topic Struggling with anxiety in PTSD and trauma

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 13:39:30 GMT

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

Struggling with anxiety

Quercus — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 15:36:43 GMT

Hi Bella Donna and welcome,

I think you are very brave to stick with your family even though they support your abuser! Do you have anyone in your family who listens and accepts what has happened to you? What a painful and toxic situation to be in.

It is a shame that you are struggling to afford therapy because you really do need a safe place to be heard. Have you ever considered a psychiatrist? The initial cost is expensive but once you reach the medicare safety net your sessions are highly discounted. For example for me at the moment a 45 minute session is $150 but in a few months when I hit the saftey net the cost goes down to about $15 a session. You can access your safety net by linking medicare to your mygov account. Or visit a branch (yeah I know!! Bleh!) and ask for advice about the safety net.

The other benefit of a psychiatrist is they can prescribe medications if you find you need help and therapy alone is not helping.

If you have a search around locally a lot of the women's centers run low cost group activities and seminars for people struggling with mental health and abuse issues. My local centre runs a free art therapy class. The benefit is being able to talk to others who understand. To make some friends and to realise that even if your family chooses not to recognise your abuse that doesn't mean it was acceptable! Far from it.

I hope you can keep talking here. There is a section here about PTSD which is heavy reading and potentially triggering but reading the titles may help you find members that can relate to your story and help. If a thread appeals to you feel free to join in.

Welcome to this safe place. Noone is going to belittle your experience here ok.

❤ Nat

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 21:00:42 GMT

Hi,

Thank you & no, I’ve never considered a psychiatrist, but I am open to anything. I don’t actually speak to my family anymore, but I do receive occasional messages from my Mum that are quite upsetting. It’s hard to avoid her totally though as we live in the same suburb & she still has some contact with my kids.

My Mum has always had quite severe mental health, but she’s never been treated properly for it. She was very volatile when I was growing up & I was always anxious whenever she was around.

The night her husband started molesting me was the day that my life changed forever. I was in primary school & it continued until I was 14. I can’t remember every time that it happened. I do think the lack of validation from my family has been harder to deal with than the abuse.

I have wanted to give up many times. I have felt “bad” my entire life & I know it wasn’t my fault, but no one else in my family did. I have allowed it to control my life & it’s got to the stage where I work & then basically try to shut off from the world as soon as I get home. I’m not living.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. It’s the first time I’ve discussed it openly in quite a long time.

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Croix — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 03:15:02 GMT

Dear Bella Donna~

I'd like to join Nat in welcoming you here, it is a safe place where people have experiences that let them understand. I don't know all the steps you have taken of course but Nat's suggestions are practical and spot on. Although my situation is different I've found psychiatrists have helped enormously.

I'll add the suggestion that if you have not already talked to organizations that deal with Complex PTSD, then doing so may open up other avenues of support. Our own 24/7 Help line on 1300 22 4636 can steer you towards the most appropriate ones (you can on-line chat using the link at the top of the page if you do not want to talk).

It may sound daunting to talk about your situation to such others, however they are well used to it and can be a comfort, not a hassle.

As you know feeling 'bad' is a wholly unjustifiable reaction. The mind simply goes down the wrong path, something just about everyone gets to know. Sadly you suffer for the inhuman behavior of others, not only of the perpetrator, but the betrayal by your mother who would not face facts.I can see the effect that would have, my own situation with my parents ended up showing me what they were really like. The love I'd hoped for was never there.

You mentioned you had kids, do you mind if I ask about your home? The way you talked in your original post it seemed like it might be a safer and less stressful place.

Your words do show strength, a realistic idea of things and the need to have a proper life, to rise above the horrible acts of others. You deserve a good life, even talking here may help - I very much hope it does.

Croix

Struggling with anxiety

white knight — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 04:06:11 GMT

Hi Bella Donna, welcome

I cant add to my friends comments, superb advice.

