topic Ptsd and being in a relationship in PTSD and trauma

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Scooba — Tue, 09 Apr 2019 00:23:19 GMT

Hi everyone this is my first post but after desperately searching for some information about how my ptsd impacts my relationship i thought id reach out here to people that have ptsd and are in a relationsip. Im very aware that i struggle with feeling...

Does it make sense to anyone else that has ptsd that you know you love someone (know in your head) but dont feel anything? I battle within myself constantly questioning myself...asking can it be love if i dont feel anything?

Can i shut off and feel nothing and be in love with him?

How do i know if im in love or not?

obviously i dont feel i could talk to him about this when i dont understand it myself..plus how can i talk to him say these things without completely hurting him...

I didnt have ptsd until age 25 so my relationship pre ptsd was NOTHING like the one i have now with ptsd...i dont understand my feelings or emotions and how i meant to know if im in love with him...we have been together 2 years so its not a new relationship.

I would really value anyones help who can relate or has some knowledge of where i am coming from and how to accept or understand this and know if its love or not:/

Ptsd and being in a relationship

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 09 Apr 2019 00:40:12 GMT

Hi Scooba,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your question.

I'm wondering - does it feel like kind of a flat feeling? Like there's no kind of strong feeling there at all?

If it is, then yes, it sounds like what you're describing can be related to trauma. Sometimes the reasons can be obvious (like if your partner/relationship reminds you somewhat of your trauma), or not obvious (you may just feel that way in general). Either way, it is completely normal and can happen a lot in PTSD. While it feels awful and can make you doubt yourself, it's just our brains way of coping and it is temporary.

Are you getting some help for your PTSD? It might help to be able to hash this over with a therapist.

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Scooba — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 05:23:01 GMT

Hi thanks very much for your reply:)

It is like a flat nothing feeling like just cold and nothing...at the time its like you wouldnt care if they were here with you or not..sounds awful writing it like that:/

I stopped seeing a therapist because i never felt it helped or that i was understood. Probably because i couldnt express myself or articulate what i wanted to talk about with them. Id often be unable to talk and couldnt swallow or move in sessions so after persisting for a long time with the same thing happening i thought it best to stop going because it feels so awful and you feel worse not better.

I guess i thought maybe trying this forum some people who have ptsd might be able to help moreso then someone who doesnt and cant really relate or understand.

Anyways thanks for your reply.

Ptsd and being in a relationship

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 23:22:52 GMT

Hi Scooba,

It's great to hear back from you! and you're very welcome 🙂

No no, not at all! I know that you do very much care. This is really really normal for trauma. It's so hard I know, because you/we can come across very coldhearted or apathetic, but it's not the case at all.

Thank you for sharing that you tried to see a therapist. Do you know if they were trained or specialised in trauma? If you're feeling like you're unable to talk or swallow, it's probably best to spend the first couple of sessions just building up rapport or talking about other things (that aren't so confronting). Before anyone talks about trauma I think they personally have to feel like it's safe to do so. Was that the case for you? Did your therapist at the time try and help you feel safe or help you express yourself?

I'm happy to answer any questions or try and help in anyway that I can. Feel free to have a browse of the other trauma threads too and say hi there if you like - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma

Ptsd and being in a relationship

BOC64 — Thu, 11 Apr 2019 06:47:40 GMT

Hi Scooba

Thank you for your post as I have felt essentially the same with all my relationships and apart from being married for 8 years I have really had no long term relationship. Ultimately my marriage ended due to my often self destructive behavior. I can not remember how often I have heard that I was a lovely and caring man but i wasn't really present. I wish you all the best.

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Croix — Thu, 11 Apr 2019 13:01:51 GMT

Dear Scooba -and BOC64 who might be interested~

Romantic_thi3f has given you some great advice. I'd like ot say that I can easily relate to your post as I was invalided out of my occupation with PTSD, depression and anxiety.

When it was bad I wanted to be a lone -not necessarilt move out of hte ohme, but just be in a quiet room or otherp lace, nobody else. Angry, scated, cried (whihc was itslef scary) and a feeling of isolation form myself. It was as if I was on one side of a glass all, and I was on hte otherside, so I was cut off fro myself.

Love was gone, in fact I had no idea if I was even capable of love. Libido zero, desire for affection zero. I used to worry I'd be caught up in my thoughts of the events in question or something similar and be so cross and resentful if even the mildest action was taken -like asking if I was ok or offering a cuppa, that I might lash out -(I never did.)

That "never did" is important. Looking back I could see that even then I was concerned for my wife. Love and all but the most negative emotions seemed absent They were in fact not gone, but buried and still had an influence.

I've been unable to respond in a therapy session -frozen.

Medical support was for me essential, and I suspect for you too. Fortunate I had a GP and psychiatrists htat were competent, and patient.

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Croix — Thu, 11 Apr 2019 13:13:37 GMT

I hit the POST button before I'd quite finished. All those typos uncorrected -sorry.

Your emotions and love returns, it did for me, and I became able to fully take part in family life again and be a support to my wife, who had a terrible time, looking after me, the offspring, working and household matters too.

If you cannot take part in a therapy session write it all down first, then if you seize up the items will still be there, plus answering questions abut what you wrote can be a lot easier than explaining face-to face.

