topic UPDATED: Hating every minute in Depression

UPDATED: Hating every minute

Quivz — Wed, 29 Jan 2014 07:00:26 GMT

I've got no money, no job, no real friends who i can talk to about anything more serious than TV shows, am 31 living with my parents, no car, disfiguring psoriasis and a back problem that makes it impossible to stand or sit for anything longer an hour or two. I definitely have the problem of not being able to recall having felt positive about anything in years. All my friends have settled down and got married so i never see anyone anymore and I'm bored and lonely. I'm not suicidal, but i think that's only because i know what it would do to my mum.

I've tried to get professional help, but with no money i've just been run around the public system from incompetent to no english (or both) until I'd used all my free sessions and haven't even been diagnosed yet. Well i was once, but he was one of the incompetents. He was so computer illiterate he typed with only his index fingers at around 5 words a minute. He spent most of the session typing (that slowly) what i was saying into a translator, because he couldn't understand any of the words over 3 syllables i was using (I'm a uni graduate and tend to articulate using precise language), said i was definitely suffering from depression and then totally failed to save any of the documentation onto my medical records. I found this out because he told me to go back and see my GP about seeing a specialist as it wouldn't be covered if it wasn't the GP that wrote the recommendation. The GP told me i have to see a psychiatrist and be assessed first before he could make that kind of recommendation and was extremely unhelpful when i explained that the psychiatrist had sent me to him. I think he thought i was just trying to get drugs. And that was the best of all the free psychologists and psychiatrists i was able to see.

I've been unemployed for ages and have no references i have been able to make contact with. I cant work in any form of customer service because having to deal with strangers all the time drives me crazy enough that i would rather make myself sick than go to work (i eat off food, or have nothing but dairy for days so that i get ill. I don't know if that counts as self harm, but if it does then i do that rather than deal with people constantly). And even non-customer service jobs where i have to talk to colleagues all the time makes me feel this way too (social anxiety/introversion?).

I don't know what to do to stop feeling so helpless. I can't even see the same GP twice in a row cos i dont have a family doctor or anything like that, just a centre where there are doctors and the first one free sees you and they never want to deal with anything more complex than a sick certificate. they wont do anything about my back except recommend a physio at $65 a session which i cant afford. My psoriasis is slowly taking over my face so nobody who doesn't already know me wants to talk to me so i cant meet anyone new. My parents are the sort of people who think mental illness is an excuse to be slack or to take drugs and tell me at least once a week that I'm slack or useless cos i cant find work.

I truly feel like I've been backed into a corner from every direction at once. I've tried to deal with things one at a time, but life just wont let me as the other problems demand attention before i can make any headway and i just end up feeling smothered again. Please tell me how i can help myself?

UPDATED: Hating every minute

Neil_1 — Wed, 29 Jan 2014 22:37:26 GMT

Hi quivz

Thank you for coming to Beyond Blue and sending your post and wow, it has been a difficult time for you for so long.

The first thing that I would like to offer/suggest is to see if we can’t get you to see a decent GP. I think this is a critically important thing for you. Someone who you can see on a regular basis … someone who you feel comfortable with and someone who will take the time to provide with the support that you so desperately need. On this website, there are lists of GP’s who specialise in providing specific mental health illness support and care.

You should be able to do a search and locate a GP (as recommended by Beyond Blue) in your local area. I don’t know if you’ve tried this before, but I hope this assists. It does sound like you really need the appropriate professional help to get you started on a bit of a positive path forward.

That is so unfortunate that your parents are not supportive of you … do you have any siblings who you could possibly turn to at this time?

I know I haven’t offered a real lot here for you Quivz, but I hope that the Beyond Blue GP recommendation might prove to be beneficial to you. I also do hope that some of the other wonderful people on this site might come along and provide you with some advice as well.

Kind regards

Neil

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Quivz — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 11:00:35 GMT

Thanks Neil... I didn't know about about the GP search. I will definitely do that.

I do have a sister who has problems. In fact she's attempted suicide before, but i dont feel comfortable talking to her about this. I don't know why, but she hasn't felt comfortable talking to me about it either. Probably our parents influence i guess. I know its wrong to be so ashamed about it, but its uncomfortable.

