topic Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....? in PTSD and trauma

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Fri, 12 Oct 2018 11:19:14 GMT

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

PamelaR — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 04:03:41 GMT

Hi Idkme and welcome to our community forums

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like it's very difficult for you at the moment. I completely understand that because I too have PTSD, anxiety and depression. Some years ago now I had a breakdown when my memory returned from a childhood trauma. That sense of not getting through from one week to the next is so reminesent of how I felt during my time of recovery.

It feels like there's nothing to settle yourself and that it will never settle. But it does Idkme. It all takes time and if you're anything like me, patience is not one of my virtues. I was always wanting it to be over and done with. To move on in my life, to the next chapter. However, the pages didn't turn as fast as I wanted. What did I do during those times -

Yes, i tried all those things you suggested. The other thing I did was played games - repetitive ones, something that maintained my focus on the game and nothing else. I still use this technique to tune out. It helps a little for awhile.

I'm assuming you've told your psych about how you feel after your visit? Have you seen your doctor recently - maybe they could offer a short term prescription to get you through the worst of it? I was prescribed medication - that is habit forming and had to be used with caution, but it did help to settle me when I was at my worst. I only took it about 4 times a week for a couple of months.

The biggest thing to remember is - you will get better. You have survived and you will survive this. This is nothing compared to what you are remembering and recalling now. Sorry this isn't a quick fix for you - it takes time. It does get better. You'll come out the other side feeling good about yourself and life. Let me know if there's anything you want to know. There are many people in our community who have experienced similar situations as yourself.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Flighty — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 04:43:22 GMT

Unfortunately I can't offer any advice but wanted you to know that you aren't alone !

I'm experiencing the exact same thing and really struggle from appointment to appointment. I find I'm extremely vulnerable after a therapy session and I will discuss this with my therapist at my next visit.

I know that creating a support network is really important but also extremely difficult when you don't trust people.

Hugs xx

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Guest_1211 — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 04:54:39 GMT

I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to suggest, but all I want to say is I completely relate - it’s like I wrote it myself.

Good luck x

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 06:05:25 GMT

Thank you PamelaR

its nice to hear others have been there and done that too and it’s a well trodden track. It’s the first time I’ve ever dealt with psychologists because I’ve never trusted them and I don’t have a GP, so I’m hopeful. Knowing that what I’m going through is normal is soothing to hear. sometimes I feel it would be easier to bottle it all away again rather than having this huge distraction in my life ( it’s not fair that he is impacting my life all over again and once again my mother’s issues are bigger than mine so I can’t get the comfort I need from her). I’m just grateful I have a loving husband who tries to understand.

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 06:06:44 GMT

Hi Kylie,

I’m so glad you commented because it’s so good to hear others have felt the same,

thank you

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Guest_1211 — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 07:09:37 GMT

I made a really stupid decision yesterday and texted my psychologist saying I don’t want to see her any more. Mostly because I didn’t know how to cope with working so hard to open up (and pretty much freezing and failing) then feeling like I had to shut myself down again to cope until the next appointment. I have now left myself with nothing to try to look to with hope to help myself and feel more alone than ever.

Just dont do what silly I did. Try to keep going. I have to work our how i go ahead from here now...

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 07:39:48 GMT

Kylie,

I was told by a friend that psychologists are like hairdressers... if you didn't like the style or the conversation or you didn't feel comfortable, then change to a new hairdresser.... There are HEAPS of psychologists out there and there are more and more that will skype with you too if they feel that you can regulate enough and have some safety measures in place (ie someone is with you in another room and the psychologist has their number and vice versa). It's a good idea to have a few questions for your next psychologist, ie., are you trauma infomed?, do you believe in relational therapy? (a big one for me because I had to feel I could talk openly with the person), what is your "style"? I found by looking up the style they delivered it helped too.

I have to say for me that the Blue Knot foundation was particularly helpful (even though I had to leave my number and they called back (which was a bit distressing because I have a particularly busy lifestyle with family, work, etc. which is probably why it's taken so long to impact me). They recommended some psychologists as I'm sure many other helplines would do including Beyond Blue. All the psychologists replied to my emails and some who couldn't fit me in gave me alternative numbers to call, it was great to know they were willing to work with me.

So never lose hope, it might take a few psychologists but it's worth sticking to it out. (that's what I keep telling myself too, it's funny how it's so much easier to give advice then to receive it.... or so it is in my case anyway).

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 20:15:01 GMT

One of the questions my psychologist asked me last session was how I became more present or recover from my inner child....

i replied ‘i Don’t know’.

I large hurdle in this task is that I don’t like thinking about me.... when I do I have very strong emotions.... it’s much easier to put myself in someone else’s shoes and ‘imagine’ what that would feel like.....

how do you come back to reality?

