topic How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse] in PTSD and trauma

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Dotajoli — Fri, 04 May 2018 16:28:46 GMT

Hi I need advice on how to survive the betrayal from my husband and stepsons!

my daughter disclosed sexual abuse by all 3 of them and I am just gutted.. I have loved this man for 14 yrs and treated these boys as my own.. I have let my daughter down by bringing these 3 into our life and I have no idea how to move forward.

i have moved us out of our home but feel so isolated and alone because I've lost my best friend..plus feel like the past 14 years was just a lie..

Any survival suggestions?

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

geoff — Fri, 04 May 2018 18:03:07 GMT

Hello Dotajoli, can I give you warm welcome first of all because what has happened must be awful but please don't think you've let your daughter down, your husband and stepsons have done this and I'm just so sorry.

What your daughter went through needs to be reported to the authorities, these people need to be charged and dealt with by the courts.

My sincere condolences to your daughter.

Both you and her need to begin the counselling process, it may seem to be very difficult to begin with, but authorities will direct you to the correct places.

One suggestion would be to contact 1800RESPECT, others will be able to provide other people with the best care available for counselling, bar a psychologist.

It's not going to easy for your daughter to feel comfortable to open up, this will take time and patience and the same will apply to you with his betrayal.

I'm truly deeply sorry as I haven't given you much advice on your first comment.

Thankyou for giving us the trust you need.

Geoff.

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

CJames — Sat, 05 May 2018 05:50:09 GMT

Hi Dotajoli,

This is a disgusting situation, I feel for you and your daughter and couldn't imagine it happening to myself. As Geoff mentioned this needs to be dealt with by the police.

It's past repairing the relationship; it's about removing yourself from this toxicity, which you have done. That takes a lot of courage, and we're proud.

Although these boys were involved, if they're under the age of 18, I would suggest reporting this to child services. I couldn't imagine what's going on with just the father.

It's hard to deal with betrayal, especially after 14-years.

As Geoff said, It's time to begin the next step, councilling. I often find with councilling; it's a personal choice thing. I would suggest discussing with your daughter where and with who (age and gender) she want's to speak with. It's all about feeling comfortable.

While supporting someone such as your daughter, you need to make sure you are okay. There's no point helping someone when you're not okay yourself. As harsh as that may sound, it often doesn't work out very well that way.

Make sure to keep us updated throughout your journey,

Best of luck.

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Dotajoli — Sat, 05 May 2018 05:59:42 GMT

Thanks Geoff and C. this has been reported the day it was disclosed 7 weeks ago and is in the process of being investigated as it commenced in 2012 and ended in 2016..

im really not sure what they can do as there is no evidence..

unfortunately we are still waiting on counselling

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Dotajoli — Sat, 05 May 2018 06:03:42 GMT

PS thank you for replying as this is a very lonely road to travel.

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

CJames — Sat, 05 May 2018 06:12:30 GMT

Hi Dotajoli,

Don't feel as it is a lonely road as much as it may seem, as horrible as it is; it's happening more regularly people, as this occurs people are becoming more and more worried about discussing it.

I don't want you or your daughter to feel ashamed either; it's an unfortunate series of event that can rip the confidence out from inside you.

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Dotajoli — Sat, 05 May 2018 09:08:06 GMT

That is does C. thanks

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Juliet_84 — Sat, 05 May 2018 11:06:40 GMT

Dear Dotajoli,

I just want to reach out and give you a hug! I can’t imagine the storm of emotions that you must be going through at the moment - anger, hurt, betrayal, guilt, shame (even though completely unwarranted on your part), and also heartbreak over the end of a long-term relationship, which in itself is often overwhelming. You ask how to survive it, but you’re already surviving it. Your actions thus far have shown superhuman strength, and that is when you must have been at your weakest, having just found out. You have acted with immense integrity in this and I truly respect you for that. You believed your daughter when she told you, even though a lot of people enter into a state of denial and took the necessary actions to make her safe. You can’t control what other people have done, but you have done nothing wrong. What is your support network like? Can you talk to them about this? Both of you also obviously need immediate counseling. Can the police arrange this for you?

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Dotajoli — Sat, 05 May 2018 13:18:48 GMT

Hi Juliet_84,s thank you for such insight yes i guess I am already surviving i hadn't thought of it that way at all..Unfortunately i have no support network or family my husband and our kids was my world and my reason for everything i did! The crimes took place in another state therefore we have been shoved between two states but after lots of pushing we finally have intake for counselling on Tuesday so i presume we will have an appointment set for after that.

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

geoff — Sat, 05 May 2018 16:44:24 GMT

Hello Dotajoli, I am so pleased you have heard from CJames and Juliet with comforting replies.

There maybe no evidence but the police or if you do have a lawyer have their unique way of finding out, plus these perpetrators will be marked down in the police records, so whatever the result is they will have a mark against their name.

You maybe entitled to Crime Victim Compensation so can you please have a look at this, ' National Association of Crime Victim Compensation Boards', this provides medical, counseling costs and any loss of wages.

They will also compensate your daughter an amount of money but each State I believe offers a different amount of money.

Thanks so much for getting back to us.

Geoff.

