topic Black dog returns & I still can't control it in Depression

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Mares73 — Sat, 20 Sep 2014 22:48:40 GMT

Dear friends

I've been quiet of late. One reason was going through all the Royal Commission stuff & another was I felt I didn't want to take people's time. I usually like to try & offer support but I'm sorry I haven't been great at that the past few weeks. Problem is I was kinda managing after the RC until this Friday when I woke up out of blue feeling the black dog had me trapped. I felt down, helpless, frustrated & guilty that I couldn't stop it. I've had a big pile of bills & paperwork which everyday I say I must do by tomorrow. Yet I get anxious & they don't get done. A few jobs I need to do but have this terrible immobilized feeling where I feel stuck, unable to do anything much. Why when I've been through this many times before can't I deal with it? Why am I so low & lost interest in most things. I feel like a loser. I had a plan to do something each day to improve my health as I'm very run down

It was simple day 1 drink water as I usually hardly drink any, day 2 go for walk get out house, day 3 start cutting be mess I'm overusing. And I bought all this healthy food to make a soup etc & I've done nothing. I just feel so worn out that everything is a massive effort. I'll get a check next time I see Dr but if I didn't have depression I'd think something serious was wrong due to my extreme fatigue. I hate losing all motivation. I hate how this illness can just hit out of nowhere. I just want to function & hopefully experience a feeling of true happiness again one day. I really don't know what to do when I feel this low. Do I sit it out? Do I try achieve something each day as hard as it may be? After all this time I still don't know what to do when an episode hits. Its as though all my abilities get taken away. I don't want to feel this low. I've got a heap to go through with a lawyer over next 12 months to seek apology & compensation from the church. I just want to be reassured my strength hasn't gone. And when I feel like this things get really hard at home, my husband goes around saying he's sick of it & I feel so much guilt for an illness I'm struggling to control. What to do when it hits?? Anyway I'm sorry I haven't been my regular self with my replies. Lve Mares x

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

geoff — Sun, 21 Sep 2014 03:23:03 GMT

dear Mares, I have read your post but it's now a a bad time for me to respond as it's my time to log off, but I will reply tomorrow morning, I'm sorry for this and I apologise so very much. L Geoff. x

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

GrabAVoice — Sun, 21 Sep 2014 04:13:03 GMT

Hi Mares, Day by day, slow and steady. Have you got a friend you can turn to? If you do can the two of you just go for a little walk. Trying to get a little bit of exercise and fresh air can help. Are you seeing someone to talk to? Talk to your GP and get a referral to someone to talk to on a regular basis. Quite often our loads can be lightened in just having the opportunity to share a little of our worries. And do you know what??? it is nice to get another perspective sometimes on things - If you can't get to see someone then always remember that bb have a help line that you can call to chat with - PH 1300 22 4636. Be gentle on yourself Mares, take care and keep in touch. xx

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Damaged — Sun, 21 Sep 2014 04:19:29 GMT

Hey Mary.

So sorry to hear you are struggling so much at the moment. I can relate to so much of what you are saying though.

I feel pretty much the same way. I can feel like I am making progress at times and then out of nowhere it hits me, some times over the smallest things and I am back to thinking that there is no hope and life is over for me. I still really don’t know how to deal with it either. And yeah I know its no way to live.

Over the last month or so I have been able to ride it out which isn’t easy .The dark feelings always pass sooner or later though I know its only a matter of time before they resurface. Its just a cycle that for now I have kind of gotten used to though I am a long way from being happy. I wish I could be more supportive though I do know how you feel. Just try to hang in there. I know it’s hard, it feels like that’s all I’ve been doing for years 🙂 I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and the depression passes. I will be thinking of you while I am at work.

Big Hug,

Love Matthew.

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 21 Sep 2014 08:17:57 GMT

Hi Mares,

You say you haven't been here, but you supported me on my thread. I'm not super special, so you have been here, you have been helping.

On to you. I too get a waves of depression, sometimes with triggers but more often without. It feels frustrating because you think you are good enough, strong enough that it won't happen again. But it does. Not because we aren't strong enough, but because it WILL happen. Don't think of it as losing to experience it, change the goal posts. Think of surviving it as winning. That is at least what I do.