Its like I’m 2 people.... one is the adult me that is dealing with the demanding little child within. Hmmm maybe that’s a coping skill I could use ‘look for the adult within’. It does feel condescending though when you have to tell yourself off.

what interesting minds we have....

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Guest_1211 — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 00:27:13 GMT

Similar but different for me...

‘I don’t know’ Is a huge problem for me, a person who is actually so assertive and confident in my ‘outward’ life. I am either so overwhelmed or out of touch it becomes absolute nothingness, it is just a more of a physical feeling of threat and panic. Then I feel like I fall down inside myself and into a void, telling myself to ‘stop’ as in: stop thinking stop talking stop reacting. A shut down or freeze.

Then at some proint I become aware of myself again in the room and try to take a deep breath to come back to where I am. Like coming back to the surface, as if up out of frozen water through a hole in the ice. This is accompanied by deep feeling of shame and embarrassment, I feel watched, judged, stupid, attention seeking and time wasting. It’s so counter-productive.

My psychologist asks me where I’ve been and I really have nothing but ‘I don’t know’. Deep, nothing, nowhere.

she has tried to ask me inner child stuff but I have no identification with that or parts of myself - I find it confusing and confronting.

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:49:19 GMT

Wow Kylie. That’s amazing... it’s like you are me.....

i feel those EXACT thing after I come back too.... if it’s while I’m talking to someone I ramble and ramble and ramble but when I try to remember what I said it’s very unclear.... and disconnected. And then I leave the conversation once again feeling stupid and ashamed.... or in other circumstances I’m frozen completely. I’ve become aware of my body language at that time.... I kind of hold my hand over my mouth or seal my lips and it’s like my brain ceases to exist....

Ive read quite a bit about the parasympathetic system and the flight/freeze/fight response but what I can’t get past is ‘what to do when in those situations. The Breathe activity actually makes me panic even more....

to me I’m guessing it’s what I did while my trauma was happening... freezing in the brain meant I could escape what was going on.... and distance myself.... I could escape to a place that didn’t exist and pretend everything was okay, problem is it wasn’t okay and I deal with the guilt that I just let it happen, after all I did nothing to stop it.

If anyone has the answers/suggestions please share....

did you end up making a plan forward from here Kylie.... ie retext your psychologist, ring some helplines, visit your GP, talk to s friend? You don’t have to answer but just encouraging you to keep trying.

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 07:40:57 GMT

I know exactly what you mean Kylie.... \

You said "I am either so overwhelmed or out of touch it becomes absolute nothingness". I get that feeling too, I have no memory of what I was just talking about.... all I know is that I blabber on about nothing and when I finally unfreeze I'm unaware of what the other person was talking about... just here it like echoes in my head...

When you said ... "This is accompanied by deep feeling of shame and embarrassment, I feel watched, judged, stupid, attention seeking and time wasting. It’s so counter-productive." I absolutely absolutely associate with this... I just go and hide in a hole, no-one needs to tell me how stupid I sounded or acted I do the job of 20 people.... doesn't matter that it makes no sense it just a natural instinct to me.

You also said ... "My psychologist asks me where I’ve been and I really have nothing but ‘I don’t know’. Deep, nothing, nowhere. she has tried to ask me inner child stuff but I have no identification with that or parts of myself - I find it confusing and confronting.". This is where I differ slightly because I'm starting to see snippets of my life start to come back. It was probably helped along with the journal writing (I mentioned in other post I think, it was a bit too much too fast). But I found that a small little thing will trigger a memory and I'd follow that memory to the time and place and best I could and then I'd have a "look around". It was terrifying at first (and there's still places I won't go) but it was also eye opening... I've now started to remember other things too that weren't necessarily connected with negative things (although my mind does try to sabotage my happiness but reminding me of links all the time). The only problem for me was the reactions I get, "the triggers". They still creep me way out and I still panic and can't breathe.

Hopefully you can keep working through all these things with your psychologist. I didn't believe people when they said that it will be worth it but I had a very small "release" experience this afternoon that made it all worth it... I felt that for a tiny tiny tiny second the sun shone through the clouds... I have hope. (let's see how I feel after the sun sets..... (sad face)).

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Guest_1211 — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 08:01:45 GMT

Glad to hear you are making headway, sounds like you are a little further down the path than me, I am moving really slowly - and I’m not a patient person....

So I am trying to make some progress... I saw my GP today, and have a mild med to start tomorrow. Now just need to get the courage to actually do it!

Sent my psychologist an email just then to see if she wants to work with me again. Now the nervous wait for a reply!

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 08:45:21 GMT

That’s amazing news Fernwehr, well done on being so brave.

When I was first triggered I was Sooooo impatient to find answers.... it was very dark and I had lots and lots of panic. I have to say I would not recommend it at all, if I didn’t have a great husband I think I would have ended up in hospital for sure.... slow and steady wins the day.

