topic Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text in PTSD and trauma

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 05:42:22 GMT

First post, not sure it belongs here given the content so i apologize in advance if it is the wrong thread. Also it's going to be a long post which will be multiple posts. Sorry... "trigger warning" i suppose.

Basically i'm depressed for insane reasons. I was sexually abused by a relative as a kid which honestly doesn't bother me so much, but as a result of experiencing this so young i developed irregular behaviours of all kinds. Between i guess what must have been 4 and 9 years of age I had developed sexually inappropriate behaviours towards other kids, the type which i found out as an adult are considered very serious and are suppose to be reported to protective services or authorities of some kind. I don't know if the adults around me didn't catch on or were idiots OR just straight up neglectful but these behaviours went unchecked.

I'm in my late 20's now and though all such behaviours had disappeared by the time i was 10 or so i feel absolutely disgusted by them even being a thing that i did as a kid. To put it bluntly i feel like my body and genetics are a disgusting product of a disgusting genetic ancestry full of disgusting people.

Other behaviours i developed were severe anxieties, depressive, attachment and defiant disorders, explosive rage attacks with little provocation, fear of taking clothes of around people, bed wetting until a late age, mentally regressive behaviours all of which were more or less ignored and treated with ADD medication. I believe i was mostly seen as "a little shit who needs a good smacking". Most of these problems went away by the time i was 10 except for the severe anxiety, depression and anger issues which all got extremely severe from around age 12-14. I was eventually diagnosed as having major depressive disorder with lots of talk about Asperger's and possible Bi-Polar features. I was medicated for these things for a few years.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Quercus — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 15:12:59 GMT

Hello John and welcome,

I'm not going to wait for post number 2 because I want you to know you've been heard and that people are listening and do care.

The disgust you feel towards your pedophile relatives, your abuse and neglect are completely understandable.

I do feel like it is important to point out to you though (in regards to your disgust towards yourself) you were a child and children need guidance and kindness and boundaries. You had none. You've managed to get to 20 years old and are able to say you are different than your family. Can you see how strong and capable and resilient and self aware that makes you?

Noone taught you what was right and wrong. Gave you guidance or boundaries. You did that for yourself. I think that is admirable.

I hope you write more. I am curious to know what sort of supports you have around you.

Every family has genetics we want to wish away. The reality is though you are your own person. You can choose to be different. To manage your mental illness and even to advocate for the protection of children. You know the harm it does. And empathy and understanding is crucial to making change happen.

Nat

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 11:47:11 GMT

No support. I'm incapable of having friendships or intimate relationships. I get lonely all the time but i can barely stand anyone for very long.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Kate25 — Mon, 09 Apr 2018 04:55:00 GMT

I get lonely all the time. I cant stand the company of others for too long and the reason is because when they start complaining about their lives I feel like screaming out is that all. Maybe I'm jealous that they haven't been through what i went through. Dont no. Maybe I frightened they will find out and make fun of me. I wish you all the best.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Quercus — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 23:54:54 GMT

Hello again John and welcome to the forums Kate,

I'm sorry I took ages to be able to reply.

You both talk about having no patience for the issues of others and that makes sense to me. I told my psychiatrist once I have a level of tolerance and patience and energy to give and once I've hit that level I have nothing to give anyone. I retreat and try to survive.

Does that sound like something either of you can relate to?

His reply was that anger and irritability can be part of depression. That I feel so emotional and overwhelmed and have little capacity to deal with anything extra. And part of managing this was getting the help I needed.

Do either of you see a medical professional currently? I find the relationship with my psychiatrist to be unique. It is all about ME and what I need to talk about. I had never had this before. To have someone just listen without sharing in return. Even the psychologist I saw didn't help because she kept talking about herself and I'd leave feeling stressed about her on top of my issues.

What I'm getting at is would you consider this? Is it financially viable for you to see a psychiatrist for therapy? They are initially expensive but once the medicare safety net threshold is reached it becomes affordable ($12 a session for me).

He is not my friend. I pay him to listen and help me untangle a lifetime of crap in my head. Plus he manages my medication. One stop shop if you like. It might sound like a sales pitch but I think it's important for people to know there are different types of therapy and that some suit others better.

I wonder John and Kate... If there was a place in your lives where you could count on being able to speak and be listened to... If that would help give you some space mentally to try and form some relationships?

Would love to know what you think. And also how you both are if you feel like sharing.

