topic Childhood abuse needing to face it in PTSD and trauma

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Living57 — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 00:40:37 GMT

I need some guidance, help, suggestions.

I was abused as a child.

One of my abusers went on to become a policeman in Victoria, he has since retired. He was my brother, was because I have nothing to do with him. The last time I confronted him he denied the abuse, I told him I wanted to go to the police and discuss it, he laughed at me and told me they wouldn't do anything because he was one of them and they protect there own. Then he hung up.

I have picked up the phone a few times but dont know what department or who to talk to.

Is he telling it true that they wont listen to me because he was a policeman.

I need to deal with this issue, it haunts me, and I need some peace of mind.

I just dont know what to do. Do I push it to the back recesses of my mind, or do I try and be listened to. I dont even know what could be done if they listened to me, if anything could be done.

I know it plays over and over, and my other concern is that he has granddaughters as well, are they in any danger.

Any suggestions, I would be grateful.

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Just Sara — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 06:05:41 GMT

Hi and welcome Living57;

If 57's an age bracket, then I'm your age and also with child sexual abuse in my past.

I'm glad you came here; it takes guts to post for the first time so well done! Your story's a common theme among survivors, though confronting abusers takes more courage than some have.

I chose to bring it out in the open with my family instead of court. It caused an enormous upheaval but I was heard and eventually validated. No gaol time could ever replicate the punishment and humiliation of being outed like that.

If going to the Police is what you want, then by all means, do it. Being a police officer wouldn't be a plus I can assure you. Anyone giving policing agencies a bad name will go down with a thud.

You didn't mention if you're doing ok; I hope you are. Obviously this issue's playing on your mind, but why now? What prompted you in the first place? It's been many yrs since these events took place, so I'm wondering if something's gone amiss or happened in your life to focus on him at this time.

You also didn't say if you're seeing a therapist. They would be the ideal person to mull this over with. If you can't afford it or don't have one, the 'Victims of Crime Counselling Service' can help you with up to 22 free consults.

Please Google 'Victims of Crime' in your state to discuss your options. You can also claim compensation which is another process, but worth investigating.

Do you have someone you can confide in? Does your family know and if so, are they being kind or refuse to believe it? I had a mixture of both.

I'm here most days, so if you want to talk or rant, you can be sure someone's listening and understanding your situation.

Lovely to meet you; until next time...

Kind thoughts;

Sez

Childhood abuse needing to face it

White_Rose — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 07:03:32 GMT

Dear Living57

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you have had that dreadful experience and have been carrying it around for so long. I have not been in that situation so probably cannot fully understand your pain and sense of betrayal. I do know what pain and betrayal are so can have some empathy with you.

Sez as usual has given you some great advice and suggestions. I see her point about whether you want to confront him in the family or to make a formal complaint, or possibly both. Think carefully as any complaint will involve you in remembering what happened. That doesn't mean do nothing, just be prepared then do what you feel is right.

Victims of Crime is a good place to start. They will tell you how to go about doing whatever you want. I think police officers are as disgusted with child abusers as anyone else and will not shield another officer just because he was once in the police force. So be easy on that point.

Have you been remembering this all your life or has something triggered the memory? Whatever the reason I think it would help you to speak with a professional person. As Sez says, Victims of Crime will help with this.

I hope you will continue to post here. It's a good place to vent and tell us about your anger, hurt and shame. I say shame because so many abused children grow up with shame which is totally wrong and a dreadful legacy. You have been strong enough to write in here and we will support you.

Mary

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Living57 — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 08:43:38 GMT

Hi Sez

Thank for your kindness. A bit about me. I am 61 in a matter of days.

I bought this up with my mother st the time and then again later. Do not talk about, I will deal with it, dont tell your father. Later she spoke to a sister in England to send me to her, but my sister was newly married, she didn't want this. I spoke to my priest, he said he would tlk to my mum. I told my teachers, same response. So in the ending shut it off. It has never gone away. I see pics of him, breezing through life with his I am so good, look at me attitude. It hurts me. I confronted him as I said. I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist and have a great dr. These issues came out during my last stay in a mental healthunit at hospital. I had not spoken of it before nor even my drs etc. Now it plagues me. I am estranged from my family. I have 8 brothers and 1 sister, I only have contact with two. My sister says it was so long ago it doesnt matter.

So I don't sleep, have nightmares, and feel he should be accountable for his actions.

So that's it, that's me.

Thanks

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Living57 — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 08:44:48 GMT

Hi Mary

Thank you for the words.

Rather than repeat myself, please read my reply to Sez.

Thank you for caring

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Roobot — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 11:54:29 GMT

So sorry you are going through this.

I too was abused as a child by my brother and have watched him breeze through life.

I too have a large family (7 brothers and a sister) and my sister told me once to 'tie it all up in a package and bury it'

My GP (in the UK) was the one who 'outed' him after I went for meds one day. I was faced with complete denial from him. The GP knew what channels the reporting needed to go through.

After it came out I felt like the responsibility for the safety of any other children had shifted from me to the correct agencies. It was a relief.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out as your story seemed to mirror mine.