Depression wants you to do nothing. It may be beyond your capacity to do the pile of ironing, or sort and reply to the pile of paperwork. But don't look at it as a pile. Look at it as one letter at a time. Everyday, just read one letter. The rest can wait. You don't need to do it all today. Baby steps, Mares, baby steps.

As for the RC stuff, I don't have experience. I have been through property settlement. My only advice would be get the lawyer to do as much as they are willing to do, so you don't have to. Get them to call you, not you call them, things like that.

As always I am here for you, Mares, whenever you need me. You have been through a traumatic time and you deserve a time out, a bit of an easier time. I would give it to you if I could.

I can listen. You are strong, resourceful and resillient. This is just the illness, not a reflection on you.

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

geoff — Sun, 21 Sep 2014 14:38:27 GMT

dear Mares, you are putting too much pressure on yourself, because once you feel as though you can't do one chore, then you think to yourself about everything else that you have to do, so the list builds up, and then because of this you then think that it's just hopeless, and then pulling yourself down as low as you can.

You can't possibly achieve everything at once, your husband is of no help, so psychologically he is no support, whereas he should be your base for support, just like the foundations of a house, which is something which needs to be strong to hold the house steady, so in other words you have no foundations.

It's impossible for you to cope with all of this at once, the RC, the lawyer and then all the chores at home, and if your husband is of no help, then take your time to do what you need to do, take this pressure of you. L Geoff. x

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Neil_1 — Mon, 22 Sep 2014 00:08:32 GMT

Hey there Maresy

Great to hear from you. Not so great though my friend to hear that all is not good. 😞

But I still consider it a good day when I see your name on the threads here. 🙂

You’ve received some really lovely posts and GA’s was particularly good – with the breaking down of the things that you’ve got to do. Just tiny bits at a time. The rest can wait.

Can I change around your list just a tiny bit though. Tick very good (tick vg) for item No. 1 – drink water and then drink some more water. Could you then move to Item 2, the part about eating properly (healthily) – get those two Item’s happening and then that is like you’ve basically filled your car up with petrol, checked the oil and water and you’re ready to move along. The inner workings of the body can play a bit part in how we feel mentally. Just some thoughts for you.

The RC thing will be a bit issue for you over the coming months etc – but would it be fair to say that you’ve hopefully been through the most difficult part? I hope I’m ok with saying this – as in, for all the distress and awful things that happened, you possibly don’t have to bring those up again – and it will be a matter of the RC moving on all that’s been presented and dealing with it as such. I hope so.

Kind regards

Neil

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Jo3 — Mon, 22 Sep 2014 21:48:52 GMT

Hi Mary

I am not much for words - but I want to say that I am here for you. Pls don't be too hard on yourself, you have been through a very traumatic time with the RC and you need to ease up a little. Like the others have said - slow baby steps, even if it's just making something to eat; pls try Mary; I know you can do it.

These dark times hit us all and we know that it will get better; the storm will pass.

I am thinking of you so much and hope that you feel a little better today. I, as well as our other friends on here, are all here for you to help you get through this tough time; to support you and to send you big hugs.

Take care my friend

Jo xx

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Mares73 — Tue, 23 Sep 2014 04:59:31 GMT

Dear friends I just came online to see how others were, not expecting any responses to me so than you all from the bottom of my heart. GA you are so right-its like having an invisible fight & the other side keeps winning ie the depression not wanting me to do anything but to stay trapped. I wish I could get angry sometimes. In a positive way-every professional I've seen says I internalize & hold in my feelings. I haven't had the confidence much in life to externals things or express anger that is pent up deep inside. I'm a self punisher, my biggest critic, the one whose always at fault. I struggle to get the confidence to challenge this. Yet I need too. Neil I don't take care of even basic self ie I'm lucky to drink a glass of water a day yet I survive on coffee & cigarettes-bad I know. I have barely any apatite & at most eat a small dinner & my mentality for this is that the antipsychotics cause significant weight gain. And yet medically I don't fit the criteria for them as I've never been psychotic & have pure depression, anxiety & post traumatic stress. Yet my Dr prescribed them as an off label sleep aid & I tried to stop them last week & had such a bad reaction I'm bk on them.I don't put barely any effort into looking after my basic needs. And the royal commission has me on a roughly 12 month process. The Commissioner did say to me in the session I had to really think about going further in terms of the emotional toll it will have. But I came this far, I can't let it all go now when I have a chance to potentially save other girls at a school he's working at. That's the limitation of the Commission-they hear stories to improve the future practices but they aren't set up to investigate my claims & take action. I need to seek justice- to expose him & protect others. And yes I'll have to relive it all & the Priest gets to respond to my claims but I never have to see him & if he try to contact me I'd be able to get something like an AVO. So a long road ahead & I'm just trying to get thru each day & waking at 4am isn't helping. I'm running on nervous adrenaline & it's an awful feeling. I'm anxious & jumpy. I have to do much by end tomorrow as its unpaid bills, debt recovery etc simply that escalated because I didn't address the matters as they initially arose. So I'm begging for sleep tonight so tomorrow I can achieve what I need to. GA & Jo I've posted, Neil&Geoff can't see post? GAV I'll look for u. &Matthew on my mind post ASAP. Lve &hugs X Mary (Mares)