People, family, friends, society, all have expectations of us yet none walk in our shoes do they?. Nobody can walk in your shoes but we hope that family can at least try. We with depression and bipolar get that, we know what its like for the majority to not even try to walk a few steps in our shoes. So we are alone. Or, we can join where birds are a feather like hear and be with those that can relate and/or been through a similar experience.

We had a new members about 2 years ago here that was in the same situation, step dad or uncle was the guilty one and at the many events over the year he would be there and no one wanted to talk about it but worse still was their insistence that she be friendly towards him. I'm still outraged over their attitude.

So, we in life have choices. Those choices aren't clearly apparent to us because of those expectations. you can choose to place a wall between you and the others. You have already started to and this could be a positive move not a negative one that you think it is.

By placing an imaginary wall up you allow contact with others under YOUR conditions not theirs. For example if there is family gatherings that include that man don't go. Simple eh?. Well it is hard because you will get pressure on you as to why. You can choose to tell them and if they continue the ranting then you limit your contact with them- done! The gate to the wall is in your control, no one elses. This gate opens and closes at your will.

Bein secured inside your fortress you can welcome good kind and soft hearted people into your village. You can control comments by text by replying "if you are not going to be nice to me and at least try to understand then please leave me alone...thankyou" or similar.

There is a saying "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations".

Please google this

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

On behalf of all good men that would never harm a child nor abuse them I apologise we could not be there for you and protect you. You are a beautiful loving and caring person that needs to take some steps towards protecting yourself and flourishing in your future. You can do this, you can overcome....and you can be...you.

tony WK

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 10:13:50 GMT

Hi,

I have never before had anyone mention PTSD to me for my particular journey, but it makes sense. I did go to a psychologist 12 months ago & it was only when I spoke about my childhood during those sessions, that I actually realised just how dysfunctional it was. Unfortunately that particular psych was pregnant & as soon as she went on maternity leave, I stopped going. It had taken me 20 years to open up again about my childhood & I didn’t feel like telling my story to another stranger.

I do have kids & I’ve made every conscious effort to give them what I didn’t have. They know they’re loved & they are my world. My youngest is nearly finished high school & I have 2 adult sons. My sons were told 12 months ago about my reasons for not ever letting them stay at my Mum’s house & they’ve both handled it well & they know they can talk to me about it. My Mum never showed any remorse about what happened to me & was always very controlling, but I would not back down to the boundaries I had in place to protect my kids.

I am just wanting to learn how to move past all of this & hopefully one day feel free & happy. I’ve carried all the guilt & shame around my entire adult life. I had no idea I had anxiety until I found a good GP & she discussed it with me.

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 10:33:35 GMT

Hi Tony,

Thank you for your kind words. My relationship with my family is definitely unusual. I don’t actually get invited to any family gatherings - which is fine with me. My step father is the perpetrator & he will avoid me at all costs & if he ever sees me out in public, he takes off in the other direction. I never approach him & have not spoken to him in over 20years. Little does he know that when I see him I freeze & can't speak.

I always wanted my mother’s love & support & it has been very difficult over the years to accept that I’ll never get that from her. What happened to me is never discussed with my Mum, I just have to go along like it never happened. The shame associated with that has been hard to deal with at times.

I do like your advice about letting in kind, soft hearted people into your life. I have unfortunately retreated into my own shell quite a bit, and that’s something that I do want to work on. I miss going out with friends. I just need to learn how to move forward & let go of the things I can’t change.

The hardest thing for me right now will be reaching out to a professional and asking for help. I will do it, but I’m not looking forward to telling my story to a stranger face to face again. It’s not easy.

Thanks again for your support.

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Croix — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 12:57:18 GMT

Dear Bella Donna~

There were a couple of things I thought of when reading your post.

The first is it looks like we both took the same tactic and tried as hard as we could not to be like our parents. Like you I give love and understanding and try very hard not to be judgmental and stand-offish. My partner, who had the 'pleasure' of meeting my mother was amazed we were in any way related - I was quite please at that. Maybe it was a mix up in the maternity hospital:)

Anyway your words "not looking forward to telling my story to a stranger face to face again" struck a chord. I've been in the situation where I've had no faith I'd get everything straight, or even not chicken out over some bits, so I've written everything down first and then simply handed over the paper in a long consultation. Its worked well with both me and the doctor pleased. If writing it all out is too daunting why not print out your posts?

