husband hopefully has realised I was not going away or lying down until this is dealt with... Unfortunately I am ashamed to say I was at boiling point and didnt conduct myself well when I suggested if he doesnt help me get this resolved and get my daughter the admission and apologise she deserves then I would ask him to then please do us and the world a favor and put a gun to all three of them. This shocked him so badly to think that I would even ask such a thing he broke down as I just stood there like a zombie and can now see how horrendous this has been for me as that is not my character at ALL.Therefore fingers crossed we are on a path of some sort of resolution. I know this is just the beginning and we have a long way to go BUT I felt the police were not doing enough for my daughter so I had to take a stand against these boys and my ex. Please be kind and no judgement on what I asked him to do I know that this behavior is unacceptable and so out of character for me that I sort help from my psychologist asap because I never want to be that monster that I saw that day again! Some how I will fight to the end though and my 15 years as the wife and step mother will not be in vain I shall follow this through to the end until I feel satisfied that this illness or defective gene in this family ended in 2018.

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Croix — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 12:25:54 GMT

Dear Dotajoli~

Yes that was a bit of plain speaking, however you were not threatening him. Sometimes words need to be dramatic and heart-felt to have any effect. The way this whole episode has affected you is probably even larger than you suspect. Hopefully you have been forceful enough to make your ex act.

The investigation will be slow, and as I said may not be concluded satisfactorily. A combination of the way the law is set up and under-resourcing makes for frustration all round (including the officers involved). I hope in time with your input it works out.

If you can (with reasonable methods) get your ex and his sons into accepting treatment you will have done a mighty thing anyway.

You talked of an admission and apology to you daughter, may I ask if you have spoken to her about that and what she feels about it?

Croix

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Dotajoli — Fri, 04 Jan 2019 07:21:29 GMT

Hi Croxi ,

In speaking with my daughter about the situation It actually happened by default when my son had a breakdown about me having him removed from the family home by intervention with friends. My son has a disability and has been badly manipulated by these same 3 family members & has struggled with the fact that they have done such a horrendous acts.It has in fact been easier for him to ignore what is happening or alternatively easier to believe my daughter his sister has lied than these 3 people he has always worshiped.

During a heated argument with my son about me not allowing him contact with them he yelled he was better off living with "them" as he could ignore and pretend what has happened just as they were,where as my daughter and i are living through dealing and healing with it everyday!!

Another not so proud moment I busted at the seams and yelled "As your mother I would be negligent if I left you with these 3 humans that raped and threatened your sister" The house fell in silence with exception to my daughters sobs. Long story short the reality hit home with my son for the 1st time as he heard her sobs.She expressed relief at actually hearing about it spoken out allowed for the 1st time since she disclosed. She said it is now no longer a "thing" hanging over her head it was finally out in the open. I then sat with the children & told them about my text messages & assured them that I will do everything in my power as their mum to ensure this doesnt happen again. My daughter is reluctant to go through 3 court cases should it get to that however has expressed great relief at knowing they are getting "help" and is overwhelmed at the omissions of guilt as she had always been led to believe that NO ONE would believe her if she told! I have seen a smile return to her burdened face. She is booked in for an emergency psychologist appointment in 4 days just so she can have assistance processing these past few days and finally having some acknowledgement from her brother and my text messages admitting responsibility. My daughter has also been made very aware that had she not disclosed her brother & I would still be in a situation of being badly manipulated & that i shall be forever grateful for her courage in coming forward she has changed our lives for the better & our future is bright.

I know it is difficult to put a positive spin on this situation however I want my daughter to see more good than bad has come from her honesty in disclosing.

Thank you

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Croix — Fri, 04 Jan 2019 11:30:33 GMT

Dear Dotajoli~

I think that is great news and once again plain speaking (or losing one's temper) has made a difference.

The fact this whole thing is out in the open helps everyone, but particularly you daughter, who would as you say have been constantly afraid of it coming out and her not being believed. Now all of you can act to take account of what happened, your son included.

