topic I'm broken, not just my heart in Depression

I'm broken, not just my heart

Mares73 — Mon, 10 Feb 2014 21:48:10 GMT

Hi all I posted after my dreadful pysch appointment yesterday but it hasn't shown up. Maybe because I mentioned my Psychiatrists only response to how I'm feeling. She wants me to be hospitalised to receive what I believe to be an extreme form of treatment usually reserved for few cases. My husband and I are in total dear. He's making me go to my mums for the week. But I have to get there myself and its an hr away. I can't even seem to pack a a bag as I'm so afraid of what power my psych has. Can she force this on me? I also saw mt GP to get a referral to a did rent Pyschiatrist but I can't afford her-$470 per session!! I'm frightened, crying, feel no hope, don't know how ill get thru this. I know I have to get to my mums before I do anything which gives my Pyschiatrist reason to do what she would do ie hospitalise and force draconian treatment. I'm so so scared. I just want to be held & told it will be ok. But it won't. I won't have computer at mums just iPhone so I can still come on here. What else can I say? Never ever beloved I could ever be in this situation & I'm self aware etc-the treatment she wants me to have is I thought-only used in extreme cases. I'm so lost now. My spirit that holds up my heart & gives me strength is too damaged. Mares x

I'm broken, not just my heart

Mares73 — Mon, 10 Feb 2014 23:18:49 GMT

My post about my experience with Physchiatrist has shown up-read under my last thread "Broken Heart". I feel very very desperate. I'm in tears, I don't think I can hold on much longer. It's all been so compounded by the lack of support & the lack of options. Do I continue to barely exist or do I have my brain fiddled with. Very very low. Xxx Mares

I'm broken, not just my heart

Neil_1 — Mon, 10 Feb 2014 23:37:43 GMT

Hi Mares

My friend, this situation is just not getting any better for you at all. This latest news/suggestion by your psych has obviously really hit you hard – and with how you’re feeling at the moment, it sure sounds like something that you didn’t need to hear or necessarily want to have done.

My initial and really only suggestion to this Mares, is that you seek an immediate 2nd opinion – if it’s possible. I know all these appointments etc run into money, but I’m just thinking of potentially chasing up one of the GP’s that are listed on this website.

Make an appointment and go see them – I know it’ll be damned awful to relate everything again – perhaps you could type things up into dot points and take that along, so you won’t have to go through it all via speak method.

I know you’ll have to dredge it all up again while you type it, but it might be easier for you that way than to sit down and talk about it all again. And make it a double appointment – as I always get told for when I’ve got to unload to my GP or when I need to have a medical health plan completed.

From that the GP may be able to refer you to a psych of their recommendation and to see what they might be able to advise.

I know it’s not possible, but at times like these, I do wish that there was some way we could meet and a few of us from here could see you and just be around you for a while; a hug, hold your hand, make a cuppa or a sandwich; just anything and to tell you that you’re ok, cause we’ll be there to look after you.

I probably shouldn’t have suggested that, cause it’s no doubt impossible to occur, but if it could, I’d drop everything right now to go be with you … and anyone else who needed assistance. I’m sure there’d be so many of us who would readily do the same as well.

Kind regards Maresy … one tiny tiny foot in front of the other

Neil

I'm broken, not just my heart

Girl_Anachronism — Tue, 11 Feb 2014 02:23:29 GMT

Mares,

It certainly seems that the current psych isn't helping in any way shape or form. I can only echo what Neil said above. I know it's hard especially financially, but please get a second opinion, even from a GP. Neil has all sorts of wonderful ideas on how to make that easier in his post.

I can give an opinion on the powers of your previous psych but take it with a large pinch of salt as I don't know legislation and don't work in that sector. What I know from my experiences in hospitals is that involuntary admission is only if the person is a danger to other people or themselves and there is no other option e.g: they can't be talked down, they have no one to stay with, etc. That doesn't fit you in my mind. As you said- you are self aware. While I am no Psych, from what I know of you, these facts do not fit your situation. The treatment seems extreme.

So what do we do in this situation? We et a second opinion. It won't be easy and it sucks telling someone new everything again. But with the current attitude your psych seems to be exhibiting, she doesn't seem to be helping you.