Croix

Struggling with anxiety

Quercus — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 14:23:43 GMT

Hello again Bella Donna,

(I'm really happy to see you've met Croix and Tony too).

I found it really hard to reply today without being rude to your Mum. It stunned and horrified me to think of you having to pass that monster in town and to know she stands by him. Betrayal was very polite of Croix to say. My gut reaction was not so kind.

Have you ever considered moving? I suppose it would be hard to change your kid's routine but does it help you to live near them?

It must really hurt to want your Mum's love and support even now. You've been very kind in my opinion even allowing contact with your kids after the abuse being ignored.

Do you have much in the way of a support network? Friends you can rely on? I like Croix's idea of printing your posts. Dot points help too (they did for me anyway). Is there any way you can ask for your records from your previous psych? It might help the new one to read these too and what was tried in the way of treatment.

I'm glad you have kept writing. What you've experienced is absolutely horrible and you deserved a lot more help and support than what you got as a child. I hope speaking up about the abuse at last is helping you.

Please take good care of yourself.

❤Nat

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 01:54:53 GMT

Hi,

Writing it all down could be quite cathartic & a lot less stressful for me when meeting a new psych.

I tried to be the polar opposite of my Mum. I have made sure that my kids know that I love them & that no one comes before them. I swore I would never have a step father for my kids & I’ve been single ever since their father & I separated. There probably could have been a lovely guy out there for me, but I never wanted my kids to experience in their home what I did in mine.

I was a very naive little girl, even though I grew up in a shitty environment. I still saw the good in everyone until the day my whole world changed. I remember repeatedly telling my step father how glad I was to have him around, because all I ever wanted was a Dad. Not long after this, the abuse started. That’s something that hurts me to this day. He took full advantage & looking back, I can see how I was groomed & he knew my Mum didn’t care for me very much so he could get away with anything.

Thanks for your advice.

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 02:22:30 GMT

Hi Nat,

My Mum has definitely been the hardest to deal with. I did actually move interstate to get away from her after she sided with my step father for the second time. It took me years to get the courage to speak up about & when she let him stay in the home again, I knew I had to go.

I still desperately tried to get her approval & hoped that one day she would say that she’s sorry that I had to go through what I did, but it’s just never going to happen. The best I got was that she didn’t know what to do & that she felt like the she was stuck in the middle. I remember her telling me that I had to be careful because if my younger brother found out, it would kill him because it’s his father. I also had to think about the impact it would have on my step father if his place of employment ever found out. Not once was I asked, are you okay? That has been so much harder than the actual abuse to deal with.

I unfortunately moved back near her because my kids had no other extended family & she was actually very different with them when they were younger & they were quite close to her. Her & I have never seen eye to eye on anything, but I put up with her so that my kids had a grandparent. She knew that I would never allow to meet, or go anywhere near her husband though.

I’d really love to move away, it’s not easy but it’s something that I will do as soon as my youngest finishes high school. I don’t see my step father very often but when I do see him, it’s upsetting to say the least.

I don’t have a great support network where I live atm, but I do talk to friends online that live in the same town that I used to. I don’t like to bother them too much with all this because I don’t want to sound like someone that just can’t get her shit together.

I do really appreciate you all taking the time to respond to my posts. It does help.

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Croix — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 03:56:12 GMT

Dear Bella Donna~

I agree talking to one's friends one has to try to make a balance, I try hard not to burden mine too much, the fact they are there helps. Thinking on what you said you have got your shit together! That does not mean you are not in a pretty bad place, but you are managing it well. Being forced by circumstances to be close to your mother and stepfather is huge ongoing load even if it is done out of the love you have for your kids.

Even considering the fallout if your stepfather was sacked. This all points to someone who is determined and realistic - and has not lost the ability to love.

I think that I can sort of understand your mother saying she did not know what to do, or was stuck in the middle. However no way I accept it. No matter how timorous the person some things just have to be acted on. It's that simple.

