topic Feeling ok & not ok in Depression

Feeling ok & not ok

Jo3 — Tue, 10 Jun 2014 03:07:32 GMT

Hey everyone

I really don't know what's going on. The last week I have been doing okay, keeping busy, housework, gardening, walking, coffee with hubby down the street, sessions at the hospital - things look like they're okay. But then I think okay if I am doing okay why aren't I much happier in my life. And how happy should I be?

So why do I feel so sad. I read a lot of people's issues on here and I feel really down. I wish there was something that I could do more for these friends. Reading about how much they are suffering, it makes me really sad. And I know we shouldn't take in others issues but it's too hard because I can relate to a lot of the posts on here.

I then thought before - so how long will my depression stay with me - will it stay with me forever and I will have good days and bad days. I guess the more work I do as in therapy the more I will feel better.

Feeling ok & not ok

CrashCoyote — Tue, 10 Jun 2014 06:54:23 GMT

Hi Jo,

Please try not to worry. Why don't you ask your therapist if this is how life looks now? As Jack Nicholson said in the famous movie, "What if this is as good as it gets?"

And please, don't worry about the rest of us. Life involves pain. No up without down, no hot without cold, no happy without sad. We are never meant to be happy ALL of the time but I think striving for as much of it as possible is worthwhile. When you are out in the cold, you aim to get somewhere warm. It is what you'd prefer. But you accept that being cold sometimes, even unexpectedly, happens.

The Buddhists believe that the cause of all suffering can be found in "the three poisons" of ignorance, desire and aversion. I am not a devotee of Buddhism but the concept is interesting. If you'd care to do an online search for "desire is the cause of suffering" lots of pages will come up on it.

And for the record, you do do something for everyone on here. We all do.

Kind regards, John.

Feeling ok & not ok

white knight — Tue, 10 Jun 2014 09:02:13 GMT

Hi Jo,

Good post by CC. I enjoy that input.

Jo, just posting here helps others. They read and many dont post, thousands would read, get out of it some relevance to their lives and never post their own situation.

I've probably posted here a picture that I'm one that has come through the "other side" as a successful person that has overcome mental illness. Nobody ever does "get over it". Just yesterday I had a down day. In the evening I wiped the slate clean and decided today was going to be much better, and it was.

Managing your good and bad days is the way. Acceptance of your ills is the way. Rejoicing those wonderful moments can compensate a fair bit for the sad times. Balance of the bad with the good, just so the scales move to and fro a bit : means success.

Grab a magnifying glass. Pick a flower. Look at colours, lines and the intricate parts of the petals. There are thousands of things I have never done in my life that I'm planning to do. This morning, after deciding my day was going to be a good one, I opened up our lounge room curtains and spotted a grey long necked heron in our dam. Took a picture. The first one I've ever taken of a bird in our dam. I knew today was going to be good.

Was it spiritual or did I will myself to have a good day or was it good luck. I doesnt matter.It was good, is all that matters. And when a bad day comes around? well I'll wait for a good one again....that's what you do with depression.

Feeling ok & not ok

Jo3 — Tue, 10 Jun 2014 10:06:59 GMT

Hi John

Thanks for your reply. I have looked at the way the Buddhists believe and their ways and I am fascinated. I will look up what you suggested.

I will try and not worry

Thanks again

Feeling ok & not ok

Jo3 — Tue, 10 Jun 2014 22:50:10 GMT

Hi WK

I get what you're saying totally. At the present moment I am doing OK, even though there are crap things around me happening, I am still OK.

You know this morning, I was awake lying in bed and all of a sudden I felt this huge sense of calmness, peaceful, quietness all over my body. It was the most weirdest thing that's ever happened. But it was nice, it was like my body went into a calm, very peaceful state of mind (hard to explain)

I thought OMG, this is so nice, this is peaceful. No negative thoughts, no crying, just lying there taking in all this calmness.

Today I am going to hospital for the outpatient programs this afternoon. Then after that my daughter and I are trying out yoga in my area. After doing yoga at the hospital I found that I am really enjoying it, the stretches, the meditation, the breathing, the relaxation - it is so nice afterwards.

WK - hope you're day is a good one also.