Take Care,

GA

I'm broken, not just my heart

Guest_3712 — Tue, 11 Feb 2014 02:58:36 GMT

Hi Mares,

I am so conflicted about continuing to post, but my heart just breaks when I read your posts.

So I am here for you.

GA is right, you cannot be forced into having ECT.

There are a lot of misconceptions out there re ECT- I have had numerous ECT treatments over the last two years, both as an in-patient and outpatient.

Please do not freak out about this- it is an option. My psych described it as another type of anti depressant.

Forget all that "One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" stuff.

Mares if you want me to tell you about my treatments I will and I will tell you the truth.

There is also a lot of info on the net- be informed don't be pushed into anything.

I have been exactly where you are now- in fact I have been considering ECT again for myself in recent weeks.

Let me know if I can help

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

I'm broken, not just my heart

Mares73 — Tue, 11 Feb 2014 04:24:23 GMT

Dear Neil, GA & Stressless thanks for your messages of support. Stress less no of fence but I don't want information on ECT-I don't believe it is even an option for me. I going to go to the Pyschiatrist I mentioned that my GP referred me to-despite the cost as my situation is now critical (she charges $470). I see her Monday. Tuesday I'm seeing a Pyschologist recommended. I am now staying at my mums until next week.im safe here & getting a break from home. I don't have a computer but I have my iPhone so I'll write each day. Neil I read your msg & cried. You always have great personal replies but today you really touched me & your words brought such meaning to me. I gotta go but thanks for all your replies. It means so much that you all care & to read your support. I can't thankyou enough x Lve Mares xxxx

I'm broken, not just my heart

Lilyn — Tue, 11 Feb 2014 06:01:40 GMT

Dear Mares

I have been reading your story and really wanted to write to you. I don't know what help or advice I can offer but just know that I am thinking of you.

I think that even though you may not feel like it right now, you have made some huge steps today. You have got yourself to your mum's- hopefully this will give you a restful space to be in until next week. You have made arrangements to see new doctors next week- even though this is probably very overwhelming at having to start agin with new therapists. You were able to recognise that the help you were getting was not good enough. Somewhere within you, is the ability to be self aware despite the dire situation you are in. To me, that is incredible and shows me that, despite how you are feeling about yourself, there is some self love in there. Try and hold on to that Mares. You are not giving up and to me that is something I have extreme admiration in you for.

Mares, you always offer people here such kind, warm, loving comfort. And you do this despite going through your own turmoil. It's time now to try and offer that to yourself. Just one minute at a time if you can.

Sending you love and comfort,

Lilyn x

I'm broken, not just my heart

Jo3 — Tue, 11 Feb 2014 10:00:46 GMT

Hi Mares

Pls take care, thinking of you and hope the rest of the week is peaceful for you. Hope you can get to have some rest as well.

Mares,

I really truly hope things improve for you soon.

