topic I just don't know what to do.... in Depression

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Thu, 12 Jun 2014 13:35:36 GMT

Ok, so here goes,

I recently moved to South Australia from QLD to be with my fiancé, I left my job, my unit, my family/friends, to be with him, in a country SA town, and I hate it here.

There's hardly any jobs going around here, believe me, I have tried finding one.

I just want to go back to QLD town where I came from, there's more jobs going there (around 770 on seek site alone) where here there's 47 on seek.

I'm getting more and more depressed being here, so much so, I sleep half the day, I don't look after myself properly (eating/showering etc) I spend most of the time crying. And my fiancé sees that I'm getting depressed. I've lost 11kgs since end of January.

I don't want to be without my fiancé, (we get married in Oct in QLD) I love him sooooo much, but I just can't stay here. I need my family/friends, my home town & to work full time, (i'll need to try to earn $ for a while before we have kids)

My fiancé has been here probably about 7 yrs, he's on a disability pension and is likely never to work. He is a home body, stays home most of the time, and his mum lives here. He has no friends here either.

He isn't keen on moving to QLD, But I know I can't be here much longer. I'm trying to convince him, and I think he may be opening up to the idea, of moving to QLD, and me working fulltime and sending him back to SA for visits. As it'd be so much easier for us to do that, then the reverse of sending me back from here (if I was working fulltime) as he doesn't work.

I know it'd be hard for him to move, but it just seems the most logical solution.

He's waiting for his mum to come back from holiday so he can talk to her, (as he doesn't have friends to discuss this with) I know he's scared of moving, he told me so.

I feel like I'm in limbo, I don't know whether he's going to commit to moving or not, and I'm worried that he's going to break up with me and we not get married.

Arghhhh my stomach is in knots

I just don't know what to do....

geoff — Thu, 12 Jun 2014 14:50:19 GMT

dear Charlsc, can I put a question to you which I hope that you will answer, why does he have to check with his mum, your his finance, and from what you have said seems to be logical to me, as he has no friends there, and on a DSP, so he has no ties there to hold him, not unless his mum has always lived there, but at some stage he will have branch out and with you only. L Geoff. x

I just don't know what to do....

Struggler — Thu, 12 Jun 2014 15:17:51 GMT

Hi Charlsc

Yes you do know what to do!

It is frustrating and worrying, isn't it? I think you already provided your own solution.

I live in an Adelaide suburb and there are not many jobs in Adelaide, let alone in SA country towns. For the last few years I worked in Qld. I Just finished my last contract job in Qld and now back in SA, unemployed. There are no jobs in my field here and I am 59! Both my two daughters had to go interstate for work but come back visit. South Australia has the highest unemployment rate on the mainland, a basket case but Queensland is going gangbusters.

There is no future here. Surely your future husband can see that. He will still keep his pension wherever he lives but for you, it's not so good because you don't have a job. You are going to be the bread winner and you just have to go where the jobs are. He'll be leaving his mum behind but that's unavoidable. Adult children leave behind parents because they have to make a living and a future. Parents should not hold them back.

His pension alone won't be enough to support a family, right? He can surely see that. He loves you very much and he wants to have a bright future with you. I have no doubt he will agree to go back to Qld with you. It is the only sensible move. You need not worry about that.

Losing 11 kg since January is alarming and your mental health suffers. It's no way to live. You will sink into a very deep depression if you don't make some changes soon.

Let us know how you get along and take care.

Struggler

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Thu, 12 Jun 2014 15:38:27 GMT

Hi Geoff, thanks for responding.

He needs someone else to talk it through with apart from me. (That's why he's going to talk to his mum)

also the house we're living in and paying rent in, was bought by his mum and step dad. If we did move, it would affect them. His mum and step dad have lived here longer than my fiancé, but not there whole lives, probably 12ish? Years I think.

He has a sister and dad who live 5 to 7 hrs away from here, and I've been here for nearly 5 months and we've seen them once in that time.

I just don't know what to do....

geoff — Thu, 12 Jun 2014 21:10:04 GMT

dear Charlsc, thanks for getting back to us.

Sorry another question, as I'm trying to form an idea on your situation.

Is his mum dependant on your rent money to survive for mortgage payments and/or food, because if she is going to miss these payments then I know what her answer will be based on, or more so what his step dad will have to say.

Has he been talking about the loss of payments for her, and perhaps she needs this rent money, and this is what I am worried about. L Geoff. x

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Thu, 12 Jun 2014 22:11:08 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Money is not an issue. His step dad is a GP here.

Sorry short and sweet, got appt soon.

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Thu, 12 Jun 2014 23:09:22 GMT

Thanks Struggler xo. I didn't see your message earlier. Will come back later and chat

I just don't know what to do....

Neil_1 — Fri, 13 Jun 2014 01:09:06 GMT

Dear Charlsc

I’m really sensing your despair about this situation – and wowee, that was a massive move of yours to take – especially to up and leave your job. Would there be any possibility that you could go back to the job that you were in?

