topic Feeling incapable of solo parenting in PTSD and trauma

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Mon, 26 Jul 2021 07:04:17 GMT

Has anyone experienced huge fear you’re not capable of looking after your kids on your own if you leave your abusive partner?
We left my two daughters’ dad in January after my psych finally convinced me to make contact with a domestic violence service. I didn’t know he was abusive. He’d been physical in the past but it was only a few times so I brushed it off. It’s mainly been sexual and emotional abuse. He used to yell and swear at the kids, which is why I left in the end! I knew it wasn’t right and I didn’t want them to think it was ok.
Once we left, we were put in crisis accommodation and I had a risk assessment done which resulted in child protection being involved. They put restrictions in place which meant he was only allowed supervised visits and during those few months I barely spoke to him. I realised later I didn’t have a panic attack in that time. Fast forward a few months and we were on the verge of becoming homeless (the girls and I) so I let him buy a house under his name (when we went to buy a house I found out all of our accounts were under his name only, even my inheritance) my professional supports tried to talk me out of going back to/ live with him so they put us in crisis accommodation again while we waited for a unit and get our name on a list for a refuge. We were in a dark and dingy motel 40 minutes from home and I didn’t cope well! I couldn’t fight anymore. I felt so weak and so scared but was trying to be strong for my girls but I just couldn’t so we went back to my mums which was also toxic and now we’re here in our new house and he has been pretty good, still not great but I am so turned off by my previous experiences of getting out and going into the system. I feel completely incapable of looking after our daughters on my own, even though I did it for months. I just feel like now he’s back in our life I can’t do it on my own anymore. I feel like I need him for everything. I need someone else to be responsible for our daughters even if that doesn’t involve actually doing anything for them, just knowing I’m not solely responsible takes enough presssure off me to cope. I don’t feel like my mental health will survive me being on my own again. Has anyone else had a similar experience? And did you manage to overcome those fears?
I cut off all of my professional supports because they kept voicing concern about our safety with him and it was stopping me from comfortably living with him, but I’ve re-engaged with my psychologist.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Sophie_M — Thu, 29 Jul 2021 03:57:07 GMT

Hi Anzee,

We are so sorry to hear what you are going through, it's never okay for someone to treat you in this way. Your experiences with emergency accommodation sound incredibly difficult, we're sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you're an extremely capable person to have gone through all of that while looking after your two daughters. We hope you can see how resourceful you are and know that you deserve a better situation.

We strongly encourage you to call 1800 Respect to talk about this. They may be able to support you with the financial control and help you to create a plan. They are available by phone on 1800 737 732, and they have a really good webchat. Both are available any time of night or day. The counsellors are experienced in dealing with situations where the person using violence is still in the house, and will work with you on a safety plan. If you ever feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you should call 000.

You’ve been incredibly brave in sharing with this supportive community, and we're really glad you've done so. No one should have to go through this, and we want you to know that you are not alone, members of this community are here for you with understanding, advice and kindness. Please remember that you can call Beyond Blue at any time you need to talk things through on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat or email.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Guest9337 — Thu, 29 Jul 2021 05:11:50 GMT

G'day Anzee, Welcome to the party here on bb forums. I am saddened you are in a DV situation and offer the following...

google for "8 Strategies for Dealing with an Angry Partner" at good therapy.

because you sound committed to the relationship I believe you may benefit from starting working with partner to grow some anger management strengths. Maybe you and he could do relationship counselling with the aim of becoming less stressed together.

A safety plan is probably a healthy undertaking too.

love dng.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Croix — Thu, 29 Jul 2021 09:44:53 GMT

Dear Anzee~

You have had lots of point of view given to you, by police, by social and DV workers, by your freind and by peole here.

You were also in two minds, and going away had not worked out well, it has not really been the relief you sought, those that were there to help were overworked and not seen often, and all the practicalities were against you .

So you have gone back, please don't think of this as a defeat or lack of strength. An awful lot of people who have suffered abuse do return. Then for some matters go back how they were before -or worse- and they leave again, others don't. It's hard to predict.

How you feel right now is basically powerless, leading you to doubt your own ability to be a mum on your own. Give it time and then see how you feel. At the moment the circumstances under which your returned is too recent and is heavily influencing you.