X Roo

Childhood abuse needing to face it

White_Rose — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 12:10:19 GMT

Hello

Thank you for your reply. I see you have been living with this as an active memory all your life and that must be horrendous. There are others on this forum who have endured this abuse. How do you feel about talking with them? I will need to dig them up but if you think it it will help perhaps I can put you in touch with them.

It is sad your sister cannot relate to your hurt. It is hard to understand another's pain when there has not been any comparable event in someone's life. I know that's not much help but it is what happens. I gather you have now spoken about this abuse to both your psychologist and psychiatrist. And also that this is quite recently. Are they able to help you? It will take a while I think for you to be easier about everything so perhaps you can ask both psychs to go slowly with it. I know when I have been completely overwhelmed by my past I just cannot process anything. In fact I'm certain I don't hear much of what I'm told because it is all too hard.

There is this tension between wanting to get it over and done with and coping with my emotions and finding them piling up. One thing I have found though is that it does come to an end and there is some light. Please excuse the clichés and accept I mean what I say. On the whole it is better to go slowly. It's not an excuse but child abuse was not a topic when we were young. (I am a few years older than you). Unfortunately the victims were re-victimised by the disbelief and embarrassment of others who should have protected the young you.

I agree the perpetrators of such crimes should be accountable. Sadly the wheels of justice in this respect move very slowly. I think this is a topic you may want to explore with your mental health team. I also have a great GP and often wonder where I would have been without her.

You have two people here who will support you so please feel free to talk about anything.

Mary

Childhood abuse needing to face it

eagle72 — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 03:28:19 GMT

hello Living57

everyone deals with this shocking action differently....but, as a mum of a abused child i will share my feelings.

No one can change that it happened. Once you realise that are all alone with your abuse i feel the quicker you can heal. Because letting go....takes their power and gives it back to you!

we went to court and the sicko got supervised visits. abuse continued. and my daughter 11 years on is now a very angry confused young 14yr old.

I will always be here for her for whenever she is ready to release her emotions.

I think you just need one person in your life who you can say....its hit me....i feel sad...and that one person will say just two simple words back....

i know.....

Childhood abuse needing to face it

White_Rose — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 19:14:56 GMT

Hello Eagle72

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on supporting your daughter. Also welcome to Roobot. It is so very sad to read stories of child abuse and know the harm it has caused to so many people, both the victims and their families. One of the important aspects of the BB forum is that those with stories such as these can reach out to each other for support and understanding.

Letting go of grief and pain is great but takes time to achieve and this is where BB can help to say those words "I know". Thanks Eagle for putting it so succinctly. I hope you continue to help others with that validation.

Hello Living57. How are you doing? I would love to hear from you again. Just drop a line to say you are OK.

Mary

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Living57 — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 09:03:59 GMT

Hi Mary and all the others who have taken the time to reach out to me, thank you so very much.

I spent a lot of last week dwelling thinking and rehashing. Not that it did a lot of good.

Child abuse was not talked about or known how to be dealt with when I was a child. I understand things were different.

I have a great GP and a counsellor, but opening up hurts and the words hurt, etc.

This weekend has added to my problems, i had decided to at least go and talk to my local police, get an idea of the process etc. A friend, and i use the term loosely, was going to take me, but she pulled out when a mutual acquaintance told her I was making false allegations. I cant change that, but then she also informed me she wont take me to a meeting in Monday snd to make my own way. I am utterly shattered. I have no car, and now need to fork out $180 approx in taxi fares for return trip.

Why oh why cant something go right for once.

Sorry, my rant.

Thanks again

Childhood abuse needing to face it

White_Rose — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 11:52:30 GMT

Hello Living

What a shame your support person pulled out of going to the police with you. She is not responsible for any allegations you make, true or false. Did you go on your own? I understand this is difficult and would be easier if someone went with you, so how do you feel about going on your own? Why do you think someone else believes you are making false allegations?

With your proposed trip, is there any other way of getting there other than by taxi. It's a lot of money. I take it there is no one else who could give you a lift. May I ask if the meeting is worth spending $180 to get there and back?

I know how much it can hurt to open up old wounds. The alternative is to keep them to yourself and be continually hurt every time you remember. Getting it out will allow your GP and counsellor to help you manage these memories. It's not an easy journey I know and starting it takes courage. Well you have opened up here so why not print your post and take it with you when you next see either of these people. You have discovered that dwelling on this stuff, thinking and rehashing does nothing except getting you more upset. So rehash with those who can help you.

I have a situation where I keep trying to make a different story. It goes away for a time and then returns. I'm not entirely sure what triggers this but there I am waking up and going through the whole thing again with my brain on a loop. It truly is horrible. Gradually the agony is going but it does come back to haunt me and I know I cannot change anything that happened. All we can do is find ways to minimise the memories and find ways to change the tape.

Mary

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Living57 — Mon, 27 Aug 2018 07:45:32 GMT

Hi Mary

I did not end up going to the police, but I am going to. My 'friend' pulled out because the other person is friends with my abuser, and he if says he didnt do it I am a liar. So be it, cant change how or what they think.

