topic Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !! in Depression

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Neil_1 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 03:35:16 GMT

What’s it all for.

Go to work to do aimless stuff.

I work out at the gym – continual working out, but am I getting any bigger? Doubt it.

Injured my bicep in November and it’s still giving me grief.

I’ve stopped one of the really enjoyable things in life (having beers at night) and this is giving me grief as well. I mean if it wasn’t for my fat stomach, there’d be no need to go off it.

Feel tired so much – and I thought it was just in the morning, but now it’s getting to me during the arves as well now.

Am a hopeless joke of a father to my son. Thank goodness that our daughter is a ripper! But then she's turned out that way largely to her Mum's influence. But our son just frustrates the hell out of me and makes me so sad and mad. He won't go to bed early - that's a source of aggravation. I’ve stuffed up so badly. I doubt there’d be another household that would be like ours – where our son basically gets everything that he wants. And grumbles a lot of the time too. But that's just another balloon of my depression.

Want to just lie down in bed.

Also have a sore right glute/hamstring attachment; and also sore lower back, due to me being a 'paper boy' every Tuesday evening.

But yeah, these are just some of my stressors at the moment - tears still won't come - but I find I'm getting mad and angry INSIDE me; that it's all balling up into a tightness but it won't explode and if it did, I don't know in what form it would come out.

I feel like a sham as well - I post to others and reply and support, but all the time I'm feeling just a joke of a person who has my own battles. But then I turn it around and think, well at least posting here is possibly one of the things that I can do that is perhaps 'right'. I mean, the amount of feedback I've had from you wonderful people has shown me that.

But with all these stressors at the moment and the massive question is: what’s it all for?? Where is the next smile going to come from? But really, will a smile make all that much of a difference??

What do I want?????? I don’t know – not to be continually stuck in an office everyday of the week. Not to be injured. Well, neither of these will ever come true – well one will but that’s so far off in the future that it’s not worth thinking about and the other one would be if I stopped one of my biggest passions in life – to work out.

So the clock ticks on, the day progresses and the endless cycle just continues on.

Thanx for reading.

Neil

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Guest_3712 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 04:56:19 GMT

Hey neil,

I was about to log off when I saw your post. I am at a bit of a loss as to what to say but please if it comes out dumb, please forgive.

It is so hard being the strong one. The go to person whether it is as a dad, a co- worker or on BB when you are idolised by millions ( no pressure)

I was always the strong one in the family, at work and so on . When I had my breakdown post injury I used to scream at people, "Don't say You are such a strong lady you will get over it. It is too much pressure "

You have to know 2 things for sure ( well probably more but 2 at the moment)

You are definitely doing something 'right' when you post on here- you know that for absolute sure.

The other thing is you come first. You must loo after you . I replied to you and Geoff the other day and said I was worried you guys gave so much and maybe wasn't getting enough back.

So as you said to me, if you need to vent, yell, whatever do it. To deny yourself this release is not doing you any good. You can be the one asking for help you know.

You don't always have to be the giver.

kids are meant to make us sad and mad, and frustrated and angry and also warm, and fuzzy and cuddly and just awesome- that's their job. I seriously doubt any child of yours could be anything but amazing.

Maybe just maybe our expectations are too high and always remember they are all different, don't compare it's not fair to you or them.

Ok I really have to go and besides I can feel the system spiking with all the replies to you coming through.

Neil please Be kind to yourself.

