topic Living in a dream in PTSD and trauma

Living in a dream

sara111 — Fri, 15 Jun 2018 20:31:11 GMT

I'm living life in my tv, laptop and dreams. They're where I feel normal. My home's untidy to the point I have no clean plates or utensils and I don't even want to shower or look after myself. I do things when I'm feeling good but mostly I'm lost in pretend worlds that offer make believe and fantasy.

I live alone and don't often receive visitors. My dressing gown's the clothing of choice most days. I'm not happy but I'm not unhappy either. Numb. My psychologist's away for a couple of months. I can't really afford her anyway.

I'm getting rid of myself slowly with cigarettes and bad food and lack of exercise. No more money for cig's soon. I'll be lost without them.

I'm ashamed but when I try to force myself to get into things I feel like fading away into a peaceful endless sleep.

thanks for listening

Sara

Living in a dream

Ggrand — Fri, 15 Jun 2018 22:34:46 GMT

Hello Sara,

Welcome to the forums,

Im sorry your struggling so much with your mental health,

Thank you for sharing your story, 7months ago I could have written near your exact words, I would smoke, eat anything that didn't require any effort more then a can opener to open and didn't need cooking...I was in fact living like you are.. I'm still living the way you are a few days a week, but I will get up and cook and eat healthy, I stopped smoking, and I go outside for at least half an hour daily..

Im not entitled for age pension yet..and where I live is no work, it's just a tiny village in the central west, and I live alone...Centrelink told me I had to now work for my payments, I was told I would have to do volunteer work somewhere in the nearest town...I found the local op shop and applied Their told my job network and with their help I got the job.

I now had to go out once a week or no payments, I did and still am doing this...In fact it's the best thing that happened to me,,I hated it and struggled really hard getting in weekly but I had no choice and I persevered and now I am okay getting myself up and to work...still some days I find it very difficult to go in and don't go.

3weeks ago I decided to go a Darts team in the next little village..Now I have two days out a week, I'm still struggling to get to Darts but I will do it...

Do you think you could do some volunteer work, even 1 day a week, it will probably be very hard ato do this but I'm hoping that once you do it a few times it will become easier..

Depression is the pits...Your distracting yourself by playing the games, and watching tv, another good way of distraction is to go outside and just look around you and see that their is a beautiful world outside your front door...

Sara, if you need to talk to someone while your psych is away, here is a number I have used a lot when I was doing really badly...BB 24/7..1300 22 4636...they are very kind and really wonderful people who will help you through a really rough patch...Lifeline is another 13 11 14...Please ring those numbers if you need to speak to someone..

This is your thread now to talk as much or as little as you want, about anything..looking forward to hearing back from you..I would really like to get to know you and try to help if I can...Please Sara, look after yourself..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy...

Living in a dream

Vero — Fri, 15 Jun 2018 22:41:22 GMT

Hi Sara,

good to hear from you. Your posts reminds me of me (without cigarettes) fighting with my ocd. I won by the way, but I would not bother washing, wear dressing gown, have sticky floors, general mess and the toilet that makes me feel sick to look at. I pushed the my norm of “clean” and self care bc I was tired of the ocd and the link between perfectionism, cleanliness, tidiness and my survival. Whilst initially fighting within myself to keep ignoring dust bunnies on the floor, etc i have eventually resigned into it. It was a scarring time as I felt no motivation to get out of it. Until one unexpected moment when I saw birds pruning themselves. It appeared to me then that self care was part of natural dignity of all living organisms and this became my new base line. I applied baby steps approach and put no pressure on myself to do anything else than just shower. It was one very mindful experience and one of the longest showers ever (I’m 5 min shower person). I think I was there for 40 minuets enjoying the feel of water. Dressing gown went for a wash. I have progressively cleaned the house and gained new more relaxed approach to house cleaning; and my ablutions are no longer routines but grounding rituals.

At the core of my resignation was a mix of defiance, self care (despite the appearances), my humanity and dignity. I had a contact with my psych and from her reaction she was not impressed. Perhaps for a good reason as I recall “Alice in the wonderland” moment thinking how deep is this hole? Do I want to find out?

in absence of your psych, did she appointed/ recommended her “on duty” replacement?

Take care

Living in a dream

sara111 — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 05:17:31 GMT

Thankyou both for replying. I came here because I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone here including my psychologist. This has been progressively getting worse for a few yrs since a breakup. I lost the will to keep going.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one. Really nice. Grandy you sound like me. Although I can go out to get food, I leave it till really late and sometimes go to the 7/11 in my d/gown.

I don't think I could do volunteer work. Not yet anyway. I think you're brave, braver than me.