Take care

Feeling ok & not ok

Neil_1 — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 02:05:43 GMT

Hi Jo

I just wanted to chip in and say that it’s awesome to read about what you’ve been doing in the last week.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that you haven’t been as active on here over the last little while – which I’m taking to be a good thing. No news is good news, right?

John’s response was a ripper to you as well. Good days and bad days.

Someone I heard once said that their depression is like the weather. Sometimes it’ll be fine and sunny and that’ll be how they are. Other days it’s cloudy and that matches them – not bright and breezy, but not ultra crap. And then other days it’ll be cold, wet and windy and that’s another level of their depressive state.

An ok analogy I think.

Neil

Feeling ok & not ok

white knight — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 04:30:43 GMT

Hi Jo,

Just wanted to mention here that I am not religious nor follow any group, person or such. I pluck out of people things I find interesting or quotes/attitudes that can fuel my knowledge about life and its challenges.

Quotes from the Deli Lama, Maharaji (Prem Rawat), Winston Churchill and Ghandi are a few. And I make my own up from deep thinking episodes. All this helps me focus some more time on positive things, the more time I spend doing that the less time I'm spending on negative thoughts. This causes the balance to be more balanced.

Neil is right about depression being like the weather- a good analogy. I would have also thought we depressed people are like dodgem cars, hitting walls and other cars without warning.

Some of my quotes you might be interested in Jo,

"At an island called arrogance people stand under palm trees. If a coconut falls upon their heads....its always the coconuts fault"

""Your life includes you....but is not all about you"

"Some say it takes two to make a conflict....no it can just take one to be non negotiable"

"All of mans weapons, his muscle, his brawn and his might will never surpass the impact of a womans silence"

"I sit on a hilltop among ants, birds, rock wallabies and echindas...I wasnt alone after all.

"Giving to others is a pill I will always swallow. But with some it will need to be spat out"

"Only when one partner leave the relationship does the dice of the game lie idle"

"Some parents never grow up so for the other its a household of children"

"One never wins an arguement with arms crossed"

"Financial security can be measured with luck, financial success can be measured with hard work"

"Even grumpy old trees need water and care"

"If a child has a forgiving parent she has everything. If the child makes no effort she has nothing"

A parent can lift a child but sometimes the child must left their arms first"

"Stubborn people never acknowledge they are. Stubborn families know no other way."

"If you want me to carry you then learn to collapse"

"Fatherhood.....my ex wife can never replace it, my children can never erase it and I can never abandon it"

"My dog can sense evil in a passer by.....a slight woof....I need to learn how to woof a bit"

"The fresh air kiss.....is showing love to only the atmosphere of your personal space"

So Jo, Mood comes and goes and it can be annoying. But as you retrieve some control on your life the downers become less frequent and more tolerable. From unbearable to managed, devastating to acceptable..

Feeling ok & not ok

Mares73 — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 06:23:19 GMT

Dear Jo I've been thinking of you & hoping your of as you haven't been posting as much. Gosh you deserved to finally experience a bit of calmness in yourself so I'm so glad that happened. It also gives you an idea of how you & your life could be so different if & when you've worked through some of your major hurdles. That's a huge thing Jo to have experienced positive feelings. I'm so relieved that your of. You know you are such a core member of this forum & are cared about very much. I hope you know that & I send you a big hug & lots of love. Mary xxx

Feeling ok & not ok

Jo3 — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 07:51:30 GMT

Hi WK, John, Neil & Mary(Mares)

Thanks guys for your support, I really appreciate it. Yeah, you know the past week I have been not too bad. I still have had crap hours or day but overall I've been better. Boy this sounds soooo good.

I had two sessions at the hospital today - one was goal setting and decluttering and the other was CBT - how to accept your emotion and what to do with it.

It was nice being there again today with great support.

I am only going to take one day at a time from now on.

WK - thanks for those quotes.

John - enjoy your holiday - will miss you.

Neil - yes, yes and yes - emotions are just like the weather - great analogy!!

Mary - thanks for thinking of me at your time of pain. I haven't been on here as much, because I guess - I am coping. I hope this feeling lasts forever, or for a little while at least.