I think the other thing that is particularly good is that you are seeing your daughter as courageous and not just a victim. That makes the world of difference.

You mentioned she is not happy at the idea of court, particularly as it may be more than once. One has to be mentally and emotionally very robust to stand up and recount what happened (essentially re-live it) and then have it questioned and doubted.

Even within the positive environment of therapy reliving past occurrences was something I could not do without continuing problems for an awful long time. (My history is completely different to your daughter's, however I suspect the reliving is similar in some ways). Sorry if I sound negative.

Croix

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Dotajoli — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 04:08:15 GMT

Hi Croix No you dont sound negative I absolutely agree whilst I dont have 1st hand experience of what my daughter is going through as her mum I know she would not with stand 3 separate hearings with 36 jurors and 2 solicitors. Thats not to say in her future she wont be able to do that I just know now its not for her. Unfortunately I feel the system lets us down in this respect as originally she was told she wouldn't have to go to court the taped interview would suffice...I know the strength required to withstand court so my job is to build her up until she can attend court or be at peace with choosing not to go to court when in adult hood.

As a child who was out of home at 14 I was very strong willed and determined but the lady got lost in marriage but she is back now and with everyday I see my child's true strong willed personality touch the surface more and more and I know she is courageous and I will make my marriage not have been in vain I will use it to build strength in my kids.

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Croix — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 11:17:42 GMT

Dear Dotajoli~

The opinions below are my own.

I'm afraid it is a bit of a no-win situation, if one goes to court it is a harrowing experience that can easily do more damage, if one does not one may feel weak, not doing what should be done, helpless, and that has ill effects too.

I guess one thing one can do is try to see one's actions in proportion. The below is only indicative, but gives some idea:

1 in 6 reports to Police of rape ... result in prosecution (Sexual Offences: Law & Procedure Final Report, Victorian Law Reform Commission, 2004)

Only about 17% of reported sexual offences result in a conviction, a figure consistent with data from other States and overseas. (Queensland Crime and Misconduct Commission, 2003)

I'm not putting these up as a means of discouraging any course of action, I'm sure that in the case of a successful prosecution the effect could be very positive, I'm just trying to give you and your daughter a realistic idea of how difficult things can be.

It is very hard indeed for the person concerned not to end up feeling self-blame for some reason, if only for not going to court, or in court not giving the account they would have liked. While looking at it objectively the whole thing is obviously the fault of the perpetrator we all think we should adhere to standards (no matter how unrealistic) and feel at fault if we are unable to do so.

While I have every admiration for anyone that does go to court I also have admiration for those that simply manage to survive.

I'll also point out that positive action to reduce the incidence of sexual assault is not just done by going to court. Later on it can be done though supporting the appropriate groups and organizations and lending them one's experiences. In some ways this may be a more effective action in the long term, with review of law and procedures as well as change of social climate.

This may be something you and your daughter had not considered. It is not just one thing or nothing.

Croix

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Dotajoli — Thu, 17 Jan 2019 15:46:47 GMT

Dear Croix,

Thank you so much for your support and wise words. It saddens me to think the statistic's are so low but I do understand our system absolutely stinks and I am not sure why anyone comes forward really as the offenders are "protected".

My daughter in no where near strong enough and I know she wont hold up..

At this stage one of the boys has entered counselling,my ex has his appointment Monday and i have a confession from him on text message and also a message stating he knows his boys are guilty.

I am playing the game so to speak and there is NO DOUBT in my mind that the law is not helping..Therefore as you know I have asked my ex to get his boys to confess,acknowledge and apologise when my daughter is ready is the best opportunity for my daughter to find peace and heal sooner rather than this drag on for years.

