topic Do not know how this works, but need support! in Depression

Do not know how this works, but need support!

ponde — Sun, 11 Jan 2015 11:23:21 GMT

It's very strange when you realise that you are actually really alone. You can be lucky enough to have friends and people and family around you, but really when it comes down to it, you are alone. Maybe it is because I don't have children of my own. I think many people survive losing a partner , or separations because they have to keep going for their kids. I lost my husband to suicide. Lost my dad to cancer and now had a messy break up because I jumped in to needing a bloke too soon after being widowed. Stupid. I look back now and realise how stupid. But how vulnerable to doing it again. I am a bloody strong woman in so many ways, and so pathetic in others. I seriously am driving myself nuts. I chose not to have children. I am ok with that decision. But it does make me wonder what purpose I am on this earth for. Really, why am I here? I keep thinking I have something to offer, something to contribute to the world. Even braiding my nieces hair, and painting their nails is something worthwhile. Would anyone miss me if i was gone. Maybe for a few minutes, but, life would go on, and I too would be another blip in life. Friends say they will help, and they do the best they can. But when it comes down to it, it's all only up to me. To live or die. To get on with it or not. No one is going to come in here on a white horse and fix it all up for me. Gosh I wish they would. But basing that on my past history, they would be completely bonkers and ending up making my life worse. So why can't I just get up and get on with it? I am so disappointed with myself. Either get up and get on with it with confidence and vigour or give up. And even this self pitying drivel of my own is just not right, so many people are in terrible situations and much worse off than me. I didn't want to be my own pity party!

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Do not know how this works, but need support!

JessF — Mon, 19 Jan 2015 00:22:23 GMT

You know ponde I know this feeling very well. I have gotten to a later stage in life and I am alone, I do not have a husband or a partner. I don't have children, and it's too late for me to think about that. Have I gone through times when I've gotten very low and thought, would anyone miss me? Yes I have.

What did I do to get out of that? Well, first I had to realise that in order to get any happiness out of life I had to stop basing my happiness using other people as a gauge.

Thinking about life in terms of 'would other people miss me' really means that we think others have to see or care or care about who we are or what we do in order to have a fulfilling life, and if we think in these terms we will never be satisfied, not only because it is impossible to please other people all of the time, but because we can never truly know what other people think of us. And we have no control over it.

Like you say, you know it is up to you. And when it all seems too overwhelming, give the big picture a rest for a bit and just think about the next brush stroke. What are you doing for the next few minutes, till lunchtime, till dinner? Sometimes that's what it takes to get through.

Do not know how this works, but need support!

CrashCoyote — Mon, 19 Jan 2015 04:37:51 GMT

Hi ponde,

I do not think parenting is for everyone. I am of Mediterranean background and always hear people of similar background asking young women when are they going to get married? Have children? I say to myself, "How about respecting their right to choose?"

I am a dad and a grand dad. It was a lifestyle choice and I wanted it, but it does not mean that those that do not procreate do not serve society in their own way, and certainly the family unit.

You have raised a very big philosophical question and I think there is no right answer. Personally, I believe that we live on after death only in the memory of others. It is what we do in life that creates those memories. It is probably of no importance to Doctor Victor Chang's family that I remember him as a person (I did not know him) but it is because of his life saving and pioneering surgery that I learnt of him. It is important, I think, that I remember all my grandparents and other family members that have passed, so that I can speak of them to my children. My grandparents have all been dead for over a decade, some longer, yet I still think and talk of them. JFK died before I was born and I talk of him! When I am gone, I will live only in the memories of my loved ones. (I am no-one special.)

I am sure you have done and will continue to do many things in your life that will create memories for others. I hope you can see that doing that is important.

My condolences on the loss of your dad and your husband.

Kind regards, John.

Do not know how this works, but need support!

ponde — Mon, 19 Jan 2015 12:44:50 GMT

Thank you for your replies. I realised in the last fortnight that I have only been single for 2 years out of 22 years. I am ok with that, and ok with being on my own now, it's just such a massive readjustment. A lot to get ones head around, let alone get used to. Would I, should I have done things differently? Probably not.

So now is the time to try to find my own place in the world. It's hard, but nowhere near as hard as what others have and are going through. What a strange life it is.

i have just got to the stage where I can talk about my dad without falling apart, he was such a wonderful,man and I miss him so much. I would like to follow in his footsteps and be as kind and philosophical human as he was. So here is my first go at it, reaching out, and asking for help, so I can be the best sister and daughter and aunty and friend.

i am sure I shohld be striving for more than that, but one day at a time.

Again, thank you.

Do not know how this works, but need support!

White_Rose — Tue, 20 Jan 2015 00:17:22 GMT

Dear Ponde

I am amazed that you have reached your conclusion at such a young age. I have spent many years expecting to find my fulfilment through others, husband, children, friends, work etc. It's only since I began to emerge from my depression that it has finally dawned on my that I must make my own life, believe in myself rather than living to other people's standards. It has been a long and scary journey.

So yes, being comfortable in my own skin is my goal. I absolutely agree with JessF. I have asked myself who would miss me and come to the conclusion that it's not many and not for long. So now, for me, the answer is to create my own happiness and my own life. I don't mean this in a selfish way, but being dependent on others.

Reards

Mary