Nat

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 16:40:27 GMT

Talking about it doesn't really help at all. I've made countless forum posts over the years expressing these same frustrations but nothing comes of it. I saw a psychiatrist and psychologist not long ago but i couldn't shake the thought of them not actually knowing anything about anything. I tried a couple different medications over the past two years but they didn't do anything. I've been thinking of going to try some new meds but it takes me a while to get out of the house.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Quercus — Thu, 19 Apr 2018 02:52:04 GMT

Hi John,

I must admit I'm a bit confused about what you hope to find on the forums....

Your frustration is palpable and I care but I'm not really sure how to help you. Could you point me in the right direction? How can we help you?

You said that talking doesn't help you. But that is what the forums offer. A space to work through problems and find empathy and support and ideas through talking/writing.

I think braving a trip to the doctor is a good idea. Trialling a few meds until you find one that helps is pretty normal I've learnt.

Nat

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

white knight — Thu, 19 Apr 2018 03:29:17 GMT

Hi John, welcome

Us peer group champs are not professional medical staff. We are bound by the rules but also by mainly our own experiences. If we have been abused as a child we'd have a better chance of identifying with your struggles.

So our guidance, advice can be therefore hit and miss. Some will find it of no benefit other will find it gold.

Quercus raised a valid point about " Talking about it doesn't really help at all" yet you are on the forum to seek help. I'm wondering if this is a form of showing how desperate you are? I suspect so. In such a case you really need that professional help as we likely cant hit that nail on the head that we do often here.

At any rate, maybe we can help in terms of seeking a path through life that will, in a restrictive sense, be able for you to mix with people in a limited manner and for that not to compromise your daily life.

I found that to be a problem for me also. I cant blend in to groups "be one of the boys", yet I'm an ok communicator. The reason is my sensitivity. I had to find a way, a formula to communicate with other people in a manner and in a quantity that would not hurt my feelings and not make me a recluse. These is a sweet spot there that we should seek.

This delicate level of community/family/friends contact can be perfected over time. It's like this. Imagine you are on the end of a pier. People are represented as the water. Every now and then you jump in (talk to someone) but the time is limited by how long you can hold your breath. Then you surface and dry on the pier until its time to jump in again. The pier is your safe place. But if you never jump in then you are a hermit. That isn't idela either.

Can you google these. They offer ideas about it. You only need to read the first post.

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: the labyrinth of friendships- beyondblue

Topic: want to be a hermit?- beyondblue

Topic: they just wont understand, why?- beyondblue

Topic: dysthymia- beyondblue

Topic: depression and toxic people- beyondblue

That last one is typical of the lives we lead, living with toxic people around us. The fortress we have to create excludes those toxic people (if you have them) and places a barrier there with a door that only you have the key.

I hope that helps.

Tony WK

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

White_Rose — Thu, 19 Apr 2018 11:29:07 GMT

Hello John

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have received only a few replies. Usually there is more but your thread has slipped through a little. You certainly have been through the mill with such abuse and neglect.

I noticed you said, I was sexually abused by a relative as a kid which honestly doesn't bother me so much, I am unsure whether to congratulate you or be sad. The belief that such an action does not affect you is in itself a worry. As Tony commented, we are not mental health specialists of the formal kind. We are the lived experience people and we offer our insights and experiences to others for support, to suggest actions and to help you get suitable information.

I see a psychiatrist weekly for a number of reasons. At one session the talk got round to my family when I was a child and brought up something I must have buried many years ago. To my surprise it was overwhelming and I burst into tears. No, nothing as bad as your experience but distressing to me. We used that to talk about what the effects of my childhood events had on my present way of living and thinking. I would much rather it was buried but I also know it explained much about my life.

My next question was what's the point of bringing this stuff up, I cannot change the past and it only makes me upset. Very true. The broader discussion around this time has helped me to understand why I sat on the stairs when I was supposed to be in bed and listened to the adults and older siblings talking. And why I felt I was the odd one out in the family.

I'm pouring out my history because I think it may well apply to you, although in a different context. You say, Talking about it doesn't really help at all. I said that as well to a different psychiatrist and demanded he tell me the point of talking. Unfortunately he was not good with words and I never found out. Maybe this is your experience also. As I said I see a psych weekly. She is very perceptive and fair more communicative, hence the revelation above. I finally found out the purpose of talking.

It is to understand what happened both from the point of view of the child that was then and the adult that is now. Understand how my life has been shaped by those incidents and why I have certain characteristics. Believe me it was an eye opener. Do you think if you had someone to talk to, someone who could help you relate your childhood and youth to the person you are now, it would be a good thing?

Out of allowance. Talk again please.