Well, she has to live with it, for her it is too late, she cannot undo what she did. You on the other hand I think are on a road that leads you out of the mess. I'm not sure, perhaps the hardest parts have been faced already.

Hopefully when your son is a little older you can move - maybe rejoin your old friends.

I do feel sorry for your (step?) brother. To find out such a thing, even as an adult will be pretty devastating, and he too is a victim of his father's behavior. May I ask how you get on with him?

I'm glad Nat has joined your thread, she is a pretty sensible person.

Croix

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 06:16:21 GMT

Hi,

My step brother is the one person that I would never want to know because he is a gentle giant & it will completely destroy him. Unfortunately when my Mum & I last had a falling out, my brother & I stopped contacting each other. He lives with our Mum due to a health condition that makes everyday tasks difficult for him. He & I were always very close & he knows exactly what my Mum is like, he was always treated differently though & never found himself on the receiving end of her BS. He was able to see for himself how different she was with me though.

It’s a messy situation & one that I find very hard to deal with at times. I would have loved to have had a close relationship with my Mum. I would have loved for my kids to have grandparents that they can go & visit. Things just don’t always turn out the way we want them to.

I felt like I had to say enough was enough, where my Mum was concerned. I’m still full of guilt over it. She makes me feel awful because I allow her to. She has always had a way of turning everything back on to me as though it’s my fault. It’s very weird in that it’s not like dealing with an adult when I have to discuss anything with her.

I do think moving away will be the best option for everyone. I know I have a long road ahead of me & this could be a lifelong struggle. I’m just hoping things will get easier in the near future.

Thanks again for your support.

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Croix — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 12:31:29 GMT

Dear Bella Donna~

Your last line in that post. It may take a while but I'd hope the idea of a lifelong struggle is most probably wrong. I'm not saying your experiences won't always be with you , but it may well be they will not have anything like the power they do now. I look at my own experiences with PTSD, plus the usual suspects of anxiety and depression and find now that my life is not influenced in anything like the way it was, 'struggling' would not be the right word anymore. Life is good.

I would imagine your mother may have the guilt, and like many people who do not want to face things try to put it on someone else. Although your emotions might play tricks and let you feel that guilt your mind knows it simply is not true. I guess that is one purpose of therapy, to bring sense to your emotions so they behave appropriately.

Your step brother sounds very nice, and the fact he understands would I'd imagine be a source of comfort. Maybe in time you will be able to talk with him again. If you eventually move away that might make it easier.

Croix

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 23:55:30 GMT

Hi,

I truly hope this isn’t a lifelong battle, I wish it would all just go away. I know it won’t without me putting in the effort to address everything, I just hate reliving it.

I am my own worst enemy & harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. I really dislike being in my 40’s and still suffering with feelings of shame & just generally not feeling good enough. It makes me feel stupid that I haven’t been able to get past all of that.

I think a lot of it comes down to not having the support system when I was growing up & not having anyone to guide me in the right direction.

Thank you for your support & taking the time to read what I’m rambling on with here.

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Croix — Tue, 03 Apr 2018 00:39:44 GMT

Dear Bella Donna~

No you are not rambling, in fact in some ways you are exploring. Sometimes it takes others to be a sounding-board to know one's own thoughts.

Try to hang on to the thought that the whole reason you are in contact with your mother at all, and also where you live, is due to the love you have for your kids. You have already mastered all the grief and self-blame and all those other feelings to the extent where you can bear them so your kids get as normal a family life as you can provide.

This is not something that just happened, it is you putting yourself into harms way for love. That deserves respect and admiration.

You spoke of freezing when seeing your abuser. Well OK, but so what? I've frozen when confronted with something in my past. I would not now, time has blunted the effect and I have changed, you will too. In fact just from what you say about your situation I think you are further down that road than you realize.

Your kids are lucky to have you as a mum.