Vero your life of ocd and then the opposite shocked me. I used to be house proud and a great cleaner. Organised to the hilt. I have wonderful clothes all stacked and hung neatly, but haven't been able to wear them as I've put on so much weight. Maybe that's why my d'gown became the norm come to think of it.

I'm happy you both answered my post. It's good to be able to get the words out and to see responses. Bit choked up actually.

Vero I want to be able to do what you've done. Bit by bit change my behaviour. You too Grandy. I liked reading both your stories as dignity and connecting with people is so important for my mental health. It's been hard.

Sara

Living in a dream

Vero — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 13:36:11 GMT

Hi Sara,

I’m glad you find my recollection useful. It was an extreme, out of character and speculative behaviour. Fortunately it delivered intended results.

Would it make you smile to stay in touch and let us know how you are?

Just in case anyone else annoyed with their ocd ever reads this post and considers such a brutal approach, please note the potential risks were somewhat offset by that I could contact my psych at any time, i was not home alone and communicated my reasons and feelings with those living with me. The house layout provided for normal/ familiar living arrangements for other occupants. Drastic change of my behaviour patterns did raise serious concerns of my daughter (living interstate). I had to sped time on the phone dispelling these and repeatedly explaining my reasons.

Living in a dream

Vero — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 13:52:00 GMT

Grandy,

in volunteering, is it most valuable to you to have the physical interaction with people or your own project/ task?

Thank you

Living in a dream

sara111 — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 14:40:27 GMT

It seems I'm not the only one up late Vero. You did make me smile. Thankyou. It's nice to know I have company and interested people to talk with. I hope you feel the same.

I don't think people with ocd would be annoyed. Like me I think they'd find it interesting. And well, we're not responsible for how people take our words.

When I first became mentally unwell, I had an obsessive compulsion to try and predict the future. It was so overwhelming I couldn't listen to music, read anything or watch tv. The input was too much as it would flare up in my brain as 'signs'. What a difficult habit to budge.

My psychologist said it was a way of dissociating to avoid complex ptsd symptoms. I don't do it anymore but there are times my mind drifts wanting to know what's coming next. I catch myself now thank goodness and have medication if it gets too much.

I don't know if you're lucky to live with others or not. I like being on my own even though it can get lonely. I'm wondering if your mind gets overloaded by dealing with how others in your home feel.

It's enough just coping with my mentalness let alone trying to get better while people go about their day around me.

Or, maybe home support might've changed the way things went for me. I'll never know I suppose.

Anyway, thanks for talking with me. You've made a difference in my confused world.

Sara

Living in a dream

Vero — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 22:58:14 GMT

Just now I have read an article by Andrea Morris published in Forbes about “exposure therapy” discussed in Science magazine. It discusses a scientific experiment on mice (sic) where they were re-exposed to trauma in a positive and supportive environment. The neurones holding trauma memories have changed. I hope this goes into human trials soon. This could be an effective end to ptsd in the future. My brutal ocd challanged resembles what the scientists have done to mice. It worked and is permanent.

Living in a dream

Vero — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 00:05:38 GMT

Good to hear from you Sara,

i have noticed you added a pic to your profile. Nice!

I like your literary creativity,”mentalness” is a spot on term for this state of mind. Ptsd makes everyone lonely. Reading and writing here alleviates this somewhat for me.

Sounds like you put up a battle with the need for prediction. And it is great you could utilise medication. I would if I could too but the idea of taking meds triggers too much. Do you find it is just subdued or minimalised now?

Recent political changes and unpredictabilities got me into high alert and I stared building emergency food supplies. Dipping into it now but somewhat feels good to have it.

Having 3 adult children I am frequently thinking about them. It is worse than when they were little bc now they have to be the architects of their own desires. I can suggest and explain but I’m in no place to effect anything in their lives. I can only watch. 2 living very far away and phone call’s are the main contact. It can get desperate if any of them go through some issues.

do you have many birds where you live?

Living in a dream

sara111 — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 05:35:27 GMT

Hi Vero;

Hope your Sunday's restful.

It snowed here overnight. The orange glow from street lights on the snow covered ground was beautiful. (2am)

I didn't take a pic though as I don't think my phone would've captured its stillness and perfection or done it justice. So I enjoyed it for what it gave in the moment.

It's really interesting about those results of exposure therapy in a supportive environment. And, you're living proof it works which is amazing! You're self motivated; I like that. I also like that you're into the science of recovery. Me too!

I know what you mean about your kids. Part of my recovery was to cut the apron strings. It played into my compulsions too much. We still see each other, but I usually wait for them to contact me.

My psych and I discussed ET a couple of yrs ago but I wasn't even close to exploring that avenue then. In a way I've done my own instinctively.