Mary

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Sun, 22 Apr 2018 20:42:31 GMT

I think maybe the reason there aren't so many replies to my thread is because my childhood may have been a little more demented than most peoples so how is anyone really supposed respond.

The thing about me not being so bothered by the abuse is because my abuser wasn't so bright. There's probably some belief that if this person abused kids he must be pure evil but i lived with this person for years and have pretty much deconstructed his personality and really i think he was somewhat socially and intellectually disabled. By socially disabled i mean he (and a lot of my other relatives) don't really seem to be able to comprehend the fact that other people exist. They're somewhat sociopathic, not in some evil genius way but in a way as if their brains didn't develop to that social stage properly so it's easy for them to make selfish decisions in a child like way. By intellectually disabled i mean they actually have poor reasoning and are prone to believing in supernatural things or conspiracies. Obviously none of this means a person is going to be an abuser or makes it okay to abuse children but it's like i wouldn't blame a bear for trying to eat me, because that's what bears do.

I think that's really what i'm getting at with not being so bothered. My relatives are pretty blameless being who they are. That being said i don't consider them family and would prefer to never see them again. Though, i would admit that since the signs of abuse were so strong i don't understand why the adults around me didn't investigate sooner rather than accusing me of being a bad kid. Honestly this gets to me more than anything. Like what is wrong with everyone.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Mon, 23 Apr 2018 12:37:30 GMT

Sorry, i haven't been explaining myself here properly. I'm not a religious or spiritual person so i believe things happen for no reason. Since i believe these things have all happened for no reason and don't mean anything it's hard for me to feel like a victim of someone's bad behaviour, and more like a victim of existence and nature. Victim isn't really the right word here since nature doesn't have intentions and it's all really just bad luck. I also meant to point out that as gross as my abuser is i actually pity him a lot, because i'm sure he didn't choose to be what he is, which is something quite appalling, again really bad luck for him.

I think this is why i end up on forums.. My beliefs about existence don't offer me any consolation but i'm still looking for it. It's sort of a paradox i suppose how my beliefs don't allow me to feel comfort but i'm in need of comforting. Sort of like how i'm terribly lonely but incapable of properly bonding with or trusting people. I think maybe i come on the forums to talk about myself as well, because apparently i'm self obsessed 😛

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Quercus — Mon, 23 Apr 2018 14:50:11 GMT

Hi John and thanks for keeping on replying to us it means a lot to me,

This I understand...

the signs of abuse were so strong i don't understand why the adults around me didn't investigate sooner rather than accusing me of being a bad kid

I hate it too. That children with significant problems are ignored or worse... Blamed!

I've seen this my whole life (Mum is a public school teacher most often in low socio-economic areas). The amount of times she has reported parents is ridiculous. I'm not just talking about sexual abuse but neglect and drug use. And usually... Nothing happens.

The house may be checked. But people know how to play the system or at least play dumb.

Nothing changes.

So she (as long as I remember) has taken food to school. Kept our clothes and shoes and toys to give. She does homework and reading with kids while they wait for the bus because she knows they won't get to do it otherwise.

And she says the things others won't. Like phoning the parents and saying she expects them to pick up their child and take them home for a bath and a clean uniform and she expects them back safe in half an hour or she's calling the local cops (who back her totally).

I asked her once... Why do you do it? She said to the kids school is an escape. They need a safe place. It made me sad and hopeless. I know my mother. She is kick ass and none of the addict parents want to cross her. But what about other kids? Like you. Who everybody failed.

I hate this system we have. Hate it. Hate that everyone ignored your hurt. To me it makes them equally as responsible to have known and done nothing.

Doesn't help you. I'm sorry. But I am angry for you too and I get why you must feel so bloody let down. Because you were.

Speaking up about it. That's a good first step though right? We can't change anything if noone knows what happens.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Wed, 23 May 2018 16:32:04 GMT

I'm not so sure talking about things i'm annoyed about helps in the long run. Maybe it relieves a bit of the frustration at the time that i'm feeling particularly annoyed but overall there hasn't ever been any improvements to my mood on average.

On a side note; I can't really describe the mood i feel most days. It's definitely a depressed one but not so dramatic. I suppose the word "gray" kind of describes the feeling, though i don't like using dark colours to describe the feeling because they're a bit cliche i prefer darkness over light anyways. Having said that, when i'm out in the day light everything feels very "gray", when i think maybe it would be more normal to see it as a nice sunny day. Seeing all the houses along the streets and people driving to and from places feels very gray. Any relationships i have with people feel gray. All my memories have a grayness about them. I think loneliness is apart of this gray feeling, though not lonely as in no one is around right now but lonely like it wouldn't even matter if anyone was around anyway.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Quercus — Fri, 25 May 2018 12:20:01 GMT

Hi John and welcome back,

I had to smile... You use the word 'grey'. I use the word 'meh'. Some people use the word 'numb'. But in all the words show a disconnection with the people and things and experiences around us.