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Neil_1 — Wed, 24 Sep 2014 04:29:30 GMT

Dear Maresy

If you feel the need to unload and vent, and feel ok to do it, then please please come here and do it.

You know we'll always be here for you.

I'm so sorry that this RC thing is going to be such a drawn out and no doubt it's going to be an emotionally draining exercise as well. It's a shame that they can't stop this guy from working where he is now - considering you'd think that they've have enough evidence to stop him and his mongrel ways.

I know it's hard to do, but please Mares, try to keep helping yourself - in that, try to keep looking after yourself.

Take care my friend

Neil

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Damaged — Wed, 24 Sep 2014 10:30:32 GMT

Hi Mary. How are you?

I know what you mean about finding happiness. It seems like it is so far out if reach sometimes. Sometimes I feel the only way to get through life without getting hurt is to block out all emotions and not let anyone in.

Orange is the new Black is out on DVD. It’s worth a look of you like a dark kind of humour. I like to watch a lot of movies, pretty much anything but romantic comedy’s, they are pretty painful to watch alone.:)

I really liked Lone Survivor. It’s a war movie though worth a look. And Transcendence was good too.

As for the other questions. I have one brother though we don’t really speak very often. I am Australian and fit and healthy. As far as how old I was when I first had depression, I feel like it’s always been there really. Right from when I was very young. Looking back I put most of the blame on my Father who used to drink a lot and was very angry most of the time so that is what I grew up with. I realise now that he struggled with anxiety and depression his whole life. So I guess history repeats itself.

Thanks for checking in. I hope you are doing ok, don’t be too hard on yourself and just remember to breathe.

Hope to hear from you soon. Love Matthew.

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Mares73 — Fri, 03 Oct 2014 03:15:37 GMT

Dear friends reading through the posts today I started thinking of the enormity of this illness & how so many of us suffer alone in that it's hardly a social topic or others just couldn't relate to what it's possibly like to battle our demons each day. I've been really anxious lately. Almost wakeup like that & so the day ahead is full of fear. It stops me from doing all the things I want & need to do. I just feel overwhelmed. And I feel resigned to life this way. But that's no life just going through the motions. I'd give anything to truly experience feeling happy, hopeful & positive about my future. Yet my thoughts get overwhelmed with anxiety or guilt. I'm always thinking I should be better at things. I fear new experiences thinking I wouldn't be good at them. I avoid & escape. Always in fight or flight mode. And self blame for anything that affects others. Is it just always going to feel this lonely & sad? I've done a few things with my kids these holidays & their reaction has made me so sad. They have been amazed I've played games with them, done things they wanted to do. Both kids have said to me "mum it's so good to do things with you instead of only playing with Dad". And they've asked why I don't often participate in the things they do with their Dad. So I've felt really bad about that. I'm the one they come to for everything else. But playing & visiting people etc is not something I've participated in much. I have such low self esteem & it dominates my life. How do I have a better life & be happy? How do I feel more hope & less fear? How do I feel of about myself? Therapy hasn't helped. I'm lost as to what to do. Reading "The Happiness Trap" in hope of ideas. I really do try. Im not good at valuing or taking care of myself. Still struggle with things like drinking water, eating regularly. Yet i have such a deep fatigue most of time. Like i have to really push myself to get things done & its simply because of this real fatigue. Is it me, is it the meds or do i need a checkup. See i cant even work that out. Im sick of having no energy. Im sick of how i am & want to be better.I know i have reallly high cortisol levels so that woudnt help. But its inner peace im searching for, seems like i always have. Really stuck as to how to accept myself. Keep feeling stuck in a rut. Lve Mares x

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 05 Oct 2014 01:54:10 GMT

Hi Mares,

My tablet has frozen twice this morning, so I will make this quick.