You made a break, and if driven to it will make another. In the meantime the only suggestion I'd make (apart from the Safety Plan, as mentioned by david'n'goliath) is to see if there is any way you can retrieve either money or part title so you have more independence.

All the professionals that seemed unhappy with your return are unrealistic, and probably know it, however they are not offering any viable alternative, particularity as you currently still have feelings for your husband and no money or rellies to help.

I hope your psychologist is someone you get on with and understands it is not all easy and black and white.

Croix

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Sat, 21 Aug 2021 12:00:00 GMT

I’m feeling a bit more calm now. I’m starting to accept I have tried SO many different avenues to make a better life for my girls, but the odds always seemed to be in my favour. All

of the services are just so overworked and overstretched and I am really good at pretending I’m ok amd don’t need support.

I have noticed some things slipping into old patterns, but nothing too serious yet (mainly just things between him amd I and I try to make sure it doesn’t happen if the kids are up) I am still worried the girls are going to become aware of these behaviours because I seem to just ignore them and or dissociate which helps me back into that deep denial.

We have spoken about putting my name on the title, but apparently we have to live in the house for 12 months and then he can refinance and add my name so there’s nothing I can do before then.

I have a couple of safety plans through different services but so far I’ve been I’ve been too unsure about whether or not incidents have been classed as a breach or not.

my psychologist is great, but I’m always so back and forth in my decision making and even when we progress in a session, by the next week I am back to where I was before because at the end of the day I only have her and one other really good friend for support and I feel like a massive burden to both of them so then I decide I need to push them away so they’re off the hook and I remind myself I ha e nowhere to live without him, no money without him and it’s back to me being solely responsible for the girls and I can’t provide them with anything really on my own so that just makes me want to push away my 2 supports even more and just accept this is my life.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Croix — Sat, 21 Aug 2021 13:31:37 GMT

Dear Anzee ~

I think your post shows what a sensible person you are to see realistically that any break is never going to be easy, which is not to say it will never happen

Another time you may be in a better position concerning outside resources. I guess it is, like most things, a learning experience. You have the strenght as you have show, just not the resources at the moment

The fact things are not quite so bad at the moment is hopeful, and I hope you can develop or maintain the techniques that keep it that way. Nothing while the kids are awake is a good start, any chance of extending on that?

With the business over the house title maybe you might seek independent advice, perhaps Anglicare Financial Services or some other free not for profit agency

As far as being unsure about breaches, please seek outside advice, then you will know where you are, though seeking advice does not mean you have to act on it but can be a record of incidents if you want on for the future.

This of course does not include circumstances where you or your kids are in danger, then I don't think you have any choice but to ring 000

Now we come to the part of your post that if I understand it properly is simply is not sensible at all. There should be no way you should push your freind or your psychologist out of your life. You need comfort, perspective and care and they , apart from your kids, are the places you can get it.

OK you may feel a burden, and change your mind as differing factors come to the for. It is so easy to sit in an office and not remember waht life is really lifke at home. Then when you return all hte problems you face come back into your mind

This is perfectly fine. Your psych is someone you get on with and it is her profession to support, help and counsel, It is something she sees all the time. Please do not worry about the effect on her, you are worth any medical professional trying hard to help you, and that includes having patience and seeing your problems clearly

Friends are gold, they help make life so much better .Please remember you are her freind too, not just someone that only uses her. If you feel you are a burden than try to make conversions and visits enjoyable for both of you, do good things together, as well as seeking support

Life and circumstances do change, I never though I'd ever do anything but be useless stuck at home for the rest of my life when I was invalided out of my occupation

Now life is so far from that it's unbelievable

Croix

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 01:13:38 GMT

The more I let old patterns in, the worse I feel about myself as a mum. I know deep down this isn’t the type of relationship I want them to learn.
At the same time though, sometimes I feel like I want him to do these things to me, and I encourage them. Like if it’s been a few days without that affection I joke around with him and I think I know what his reaction is going to be, so I’m almost inviting him to do things to me?! Like that’s me giving him permission so then I feel a lot of shame afterwards because I brought it on myself. I’m sure a part of it is my desperate search for love and affection and I know that’s one sure way to get it from him! But I feel like I’m just doing this to myself and digging a deeper hole for myself, instead of working my way out of that hole.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Croix — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 12:37:32 GMT

Dear Anzee~

You are good person in an impossible situation, and like most good peole blame yourself and even regard yourself as at least part cause.