Croix

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Tue, 03 Apr 2018 12:41:23 GMT

Hi,

Thank you, that was lovely. I feel like I’m a bit all over the place with what I’m posting. It’s been a while since I’ve discussed my past (even if it is online) & it feels like I’ve opened a big can of worms. It has been simmering beneath the surface for a long time.

I do freeze when I see my step father & hopefully in time that will ease. It’s a feeling of panic & fear & it’s crazy because I know he can’t hurt me anymore. It’s reassuring to hear that you have been able to reach a point where you’re able to deal with what could be an uncomfortable situation, in a more positive manner.

It comes down to taking back that power that’s given away when someone has that sort of hold over you. I’d like to get to that point some day. I’d like to be able to walk into a room and not be filled with self doubt & fear. That would be huge for me.

Thanks again,

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Croix — Wed, 04 Apr 2018 14:22:52 GMT

Dear Bella Donna~

It's nice to be thanked - particularly for telling the truth:) Actually it hopefully will show you that your opinion of yourself and that of an unbiased stranger are very different.

You said

I really dislike being in my 40’s and still suffering with feelings of
shame & just generally not feeling good enough. It makes me feel
stupid that I haven’t been able to get past all of that.

While I'm talking admiration and strength.

Sadly the worst thing I can see about your abusive childhood is the effect it has had on how you feel about yourself. Completely unwarranted, but something so many succumb to.

You will overcome it all, I go back to what you are doing for your kids. That is not the action of someone who is beaten, but of someone vigorously resisting all the harm that has been done to her. 40 is not a bad age to take on your past. You have all the intervening years of life experience, you have a life in front of you to enjoy.

Your stepfather's power has gone already. All that is left is a physical relic (the freeze reaction) and that will fade. From what you say I'd expect he is frightened of you.

It may sound silly but I've found anger can help a lot. It's kept me alive before now, the resentment of ill treatment has been fuel. So has resentment of the illness. I've had strength as a result. Not to do anything against anyone, just to replace doubt and fear and hopelessness. I'm not sure if that makes sense, I hope so.

Croix

Struggling with anxiety

Bella_Donna — Fri, 06 Apr 2018 13:13:09 GMT

Hi,

Thank you, that made me cry reading that (happy tears). I’ve been pretty run down the past couple of days. Your kind words are much appreciated.

I can totally relate to anger sometimes being a positive & I’m sure it has kept me going many times. I’m not one for confrontation, but my step father is a very weak man & would never want to deal with me & what he’s done. I would love to scream at him & ask, why??? I know nothing that ever comes out of his mouth is going to make me feel better though.

One of my biggest battles is having to face all the patterns of behaviour & coping mechanisms I’ve developed to help me get through each day. I put up walls with people to stop myself from being hurt. I overeat & use good as a source of comfort. The anxiety I feel when I enter a room full of people is awful & I hate feeling that way. I have robbed myself of so many years that I can’t get back.

I do know I need to be kinder to myself. I’ve done the best I can with very little guidance, or support. I’ve managed not to completely crumble even though there have been many times that I’ve wanted to.

Thank you so much for your support.It has helped.

❤️

Struggling with anxiety

Croix — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 00:52:16 GMT

Dear Bella Donna~

I'm really glad coming to the Forum has been helping, we are always here for you, even if sometimes a bit slow replying. Not being entirely on your own is a great thing, and listening to other people's perspectives - even if not always correct - can be immensely helpful. It can make one look at oneself in a different light.

You already know the answer to "Why???". He is a totally self-centered user. Some people like that steal other's life-savings, some like him steal their lives. You are right, no matter what he says he has done the harm and cannot repair it.

You are repairing it though. All those coping mechanisms you talk of will I'm sure become less necessary as you life goes on. Being an example for your kids will help.

As for entering a room, the obvious temptation is not to do so, to retreat. I have a feeling you do not do that but bear the full brunt of people's gazes. Can you work out ways to lessen this feeling? Perhaps have a strategy where you enter and leave and re-enter? Serving food from the kitchen is an example that comes to mind. You are in and out, and also have something to concentrate on. Now I know it is a very limited example, however you get the idea?

I can't see you crumbling

Croix