I just wanted to say as much I am struggling, I am thinking of you this morning. I worried for you.

The only bit of advice I have is that if you are feeling low on energy, a check up with your gp can't hurt. At least then you'll know if its something organic or not. I am doing the same at the moment as I am not physically well, though it could be the whole not eating thing on my end.

I wish I had more advice for you, but all I can say is I am here to listen if you need me.

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

CrashCoyote — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 13:58:51 GMT

Just wanted to send you a big hug..............

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Mares73 — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 22:57:34 GMT

Dear John thank you for your beautiful message. I don't write as much lately. I guess I've been in my cocoon but I have been as active as possible in trying to offer words of comfort to others. There seems to have been a great increase in people new to the forums over the past few months so I try to make sure no one is left without a response. As for me-i didn't find going to the Royal Commission closure. The Commissioner literally listens to your story, asks a few questions & then thanked me & said the purpose of the Commission is to inform future changes & practices in the Church. I was very surprised that despite me expressing concern that the Priest in question was still working in a school, that the Commissioner said action falls outside the Terms of Reference & warned me to think carefully before taking the matter further-legally & by police report. I couldn't live knowing he could still be harming young girls. So after nearly getting the wool pulled over my eyes by several dodgy lawyers, I was very fortunate to learn the esteemed John Ellis would meet with me. So that happens next week. I get anxious & upset when having to really focus on my experience but otherwise I've taught myself it may be a lengthy process -I was told up to a year-to progress to a closure. So I put it to the side in my mind & try to only be affected by it when I have to talk about it.My biggest challenges right now a are dealing with anxiety as I wake up with it & become immobalised-lose motivation, procrasyinate, isolate & spend way too many days stuck in the house just wasting the day away. I need a strict routine I think that I force myself to follow. Because I'm not living life or experiencing anything. And I'm avoiding simple things that need doing like phone calls. I'm wasting my life through anxiety immobilizing me. No wonder I can't recall being happy as I'm not doing anything but hanging around the house lonely & lost. Then I beat myself up with guilt & criticism. I just don't know where to start to get out of this trap. I'm going to run out of Word allowance. I actually feel glad I've been honest & opened up in this ms. Beats living in my head. Hope to hear from you. And my other friends I miss you & wonder each day how you are. My friendships here mean so much to me. How together out of my rutt? Ideas very appreciated. Lve Mary (Mares) xxx

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

CrashCoyote — Thu, 16 Oct 2014 03:44:56 GMT

Hi Mary,

I know there is so much going on for you and I hope you are able to draw some comfort from the many replies to your post. We miss you when you aren't on! It is all very tricky, isn't it? Breaking bad habits like poor eating, living on smokes and coffee, being sedentary.

I notice how often I eat well through the day, low sugar, low fat, highfibre and low GI breakfast. Good lunch, soup of sandwich. Lots and lots of water. (Except for booze, I rarely drink anything else.) Then it is night time. I watch tv, spiral down, start eating everything I can lay my hands on and a few nights a week, drink heavily. I know the pattern well.

Today I tried to modify it. Usual boring breakfast (untoasted oats and low fat milk), plenty of water and then I grabbed that black dog and took him for a walk for an hour. Nothing special, I just made sure I exercised. After I get off here I'm going outside to do some gardening and then tonight will work on stage two, not eating and drinking myself to death! It is only day one and I have failed so many times before, but I'll try.

I'm hoping you might make a little change if you can. First, really try to drink some (read lots of) water. Coffee is a diuretic and your kidneys, liver, joints and other parts of you really benefit from water. Try to do two litres a day, which is only about four of those bottled waters you can buy at supermarkets for about 30 cents each. I sip at them all day and easily do six of them! Obviously tap water will do if you can drink it in your area. Get a plastic bottle and just refill it.