UPDATED: Hating every minute

MaryG — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 22:08:45 GMT

Hi Quivz,

sorry to hear you are really struggling and finding it impossible to get the help and support that you need. I agree with Neil and think that a good GP will really help you to get started. It is so hard with medical centre one off visits. I had a similar experience with an illiterate doctor who did take me seriously, but gave me a referral to a psychologist that he pretty much googled on the spot. The referral was so full of errors that I tore it up and threw it away. A lot of medical centres are able to give you an appointment to a particular doctor so if there was anyone there that you felt any rapport with at all then maybe you could make an appointment with them.

You say that you have some friends but you don't really see them any more. Was there anyone there that you used to be close to that you could call for a coffee or a chat? Their circumstances might have changed but that doesn't mean that they don't care about you.

And then there is this site. There are a lot of people here who will listen and support and offer advice and even laugh with you. So please keep posting and share what you are going through and we will try to help.

Take care

Mary.

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Neil_1 — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 01:29:22 GMT

Hi Quivz

I’m really pleased that I was able to provide some advice to you regarding the GP’s on this website. I hope that you can find who will be able to assist you – and provide advice and guidance beyond that.

Quivz, you can talk or post here all that you like … because everyone who comes here is supported, cared for, given advice, assistance and I’ll say it again, supported all the way. It’s a site where the words “ashamed”, “shame”, “uncomfortable”, “weak”, “sorry”, etc are all the nasty words and quite often we hope that they are left at the door before you enter this site. Why? Because no-one who is suffering from this awful illness should ever have to deal with any of those words – I do know that they are just words – but on the outside they can have damaging effects – but here they are not welcome. 🙂 I hope that came across ok … I knew what I was trying to get across, I hope my point was understood?

I hope that your sister is getting some professional treatment also? If you feel ok to do so, perhaps you could steer her to this site? But that’s only a thought I had … I’m not in any way wishing to push or go beyond boundaries here.

Quivz, we’ll have your back here 100% … and you can feel confident that you’ll be supported in any way that we can. And would also love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

UPDATED: Hating every minute

Quivz — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 02:34:37 GMT

So i've looked everywhere and the only place that bulk bills IS the crappy centre i've been going to. I don't know what to do now... I might just have to go back and keep trying until i get a doctor who will refer me to someone less incompetent. Unless you guys here have any other suggestions. I suppose i could also expand my search to longer bus rides, but the last doctors surgery i tried was pretty sure that the place i've been going is the only one this side of the city that bulk bills. So 1 hour or more bus ride may improve my chances, but she (the receptionist) doubts it. She was sympathetic, apparently its a common question they get and they have to turn people away all the time.

UPDATED: Hating every minute

Neil_1 — Wed, 12 Mar 2014 03:21:58 GMT

Hi Quivz

I’m really sorry to hear how this has finished up for you at the current time. Totally not satisfactory, but I’m guessing you already know that.

Dear valued members of Beyond Blue – is there someone out there who might be able to come up with a possible option/or solution to help Quivz out with regard to bulk billing or at the very least, cheaper options for qualified professional support?? I know there are kind folk out there who know, because I’m simply of no use to Quivz in this situation and for that Quivz, I’m sorry.

But I hope some kind soul will be along to rescue you with some proper advice shortly.

Kind regards

Neil

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scorch — Wed, 12 Mar 2014 03:25:16 GMT

Hi Quivz, I don't know if this goes against the anonymity rules of BB, but I'll ask away. What city do you live in? I used to live on the outskirts of Melbourne and there were some good centers nearby with decent docs. If you are anywhere near the area I could point you to a good place. It might mean a train ride though.

I used to get charged the normal cost of a GP - but after a few visits I had an appointment with a great doc who realised I couldn't really afford to keep coming - so he decided to bulk bill even though the clinic didn't usually do it. This was for a physical condition, not my depression, so I don't know if that would have made a difference or not... all I know is he was a pretty good guy.