Stressless

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Mares73 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 06:52:54 GMT

From your No 1 Fan of the "Neil Fan Club" (sorry but there's too many to mention so I've started a group), you know everyone's going to come running or crawling our of their hiding place to remind you how great you are. I'm not going to say I'm sorry to read how your feeling-I mean I AM sorry that your feeling in the depths of darkness-but I AM also glad you've let some of the frustration out because its long overdue my special friend. I often wonder 'how can Neil sit day after day & read so many stories of unhappiness & distress-and pour out response after response of compassion, support & advice whilst holding in every drop of emotion, pain & frustration that is eating away at him at the same time". You are incredible in the way you do that. But what worries me is that whilst it proves what an amazing support to others, it also demonstrates (to me at least) how much you suppress and shut away your own feelings & experiences. It's a bit like what you said the other day-if you want to avoid talking about yourself -all you have to do is ask the person your with questions-and as you pointed out most people are so self-focused they will sit quite happily talking about themselves-defective questioning I think is the fancy term for it and I know it because I use it to avoid being asked about myself also. Very useful technique. So anyway subsequently I wonder what happens to all of your feelings because you don't tend to express them here. I know your exercise is a massive thing in your life & that's great. I know you love your family heaps, can't honestly say I know whether your partner understands or not as you've never mentioned her much. Not sure what you do for work except you don't seem to like it. I'm digressing-I guess I'm just giving you an idea of how much you know about so many people you support but as for your life situation, your feelings and the times you get down-I don't much. So I've wondered how you cope with all the things that get to you & how you deal with them. I'm not sure you even feel comfortable expressing yourself as a person on this site. And there's nothing wrong with any of that Neil, in no way am I criticising you, I guess I was so surprised to see a post from you & hoped so much you get the kind of responses you need or find helpful (rather than my rambles). I agree its a real downer when you feel each day is just turning into another & there isn't much to look forward to. Do you read much? I love crime fiction, don't know why given I sit tense and hunched over my chair but still love the thrill of what's going to happen. I never really have had hobbies, guess we never did much as kids & I've always worked so hard when employed so never had much time. Now I've almost got too much time in that I struggle to come up with ideas of things to try. But this year I got a lovely jounal (I still have yours) and decided to try do a "Therapy Project" where I'd keep quotes, thoughts, pictures etc, a kind of overview of the year and my feelings as the year progresses. Do you have any hobbies? Or things that help distract you when your down? I find that the hard part, what to do with my time when I'm down. But hey I'm reading that "Happiness Trap" book & I can really relate to it. It's great because its grounded in real life stories, it's not pop Pyschology. I wonder if your library would have it-I'd love to know what you thought of it. I usually have an intense dislike of Selfhelp fiction. Well I've asked you a lot of questions, no need to answer all. Just interested in you & your life because I really care & I also wonder how much support you get & whether its addressing what you need. I'm not just saying this Neil-you are a truly incredible person, your dedication to others well being is inspiring, your compassion is so genuine & your ability to connect with such a broad, diverse range of people who are all reaching for support is truly amazing. So be assured that in saying what I will, I'm saying it out of the depths of my heart-please have a think about what's really lurking below the surface and think about trying some ways& types of support & assistance to address your "demons". We all have them and if I didn't care I wouldn't be saying this. But I care very much & your too special to live the rest of your life plagued by guilt & a range of unresolved issues. And please forgive me if I've taken liberties I shouldn't of. My intentions would only ever be to support you. You are very special in my life. And I wish I could offer you a smidgen of the support you've given me. It's time to "take care of business" as the saying goes. Yours truly, "madly" and deeply!! Mares xxx

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Vera55 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 07:27:06 GMT

Oh dear Neil. A wee bit of self assassination happening here. You are NOT a fraud.

Two different things happening that are not related. One is that you are a skilled and caring person who grasps other peoples pain and tries to help.

two, your illness clouds and robs you of thinking clearly regarding your own vulnerability.

Two different things. They don't cancel each other out.

regarding having a drink. Is the timing wrong for you? If the abstaining was giving me this much grief I would look at the problem differently. What I mean is when you can.

boredom is what brings on my depression. It's not that I have to be manic and busy I have to feel engaged. I don't work because my depression is so severe at times that there is no one at home between my ears at times. Can't put two and two together yet I was a highly functioning person about 15 years ago.

Neil, how old is your son? What are the consequences for his going late to bed? I don't mean from you but school etc.

and Neil, some gentle advice that you would give- you are doing the best that you can at the moment.

