topic Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse] in PTSD and trauma

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

MGee — Thu, 10 May 2018 09:41:39 GMT

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old girl. I left her Narcissistic Father im WAS when she was 2.5 months old to free us from his emotional, psychological, financial and verbal abuse when it started to get physical and I was concerned he would rape me.

I moved back to SA where my family are from, but couldn’t get childcare and hence couldn’t work. I always dreamed of living back in QLD, where I spent 7 years and have many work connections. I also could get childcare right away.

I don’t regret moving. I love QLD and I’m working. What’s hard is being a single parent with no suppprt and then dealing with a child who regresses in her toileting (5-6 accidents a day) post spending time with her Father. The Father doesn’t care, the family court didn’t care and the Independent Children’s Lawyer didn’t care.

I saw my GP today and I present well. It’s the mornings and nights with my Daughter when she’s constantly not listening and having accidents that I sit on the floor and cry. I don’t drink and exercise is part of my job, that’s what’s helped me not give her up when I feel like I have had no time for myself these past 3.5 years. It’s just compounded by her out of character behaviour post visit.

I look on the positive side, try and get enough sleep etc...but I am getting worn out. Court is now over after 2.5 years and I tell myself that things will get better. But I don’t think I actually believe it.

Does anyone co parent with a Narcissist?

Do you know where I could get help for my Daughter and I so we don’t turn on each other?

Thank you x

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

Croix — Thu, 10 May 2018 13:37:53 GMT

Dear MGee~

I'd like to welcome you here, and first off say you certainly sound a pretty strong, level headed and capable person to deal with such a toxic partnership and start to make a new life for you and you daughter. Sadly many people just remain trapped.

It is a very worrying thing your daughter displays this behavior after visiting her father. Is it possible for you to find out what is actually happening during those visits that so upsets her? If you have done so already my apologies however if it was me I'd be taking my daughter to the doctor for a thorough physical after visits. If nothing else that might reassure you there is no straight physical cause.

I'm glad you are seeking medical support for yourself. While you said your family was interstate is there anyone to be on your side and help, a friend or another relation who lives closer?

I do hope you feel comfortable enough here to return and say more

Croix

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

MGee — Thu, 10 May 2018 20:58:50 GMT

Hi Croix

Thank you for the reply.

I have asked my Daughter but she’s so young and her Father is very manipulative. I feel he is just not showing her any emotional support when she is with him and also he places very high expectations on her. For example she came back from a visit and got very anxious and said seriously when we were colouring ‘No Mummy! You have to colour inside the lines. You can’t go outside. That’s what my Daddy told me!’ I looked at her and said, you’re 3, colouring is fun and you just need to do your best.

I will take her to the Dr if this keeps happening next week. She’s seeming like more herself everyday, which is good.

Thank goodness for childcare!

Ive got some friends but they can only really be relied on in an absolute emergency.

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

Ggrand — Thu, 10 May 2018 22:51:11 GMT

Hello MGee,

I would also like to welcome you to the forums..

Can I just say first off, I think you are very braves and strong to have left your Narcissistic partner..I wish I had the courage you did..I remained trapped in my Marriage for 38 years...

We had three sons, two we raised together..Hubby's ideas of raising our sons was different from mine..He was a perfectionist and expected, me..and our sons to be..He was tough of our sons, with no affection at all shown to them throughout their lives..They were never good enough for him, he put them down all the time...and their self esteem was low..

There was no effection shown to them by their dad, only orders that had to be done properly, or they would be berated..I had so many broken pieces of their lives to pick up daily and give them enough encouragement and love that was never shown to them by there dad...

I can only suggest that if you can, just ask your daughter about her visits to her dad, but in a fun sort of way that she is comfortable with...

I wish you only the best for you and your daughter..

Kind and gentle thoughts,

Grandy.

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

Croix — Fri, 11 May 2018 13:37:18 GMT

Dear MGee~

It may be very draining and upsetting for you but your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you. Hopefully it will be a foil to her father's behavior. As Grandy has said there are some who withhold affection and simply expect their idea of perfection and obedience,. Basically a very destructive way to be with untold bad effects on children.

It was perceptive of you to notice the business of the coloring.

May I ask what you do simply for you? Something you enjoy and can look forward to each day? I have found it is very important to have a distraction and reward regularly. I use books, movies and pets, plus a walk. Have you anything like that?

Croix

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

MGee — Wed, 16 May 2018 07:29:47 GMT

Hi Grandy

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, I was strong but I only left because my Mother told me that she would help me and I was not alone. If you don't feel you can talk to anyone about it who will believe and support you, how can you possibly do it alone. They make it every hard to leave.