If that ends up going nowhere see your GP and get a trauma specialist psychologist or psychiatrist. It took time, therapy, meds and a loving supportive family but I'm different person now.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Croix

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Scooba — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 11:25:36 GMT

Hi Everyone thanks for the responses and input:)

The therapist I saw was not a trauma specialist...however I think I trusted them but I was never able to articulate what i wanted to freeze and have your jaw clench tight shut was embarrassing and frightening for me and them I kept trying to go and hope it would get better but i didn't. I know I cant start from the beginning with anyone new theres too much and I cant go back to it I cant the thoughg of telling someone again from yhe start I cant its too much and after a session its like bue seeyou in 4 weeks cause im booked up...so u are a mess and they just send you on your way out of the office to go deal with life...its wrong how it works in my oppinion but thats probably a differentt post:)

I would really like to know how or what I need to do to get my emotions and to feel love back? I dont want to hurt my partner I want to feel love and close to him...

I thought id lost any future of career kids marriage...then i see it in my sight...then back step and think im never going to have this my ptsd life just cant have this and be functional.

I hate who ive become with ptsd i realise that soft compassionate caring person is gone now and I cant get it back...being close to someone that in your head you know you love but you dont feel it highlights that im now intolerant hard cold and im hurting my partner that needs all the soft caring compassion i now dont have and it makes me hate who ive become even more when im with him because he reminds me im not these nice things im awful and cold:/ Whats wrong with me who am i now...

I know people say it takes time...how much time and is there anything i can do to get this soft compassion side of me back again?

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Croix — Tue, 16 Apr 2019 12:22:19 GMT

Dear Scooba~

You are going to be impatient with me becuse I'm going to repeat what I said before -plus one other thing.

Writing it all down at your leisure , then giving/posting/emailing it is easier. And it is worth hanging out for a trauma specialist, they can ask things rather than relying on you to bring things up. Look upon all that ghastly repetition as improvement -no need to set down the worse bits, just the idea.

To find that old loving person again is stages, even though you may be impatient and resent the idea -offer your partner a cuppa unexpectedly or offer a (probably silent) walk. Even hold a hand.

TELL your partner you are worried you cant' get back as you were -it shows you want to.

They are hard to do, but can offer a grimmer of hope (to both of you)

The good thing I mentioned is that you are already feeling for your partner, you have gone beyong the isolated stage I described as a glass wall, you are improving right now.

You will get here Scooba

Croix

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Scooba — Wed, 17 Apr 2019 00:11:36 GMT

Hi Croix

Thankyou for your replies this really has given me some hope and ideas. Thankyou:)

Ptsd and being in a relationship

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 17 Apr 2019 02:17:23 GMT

Hi Scooba,

Thanks for your post. You probably won't like what I have to see either but I think there is serious value in seeing a therapist particularly one who is specialised in trauma. I hear that it does sound overwhelming, but I think the end result (of feeling better and less shut off) does make it worthwhile. When therapists are experienced in trauma, they know how difficult it can be for clients - which means that it's not about making you share your story. What if you were to see a therapist knowing you didn't need to?

I don't think that that soft compassionate caring person is gone now. I think they're hiding, and I think they're hiding so well that you don't think they exist anymore. I think for you to 'get it back', it's important to understand that everything that you're feeling is not only normal - but important. Trauma makes us put up walls, to protect ourselves. If you're able to understand that and even have some compassion for that part of you that feels intolerant and cold, it will go a long way.

The other thing that might be helpful is having these conversations with your partner - allowing them to know logically what's happening and that even though it may feel personal at times, it's not. That way they're able to see all of you knowing how hard you're trying to make it all work. Croix already touched on this so well. 🙂

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Dee781 — Sat, 20 Apr 2019 16:56:14 GMT

I’m not sure I’m in the right place, but, I’ve had PTSD from 10 years ago, I have a reasonably good relationship with my bf, but sometimes (especially when drinking) I hate him, get angry with him and can’t stand him around me if he does/ says the slightest thing wrong. Am I a bad person? Or just still not handling things the way I should? I’m always angry, all the time. I wish I wasn’t but I don’t know how to fix it 😞

Ptsd and being in a relationship

Croix — Sun, 21 Apr 2019 14:08:05 GMT

Dear Dee781 (with a wave to Scooba)~

You are very welcome here in the Forum and you have chosen the right Section to post in, which is good. It might be better if you had your own thread. You can of course stay in this one and keep posting, however if you have you own thread you stand a much better chance of talking with more people who feel similar.

If you are uncertain how then Sophie_M has explained at the start of this thread:

Forums / Welcome and orientation / The forum FAQ thread

If you get stuck please sing out.

Now I'll mention that when my PTSD was at its worst I was a very angry person, said things that nobody should and felt frustrated at myself and sorry - but out of control -after.

So it may well be your anger is a symptom, as it was for me. Unlike you I did not drink, which probably made my reactions less extreme than yours.

Can I ask if you are under treatment? A psychologist or psychiatrist, meds and therapy? without these I simply would have kept on getting worse.

If you are under treatment I suggest you talk the anger and the drink over with them, if you are not then now would be an excellent time to start -a long appointment with a GP is as good a way as any.

Anger can do so much harm. As a first step may I make a suggestion? No matter how furious you become, even to the hate level, NEVER say anything that cannot be taken back or hurts too deep. You do permanent damage that way.

To give you a couple of examples - that do not apply to you or me, I'd never say "I'm going to divorce you" and if my partner was overweight (she's not) then I'd never call her a "fat so and so".

That takes a fair bit of self control, particularly if your BF has no hesitation in trying to say things the really hurt - maybe a pact between the two of you?

I also wonder if you have explained how it feels when you need space?

I could say more, but I guess that is enough for now

Croix