I wonder if you'd be able to find a doctor like that, it's usually up to the doc's discretion if they bulk bill or not - so maybe if you talked to an actual doctor you might make more headway then just talking to the receptionist. I ended up being referred to receive ongoing treatment at the women's hospital in Melbourne with scans at an outside lab every second day, bulked billed at the doctor's requests so I didn't have to pay for anything other than medication. (Although, to be fair, I had to use a lot of medication)

If you find an understanding doctor, they can make things happen for you. Sometimes it just takes some explanation and patience... I think you have just had an awful selection of docs to choose from. Hopefully you find someone soon xox

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Quivz — Sun, 23 Mar 2014 17:08:30 GMT

So i convinced my mum to loan me the money to see a gp at the practice she goes to. Not the same doctor as her though. i told her my psoriasis is getting worse and I'm not getting the help i need at the centre (kinda true too, but not my focus at the moment), and she relented. I'm getting a bit anxious about the whole thing though. I'm not looking forward to having to tell my whole story again and then explain how poor i am and how i need help within my meager means.

At least I'm stepping forward again finally. I cant keep going round and round getting nowhere. I cant keep lying to centrelink about looking for jobs, cos I'm too damn scared that if i apply for something i might actually get it and start the spiral again.

I want so badly to be employed and at the same time, every time i'm on the crux of applying for something i have a good shot at i back out of it, because i just know i wont last a fortnight before i'm calling in sick 3-4 days a week and trying to find new ways to fool the GP into giving me the certificate. A decent doctor probably would have commented on all the sick certificates on my medical record. Just goes to show how much the doctors at the centre are concentrating on throughput rather than quality of care. In the last 3ears i've been employed for around 4 months and I've been "sick" off work for 2 1/2 months of that 4. I quit each time pointing out that i'm trying to be reliable, but i'm just not capable at the moment. i know I'm a good worker because all 3 jobs contacted me shortly thereafter to see if i'd reconsider and come back to work for them.

Anyway, can't sleep again, because thoughts of how messed up everything is and what the doctors going to be like Thursday wont stop running around my head. maybe duymping some of it out here will let me get to sleep.

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geoff — Sun, 23 Mar 2014 19:15:55 GMT

dear Quivz, sorry I have missed your post because you needed more support, although Neil, MaryG and Scorch have been providing this for you which is terrific.

Forgive me if I am incorrect, but to me it seems as though your psoriasis is creating a large amount of your depression and then your fear of work, plus the lack of psych's who actually bulk bill.

My psychologist would also bulk bill here in Moe Gippsland, but she has now left and moved to a country town by the beach, so I am wondering whether you are able to explain to any psych if they do bulk bill, although I know that some psychiatrists do bulk bill, so this means having to ring around where you are, or even an hour away, which is really a pain, but you can ask any counselling centre if they know of some centre where they do bulk bill.

What I am concerned about is that the doctor who you finally see on a continual basis whether they would be able to give you a certificate detailing that you have depression and are unable to work for a certain amount of time, then take this into centrelink, only because with all your sick leave you are unable to work, this then may work, or maybe not, but it's worth a try.

It's a problem not only for yourself but also for many others as well, so it's a catch-22 situation, or you could ring web chat on the above number. Geoff.

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Quivz — Tue, 15 Apr 2014 02:12:02 GMT

So i got in to see a GP. I'm on a mental health plan and I've been on an antidepressant for 2 and a half weeks now. Don't really feel any better yet, but He said it might take longer. I haven't seen a psychologist yet though so maybe that will help me. I still feel I'm not ready to work yet, but i don't know how to approach this problem. Centrelink is not going to accept me saying I'm not capable of working because i have anxiety issues. So for now I'm still lying to my job coach pretending I'm looking for work when I'm really not, but i think she's on to me. She's trying to put me forward for kitchen work, but if i do that, i know that kitchens are extremely social places and i wont be able to handle it for long unless these meds are really good.

So for now I'm continuing with the medication and going to see the GP again next week and waiting for a psychologist. Hopefully i will be able to manage a job if they force me into one. I certainly don't feel l ike i could just now.

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White_Rose — Tue, 15 Apr 2014 04:28:14 GMT

Dear Quivz

I notice in your posts that you make a number of assumptions about what other people and organisations will do. Now Centrelink will give disability pensions to clients. They may be short term until you get back on your feet but they are available.

Your doctor or psychologist/psychiatrist when you get one, will be able to complete the paperwork. Lying to Centrelink is adding to your stress and although I understand your reasons, in the long term it will come back to bite you. Do I sound like your Grandma? Probably, but then I am a Grandma.