I’m very much in Geoff’s corner on this (oh, and I’ve just seen Struggler’s post and she’s of the same opinion) – as it just seems to be a logical answer, with all that you’ve described – Qld is the only option. I think you’ve done amazingly well to last this long.

How much longer is it till his mum arrives back??

If he needs someone to talk too – for possible advice – hey, you could do a lot worse than to invite him to post on here – for him to put his version of the story on – about what he should do?

We’ll be very nice – but we would advise him, that Qld is the go.

And by the way, you’ve said that the wedding is going to be in Qld anyway – sounds very logical to me, that this is where you both should be living.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Sat, 14 Jun 2014 11:26:48 GMT

Unfortunately no, I wouldn't be able to go back to my job in Qld, was in education. 😞 I'd go back in a heartbeat though!

Not sure when his mum comes home. I was hoping it was this weekend.

I'm so glad that you guys see it as a logical solution.

I can't comprehend life without him!

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Sat, 14 Jun 2014 11:39:55 GMT

I also think us moving to QLD will also be beneficial to my fiancé, as my friends are there and we'd have times of getting out and socialising which doesn't happen here.

I just don't know what to do....

Neil_1 — Sun, 15 Jun 2014 03:04:32 GMT

Hi Charlsc

It's now Sunday arve as I write this - I'm gathering that there's been no sign of mum as yet?

How's the situation going at present? Still the same?

In your earlier post, you mentioned he isn't keen on moving to Qld. Has he indicated why? You've also mentioned that the wedding will be in Qld - and he's agreeable to that?

One last question - after the wedding - has there been talk for where you both shall lay down marital roots?

I sure hope that his mum comes home soon AND that she will see your side of things.

Keep posting Charlsc - we're concerned for you.

Kind regards

Neil

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Mon, 16 Jun 2014 06:57:02 GMT

OMG HE SAID HE'LL MOVE!!!!!!! he hasn't spoke to his mum yet, but WOOOHOOOOOOOOO. I'll prob move back after we're married and search for fulltime work. And he'll stay here and sort stuff out. So we could be apart for a few months maybe

I just don't know what to do....

Neil_1 — Mon, 16 Jun 2014 22:48:03 GMT

Dear Charlsc

Wowee, that is awesome Charlsc – you must be absolutely stoked. 🙂

I’m so pleased for you – I could feel the vibes of delight through your latest post.

May I ask now – what’s the immediate plan? You’ll stay where you are currently till the wedding, get married, then after a short while, you’ll head back to Qld to hunt down work and he’ll stay for a while and then meet up with you??

What month again is the wedding?

One last question – do you have a friend or relative in Qld who could be possibly on the hunt for potential jobs for you – just so you don’t have to start from scratch when you first move there??

But Charlsc, this is good news. I do hope you can get back to me, just so I can fully understand your situation.

Kind regards

Neil

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Tue, 17 Jun 2014 10:06:19 GMT

Hi Neil 🙂

Yeah the plan is to stay here till just after we're married. The wedding is in October.

I've got flights already booked for me to visit QLD for 3 wks in august and more flights for both of us at end of September just before the wedding. So it just makes sense to keep those plans.

Yeh my partner will stay here for a bit to organise the house etc, while I'm in QLD looking for work. I'll be staying with my dad for a bit. (lucky him.. lol)

Yep I have friends/family in QLD who are keeping their eyes open for jobs.

I am absolutely stoked!!

His mum still not home! I'll be even more relaxed when she finally knows our plans. Just hoping that she is supportive!!

Charlsc

I just don't know what to do....

Neil_1 — Wed, 18 Jun 2014 01:33:58 GMT

Dear Charlsc

This is so awesome to read Charlsc – I’m so pleased for you.

Now I hope that something positive can come through for you regarding a job for you.

Oh, you going and staying with your Dad for a while – I’m sure he’ll be delighted to have you there with him (at least I hope that’s how it’d be for you).

And look, if her son is happy, then his mum should be happy for you both as well. After all, she knew you were both getting married, didn’t she.

Kind regards

Neil

I just don't know what to do....

charliec — Sat, 28 Jun 2014 14:01:04 GMT

Fiance's mum came around yesterday morning. I was asleep, I heard her come in so I stayed in bed so that they could talk.

She came into my room just before she left. Said Andrew had spoken to her about things. She asked if it was because of her that I wasn't happy. I said No! of course not. She was crying. I told her that I'm not happy, I need ppl around me. I still love my fiancé and we're still getting married but for a while there I wasn't sure.

She just said you need to do what you need to do. She left. I went out to the lounge room to my fiancé, he looked like he was going to cry (he did) he said he knew it'd hurt her, but for me to be happy, he had to choose. I said I didn't want to force him to do something he didn't want to do. He said, "But I do" (want to move) he said his mum has always wanted grandkids around.

I said she can always visit. Months at a time if she wants. she also said to me that she had suspected for a while that I wasn't happy.

It's hard knowing she's upset, but I know I can't stay here.