Let's be pragmatic, you are stuck in your present domestic situation, you know that because you have tried your hardest to leave and it did not quite succeed that time.

So now you have to try and adjust to that domestic situation of oyur return-one you did not choose. Trying involves all sorts of things and you are simply following instinct to the least harmful path -and that makes you wonder if you seek it all out -you don't. It makes you feel guilt and shame -wholly undeserved.

Don't misunderstand me when I say your feeling you are encouraging him at times is OK, every day is different and so will be your reactions. Grab what solace you can and regard yourself with kindness, you deserve it.

If your children can see you love them deeply that is the most important thing of the lot.

Croix

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 21:48:41 GMT

Croix, I really like your replies. You always make me feel like a normal human being with normal feelings and reactions, instead of always feeling different, a burden and an outcast. So thanks for always making me feel understood.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Croix — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 10:37:55 GMT

Dear Anzee ~

Thank you, your reply helps me as well. I'm simply offering you a way to see yourself in a different light, the way sensible people outside the situation would see you. You're fine and worthy, but sadly judge yourself too harshly.

Croix

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 12:38:53 GMT

My psych told me tonight she’s leaving private practice in October and I haven’t been as scared as I was in a very long time. She has been one of the very little people I have who have been consistent support. She lets me make my own choices and doesn’t tell me I have to leave him or she’ll report him etc. I feel so sad and broken and wish I could take everything I’ve talked to her about back and pretend it wasn’t real.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Croix — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 11:31:31 GMT

Dear Anzee~

I guess the first thing to say is that your time with this particular psychologist has not been a waste of time. You have found that under the right circumstances you can tell someone else about your circumstances. You have also found not everyone is harsh or judgmental -and does not try for an easy fix.

On top of that you have been given respect, encouraged to make your own decisions and she has been content to know that whatever your decisions were they were well founded.

She has been considerate in not leaving you in the lurch by simply disappearing and it may well be that between the two of you another like-minded psych can be found to take over.

On a practical note it may be the women's resources you have been though may have suggestions if your current psych does not.

So find a new psych, give him or her a decent trial, then see if the two of you are a good fit, if not you need to look elsewhere. You may find there are more allies in the world than you imagined.

Yes I realise it is frightening as one person you depended on is leaving and trying to change is scary, however you made a good attempt at leaving home, it was only circumstances that let you down. If you have the strenght to do that you can handle this.

Croix

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 19:03:17 GMT

I feel so scared and alone and exposed. I unpacked my entire life and put it all on the table and now I feel like I have been abandoned which I felt was going to happen the whole time, that’s why I struggle so much to trust people. Now I don’t know what to do with it and how to pack it all away safely, instead of pretending none of its real (what I usually do) and feeling like I’m going to explode! I feel so exposed right now and I’m way to scared to trust someone else at the moment. I feel like I can pack the current stuff away because I have nowhere else to live, he has been so good about this, he has sorted the kids and taken care of them while I cry in bed. But I don’t know what to do with the rest. I feel like I have a whole life of trauma out on the table without enough time to pack it away before I’m on my own. I feel too raw and scared to trust someone else right now. Especially with the trauma I have, it makes me feel naked.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Sophie_M — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 20:07:51 GMT

Dear Anzee,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Wed, 25 Aug 2021 01:32:12 GMT

Thanks Sophie_m

i know deep down I’m just catastrophising but I’m finding it really tough. I feel like I’ve just been abandoned and I’m a little bit angry I trusted her as much as I did and am really starting to wish I just kept everything packed away inside, but I’m also aware this is most likely just a stage of the grief I’m feeling and I’m sure next time I talk to her things will be fine and she’ll reassure me that I can trust the next person.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Croix — Thu, 26 Aug 2021 08:03:00 GMT

Dear Anzee~

What you are feeling is perfectly reasonable. You have invested time, trust and courage in telling your psych some of the hardest things in your life, and now she is leaving and the relationship the two of you built up is going too.

So who would not feel lost, fearful, even angry and betrayed?- Though I expect you are doing your psych an injustice with that last two.

The prospect of a new person coming straight in and taking over where your psych left off is probably not very realistic. After all, even if you don't feel that way, you are actually in charge.