In my experience that inability to feel or care or connect is a warning sign my depression is not managed well.

Did you end up going back to the doctor? What has changed for you since your initial post John?

A thought I have been struggling with lately is purpose. I have days where I feel like I'm just passing time on this earth. We do need purpose and connection. I know you mentioned struggling to connect with people but what do you feel about animals or the environment?

Is there anything that you feel able to connect to even in this grey space you're in? For me I find those things I find enjoyment in and seize the opportunity to feel.

I hope you can keep talking us through how you are managing.

Nat

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Fri, 25 May 2018 19:38:01 GMT

I haven't been back to the doctor yet. I'm not so good with organizing things that i should be doing.

I like animals a lot, but still any family pets we ever had that died or were given away didn't make me feel anything. I don't know if i'm a sociopath or what, but i just don't experience feelings of missing things. It doesn't really matter whether i do nothing all day or create things or socialize or anything at all, i still feel like it's all for nothing and everything keeps on feeling gray. As far as i can tell i don't really want anything either. Like i don't have any real desire for things other than like some fizzy drink or other such pointless things.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Quercus — Sat, 26 May 2018 06:31:06 GMT

Hi John,

Thanks for replying to me. The way you write about not 'feeling' is a real concern to me. I know you mention it is difficult to make yourself organise the doctor's appointment but I do feel strongly it is really important.

Do you feel like you are a risk to yourself or is it more just numbness?

If you worry about things like being a sociopath that really does need the guidance, opinion and diagnosis of a psychiatrist. You said you saw one once and it didn't help but I can't help but think you do need to know what is going on within you in order to make changes.

If you feel at risk could you please call or sign up for an online chat with the suicide callback service? 1300659467. You don't have to be suicidal to call. Of all of the helplines this one does allow for longer conversations.

I hope you don't feel fobbed off by this. I am still listening if it helps you to write. But I do feel you need more support than you currently have.

Nat

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Sun, 27 May 2018 11:03:13 GMT

Probably not going to do anything drastic any time soon. I've tried to figure out if my ability to have relationships with people was damaged by the bad things that happened when i was young but really i can't recall ever having cared about anyone much. I was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum once so i just go with that explanation.

By the way, having been diagnosed on the spectrum + all the bad things that happened when i was a child makes it seem like i hit some real bad luck upon being born.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

eagle72 — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 04:02:11 GMT

yes talking about it is an individual decision.....you have to be ready.....im a mum of an abused child and i could be driving...or going to the toilet and all the emotions will hit me.....so...i have to calm myself down....

i agree, no talking will change it or fix it....but it does release it.

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

eagle72 — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 00:45:16 GMT

John Smith the III please read....

reading between the lines you learn peoples true thoughts.....and with you.....your struggle of finding why? why did this happen to you? well....YOU WILL NEVER FIND OUT.

i am a mum of a beautiful girl who told me at age 2yrs that daddy hurt her. i caught him....he got supervised visits.

we had sexual assault detectives do vat evidence tapes....my evidence....child psychologists reporting that she 100% believes its true....

lets not forget i actually caught the bastard.....so YEAH....ITS TRUE..

my point to sharing all this with you john is......

let go of wondering how, why,.....i too cant comprehend how a dad can hurt is daughter who actually was 22months at the time.

im sorry you suffered back then...and still do.....but as a mum of an abused child, i DID EVERYTHING to get that sicko locked up and the courts protected him.

11 years on and i am suffering....she now has chosen to live with him....yes thats right.

all the feelings and emotions have come back. i feel i failed.

im sorry no one protected you john, but i suppose im sharing all of this to let you know that no matter even if someone had.....

we are alone in our thoughts....

the best we can do is accept people as they are. it is there problem. not ours.

the pain is ours......

the wondering why me.....is ours

the constant flashbacks .....is ours

but ALSO....

we OWN OUR SOUL....they will NEVER BREAK US!!!

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

John_Smith_the_III — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 02:41:02 GMT

That is a disturbing story. I can't really wrap my mind around the insanity of it all, or how for these offending people it's just a normal everyday thing for them. I'm always stuck between understanding and hatred.

topic Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text* in PTSD and trauma

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

topic Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text in PTSD and trauma

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text

Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. Wall of text