Talk to the GP about costs. As someone else has said, it is up to the discretion of the GP to bulk bill. The surgery I attend has a policy of not bulk billing but do so in certain circumstances. The receptionist cannot tell you that a doctor will bulk bill because it's not their call. You must raise this directly with the GP, however difficult it is. Look at it as another forward step in your journey.

I'm glad your GP has started the process of your recovery. If you are on a mental health plan then surely you must be eligible for the 12 free psych consultations. Once you are working with a psych you get on well with you can raise the question of cost.

You are correct about the time it takes for antidepressants to kick in. I believe it can be up to six weeks. However, please tell your doctor if you have any side effects. Different AD have different effects on people so you need to monitor what is happening in order to get the most effective medication. (Grandma again).

Talk to your GP about work if you cannot get to see a psych soon. The sooner you can sort out this problem and relieve some stress the better life will be for you.

I wish there was some way I could help with the communication problem with your parents. Can you print off some of the literature on BB "leave it lying around" for them to read. It may help. Go to the heading at the top of the page and explore what's available.

Write in soon. We are all anxious to find out how you are going.

White Rose

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Quivz — Tue, 15 Apr 2014 20:10:32 GMT

Actually the GP is bulk billing me. As you said it's his choice and even though its not the policy of the practice he's doing it for me anyway.

The AD is making me drowsy. I'm sleeping for 12 hours or more most days since i started.

Yes the psychologist will be free on the mental health plan, but it may take a while for me to move to the front of the queue.

I've been referred to a specialist by the GP for my psoriasis too, but that's also likely to take a long time.6 - 12 months long time in fact. My psoriasis doesn't cause me any conscious worry. It might be subconsciously though. Mostly i'm trying to get rid of it or bring it under control because i think it hampers my chances with the ladies. I guess i didn't realise that i was missing that so much until i started hanging out with friends more and it didn't alleviate as much of my loneliness as i'd hoped.

First thing I'm doing when i'm gainfully employed, getting private health cover.

Well my parents know. My sister accidentally let it slip They haven't said anything direct about it, but they seem less negative around me recently. Maybe after seeing my sister become really successful after getting professional help they are starting to get it. I'm waiting for the right time to discuss it with them. Maybe today.

Overall i'm not "hating every minute" any more. I think finally taking some positive steps has alleviated some of the stress. I'm far from happy, but I'm... Better. Better than i was.

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White_Rose — Tue, 15 Apr 2014 23:01:00 GMT

Dear Quivz

It's great to hear that you feel so much better. If you have not had an opportunity to read the BB publications on depression and anxiety it may be useful to look at them before talking to your parents.

I am so pleased you have taken these positive steps. It is a pity that you cannot get to see a psychologist more quickly but I guess that's life.

I am also pleased for you that your parents seem a little more receptive to you and your difficulties. It is hard to feel that you are the odd person with all the stereotypical assumptions.

You sound more positive about getting a job. I agree with you about the private medical insurance, although that will not help you with costs to see private medical specialists such as a dermatologist. Gap fees can be high. However, when you are working it will be easier to meet these costs.

Life has really picked up for you since you first posted. That's terrific! Also good that you are getting out with your friends. Looking better all the time.

Keep us posted with your progress. It's always wonderful to hear of a success story.

Regards

White Rose

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Neil_1 — Wed, 16 Apr 2014 01:17:10 GMT

Hi Quivz

Can I just chip in to say that the progress you’ve made since you first posted has been fantastic. Your latest post shows lots of positiveness out of it – and I’m so pleased that you’ve got the professional help now happening on a regular basis – plus you’ve been supported here by some really wonderful people supplying great comments and advice to you.

If the AD continues to be making you drowsy throughout the day, it might well be worth bringing that up with your GP.

“Not hating every minute” is a massive advance from where you were – and as you say, you’re still far from happy and that’s totally ok and understandable – but it’s the little progressions, the little positive steps that you’ve made that are what you need to be dwelling on.

I do hope that you can stay here as long as you feel ok to do so and to keep us posted with how you’re going – and please remember, that we are always here – so if you ever need to vent or whatever, please do so.