Take care everyone

Jo xxx

Feeling ok & not ok

Neil_1 — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 08:28:17 GMT

Hey there Jo

Wowee, I read your latest post - and then I read it again.

I had goose bumps when you said about the calmness coming over your body and just lying there - feeling no kinds of bad thoughts. It must have been an incredible feeling. Boy that made me so pleased to read that from you.

And Jo - whatever it is you're doing of late, please keep doing it. I can really sense a change happening in you - through your posts.

I also liked WK's post (ps: how did you fit that many characters in and still come under the 2,500?) 😉 😉 But also his ending where he said: as you retrieve some control in your life, the downers will become less frequent and more tolerable.

That's a great goal to work towards also.

This is fast becoming a "feel-good" thread and you know what - THAT'S DAMN AWESOME! 🙂 🙂

Neil

Feeling ok & not ok

Jo3 — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 09:15:04 GMT

Hi Neil,

That is so nice of you to say this to me, thank you.

I was quite surprised by this "feeling" this morning but happy. Not that I'm knocking it, I am just amazed at this feeling, I can still remember the feeling. I have noticed that even the weekend just gone, I was busy doing stuff around the house and outside that I would never have done a few months ago.

Maybe my "old Jo" is coming back, god that is scary!!!

It means a lot to me that you are proud and happy of me because my husband doesn't praise me at all. Actually no one does, except the wonderful friends on here, my GP, psych and staff at the hospital.

So, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your reply.

Your friend

ps,. even though I am not on here often, I am not going anywhere!!!

Feeling ok & not ok

white knight — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 10:30:42 GMT

Hi Jo

We all here are ecstatic, after reading the most significant post yet fro you Jo. To start to be relaxed and doing yoga.

You are progressing. We love you. I've never loved someone I've never seen lol. hope you arent a grumpy old bloke called Joseph lol.

Feeling ok & not ok

Jo3 — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 11:16:12 GMT

Hey WK

Oh you are making me laugh so much!!! Imagine if I tricked you all and told you I was named Joseph!! No only joking, I am definitely a female named Jo LOL

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, it means so much to me that you and others are happy for me because you know what - no one else is. I don't think my husband has ever told me that he is proud of me especially over the past week.

But I don't care because I have changed and I am doing okay at the moment. And to me that is a huge positive, a change in the right direction.

I have tears because growing up my parents never ever told me they love me, even now they still don't. And that hurts. But from someone like you, that I have never met, wow I am taken back, I am blown away by the beautiful people I have met on here,

It breaks my heart because I would really love to meet you and everyone and give you all a massive hug to say thank you. Thank you each and everyone of you for pushing me along, for standing by me and not leaving me when I was down and dumped by my parents, And for believing that I could make an improvement. I can't believe I am saying this word "improvement" wow where did that come from!!!

But I know that's not possible, so I am sending everyone A HUGE HUG, TO ALL MY BEAUTIFUL SPECIAL PEOPLE - LOVE JO xxxx

Feeling ok & not ok

vip — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 19:35:30 GMT

Hello my friend Jo im baaaaacckkkk haha I was connected to facebook for a while which is totally not me so never ever again I much prefer chatting to everyone here. Hope you are travelling ok. Look I know I get those good and bad days all the time thankfully more good then bad and you will be happy to know ive lost more weight and I am going back to my old self I look in the mirror and that transformation in itself is emotional . The days of looking attractive and feeling good about myself and finally getting noticed is nice too but im a good girl so getting noticed here is not the key the key is a healthy body is a healthy mind so im really addicted to my local gym and all the beautiful people in there im meeting. Jo stick with the therapy no matter how long it takes and seek all the professional help this is the only way you will get better. Sometimes chatting to friends and family is not enough and this stuff is quite heavy as you and I both know. Take care my friend xx

Feeling ok & not ok

Jo3 — Sun, 15 Jun 2014 01:52:25 GMT

Hi guys

Well I thought that "good" feeling would last a long time - but it hasn't and I feel like I have failed, feel like I've done something wrong to go back downhill; to go backwards.