A new career beckoning? I am not sure if you are aware of what a terrific writer you are. I read Carey Tennis blog and he too is terrific and you are quite similar with your insights. He used to write for Salon but now has his own site.

i love that line you or Geoff used not to look up the mountain. I have been using that daily and it works.

So dear Neil, do what you have to do for yourself and we await your next post. Kind regards Vera

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Jo3 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 10:29:05 GMT

Oh Neil my friend

If Mares is your number 1 fan then I am number 2!!! LOL

Neil you have helped me so so much I have lost count how many times. I feel like I know you without meeting you, if that makes sense.

I am sorry you aren't feeling great at the moment, but I agree with Mares that you don't vent out very much and when you do I think OMG Neil is not doing too great, we never hear from Neil.

I worry about you because you seem so quiet on the ranting and posting side of things.

Neil you are not a sham or even a loser of a dad. I don't know you personally but I reckon you would be an awesome person, partner and dad. You know kids go through stages, my boys did and I remember my two boys fighting with each other, telling me off, never swearing but just being boys at this age. Their hormones are raging and they are trying to work out where they fit in. My daughter on the other hand was and still is hormonal but much better now that she is older and has a boyfriend living with us.

This phase does pass with the children, your kids will grow and they will change.

Neil, you come on here and reply to a lot of people including me and from time to time its okay to let all your emotions out; let your anger and frustration out; it's okay.

I don't know what else to say - just that I am thinking of you and hope by the time you read this you are feeling a little better and positive.

You are worth it Neil, hang in there, I am by your side helping you.

Pls take care

Chat again tomorrow

Your friend

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Guest_3712 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 21:42:43 GMT

hey Neil

really sorry you are feeling so low, but also glad you felt ok about posting.

your other friends have pretty much said everything I would but I just wanted to assure you of a couple of things.

First never ever doubt you are a good dad- it is genetically impossible for someone as caring, compassionate, funny, intelligent , and good looking ( I just know) .

Children are always going to make us mad, sad, frustrated, happy, proud, and a million other emotions- that's their job. My kids are in their late twenties and I am constantly amazed at how they can pull on my heart strings one moment and then having me reach for a panadol ( I was going to say drink, but didn't want to remind you of your OFD's- oops I guess I just did)

the second thing is you have to know and be ok with the fact that you can't always be everything to every one. It is unrealistic and too much pressure. I remember when I had my major breakdown people were so shocked .

I was always the strong one, the go to person in the family , at work and even our social director. I can remember just screaming at people during this time, not to call me strong ! I was so tired of carrying the world on my shoulders .

You probably don't realize just how much you mean to people on BB not just because of your charm and wit but because of the occasional post like this one when you remind us that even though we can have some low times and the world is seen through a grey filter, with support from wherever our support system is ( family, friends, BB ) we can be sure at some time the sun will emerge again.

Neil take time for you. Don't let go of your passion 's - sure injuries suck but you are a jock ( I just know) and know how to work through this time.

Have a great weekend and if you want ( not need) want to have a drink, go for it.

Don't stress the small stuff.

OMG did I just say that?? Need to take my own advice

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

MaryG — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 21:53:03 GMT

Hi Neil,

Fist of all remember that this feeling of hopelessness will pass. You can't see it I know because you are in your hole or tunnel of darkness and there is no light getting in. Trust me and try to remember you've been there before.

So here's some practical advice that might help with the other stuff.

It sounds like you have two very different children. That's pretty normal.Just like us they all have different needs and ways of dealing with life. I doubt your son's behaviour has much to do with your parenting ability and more to do with his own personality (remember he is an individual unique human being) and age and stage of development. My only suggestion here is don't turn your frustration with him onto yourself, that will only make it worse for you and give that despairing churning cycle of self doubt some strength. Choose your battles with him. Let the little things go.