Almost 4 years on and I feel my progress to get my life back is very slow. I am trying to remain optimistic, but almost daily I wish my life were very different and hate myself a little for sleeping with her Father. I am trying to move through those feelings, but it's hard when I am not in a position where I am happy with my life. I hope to be there soon when I pick up a bit more work.

Thank you for your comments.

Much love

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

MGee — Wed, 16 May 2018 07:38:04 GMT

Hi Croix

Thanks. My heart is less and less in looking after her post her seeing her Dad. I just ask myself why am I doing this, this ground hog day of 5am starts and limited ability to work and daily tantrums etc... Why don't I just give up and go and focus on me and my life? I am 40 and never been overseas, I've been staving off bankruptcy for 5 years hoping the debt collectors will stop calling. My quality of life is pretty crap.

All to make sure her best interests are maintained.

He hasn't asked for custody, but I really just don't want to pick her up from the airport when he next has her. She will fly from Brisbane to Adelaide and stay in 2 different hotels, meeting all these people she has never me before, including his new wife. I tried to stop it but the court agreed to it.

She will be a mess to look after when she comes back again. I simply can't do it anymore.

Yes I do something for myself everyday, but it's not enough for me anymore. I want a better and different life without daily tantrums and struggles. I need to save myself.

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

Croix — Wed, 16 May 2018 09:44:56 GMT

Dear MGee~

Right now life is not good and you are drained. You sound very tired and dispirited. Such a long grind with no visible end does that, particularly when you seem to be all alone with this.

I know your mum promised help, but you had to leave to go to Qld to get work. That might have seemed logical but being away has made things harder. Can you think of anyway of getting some support for a while? Could for example one of your family travel up for a while? Or a friend?

Regretting being with her father is being very unkind on yourself. With hindsight anyone can be clever, but facing relationships at the time there are no clear direction or danger signals.

40 with a young child is not an end. My wife married me at a little over that age, she had a child too. That was 20+ years ago. Not much help now, but there is a future.

Croix

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

MGee — Sat, 19 May 2018 04:03:09 GMT

Dear Croix

Thank you for taking the time to write.

Yep. I am tired and drained. I want a break. No, no one wants to help me. If I was in Adelaide it would be the same though. Too many people just caring about their own lives and judging my decisions.

I am glad it worked out for you.

Cheers
:)

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

Croix — Sat, 19 May 2018 05:28:00 GMT

Dear MGee~

Well I guess my point was that the rest of your life has possibilities like mine did, though like you I'd not believed the fact at the time. Is your mum one of the ones who judges and does not want to help?

I hate to sound as if I do not understand by asking this, but what can you do in the way of mini-breaks (even a few hours) and things you can enjoy just for you? I can only look as myself and have found such things are most important to my well being. Just looking forward to a chapter or a podcast has made things more bearable, as can a walk.

Croix

Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

Quercus — Sun, 20 May 2018 15:28:22 GMT

Hi MGee,

I wanted to join in and reply because I somewhat understand your exhaustion. I have a 3 and a 4 year old and most days I don't enjoy being a parent unfortunately.

The difference is I do have my husband and mum in law who watches the kids one day a week so I can see a psychiatrist. So if I'm shattered I can't begin to comprehend how exhausted you must be.

Plus add in an ex happy to let you deal with the responsibility and he just gets to swoop in and play Dad when it suits him. My friend deals with that and she resents it too.

Right. Enough waffle. You need help so lets talk about you. First off what does your weekly routine look like? I was told recently by our child health nurse that all parents NEED an hour a day kid free. Not to do chores either. An hour of time out for YOU. Part of me just laughed. "Yeah ok in the dream world where we pick money off our money tree". But it is possible.

The hard part is when I am exhausted I've got no time or patience for problem solving. So nothing changes. And I put suggestions in the too hard/unrealistic basket without thinking.

So... Look at your routine. Write it out. And find time. You are worth it. Like you said it is not fair to put your life on hold when your ex doesn't but the reality is your little one needs you. Your balance is all out. Everything (time, money, effort) is going to your child and you miss out. That is the right way to resenting your child. And I'm sure you do at heart love her.

What are options with no/little money?

1. Find your local women's health centre. They run very low cost counselling and activities and usually have a creche while you attend.

2. Local swimming pool. These usually have a low cost creche. Swim or sauna or pack snacks and have quiet in a patch of sun. Read a book. Whatever you like.

3. Daycare. Some parents love it. Others loathe it. But if work is important for you for finamces and sanity and esteem then a few days a week won't hurt her. If you work there are subsidies you just have to speak to Centrelink first.

4. Joint custody. Maybe ask the ex whether he wants this. Do you think maybe the toilet regression is anxiety based? If he was responsible for her care and earned her trust do you think she would improve?

I hope this helps or at least makes you aware these feelings are normal when you're exhausted.

Time to make yourself an equal priority to your little one.

Nat