When I felt ready, I'd take another step toward challenging myself. It wasn't paint by numbers psychology; I slowly learned from mistakes. My greatest tool.

It was more about changing my own responses and behaviour. I had to learn to protect and promote myself in the moment. Taking the future out of the equation was a gift albeit a long and difficult endeavour.

How to protect myself from me is a whole n'other story though.

I'm glad you like my avatar. His expression mimics mine some days. Found him on google images. A little sad, pensive, bored, contemplative maybe. More than that though, he's crazy cute.

Birds? I noticed a flock of starlings sitting along the power lines in front of my house earlier. Rats with wings! In spring Willy Wagtails, Rosella's, Parrots, Gala's and Cockatoo's frequent my back yard. They're lovely and therapeutic to watch. (Cocky's are too noisy though) Are you a bird lover?

I like writing here too. You've been very attentive so thankyou. Do you have your own thread?

Sara

Living in a dream

Vero — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 14:29:11 GMT

Hi Sara,

trust you had a pleasant Sunday.

I was planing to make bird feeders today (I use old mugs, feel them with a seed mix mixed with egg white, insert a stick, dry it in the oven and hang on the trees) but did not get to it. It is getting cold and I can see birds are looking for something to eat. I am a bit concerned for little finches. They have such tiny bodies. I noticed the return of king parrots, rosellas pigeons, bowerbirds, magpies. Have not seen white cockatoos. But don’t miss them either. Yes they are noisy, extremely destructive and last year one of them killed a little finch. I chased them away since them.

it must have been a magical moment to watch the first snow. We only get it occasionally and then it is such a big sensation, it attracts crowds.

The therapy for me is a negotiation between trusting self and the therapist. There’re was a point few years ago when I lost all hope. I am very grateful the therapist hold that hope for me “however long I needed”. My recovery does not have a steady speed, things happen when I’m ready. What your experiences with ET?

Just wondering, when you say you protecting yourself from you, do you mean self sabotage?i think I do quite a bit of this and just ignore it as a token of self love.

I have stared 2 threads but had a feeling I may know one of the respondents, so I have not replied there for a day or so. Not sure how to go about it yet. Anonymity is critical for all participants.

I have discovered this site is searchable by either topics, words or members’ names.

Take care

Living in a dream

sara111 — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 03:29:23 GMT

Sunday was nice, thankyou for asking Vero.

I like your idea for a bird feeder. I don't see many finches in these parts too often. The larger birds take priority.

Self sabotage? What do you mean by '..a token of self love'?

'Protecting myself from me' relates to not caring for myself as I should. It's become habitual as I said in my intro.

My form of ET began when I realised it wasn't others who made my life worse. It was my responses and behaviour that needed to change. So slowly I developed 'safety' words and actions.

The first thing I did was learn to step away from simple situations or conversations that challenged me. With family for instance. I'd take a deep breath then physically step backwards and just 'listen'. If I was seated I'd imagine I was doing it.

I listened and listened without offering much into the conversation at all. I learned heaps about them and who they really were. More than that though I learned about me. How I was just as dysfunctional as they were.

I had to change. My safe words started with; "I have to go home now" or "I don't have an opinion about that". Seemingly inane phrases, but extremely gut wrenching to begin with. I'd be in a sweat and shaking uncontrollably.

Gradually my courage and confidence grew. So did my communication skills. These days it's more complex. I've learned not to put myself in situations in the first place and to recognise when my childhood auto responses kick in.

As you can tell, my ET is about 'speaking up'. To 'observe' before speaking. It's not others I need to be afraid of; it's me that has control.

I needed to write this today. Thankyou for asking.

Talk soon.

Sara

Living in a dream

Vero — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 13:16:08 GMT

Hi Sara, good to hear from you.

very interesting insides into your reflective mind and you worked very hard to get here. Such a self restraint and than mastery of expression must have taken a lot of training and your energy. That is a huge accomplishment.

My self sabotage in a form of a token of self love manifests for example in having cookie whilst being on a diet aiming At weight loss. The cookie represents unreserved self love.

I hope this makes sense. It is getting hard to think. Have a good night.

Living in a dream

sara111 — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 05:43:53 GMT

Thankyou for those nice compliments. 🙂 I am proud of myself.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Have some rest and take time for you. You deserve it.

My best - Sara

Living in a dream

J-J — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 10:21:30 GMT

Hi Sara,

I feel you and have been there, however, I don't smoke.