He will be OK and you need to look after yourself.

When you have become used to the wonderful crutch that alcohol provides, your life will seem very empty without it. Many of us have wondered "what is the point?" "Now I don't even have that to help me" "How will I cope?" I don't have an answer for these questions but I am learning (very slowly) the skills to help me understand. It takes time and it can be so frustrating and hopefully the end result will be a better me.

Injury sux big time. Especially if you are like me (and I think you are) and exercise gives you such pleasure and purpose. (especially when alcohol is missing) The concept of being patient and letting your body heal is so hard to accept. One option is to do some different exercise for a while. I had to move away from what I was doing because of injury and it forced me to focus on other strength and flexibility exercise that has actually made me fitter all round. My injury eventually healed and I now embrace a broader range of exercise and enjoy it more.

I really hope that today finds you in a better place.

Mary 🙂

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Neil_1 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 22:08:38 GMT

Hi there

I’m back again … I wasn’t going to, but thought, no bugga it, I will. I’m normally so **** with my responses, in that, I will write things in order and have a consistent theme to them – but this one might be all over the place.

My (our) son is 15 – oh, fast closing in on 16 actually – at the end of this month. I blew up last night and damn near put my hand through his door – ask him to do something and the answer is always, ‘No, can’t do it now’. “Ok, so when?” “I’m not sure – when this game is finished”. THAT’s dear people where I fall down. That’s where, wow if I’d have said that in my time, I would have had my backside kicked (and that’s just a term – never any violence of that sort when I was growing up). But nope, Neil walks away – and it festers inside.

At least it’s raining here this morning – really well – made it very hard to get up and going – with that beautiful sound of rain on the roof.

Vera, thank you for your compliment about my writing – I run a footy tipping comp each winter season (for both NRL and AFL codes) and this year I have a record number (137) tipsters. All done via email and a spread sheet and I have tipsters from many many different locations throughout Australia – word has spread over the years – this is my 15th year of running it. Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that I’ve had responses back to me so many times from people who say, they really enjoy the comp – even if they don’t do any good – as they really enjoy reading my emails that I send out each week – along with the results. That’s always nice to read.

A bit of news here – I have written up a manuscript about my life story (obviously so far) and you know at the end of last year/start of this year, I had a publisher who was championing the idea and was willing to put it into publication, etc. You couldn’t imagine (a) my surprise, (b) my excitedness, (c) my amazement, (d) my surprise and (e) all of the above at that news.

However, after paying quite a sum of money to get their proposals for how to best publish, launch and follow-up the book, etc everything came to a standstill. For what we were looking at doing the cost for me to outlay was similar to that of purchasing a small (new) car!! We simply couldn’t believe it.

Not having a go at the publisher or the company, that’s just simply how they operate their business – and for me, that was just not financially viable. The publisher has many others working at the firm who look over manuscripts, but as this was based on depression and a male’s version of it (something that apparently isn’t spoken/written about all that much), she was going to take on the project herself – as she is also a qualified psychologist. She did say that my story is a very powerful one and was really keen to take it on – but alas, I’ve just checked last night’s Powerball numbers and blah, I still can’t afford it.

I have tried two other companies with it in the meantime and their waiting period of reading and deciding on manuscripts are 3 and 6 months respectively. So I’m still waiting, but to be honest, that would be an even bigger amazement if that was to happen. I mean, this other person, basically read it and within a week and a half, it was decided that she’d take it up.

Anyway, I’m running out of characters and I’ve got so much more to say.

This feeling of stress, tension, anxiety is with me bubbling away pretty much all the time.

So there’s one of my gifts – able to write so many words and reveal so little!

Neil

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

scorch — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 23:13:25 GMT

hi Neil. I hope that you can see how much everyone loves you here! Mares, Vera and Jo have covered so much, and I completely agree with everything they have said.

You are NOT a failure or a sham. You are not a joke of a man. You are in fact a kind, caring, wise and sincere man. It sounds to me like you are a fantastic father, and I hope this doesn't come out weird but I wish that I had had a father like you.