I’m still feeling impatient, it’s just not overly impatient now.... it’s all the fear that things won’t work out or that the feeling will be lost again.... I miss feeling good, or content, or even little things like warmth, kindness, sensitivity, etc.

I’m so grateful for the work psychologists do, it must be soooo hard to work with peoples trauma, to actually embrace it, to understand it, it takes very special people to do it.

im just really glad to hear you’re taking control again and doing a‘reasonable’ thing.

I’ve had no experience with meds but I’m pretty certain your doctor would have your best interest at hand. It can’t hurt to try it under guidance.

I hope your psychologist returns your call soon too, but if he/she doesn’t there are heaps of other fish in the sea and there are heaps of people only a phone call away to help. It’s pretty comforting...

i just wish I could say all those things to myself, lol...

keep in touch.

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Guest_1211 — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 09:54:59 GMT

I know, it’s crazy... I have a lot of people come to me for advice in my job. But I can’t help myself.

So for now I just have to try not to get ahead of myself, but YAY, my psychologist emailed me back almost straight away and was really supportive. I am so grateful but still super embarrassed. Baby steps 😊

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 10:16:51 GMT

Oh yay....

i actually teach over 50 x year 11 students... it totally amazes me how I do it, but I love teaching them and it feels good to do it.... it’s just when I’m out of class it’s horrible.... so weird....

mall the doubts and uncertainties keep creeping in... its like my ‘child self climbs out and is yelling for attention, but when I teach it’s my adult self taking control of the situation.... it seems my child me emerges whenever I’m quiet, alone, tired or insecure... but the adult me does all the work.... or something like that....

I’m kind of excited to hear what my psychologist has for me next..., my inner child is VERY impatient.... it’s surreal how strange it is to have a battle within myself....,

I’m just really happy things are going well for you.... now snuggle down and take a big breathe and exhale it all out.... patience my friend.... ‘peace be calm’.

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 10:29:49 GMT

Impatience is triggered when we have a goal, and realize it’s going to cost us more than we thought to reach it.....

wise wordz.....

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 20:04:15 GMT

More flashbacks... more sick belly... more of my self worth gone.... ah well, never mind....

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Tue, 16 Oct 2018 06:05:12 GMT

Emotions.... what are their purpose? They are so raw.... they hurt, cut, make you soar in the clouds, cause butterflies of nervous tension and gripping pain of desertion.

You know.... I’m one of ‘the lucky ones’. I have moments of relent, but nothing feels lucky about the way I feel inside... yeah so I’m stronger than some, weaker than others, but the pain I feel is so intense and so real.... I’ve given birth to children, been cut open and had to heal, I’ve had 3 generations of my family leave this world but the pain inside that twists my bowels doesn’t measure.... it makes me ‘sick to my stomach’.

And so I deny it, I ignore it, I put on the happy face and remove my mind from my body and act the way I should. It gets easier over time (or that’s what I tell myself), after all there are sooo many more people in worse situations, right...? but I don’t want to suppress ME anymore... I want to stop sabotaging everything... I want to live, love and be loved. And I can be.... if only.... if only these hands weren’t hands of destruction, this mind would rest and take ease, these eyes would look with openness and this heart would sooth in rhythmic timing.

Just adding more of how I’m feeling.... how do you feel?

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

Idkme — Tue, 16 Oct 2018 20:01:19 GMT

Feeling a little more optimistic today... met with psychologist yesterday. She has a strange way of calming me amongst the storm... we looked at hyperarousal symptoms and hypoarousal symptoms.... it appears that the triggers I am having has caused a ‘bouncy ball’ effect.... so I need to work on positioning myself in the ‘optimal arousal zone’. To do that I need to find strategies to either ‘turn the volume up’ when I’m in hypo stage or down when I’m in hyper. At least I’m more aware those feelings are extreme... the anxiety, hypervigilance and and urgency are all those hyper responses... so what do I do? The 4782 breathing is a new one for me, write in my journal, talk to a helpline, touch exercises, read a book or talk to a friend about themselves.

If I feel hypo (depressed state). I put some music on, go for a short brisk walk, sit in a paddock where I can see clouds and wonder at nature’s magnificence, have a cuddle with someone or something, self sooth by rubbing my arms (kind of like a hug), stretch my arms up and attempt to yawn.

Its kind of cool that I can see these now and I’ve taken a photo to use when I’m at work... I’m going to look at others today and try to observe or ask them what they do.

May psychologist informs me that once I have more of a control over these things then it will be easier to discuss the underlying issues because I will be safe for when I get an ‘ahah’ moment. It will also mean I can process the information, because in the other zones I can’t think properly, I’m too focused on the parasympathetic flight/freeze/fight response.

This stuff may seem all pretty obvious to you guys but it’s a new discovery for me.

Post on here any other coping strategies you have that either turn up your volume or turn down your volume,....