Second, get your black dog on a leash and take it for a walk. There is no substitute for exercise and sunlight. Who knows, we might run into each other in the neighbourhood!

Take care, Mary. I'm in the crowd keeping our eye on you. Kind regards, John.

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

CrashCoyote — Thu, 16 Oct 2014 03:45:49 GMT

You are super special.

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Jo3 — Thu, 16 Oct 2014 06:14:53 GMT

Hi Mary

I hope you don't think I have forgotten you, because I haven't. I think of you all the time and wonder how you are. It's just that sometimes I am in my "own little world" and don't really know what to say to others on here.

I feel sometimes like a fraud who doesn't reply to people. But I am a truly caring person who cares for others especially ones who are struggling with a mental illness. And Mary I just want to say that I care about you, what you have been through is the most toughest thing anyone could do.

Pls take care and you will always be my friend

Jo xxx

ps. I love your little dog!! So cute.

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Mares73 — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 21:44:03 GMT

Dear friends apart from trying to reach out to others new & in need, I have been quiet about my own circumstances. As most know I attended the Royal Commission into serial abuse in Catholic church to tell my story of abuse. I felt no closure despite doing this as I learnt that the Commissions role is to hear accounts which will contribute to better policy in the Church. The Commission didn't have investigatory powers so I walked out empty knowing my perpetrator was still working with kids in a country catholic school. I couldn't live with myself knowing this & not doing something to help protect the children. So last week I met with a lawyer whose going to take up my case. It will take approx a year as the Church does their own investigation & the priest gets to respond to my allegations. First step though is reporting to police which is mandatory. It's been a roller coaster & I'm anxious about the whole thing. I feel like I've retreated into my shell again & spend aimless days where I pre plan what I'll do-only to wake with anxiety & achieve nothing so that by the end of the day I'm depressed. I'm really struggling with motivation. I wish so much I could achieve something concrete each day. I have unopened mail, endless lists of things to do & calls to make yet I say I'm lonely & isolated-which I am-but surely achieving some things would make me feel better. I feel hopeless, hindered by a sense of "being stuck" & unable to do anything. I don't think spending everyday alone isolated with no real purpose would help. I'm lucky to ever have a conversation with anyone yet I could reach out to others if I had the motivation & confidence. I'm sad today, wondering if this is how it will always be. Like this morning I said to my 10th old son I was too sick with bronchitis to go to his school disco but his Dad would take him & he replied "yeah I knew it mum it's no surprise". I felt hurt & guilty. Despite all the positive feedback I got from the psychologist about how I was treating him etc I still feel if he ends up having issues when his older it will be my fault. I hate having little control over when the darkness will envelop me. I just want to feel some forms of happiness & motivation to engage in the world. I'm feeling lost yet I try so hard. X Mares

Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 02:09:37 GMT

Hi Mares,

I feel for you so much, as you went through so much to get justice and only found that justice wasn't going to happen via that mechanism. Now you are trying to get justice, and it is an incredible act of strength to do so. It is no wonder you may feel you are backsliding in terms of symptoms. Doing so difficult must take all of your strength, with nothing left care for yourself with.

I do hope you are doing things to care for yourself, even if it is little things. You do deserve them, as much as you may feel that you don't.

Someone from one of my therapy groups once said a an adage from her grandmother which has stuck with me. It goes:

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

I know its impossible not to worry, but try focus on the present moment and what you can do today. Maybe you don't have a great relationship with your son now, but you are trying. There will come a time when you can make that your number one priority and focus all your strength on that. In the mean time you can do little things maybe. Go shopping with him for a nice shirt for the disco, maybe.

I'd also suggest writing what you feel now, what is going on now in a series of letters to your son. When he is older and you are in a more stable place, you can show them to him, even if he can't talk to you at the time. Maybe it will help him understand.

My mum wrote a similar letter about the day I was born and the problems that followed and gave it to me last christmas. It contained everything she could never say out loud and I have kept it because it means so much to me.

I wish I could be there for you now, Mares, as you face what feels like another mountain while travelling already rocky territory. The good news is that you have already climbed one mountain. You can climb this next one.

Your friend,