The price i pay atm is my ex believes if he does all of this and attends marriage counselling I will consider reconciliation..So i play the game and monitor if he is telling the truth "if" he can get to the stage of acknowledging to my daughter those words she needs to hear (under her psychologists guidance btw) naturally the choice is hers if and when the time comes if she wants to hear "im sorry".

Well thats what I presume she needs ? May I ask your thoughts/opinion (only if you want to )on my theory as living with my ex husband for 15 years I always felt had his family acknowledged the truth instead of covering it up and protecting the family member responsible he would have had an opportunity to heal instead 30 + years later its still taboo and the family member still sits at the family table with no remorse or ownership something my ex still struggles with to this day.

Thanks x

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Croix — Fri, 18 Jan 2019 13:23:53 GMT

Dear Dotajoli~

I'm afraid your last paragraph left me at sea, are you saying your ex husband himself was the subject of child abuse?

In relation to an apology and all, there is often a feeling that things should be done as quickly as possible, also that an apology is beneficial and should be encouraged.

Apologies are helpful. A whole movement in the criminal justice system in various places does emphasize the perpetrator meeting the victim (under controlled and voluntary conditions) and overall I believe has has often helped both parties.

This does not mean it will in all cases. Frankly I'd let your daughter explain to you, over time, how she feels. She might feel 'obliged' to go though with something like this, and now, or ever, might not be the right itme.

Your daughter had been keeping inside herself fears of not being believed, it is very natural not to be completely forthcoming under these circumstances, and there may be other things she is not saying about her hopes and fears. Perhaps time will make such talk easier.

As for you ex hoping for a reconciliation, it is not just him, but the sons too that come wiht him. Unfortunately it would only take one of them to take some sort of untoward action for your daughter's recovery to be set right back with her trust in you possibly broken as well.

I guess you have to judge how likely that might be.

It would seem from your posts you are spending an awful lot of effort in just one area that promotes your daughter's recovery - the business of apology and admissions. While that is understandable, and may indeed end up wiht a positive outcome, I'd imagine there are other completely unrelated matters that might help too.

Has your daughter said anything about what she's like to do elsewhere in her life?

Croix

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Dotajoli — Thu, 24 Jan 2019 02:34:39 GMT

Dear Croix,

At this stage my daughter still talks of a future which is a blessing in disguise.Most of the future talks involve activities and travel with me.

I have abandoned all efforts to get those 3 to help and an apology as I realised I am trying to control something that is not in my control or power also. I have realised what I thought I had control over was in fact controlling & consuming me and for how long if ever was just a gamble!!

I met with my psychologist today and she agreed and told me about a conference she went to where an extremely strong lady discussed how she organised to sit with her person in question and in doing so she got an apology and felt she finally got what she deserved then as they were parting he with no remorse damaged years worth of work by showing her "one" trigger intentionally..

I shall work on realizing and accepting I had very unreal expectations and the most important thing atm is us 3 and learning to accept and live with our new life.

Today has been a new day of acceptance, understanding where I was at and new beginnings so forward I go.

Croix you valuable support and words assist me come to the right decisions and I am forever great full.

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Croix — Thu, 24 Jan 2019 11:50:06 GMT

Dear Dotajoli~

You are most welcome. I think you are quite wise to change tack. Apart from anything else it kept the incident fresh in you and your families minds, and as you say, you did not really have control. At best they might have given a token apology and then just continued on.

It may well be that the biggest positive has already happened for your daughter, to be believed and the incident fully accepted by those important to her.

Unpleasant disasters can have the effect of bringing those that you love closer, and that can simply mean more time together, doing things you all enjoy, and maybe not even often referring to the unpleasant past except as necessary to promote treatment with professionals.

Please do know that we are going to be here to listen and talk right into the future, there does not have to be a cut-off point

Croix

It's good yu have that psychologist to discuss ideas with and gain support. Trying to know what to do is very hard, there's no guide book.

Advice needed in regards to disclosing information about my ex husband.

Dotajoli — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 12:02:04 GMT

Thanks Croix much appreciated.