I think it is great that you are having a vent. (although not that you are suffering, it is not great that you are hurting) We all need to do something to help release the balls of anxiety that smash away at our insides. You care so much about others, you spend so much time and energy looking out for the wellbeing of so many people, I have often wondered if you save any time and energy for yourself? It shows so much about your character and personal strength that you do so much for others even while you are hurting, but please remember it is also so very very very important to keep some of that strength to put towards looking after yourself.

I hope that you'll be able to draw some strength from the people who have posted here, and that their encouragement will help you get through the days.

The others covered everything so well, I don't really have much to add without repeating them, so I'll leave that alone. However I do want to add something.

You mentioned in your post along the lines of you 'don't know where the next smile is coming from'.... well, this might sound like weird advice, but here goes.

I never found smiles all that they're hyped up to be. You can fake a smile. You can force a smile. But a smile means nothing if it isn't genuine... so you know what? Stuff the smile! If you don't feel like you can smile today, then don't smile. If all you can manage is a grunt and a middle finger at whatever is making you feel like rubbish, then go for it. I'm not saying give up, I'm not saying don't try... I'm just saying, sometimes life can be a kick in the teeth - and for some reason people think you need to smile through it. When in reality, you are allowed to show that getting kicked in the teeth hurt like hell.

Just so long as you grab some ice and put it on the wound. You don't have to smile through the pain, just keep on applying first aid.

Because the important thing is what's going on inside. And to me, it sounds like you are burnt out. It sounds like you need to find an outlet (non destructive, as destructive outlets only make us feel worse) to release the stress that is eating you up inside.

Is there a way that you can have some time to yourself each week? Even if only for a couple of hours? Do you have a favourite place to visit? A man cave to retreat to? Is there somewhere you can visit to take some well earned time out? You mentioned writing, does that help to transfer some of the tangles inside onto the page?

I find I have to let the monkey of anxiety that is trapped in my brain out of it's cage frequently, I must let it run around or else it finds a way to break free and goes berserk like King Kong... it could take out entire cities when it's enraged and nothing can stop it until it's tired itself out. I find writing or time with nature can help to soothe it, giving that damn monkey the exercise it needs to stay restrained.

Maybe you need to find some things to help soothe your inner monkey too?

I have to go now Neil, but I really do hope that you've found some help through the words shared for you today. I know you can't necessarily see it, but you truly are an amazing human being - one of the very best. And whether you believe it or not, it is true. Please take some comfort in that.

your friend, Scorch *hugs*

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

geoff — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 23:55:45 GMT

dear Neil, my esteemed friend and no.1 supporter on the male side, I don't care one bit about showing admiration, endearment or affection for a male, as I always tell my 2 sons all the time that I love them and I do kiss them, so please don't be upset by me saying this as I have no fear in telling the truth in everything I say in life, because I think you know what I am saying, a spades a spades.

Now is not the right time for you to stop drinking alcohol, this will happen down the track or at a later date, because it is putting too much more pressure on you, and as I did comment on your AFD that everyone has their own tolerance level, which could last one week or even just one day, so there's no need to push yourself beyond limits.

If and when people 'told' me to stop drinking, this would only make me want to continue, because I had to decide in my own time when this would happen, you can't do something that is forced down your throat, it will never happen ever.

You know that the support for you is mammoth on this site, but more so the massive help that you have offered to people is enormous.

The richest man in the world would never be 100 % happy, he's a human being, he would also have his breaking points where he is upset and even melancholy so all the money in the world, yeh would be great, but it doesn't buy happiness.

Cancel April for the time being, because it's putting more undue pressure on you, I know that you want to lose some weight, but that can wait, and it's not necessarily the beer that's doing the damage, because it could be in your genes, well that's what I'm saying.

Your health in trying to cope with this dreaded illness is of prime concern. Cheers Geoff.