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Juliet_84 — Sun, 06 May 2018 11:41:41 GMT

Hi Dotajoli,

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have any support around you. Although that being said, sometimes those closest to us don’t often know what we are going through, or inadvertently say the wrong things and make the whole situation worse.

I am aware that some areas have psychologist-led, facilitated peer-support groups for people coping with the effects of sexual abuse. That may be something for you and your daughter? I’m not sure how old your daughter is but just be mindful that your daughter may feel more comfortable going separately? Or it may be something that only you feel comfortable doing. Whatever the case, I agree with Geoff that 1800RESPECT would be the first port of call. I’m so proud of you, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you both will start to heal with time xx

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Dotajoli — Wed, 09 May 2018 13:12:00 GMT

Hi I have a question as i am trying to process things and wondering if anyone can help... My daughter has said her step brothers happened several times over 4 year where as my husband was once 2 years ago (and was not s#*) which he explicitly denies ever happened... i am so torn even tho i have taken action and relocated us to a new home and would "never" let my daughter know i have doubt.. i am wondering is there a possibility he is telling the truth.. he is devastated the daughter he has raised for 14 years could turn on him and say such untruths..we have had a fantastic marriage which became much closer after the death of our son and distancing ourselves from negative family and we are missing our friendship so much ... Is there a chance that a marriage can sustain this ...can a child be confused when something like this happens ... i am wondering if she has embellished the part about my husband as with all our kids they know how strong our marriage is and she new this was the only way we would be removed from her brothers...Does this even sound feasible or does it sound like wishful thinking and grasping at straws? am i being stupid and in denial ?

I am so sorry for all the questions just wanting help to process things 😞

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Juliet_84 — Wed, 09 May 2018 14:01:00 GMT

Hi Dotajoli,
Do you have any reason to believe that your daughter would be lying? Does she lie often or is this fairly out of character for her? Does she have a motive or a longstanding dislike of your relationship? If it were me, I would be inclined to believe your daughter, as hard as that may be to digest, because the thought of not believing someone who has been abused in their own home almost doesn’t bear thinking about. I don’t think that you can realistically consider this, as I can’t see how you could ever invite the man who stands accused of abusing your daughter back around her even if you are not entirely sure whether the abuse occurred, whether it was s€* or not. I understand this must be extremely difficult for you, and you cannot reach out to the one person who you usually would in such a crisis. I think the only way that this could be resolved is if you daughter confessed, free of any coercion, that she had made the entire thing up. Sometimes we want something to not be true so much that we try and look for proof it’s not, but I think you need to guard against that feeling in this instance.

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Dotajoli — Wed, 09 May 2018 14:58:34 GMT

Hi Juliet im sure you are right my mind just cant fathom how I missed this for 4 years how no one in our family seen anything(we have a bundle of kids between us) this has divided us all (well my daughter and i are on our own) and i cant see how no one seen anything!! there has been very little privacy in our home for the past 14 years...I presume the police will get to the bottom of it eventually (well i desperately hope so) my daughter has told lies before as do all kids at some time in their life...nothing of this extreme tho usually just about food and drinks being taken which is very common in our house with so many mouths to feed....i feel torn for the man i love as we have been to hell and back after the death of a child i cant fathom him placing our marriage in jeopardy for 10 minutes!! As i dont want to tarnish the process or say the wrong thing and we are yet to receive counselling i have not discussed anything with my daughter other than the bear minimum on day one in which i just cuddled her told her we strong women will get through this and then i took action by moving out that night... i do understand i have to show support and belief ..the turmoil i have inside is not only the loss of my whole family my best friend and something which we have worked extremely hard to build for 14 years ..a close family of step kids .. and although my husband understands the position i am in and we agreed to me moving out .. i feel i have let my husband down "if he is innocent" ...we are both finding the process really difficult as it is presumed "guilty" by everyone involved in the process and before the investigation even started.

Thank you for listening i appreciate your responses and they are helping me to process this nightmare ..

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Juliet_84 — Thu, 10 May 2018 09:14:53 GMT

You can’t blame yourself, you can’t be watching all the time, things happen all the times, people are robbed in broad daylight, crimes are committed in crowds, sometimes people witness things and they are scared, or don’t see things with so much going on, your mind is trying to rationalize something that doesn’t make sense to it. You are unfortunately in a terrible situation, either you believe your daughter is telling the truth and that means you have to face something terrible about your husband and stepsons, or don’t believe your daughter and she has lied about something that has torn your family apart, or she’s telling the truth and her trust in you as her protector is completely shattered. I can imagine that your brain may find it almost more palatable to think she made the whole thing up.

All that you can do right now is be there for her and trust the investigative process. Please don’t think you are letting your husband down if he’s innocent, any reasonable person would understand this has to be the approach. In the same way you are there for your daughter he has to be there for his sons. This is a sad situation and I’m sorry you are going through it right now. I wish you strength in the face of this xx

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Dotajoli — Thu, 10 May 2018 11:05:06 GMT

Juliet thanks you have the ability to put everything into perspective xx

How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

Juliet_84 — Thu, 10 May 2018 11:12:42 GMT

My pleasure, glad I could help in some little way xx please feel free to write whenever you need to talk, everyone is pretty supportive around here 🙂