There is nothing wrong in explaining it takes time to build up a relationship and during the interim you would prefer not everything be put on the table. Interact for a while and see how it goes. If they are simpatico gradually allow those details to be brought out. If not try for someone else

Ideally your departing psych will give you a couple of names, or develop a strategy with you for the hand-over.

This is somethng that happens, please try to remember any psych worth their salt will be familiar with handovers and very mindful of the difficulties this causes persons such as yourself.

Please let us know how you are getting on again soon

Croix

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Thu, 26 Aug 2021 10:53:39 GMT

Hey Croix, I’m actually starting to feel a lot more settled already which is a relief. Even though I froze when my psych told me, I couldn’t talk or respond but I do remember her telling me to feel whatever I need to feel, she told me to feel angry , let down. I told her I wasn’t angry at her but she kept telling me to feel something. I think it just takes me a while until things sink in and when I’m in trauma mode I just can’t take in anything.

I have realised that my main fear is that she was the only professional I had who I could be open, honest and give details about how things are in our relationship, without threatening to report him, and without trying to convince me to leave him. I decided to try and talk to my DV worker and ask if she would be more open to me speaking honestly about what happens in our relationship without reporting him, she grilled me and told me it is impossible for her not to report him because he is abusive, and it’s her duty of care to make sure we are safe. I think she was trying the tough love approach as she was brutal, she told me she has women who are actually leaving their high risk situation that need her support and she doesn’t have the capacity to support someone like me staying and condoning the abuse. I cried a lot because she just kept saying things that made me feel like a terrible person and mum but I know that wasn’t her intention. Anyways I have also talked to a family service who are going to start working with us all soon to help manage our home life and I’ve asked her to organise couples therapy for us. I was an absolute mess when I spoke to her as it was the morning after I’d found out, so she did say we needed to get me a counseler first, but it is looking promising to have those supports in place and I’ll try and talk to my psych next week about the people she has in mind to hand me over to. I think I just freaked out and went worst case scenario and let my anxiety run wild. Who knows where I’m going to be at tomorrow, but at the moment I’m ok 🙂

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Guest9337 — Thu, 26 Aug 2021 14:43:56 GMT

Hi Anzee, who knows where we will be tomorrow indeed, sorrowful or gleeful or flat or whatever...? So many billions of moments of emotional needs.

I'm glad you are ok at the moment, that is good news to me and us all here at bb.

I have today discovered that a microsoft account can provide an app named "family" that does all sorts of interesting things to bring harmony to family life in a digital world. Calendars communal, private spaces to chat in text quietly, video channels to face to face chat when out n about, places for shopping lists and to do lists, and quite a bit more. Maybe you could set all your inner family up with that on pc and devices/phones and open another line of sharing communication that is polite, discrete yet powerful and easy to use and navigate?

Could be a way to incrementally improving your situation. Good luck, let me know what u think/discover/feel outcome. love dng.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Anzee — Thu, 26 Aug 2021 21:51:44 GMT

Hey dng,
That is a great idea, except I lost most of our family and friends over the separation. His family obviously took his side, my family are very complicated and there is a long history of severe DV on my mums side so my family struggled to understand that if he wasn’t beating me up how is it DV and they couldn’t understand why I suddenly left, they were sure there had to have been a reason, a major episode that made me leave. And when child protection got involved that’s when everyone disagreed and were on his side because he cried to everyone swearing it was only ever emotional and he didn’t know why child protection were involved. I have one good friend and a couple of friends I still talk to every now and again but that’s it.

Feeling incapable of solo parenting

Croix — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 13:22:11 GMT

Dear Anzee ~

Your psych sounds most sensible, and recognizes you will feel a whole parcel of emotions in time, from anger to loss. That does not mean it happens straight away, it is ok to wait and see how you feel.

Talking over transfer arrangements with her will help.

I'm not sure your DV worker was on the right track, sounded as if frustration was coming though. It's true cases of DFV should be reported, at least to a supervisor. It may not be a good idea at all to seemingly induce you to go down a path you have been down once already and found that the promised resources are limited and come to an end. So what does she really have to offer?

To put it simply, you are not a terible person, simply someone in circumstances that would be very hard for anyone at all, you do what you must. On top of that you need kindness and understanding, not harsh 'tough love' treatment. Your psych is wiser.

I'm glad you have found a family service who seem promising.

Things will not stay the same for ever

Croix