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

White_Rose — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 23:55:48 GMT

Hello Neil

I have been reading the posts on this thread (and other threads) but feeling unable to respond. Everyone else has said the things that I would like to say. So I will just say, "good on ya mate" hang in there.

I do have one suggestion about your writing. There are a number of self publishing organisations out there who will publish books at a reasonable price. Check out self publishing on the internet and see what is on offer.

I published my sister's poems that way when she died, and it was not a bad way to go. I did a great deal of the work myself. e.g. chose the pictures I wanted for poem, decided the order etc, chose the illustration for front and back covers, and the name of the book. In return I received a well printed soft cover book with an ISBN, a reasonable number of copies of the book (I think 30), plus posters and bookmarks to give way. The original cost was too high for me so I did a deal with them. Everyone is open to negotiation I find.

Apart from the satisfaction of having your work published you may find this a sufficiently absorbing activity which will take your mind off the desire to drink and restore some hope.

I hope this is useful.

Regards

White Rose

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Vera55 — Fri, 04 Apr 2014 08:49:28 GMT

Hello everyone.

Every time I get on this site I am amazed at the breadth of knowledge, skill and awareness that is evident in every response.

And the hidden layers in people. Neil, I am in awe that you wrote a book. It is something that is percolating in the back of my mind. RESPECT. You would make a fab ghost writer because your way with words and the way you paint a picture of a situation is a real skill. I found it really touching that you take the effort to care enough before you post!

Another lesson I learnt from this thread, and some of you allude to this, is how a person in need brings out the best in others. Although we are in need we also appreciate being needed.

So thank you all for the wealth and depth of all your knowledge and wisdom. I certainly appreciate it more than all the books I have ever read. - although I haven't read Neil's yet!

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Jo3 — Fri, 04 Apr 2014 09:19:42 GMT

Hi Neil

It's Friday night and I was wondering how you are doing?

Sitting at home watching the footy but about to fall to sleep and it's only 8.20pm.

I'm not much with words tonight - not feeling great but ........

All I wanted to say to you Neil is that I am thinking of you and hope you are doing okay. I'm sorry I just can't get words out tonight.

Pls take care

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Mares73 — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 00:09:46 GMT

Hi Neil

its a wet overcast morning in Sydney this Saturday. I did send you a "Goodnight" message last night but it has been lost amongst the deep piles of messages crawling through the system. How are you feeling today? I had 2thoughts to share. One was that my daughter is 15 this year & my son is 10-I could relate so much to the comments you made. I always think my children are the most spoilt kids that exist-I don't know what happened to our "boundaries" but the kids rule the house. The other comment was to back-up what Geoff had said-now is not the time to place yourself under another pressure-you can choose any month to stop drinking but it's not going to be this one. Things are tough enough. Let something go. You can have a "dry" month any other month. Give yourself some freedom my friend. I'm thinking of you & wondering how you are? Lve Mares xxx

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Genimo — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 00:44:39 GMT

Hi Neil and others,

i have joined today as my doctor told me about this site. Neil's forum post caught my eye because I too ask as well- what's it all for? I am finding it incredibly difficult to go to work (an office role) and I canon continue doing that...so how can we do what we want to do when we are stuck trying to pay bills, a place to live and in a place mentally that just is so hard to deal with.

Here's a bit about my story:

I married young and loved him dearly but husband was never there for me when I would go through difficult times at work and had to deal with bullying and mobbing. It got to the point where I couldn't deal with his non-action or caring about what I was going through at work so we drifted apart and I left my husband and lived with my parents at the age of 34.

We divorced and mentally I was not getting better and I started to feel incredibly sad. Overwhelmed and like I could not breathe and I hated being around social situations and people. Work was not any better and I moved around from office non to office job in the hope that I would find a workplace that was decent, not toxic, and not public service dysfunctional. My depression started to be one worse because no such place exists.