Last night we had a get together with a few close friends for my husband's 50th birthday which was a month ago. Friends bought food to share which was nice, I didn't have to buy much. Then we got the playstation out with singstar. We put on all the 80's music on DVD and two people sing while the words on the tv and your singing gets scored - highest score for singing that song wins. So after a few glasses of wine my friend and I decided to sing Abba - dancing queen (our favourite) and boy did we think we were Abba!!! I hadn't laughed so much like that for a long time. It was a good night.

But this is where today the crap, low mood, dark thoughts are coming in and I can't understand how last night I had a good time and today is the opposite. Don't want to see anyone today, talk to anyone just want to slip away someone on my own and eat and drink.

Did I use all my "happy mask" too much last night and now I have collapsed in a heap of depression?? Or is it my fake mask again, I just don't get it.

And it's frustration, so damn frustration and I get angry with myself for going from one extreme to the other.

Last night I was having self harming thoughts, only for a split second but they were there.

I just don't understand myself anymore.

Feeling ok & not ok

CrashCoyote — Sun, 15 Jun 2014 09:41:30 GMT

xxx

Feeling ok & not ok

--Danny-- — Sun, 15 Jun 2014 09:48:26 GMT

Hi jo, if u feel like a chat I'm up for one:-)

Feeling ok & not ok

Jo3 — Sun, 15 Jun 2014 09:55:52 GMT

Hi Danny

I am not feeling too great today, can't work myself out how I can be so happy last night and today i feel so crap, i don't want to do anything.

Feeling ok & not ok

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 15 Jun 2014 10:34:38 GMT

Hi Jo,

Good to hear you did have a good night the other night. As for the crash the next morning, there are a few explanations.

One is the alcohol. While whether ornot to drink alcohol is a choice we all decide on, depending on meds and what the night entails, I have heard that wine is espcially for the depressive crash afterwards. I enjoy wine myself, and had a few drinks of cider the other night, with no crash afterwards. Much like everything else, alcohol affects different people differently though.

Two is the general brain chemistry lotterywe play every morning when we wake up every morning. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose and the day is full of darkness for no absolute good reason. I don't have an answer as to how to fix that one, even on meds sometimes our heads just plunge into darker areas.

Third is that you expended alot of energy the night before, mask or not, and so the next day had a sort of happiness hangover. I had that once after a good n7ght in the hospital. I went from dancing and singing one night, free from the black cloud for a few hours with my new friend, to the next day just feeling pale and melancholy. Like nothing could have been as good as the night before.

I guess we always do that to ourselves though don't we? Tell ourselves things were better or worse than they were. Tell ourselves that things won't be like that again. The important thing to remember is that our mind lies to us, depression lies to us, tells us things won't ever change when they can. Depression beats us down so we can't listen to any other voice but its voice.

I also understand the frustration, fhe want to be stable and consistent, even if it is a low consistent. Better than mood swings right? I worry for you Jo. I hope you can fight of these thoughts, and if you can't please post to us here, or ring BB. Self harm is not a good place to be. I speak from experience.

I come before you, not as a role model but as a warning sign as what not to do with your life.

Feeling ok & not ok

CrashCoyote — Sun, 15 Jun 2014 13:05:40 GMT

Hi Jo (and everyone else),

I like your new avatar. Jo, you post (on average) about five time a day which is a lot of good stuff for everyone else on here that you are helping.

I just wanted to write tonight to indulge myself and maybe remind you that there is no rhyme or reason to depression. I notice that only three hours ago I was sending you some kisses as support. Now I am listening to some of my favourite music, my son has gone to bed, I've had a few ouzo and cokes (not necessarily a good thing) but generally everything is right with the world.

And all I can think about is my daughter Jessica. She is the one that died aged eight weeks all of sixteen years ago. Most days I don't even think about her and the other days I try to smile when I do. (She was terribly gorgeous.) Today isn't one of those days. Why isn't my princess here to be a pain in the butt teenage daughter? I am no religious zealot but I am not a bad man. Why was she taken so young? Not only do so many family members hurt because of that, but she never got to grow up, learn to speak, fall in love, be a wife, a mother, a part of our world.

In this haze of pain, and let me assure you Jo, it feels like my heart is being physically squeezed, I just want you to know that nothing special has happened to change my mood from okay (or even happy) to miserable. It is how it is. The wheel will turn, for both you and I.

Kind regards,

John.