Kind regards

Neil

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Quivz — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 23:55:28 GMT

So it's been a while since i updated, things had been going better. however recently i've had more issues which are making it difficult again. I've basically realised that i have 1 decent friend left. i have a couple of people i hang out with, but i cant really talk to them about anything. And the only person i can talk to i only see once a fortnight at best and only if he feels like a drink. Recently i've seen a dermatologist about my psoriasis and i'm going on a new medication that means i cant drink. So now i have no excuse to catch up with my one sounding board and have no social life whatsoever. I'm still unemployed and struggling to come to terms with why its so hard for me (although social anxiety seems to be the likely contender). Having been seeing a psychologist i was hoping to start making progress only to have her call me and inform me she is moving practice and I'll have to start again with a new psychologist. In adition to the no drinking of my new medication, i have to be careful about my cholesterol. To that end i had some blood tests done and lo and behold i have cholesterol problems, so now i have to watch what i eat too. So now i cant even eat the food i like anymore... So no drinking (i'm not a big drinker, but it was the only chance i had to meet to people and as i've said I'd have liked to have met someone), no junk food, no friends, no psychologist (or at least no progress), no job, no money, no car, no girlfriend, no home (living with my parents is getting worse and worse, the longer i stay here the more they treat me like a child again)... Right now i'm just witing to be diagnosed with cancer...

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Neil_1 — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 04:36:26 GMT

Hi Quivz;

Always a difficult thing I find when a former poster comes back. I'm caught between wanting to give them a big welcome back - AND - saying something along the lines of, that because you're back that's more than likely cause you're not in a good place.

So I'll just say, "Hi Quivz" - oh damn, I've already said that!!

This friend that you are able to see when he wants to have a drink? Is it possible for you to maybe have a lunch with him; or perhaps like a late arve get together; ok, so you've said you can't have a drink, but he should be able too. Would that be an option?

Have you been on your new medication for your psoriasis long now? Is that for just making it more bareable to cope with? Am I correct in saying that at this stage, there's no real cure for it??

So obviously where your psychologist is moving too, that is not an option for you to follow?? I really feel for you there also, because if you found someone you were getting along with and felt you were making good progress with, for them to up and leave, that just doesn't seem fair. Out of this though, is that particular psych able to recommend someone to you?? If so, they may be able to give them some of your history/background (if you feel ok for that to happen, so it won't be them coming to see you without any knowledge). A kind of hand-over scenario here could be something that might work for you?? Just a thought, but I hope that might be an option?

With your cholesterol being checked up, I know it probably doesn't sound like it, but that is a very good thing for you. At least they're on top of this for you - and to get it sorted out now, nice and early on so it doesn't become a massive issue for you further down the track. And if you eat predominately healthy and clean, that's not to say you can't have a kind of treat or cheat meal every now and then; surely?

I guess the home situation for you is certainly not one that is helping you. I'm really not quite sure on how we can do something in regard to this.

I hope that I've been able to say something that may help.

Thanx again for coming back here and I do hope you can post again soon.

Neil

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Quivz — Fri, 27 Jun 2014 12:41:35 GMT

This one mate is only one i do anything i would consider social with. He lives quite far away and i have no transport so i have to wait for him to come to me. this is never any time other than when the only option is the pub. Its hard enough for me to put myself in a public situation, i cant imagine myself doing it at all if i can't drink. I don't drink to get drunk, but there's the camaraderie that comes with sharing a pint that you just don't get if one of you isn't drinking.

I'm just about to start the medication. There are no cures, but as long as i take it it will alleviate my symptoms. I only moved from topical treatments to this systemic one because the topicals are becoming less and less effective for me and i have to do something.

I can't keep the same psychologist. At the practice she moved to she is only referred patients by the doctor at that hospital. I tried to see if there was a way to keep seeing her, but its not possible. To be honest while i thought she was good , because she wasn't as awful as the others i have tried in the past, i haven't actually made any progress that i can see. I still don't know why i struggle with working and applying for work, but i still can't do either properly. Even if there is a sort of handover I'm beginning to get a bit concerned I'm going to run out of sessions before i actually get anywhere.