I would create a todo list and cross stuff off the instant satisfaction should keep you going.
I would clean the kitchen and pack away the extra cups, spoons, plates, and bowls and only have enough unpacked for one use. This will help stop the pile growing because you need to clean something before you use it.
Dream about what life you want to have instead of daydreaming about being something your not. I need to take this advice myself

Living in a dream

sara111 — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 18:06:16 GMT

Thanks JJ it's nice to meet you and great of you to pop in. I think there's probably more people in my boat than once thought. I've tried 'to-do' lists that work for a day or two then fall by the wayside.

This habitual behaviour of mine has been around for a long time. It sort of got me through tough times when I needed to rest and recover from trauma. I was a very damaged woman.

When loneliness and fear were my constant, smoking, food, tv and the pc became like friends or companions, housework was secondary.

I talked to my psych back then and agreed the timing wasn't right to change until my mind began healing. It would've exacerbated already damaged thinking and ptsd symptoms.

I do have sporadic episodes of energy and motivation. Moreso during warmer months. Tonight for instance, I cleared my bedroom of clutter (floor-drobe lol) and changed linen. The bedside tables are in the spare room so I can move furniture around tomorrow. A change is as good as a holiday.

The thing is though, I'm shaking like a leaf. I've tried sleeping but feel I need med support as it's pretty bad. If there's underlying factors, I might need to discuss them with someone. As my psych's out of town, I have to rely on a stranger.

I don't think I'm up to dreaming of a new future yet. It may play on previous obsessions. Getting through each day takes precedence. I'm really grateful for your advice though. They're simple concepts.

Take care - Sara

Living in a dream

sara111 — Thu, 28 Jun 2018 18:33:35 GMT

I can't sleep. It's 4am and 4 hrs since looking at a photo of myself. I didn't cry, but maybe I should've. At least I might've slept afterwards.

It's quiet. Only the sound of my refrigerator humming then cutting out. Teeth are slightly chattering, chest vibrating and a bit breathless. I'm not at my best.

I guess this time of the morning is as good as any for introspection. I'm fearful of what the future holds in regards to my health. I started this thread to talk about my inability to keep routines, but it's turned into something bigger.

Both my grandmothers died before 65. My mum used to worry she'd join them but she's long past that due by date. Still eating sugary high fat snacks while watching tv. Her favourite pass-time.

I took readings an hour ago. (Aren't smart phones great?!)

Oxygen saturation was at 94%, not good. BP was 120/73 - not bad at all. Sugar was 5.6 (not fasting) which is within normal limits. (3.4 - 7.2) Heart rate was 78 but my stress levels can be attributed to this.

All in all it wasn't life threatening. So what am I worried about? That damned photo!

Getting older isn't easy. I wanted to write 'old' but that's a matter of opinion right? Mum's in her late 70's but I don't see her as old, just cranky. lol

So, looking at myself in that photo, I didn't know who I was. Some random stranger trying to smile for the camera not realising how it captured every flaw.

My once beautiful eyes are tired and sad looking, hair's yellowing from cheap colours, my skin's taken on a motley paleness that only industrial make-up could fix and a round face that used to look defined and oval. I'm cringing.

Positives? Although the corners of my eyes droop, my eyebrows haven't. That's nice. They're still blue thank goodness. I have all my own teeth and my lips haven't thinned. And my body? Well, it matches my face - round.

The truth hurts. Cameras don't lie.

What a pitiful post. Better out than in I suppose. That's what this forum's for isn't it? Thank goodness no-one's around to witness this 'feel sorry for me' post.

Best go.

Living in a dream

Doolhof — Sat, 30 Jun 2018 07:50:35 GMT

Hi Sara,

Just dropping by to see how yo are getting on. Did you manage to change any of your furniture around? How about those dishes, did you manage to get any of those washed? I like the idea JJ gave you to have only one set of everything, that way you need to wash them to use them again and nothing feels too overwhelming.

I haven't read all of this thread, so I am not sure if you manage to get outside at all. I know the weather may not be pleasant depending on where you live. Is it possible for you to get outside now and then?

If you are fearful about what the future holds for your health is there something you can start to do now to improve your health?

Procrastination can be troublesome as can trying to find motivation and determination. Even doing one small thing each day to make a positive change can help.

Hope you manage to find some will power to make changes.

Cheers from Dools

Living in a dream

sara111 — Sat, 30 Jun 2018 10:17:28 GMT

Thankyou for posting on my thread Dools. Yes, room was changed around successfully. Kitchen is as tidy as necessary too.

I get out to shop etc but don't like social situations much. Weathers too bismal to go outside.

Procrastination is a disease. But thankyou for your comments.

Be back later.

Sara

Living in a dream

Just Sara — Sat, 30 Jun 2018 10:20:39 GMT

Hi and welcome Sara;

Reading thru your posts I'm wondering if there's any underlying issues that might be the culprit for procrastinating.

Just a thought;

Kind thoughts;

Sez