take

Jo xxx

I'm broken, not just my heart

Mares73 — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 05:10:50 GMT

Hi all wanted to say thankyou for your support. Christopher has kindly put up a thread so you all know I'm safe this week but only have my iPhone so typing is hard & pls forgive spelling errors. Unfortunately the new Pysch ($470) has now left a msg to say she can't see me. Im going to phone the Pyschologist I had also organised to see next Tuesday & make sure she is definetly going to see me. I'm quite shocked how difficult it is to find appropriate support-even when I have private health cover & at this stage would spend whatever was necessary to get professional help. I'd even max out the credit card but despite money it seems it is still extremely difficult to find good professional support-especially in Physciatry. It seems that to get a response you have to be intending to harm yourself or at the other spectrum you are having a psychotic or similar experience-neither relates to me & even if it did I would be put in a public hospital which would have limited resources & most likely mental health professionals who are not very experienced & are exhausted themselves at the pressure of an underfunded & resourced field in which mental health is in crisis. And that's not just my opinion-3 separate professionals have made comments including "mental health is in a state where 'bandaid solutions" are all that some Pyschiatrists can provide by way of medication to treat the symtoms. They don't have time to provide any form of therapy let alone familiarize themselves with a patients history. So they take the most recent diagnosis (without context or knowledge of whether the episode is triggered by any external factors, or is it the first episode or part of an ongoing illness that requires monitoring & review. And they assess the person solely on their state at the time of the appointment & prescribe medication according to the patients primary symptoms at the evaluation time". Other comments "many of those patients 'fall through the cracks' as there is no followup & some don't have a regular.GP & even if they do there is no mental health plan in place". And I'll just refer to one other conversation where I was told "if your unlucky enough to end up in the public system you will probably see several Psychiatrists with diffrent opinions & many of whom are starting their career in the public system. Therefore many are inexperienced. Yet if your able to afford a Private one, despite reassurance they are experienced; you may have to wait sometime for an appointment & that's a problem if you need an appointment urgently & may end up in the public system through the local Acute Team or see diffrent private Pyschiatrist who has a diffrent assessment than your regular Pyschiatrist - thereby confusing you & placing you in a difficult position in terms of deciding what path of assessment and treatment to trust". I realise that sounds very negative but I am not intending to disregard the entire system as I'm sure many of you have great professional support. I guess I was trying to express that in general broad terms-mental health is under resourced. Yet it is now recognized as one of the major health issues in our society.And this is highly publish cede recently. Jeff Kennet's recent public comments have reinforced how many people are affected by depression & the lack of resources to address this area is of major concern. It is great that through the comments of high profile people others may learn to be aware & to help break the stigma that is still attached to depression. And then there are high profile figures who have experience of depression & whilst my heart goes out to them-they help break the stereotype of what a person with depression "looks like". Now it's about time I asked how you are & to thankyou from the depths of my heart for your concern, care & friendship. My friends here are the support system that has ensured I keep a glimmer of hope, you have reassured me, shown such compassion & reassured me there is a life beyond this pain. This has been the lowest patch of my life in terms of depression episodes & you are the people I have turned to & you have helped me to hold on. You have seen beyond my suffering to the person I am. And Neil-to you I say if I could have one wish (apart from taking away pain) my wish would be that I could be with you & our friends & just hangout for a while. I hold onto that wish because maybe just maybe on the BB Roadshow bb would consider if there could be an open "meet & greet" kinda session for those who wanted to meet each other & new people who might find it easier to talk to someone who has shared an illness.

Unfortunately being at my mums isn't easy. She doesn't understand & keeps telling me "not to think" & keeps pushing me to go places where she has to go - such as going & sitting outside whilst she had a pedicure appointment. I'm so exhausted I just want to rest & watch TV & start my journal. But she's treating me as if I'm here to keep busy with her stuff & drag me along to any appts she has. And she wakes at 6am & wants me dressed "incase someone drops in". And if I'm teary she says "you have to stop this & get yourself together because you have responsibilities & expect you to go home & fix everything next week, make it up to your husband & kids". Yes as if I've chosen this state to be in. Being here or home I'm not relaxed but I'm safe here if I have bad thoughts I guess & because my husband wanted a break. But fortunately he only took 3 half days off work the whole 2 wks I was unwell at home. I guess I am worried about what it will be like at home. Worried that nothing can change yet. I just want hope to manage til I see the Psychologist & I hope she is good. And I also have to find another Pyschiatrist as there is still the urgent issue of reviewing medication & providing a 2nd opinion in case I got very low again. So that the issue of ECT can be killed off. Just a bit worried about my fragile state & limited support. I think if the Pysch I was going to see for a 2nd opinion hadn't cancelled & I knew I was seeing a Pysch & Pyschologist next week-yes I'd be nervous-but I'd also have a bit of hope at finally getting the right help. But all I can do is take it day by day. I realise you are each continuing your journeys the best you can & some of you are really struggling. I brought one of my favourite candles here & I lit it last night & sat & thought of each of you, and Christopher for amazing support. As I watched the candle burn lower & lower I watched the tiny flame & sat thinking about each of you & how much I hoped the flame in each of you will soon be lighting you up again. And the wind may come & go & candles tend to flicker side to side & up & down & just when you think the wind is top harsh it's going to blow the candle out-the spark of blue stays burning blue very small & then the wind eases & the flame starts to grow & brighten. Some of you are like the tiny blue flame just holding on & all of you are either burning or hurting or healing. But if you can - remember the flicker of a shining bright candle & how beautiful it is despite being surrounded by darkness. Each of you have a flame & each of you shine beautifully to me & I hope soon you will feel the strength of your own beauty as you shine yet again. My love, Mares xxxx ps written on iPhone -2hrs-forgive spelling.