I did go to my meeting, it was well worth the money spent and I only had to pay one way, a delightful young man drove me home, accepting only a coffee and a chat as payment. It turns out, and he showed me pic, that his adored grandmother and I could have been twins separated at birth. He lost her 3 weeks ago. I felt very humbled.

I have printed out my posts and responses as suggested and will be taking them to both my GP and psychiatrist using them as an icebreaker.

Childhood abuse needing to face it

White_Rose — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 06:54:34 GMT

Hello Living

Well I can see why your sort of friend refused to take you to the police. Sad but not the end of the world. Pleased you are going ahead with it.

There are delightful people in the world I'm happy to say and the young man who gave you a lift sounds as though he has a good heart.

It is amazing when someone tells you how much you look like such and such, a friend or relative. I've had that happen once and my altar ego lived in Canada.

I hope the appointments with your GP and psychiatrist go well. They will have their own thoughts on your posts and it will help you to start feeling more relaxed. Smart move. I hope you will find some peace.I would love to know how you get on with these people but only what you are OK to share.

Mary

Childhood abuse needing to face it

eagle72 — Thu, 13 Sep 2018 01:10:01 GMT

hello white rose,

thankyou for your reply on my two words of advice...i know...

its all i wanted in the past 11 years...just someone to say i know...even though i knew they COULDNT POSSIBLY KNOW it still felt nice to be heard.

i want Living57 to know that the journey of recovery is hard!!! and lonely.

i am a mum of an abused 2yr old girl by her dad. she is now 14 yrs.

what you do on this forum whiterose is fantastic.... but, the help has to be offered at the court process.

why was i treated like a mad woman not a protective parent?

why is my life, friends family scrutinised in every way, but the abuser can say NOTHING?

and why is my daughters testimony, vat evidence treated like a story...not EVIDENCE?...how on earth COULD SHE MAKE THIS UP????

THE COURT PROCESS NEEDS CHANGING.....

i wish i had the clout to do this. i would dedicate my last breath to this.

so my point to all this...

we are all alone....and we need to stay strong...we need to do more...

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Just Sara — Fri, 14 Sep 2018 04:18:46 GMT

Hi Eagle and welcome to the forum; (shout-out to Living, Roo and Mary)

Unfortunately I know all too well what it's like to defend my infant's rights with authorities. I think the sexual abuse by a good friend probably started at around 18 months old and stopped at 2 1/2 after I caught him in the act. That was over 20 yrs ago.

To my knowledge my son doesn't remember the events, (thank God!) but I remember the blood curdling screams, his inappropriate 'acting out' afterwards, the yrs of night terrors that followed and a major panic attack where he thought he was dying; he was 5.

The positive in this? He had me! Yes, I took on all of it to save my child from his own mind. It's what mum's like us do yeah? During all of this though, my own childhood abuse came up with a mighty crash. I honestly don't know how I'm still here tbh, but I am and that's a blessing.

Police and welfare agencies were really nice, but as my son didn't have very good verbal skills there wasn't a lot they could do. I sort of get it there. But I caught the man in the act! My verbal skills are pretty good I'd say. Ah, but I'm not a credible witness! I'm biased!? Abso-bloody-lutely I was!!!!

Taking a deep breath here...whew! It still hurts...

Being a victim of child abuse and then dealing with my son's abuse, was traumatic in the true sense of the word. My mum was talking about it only last night as if she was reading it out of a gossip magazine. I got up and left after letting her know I wouldn't tolerate talk like that around me.

I know what you're going thru, what you've been thru and what life holds in store for you down the track. You're a gutsy woman; a lioness clawing at the enemy while trying to keep your life together and stay sane. It's not for the faint hearted...you're a legend!

Kind thoughts;

Sez x

Childhood abuse needing to face it

Living57 — Mon, 29 Oct 2018 08:55:59 GMT

So after months I have decided that something has to be done. In hospital recovering from a stroke I have time to let my mind wander. A talk with a member of the mental health team and I was given a number to call, purely dealing with sexual abuse, current and old. I have decided for the good of my mental health I have to deal with this, acknowledging that it us only one part of my issues as a whole, and I am going to face it head on. It is not going to be easy I am aware of that, but until I face it it is not going to get any easier. I am scared on the one hand about how it will affect me, and I know it will, but bottling it up hasn't been and isnt easy to deal with.

I am scared of the roller coaster ride that will follow, the emotions it will bring with it, scared of the tears, but without them I just dont see how i can carry on.

My abuser needs to answer for what he did to me and any others for I do not believe they only do it once.

The demon who sits on my shoulder telling me I am worthless will be silenced if only for a little while, his words that I got what I deserved will be no more. I am not to blame, that is what is keeping me charged right now, it wasnt my fault.

I an clinging on to a thread, and hope once I am able to get this out it will become a dark memory, a shadow in my past. Dear God, let that happen, let it pass, to become nothing more than that, a memory.

And to those who spoke to me in these posts, thank you for being their, holding my hand and offering comfort, it is appreciated more than words can say