I took a year off and went to Sydney - the initial change was okay but without any family I found it incredibly isolating and my depression started becoming heavier and more frequent. I moved back home and started to rebuild myself slowly and I found another job in the public service. It was ok for a while but then I was moved to another section where the manager was a bully - I like to think of myself as a strong person (well that's what i started off as in life) but when you take enough hits and punches, you slowly beacomes weak and slowly start to believe you are worthless followed by an enormous sense of hopelessness that just never goes away..

i don't know why I always somehow become the target of bully's and toxic managers at work - I have become weak from hopelessness and sadness and I guess this shows as a potential target.

About a year ago - my ex husband and I met up for coffee and a movie. He gave me a letter saying all the things that he should have said (but didn't) in terms of support and love whilst we were married. My heart melted and it had seemed like we had both grown up. I had a flicker of hope and light and we talked about getting married.. Then as things went on - he decided he wanted out and that was that. Nothing had happened to instigate this but he said he didn't want to get married and wanted to be alone.

My world turned upside down... I haven't been able to function and it's a continual struggle and fight to plaster a normal persona and get up in the morning. I guess I find it hardest knowing that I have no one and work is still terrible and I'm suffering so much that I want to resign, but I can't as I need to pay for my townhouse. I can't tell my family what I a going thru internally as it would only make my mum more ill with sickness as she worries already for me and to know what I am struggling through would kill her with stress, anxiety and this in turn translates itself into ill health..

I'm the eldest of 3 daughters in my family so it's always been me who has held things together, looked after my sisters and done whatever I needed to to keep the family going. When you come to Australia as migrants with nothing, you do whatever you have to to keep the family strong and that's what I have always done..

So where I'm at today is that I find it incredibly hard to imagine a life without my husband. He still has all our wedding photos on the walls of our home (which he still lives in) and every little thing from movie tickets to gifts and cards we gave each other.

its amazing how much you wish you could turn back time and do things like NOT work in an office just because your family thought it was a good place to set yourself up financially. It's amazing how you wished you would have had the skills as a young person to just communicate better with your partner and probably avoid splitting up.

Nothing has gone right since 2009 and the anxiety attacks and constant sadness coupled with my sh*t no where I'm a bully's and mobbing target is hard...

thanks for reading my life story...

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Vera55 — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 02:13:59 GMT

Hello dear woman. What a story. And yet so universal too as I too played that role in my family and still struggle to extricate myself from perceived roles I should play in my family. I worked really hard with a therapist for ages to change that dynamic. Was not easy as we are so well trained, esp in migrant families to play our perspective roles.

It's sad when our love for a person is so strong and they want other things in life.

do you think if you remarried that you would be happy? Or do you think some other things are happening that you want to clarify for yourself?

What do you love doing? It's a start to clarifying what it is you want.

Hope to hear your responses soon. Kind regards Vera

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Neil_1 — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 02:42:04 GMT

Hi there Genimo

I agree with Vera - what a story! And sorry, before that I should have said, "Hey Genimo, welcome to Beyond Blue - that's a very positive move that you done to come here and then to provide your post". If you've read through the responses to my post, you'll quickly learn that the people on this site are just totally amazing, with their care, their advice, knowledge and support. Pretty much all of us are battling our own demons and yet, it's an amazing quality that the people here display - even in the most extreme adversity, they'll rise to support others.

Your very opening sentence revealed to me the answer to a question I was going to ask - and that is about your doctor. So you have seen your doctor recently. That is good - from a layman's side of things, that is good. But Genimo, do YOU think it's good? As in, do you feel happy with how your doctor is treating you with your depression? If yes, that is great. If not, please let us know and we'll be able to provide you with some advice on this.

Does your doctor have you on any medications and also have they got your referred to any other professional - either a psychologist or pyschiatrist??

If I'm reading right, it was just you and your ex-husband - no children involved? And that you're still living in the same town/city??