I'm broken, not just my heart

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 05:33:17 GMT

Hi Mares,

FIrst of all, kudos to you for managing to write all that on an iPhone. I find texting on my phone a pain with my giant fingers let alone writing a post for this forum. I save all the writing for my PC at home.

On one hand I am glad I am at your mums because you are safe. On the other hand it doesn't sound like she is being very supportive. Or at least she thinks being supportive is to keep you busy and treat with you a tough love approach, as if you'll just get over it. We all know here that's not how this illness works. If only she could understand that sometimes you do need to spend an entire day, not leaving the house just doing the things you need.

I can only hope that her treatment of you comes from a place of love and that she is acting the way she is because she thinks that is the best way to help you. I still think her condemning your tears is deplorable. Maybe that's just my angry streak showing but ugh. Is there a way you can explain to her that that isn't how depression works? Maybe there is some data on that on the BB website she could look at. Or just show her my comment.

I say "Shame on you. Mares is a lovely human being in a lot of pain right now and she needs your help, not your scorn. Distractions are good but not always what someone who is depressed needs. Sometimes she will need to cry and that is OK. Tears are part of the healing process. next time she cries do not tell her to get over it, if you can't say anything nice then just sit there ( if she'll have you), hand her the tissues and hold her close; saying nothing. That will be of more worth right now than your tough love."

Can you maybe take your journal with you, so you can write in it while she goes shopping and gets her nails done? A journal sounds like a good idea for you and it means you can write on something bigger than a phone screen!

Take Care,

GA

I'm broken, not just my heart

Jo3 — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 06:40:16 GMT

Hi Mares

I am feeling so sad for you because you need the love and support and help. Gee I wish I was your mum - I would take care of you right now. I would give you space but look after you; give you hot chocolate, tea, cook your special meals and maybe take you out for walks.

I hope you can see this other psych next week. You really anyone now that will help you.

Take it day by day and reasurre yourself that we are all with you, imagine us all there with you, talking, eating, drinking singing maybe even dancing! or just sitting together and being friends for each other.

Be kind to yourself, pls take care and I am thinking of you this week.

Jo xxx

I'm broken, not just my heart

Neil_1 — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 10:04:24 GMT

Hi Mares,

Wow, I can't believe how you can do that ... provide that brilliant post on a phone. And the detail.

I'll leave off comments about your mum's 'tough love' ... but I think it's embedded into their psychey at whatever age your mum is ... or folk of that generation. They just say, 'come on cheer up', 'there's so many people worse off than you' 'what have you got to be depressed about'; etc etc ... oh great Neil ... you weren't going to comment on this.

It's damned awful that your new psych can't see you. Did they postpone it to another time/day? Do they not realise how important this is for you? But it sounds like they didn't offer you an alternative day and time! That's appalling.

I tell you what though Mares ... with the information that you've gathered from the mental health support systems and that is from speaking directly to professionals involved, this kind of information has got to be forwarded to people who can make things happen.

"Dear Beyond Blue, are you able to cut out some of Mares's comments from above and forward them to ... gee, I don't know ... but to me and I'll be so many others, it just doesn't seem good enough. When sufferers are in a shocking way, it's so distressing to hear about all the dead ends they are experiencing with trying to get appropriate support to assist them. And this is for people who are in need of extreme critical care and it just doesn't seem to be happening.

For Mares and for others who are in this dire situation, it must be frustrating as hell for them to get fobbed off so often. It upsets me to read about it. I just wonder what we can do about it.

End of rant to Beyond Blue - thanx for reading."

Back to my friend ... Maresy, I know GA mentioned something along these lines but is it possible to just tell your mum that today, you simply cannot go anywhere and you will stay home and look after things.