Yes i can cheat every now and then, but comfort food was one of the few things that really kept me going. For a little bit everything feels better. Now that is almost completely denied to me. Not to mention the effort required to prepare or obtain food that isn't going to cause me problems is so much more and i have so little ability to motivate myself to prepare anything in the first place. Most meals i eat are if something is put in front of me or i happen to be in the vicinity of somewhere i can buy something.

The home situation sucks. Even if i could manage to do Centrelink's requirements (and i really struggle and get cut off all the time) I'd have less than $150 a fortnight to feed and clothe myself and pay my other bills. Rent is so expensive anywhere I'd be willing to live. I really want to get out on my own. I've done the share house thing a couple of times and that stresses me pretty bad too.

Thanks for listening. I mostly come her to read other peoples post and remind myself I'm not alone and occasionally to vent since i don't get to talk to anyone else. I don't know what I'd do without these forums.

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Quivz — Fri, 11 Jul 2014 17:35:42 GMT

So i've been on the new psoriasis medication for around 2 weeks now. I was warned things would get worse before it got better, but no one prepared me for the itching, the pain, the nausea or the blood. I look so bad i'm ashamed to go out in public... Luckily since i cant drink i've had no reason to do so. One good thing is i've quit smoking because i dont want to go to the shops to buy any. But i'm messing up a lot of my clothes with blood stains and i'm getting psoriasis where i didn't have any before. The improvement had better be miraculous or i'm just wasting my time. Even if i stop today it'll be 3 months before i can drink again and 3 years before i can donate blood. And if i keep going it'll be next year before i can even judge if its worth it. And then i have to make the decision to never drink again and stay on it or give up and be back where i started... Able to go to the pub so long as i dont mind looking like a leper.

No news on a new psychologist yet. It took several months to progress through the queue the first time and will probably do so again. However that leaves me where i thought it would. Starting over from square one since my previous psychologist will have been gone long since.

I have no one but people on forums to talk to and that's hardly fulfilling. I was right that the almost nonexistent social life i had before would reach actual nonexistent status if i couldn't drink. So loneliness is now my constant companion. I've started talking to the dog...

Job seeking is the very last thing i want to do with everything else thats going on, but of course centrelink and my job coach just want proof that thats what i've been doing, so i have to feel ashamed that i'm lying to them again.

I dont think the antidepressants are working any more. They dont help with the anxiety in the first place and with the increased reasons to feel anxious (psoriasis monster and social bankruptcy) thats just made me more depressed to the point where i dont think the dose is strong enough. Hopefully i can get in to see my doctor about it soon.

All in all I'm probably going backwards from where i started now... Except i'm too sad to hate every minute. I just dread every minute instead.

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Quivz — Tue, 23 Sep 2014 02:16:16 GMT

So the side effects of the psoriasis meds have calmed down and it appears to be working really well. This however leads me to the dilemma of having to stay on it and give up drinking forever or go back to the way it was so i can have a pint when i want.

Doc increased my antidepressant dose... Once again i don't feel as bad but i still don't feel any better.

Still no psychologist.

I still spend everyday worrying about my future and wishing i wasn't alone.

I haven't seen the mate i used to drink with since i started the meds. Like i said, without the casual drink its like we have nothing in common anymore. Some of you may think 'well what kind of mate could he possibly have been anyway', but its not like that. Its just the distance means unless there's a good reason we're just never in the same area. And my one other mate i have left, well i normally feel so unmotivated i don't catch up with him even when i can. I've been promising him I'd go and see Ninja Turtles with him since it came out and I've cancelled like 5 times already.

I don't think i've left the house for anything except appointments in a month. And 4/5 of the appointments I've had in the last 2 months i haven't gone to. I'm starting to struggle even to keep my appointments with my GP. I just stress out and then make some excuse.

I have to keep 2 appointments tomorrow, one with centrelink proper and one with my job coach. I've done nothing since i last saw them a month ago and i don't know how to tell them I want to, i just cant. I've missed 3 of these appointments in the last 2 months, which meant i spent ages on the phone lying to centrelink reps so i could get my payments back.

I also have an appointment to see the dermatologist on friday. I've missed 3 of these too.I don't know why. Its like i'm getting more and more afraid to go out and interact.

I really hate my life...