Your post is really strong with great messages in it - and the undertone amongst it is: "If only we knew THEN, what we know NOW". And yes, I've pondered this in some many respects of my life - too many, and fortunately those ponderings have passed - because that can really beat you - you cannot win from those thoughts.

What we have now (what you have now) is what you have - and as a result we (you - all of us) have just got to deal with it now as it currently is.

Now we can keep it going as is (and for some, possibly not the best thought or option) OR we can try to make change and instead of going down the same road, we turn off the road and create a new path/a new direction.

That is what I see as being our choices. So there it is Genimo - if you're reasonably happy with what you've currently got, but obviously still facing depression, perhaps stay as is. But if you're unhappy (really unhappy) with things and depression is bad, then maybe it is time for change.

Wow, where did these thoughts come from?? Can't say in all of my mass of posts, I've ever pondered or wrote that deeply. So thank you Genimo for striking a flame inside of me - having said that, was it that helpful? Who knows.

Cheers

Neil

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Neil_1 — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 03:02:31 GMT

Dear all

Thank you all so much for your wonderful messages of support, of advice and of shared experiences - I can't tell you how much of a 'pick-me-up' it has been to receive these messages. I've been through and read them all twice - it's quite hard to believe really.

So I did take the advice and on my way home from the gym last evening, I pulled in and bought some 'cold ones' - and so yes, yesterday was not an Alcohol Free Day for me and for that, I feel ok in doing so. I enjoyed the beers while enjoying Friday night footy. It was good.

I will make my confession to the other wonderful people on the AFD post, but will announce my climb back on the wagon as of tonight. It was, I think, just the 'tonic' I needed - so thank you for that.

I am better today (Saturday).

Mares, I do enjoy reading - I like a fair variety of stuff, but of late my favourite author is Lee Child; I really really enjoy his series of books about his main character, Jack Reacher. On the inside of one of the books: Jack Reacher - every man wants to be him and every woman wants to be with him!!

Kind regards

Neil

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

MaryG — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 04:00:25 GMT

Hi Neil,

so glad you are feeling a little better. So let's talk Jack Reacher. First if all Tom Cruise? What were they thinking? ( actually the movie wasn't that bad) Secondly, he has a toothbrush but no deodorant and he wears the same clothes day after day. Totally nailing all those low life' baddies must work up a bit of sweat and I've seen plenty of UFC fights and I know there's a bit of blood involved. How does he still attract the women? He must smell pretty bad. Don't get me wrong he is totally attractive from a woman's point of view but I have to ignore the lack of laundry to go there. Something appealing about his lifestyle though. Just him an the open road. No ties, no job. Just him.

Mary

Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

Genimo — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 04:46:07 GMT

Hi again everyone, thanks for your replies. Just reading your responses makes me sad but happy (if that makes sense at all)...

In response to Neil - I don't have any children and I guess I have become a skilled person at putting on my fake face and holding it all together...(just)...by the thinnest of threads.

i am not on any medication or anti depressants as my doctor wants me to try therapy as part of my mental health plan despite me asking fir some anti-depressants. So we will see how it goes... The usual go for a walk, do exercise, stay healthy etc, well that only works up to point and then those branches on that depression tree in your head, they start growing like mad and then you can't stop your anxiety attacks...and feelings of hopelessness and sadness. There are some days where I so bad that I cannot get up - I just cannot get up and it's very disrespectful when peoe say oh you look fine and you are smart, pretty, and why aren't you happy... Well if only it were they easy and life was that easy & superficial. But life and sadness and struggle and lost hope are all real and it's part of depression. I remember a time when I was so oblivious (maybe because I was so young) to all the problems and issues that I must deal with now...I think to myself why can't I just be like I was before?..... Maybe my eyes and ears weren't open before and over the years they've opened up and now I see it all for how life really is... Perhaps depression is like this brainwash tree that's in us and them node day over time, it starts to grow- those branches grow and grow and it gets even harder to chop and contain those (depression)branches. I