You did mention that at least you're in a safe place and I feel comfortable in that knowledge.

I have my psychologist appointment tomorrow (Thursday - the dreaded, 13th Feb ... it's one of my awful dark days of the year - at 3.20pm, all those years ago, I stuffed up and ....... yeah, enough about me), but I am looking forward to my appointment. You oughta see the printed pages of stuff that I'm taking along with me - just as references for how I've been travelling.

Mares, I'm so pleased that you continue to post and it's great to hear from you. You have so much support here and so many wonderful kind people here have you in their thoughts.

Take care my special friend

Neil

ps: I've said it before and I'll say it again ... if ever a group of us were to meet, I would most definitely burst into tears. Yeah, that'd be a great positive first impression wouldn't it Neil !!!

I'm broken, not just my heart

Mares73 — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 02:56:59 GMT

My wonderful, beautiful friends-I miss you so I can't help taking the time to type on the small iPhone screen. GA, Jo & Neil thankyou so much for your most recent comments. You are all amazing people. I've been wondering how you are. Neil- I know you are seeing your Psychologist today-and I also know the significance of today in your life. I've been thinking of you all day. And I am sending you a big hug. I'm holding on & just wanted to remind you that you remain in my heart & thoughts. Love Mares xxx

I'm broken, not just my heart

Chris_B — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 03:34:27 GMT

Hi Mares,

Hope things are a little brighter for you today.

We will be arranging forum meetups as part of the roadshow, watch this space. It would be a great thing to have happen - one of the aims of the roadshow is for people to make connections with support that last, I would love to see the wonderful friendships that have developed online here to spin off into the real world for those that want to.

Neil's comments about service gaps: this is a difficult area. beyondblue isn't resourced to take up advocacy for individual cases, but stories like Mares' are very valuable as part of the bigger picture in pushing for reforms in mental health care and hearing peoples' experiences does help inform our work in this area. This is slow going, I know it doesn't help now, and that is frustrating and upsetting. beyondblue does believe there is an urgent need for mental health system reform and last year developed a 5-point plan to drive change, which you can read more about here. Please have a read and feel free to start a new thread about this, it's a really important discussion.

Mares, another avenue which I understand you may not have the strength to take up right now is to investigate whether you have grounds for a complaint with regards to the treatment you have received. There are systems in place for consumers to do this, and it's important that these stories are heard by the right sets of ears so that change can happen. There's a useful consumer how-to guide about your rights and options on the ABC website here.

I'm broken, not just my heart

Jo3 — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 05:01:29 GMT

Hi Chris,

How will we have forum meet ups if we don't know which city/town other members are from? I would really love to meet Mares, Neil, Nes, Geoff, GA and others but don't know where they are from.

I think it will be a fantastic idea to meet up with forum members. I would fly interstate to meet some if I had to, because I have formed a bond with some of them and they mean a lot to me and have helped me a lot. Just to be together would be amazing.

I'm broken, not just my heart

Mares73 — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 06:27:17 GMT

Jo remember we worked out ACT is halfway from me & you to see Neil. Not sure of others but I'm like you-I'll fly to meetup if necessary. I'd be so excited, might be my first happiness in long time. Neil will be a bit nervous I think but we will just both hold his hand. I HAVE to meetup. This is like family. Love Mares xxx

I'm broken, not just my heart

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 06:52:43 GMT

I just wanted to say that forum meetups at the the roadshow would be brilliant, even if I am on the Western side fo the country from most of you.

Mares-

Anytime. You are a beautiful strong person. Never forget that or let anybody tell you different.

GA

I'm broken, not just my heart

Chris_B — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 23:57:13 GMT

Hi Jo,

While the community rules don't allow for sharing personally-identifying information, saying what city or town you live in is fine, and it is ok to use the forum to co-ordinate meetups informally at the bus, but we will also be organising a few events specifically for forum and blueVoices members (anyone reading, if you don't know what blueVoices is please check it out here).

Here is a link to the thread I posted with the tentative travelling schedule for the roadshow, feel free to use this as a discussion point for co-ordinating travel and meetups. As we get closer to each date, there will be more information about specifically where the bus will be and what is happening.