topic Uncertainty and fear in Depression

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 14 Mar 2014 13:01:44 GMT

"Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer."
~Dorothy Rowe

How am I today? Afraid and uncertain.

I made good progress these past few days. I went shopping most days for this or that. I even did the dishes. TWICE. So why do I feel so bad. I was out doing things. Achieving things. This should make me feel better. So why do I feel this crushing weight on my shoulders now? Why does the thought of next week fill me with dread?

I think I know the answer to that one. I have my first volunteer shift on Monday. Just three hours. Three hours I get to spend with cats, volunteering to help out at the cat shelter. Cats make me happy. It's only three hours. That should make me happy.

But I'm not. I am afraid. So terribly terribly afraid. My monsters keep whispering to me about what could go wrong. They keep whispering about how I'll screw it up. Normally I have at least a little strength to fight it off, or at least shrug it off and let the social anxiety of missing this appointment carry me through those three hours.

I look inside and all I find is emptiness. These past few days, I almost felt like a person again. Hell I can shorten that sentence. I almost FELT. Where did that person go? II saw her, glimpses of her in the edges of my vision. I can't even see her now, where did she go?

It hurts too much to hope. Hope should be a big positive, glowing thing but in my mind it is but a flickering candle flame. I don't dare com out of the dark towards that light because I can't trust it. It might go out any minute. I'll be left in the dark again, the dark I know so well. Worse, I'll be left in the dark with the memories of what that light was, what it could have been.

I'm not sure why I am posting. I just felt all these thoughts, like a pressure inside my head. I had to let it out somewhere. It's chaos in my head at the moment, voices shouting over voices; faces appearing in the crowd only to disappear a split second later. I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know....

I wanted to apologise for not posting much lately. I just can't hear over all the voices, to get one clear line of thought sometimes. And then there is the effort of coming on here and pushing all these keys to get it out. Then the waiting, the anxiety as I hope it gets posted. I hope someone sees. The fear that something will go wrong and it will disappear and I'll have to type the thing out again, which seems all too hard.

So you see I am having trouble helping myself right now. I don't know how to help others. It' like offering a hand down to help someone up and over a cliff edge. I don't have the strength in my arms when the ground is crumbling beneath my own feet. If I only had a firm footing, I could help pull you up. I could do something good. I could do something.

GA

Uncertainty and fear

Neil_1 — Sat, 15 Mar 2014 01:54:53 GMT

Hi GA

Wow, so awesome to hear from you and dear GA, I don't know if you've ever thought about it (or maybe you already have and you've got this feat achieved) but you should seriously think about writing a book. A story book or even one about yourself. You are so freakin' talented when it comes to the form of word articulation.

You wondered if your post made sense ... it made so much damn sense, that I read it and thought, I'll just read GA's post and then head to the gym. But nope, I read it and felt compelled immediately to reply to it. So now you're holding me up from the gym!!! 🙂 Just kidding. It's all good. 🙂

GA, what you've been doing of late is PERFECT. As in, your doing what you need to do to assist yourself and by not coming on here as frequently, so be it. That's your decision to make that and no-one should ever feel compelled to come on here. It's a website that is simply up to any individual to choose whether they come on or not.

You said you had some good days recently and wow, I was so pleased to read that and that you got out to do things. BUT you said you didn't feel, you know, like a weight lifted. My psych on Thursday told me something similar in that for me to get out and do things; or to stay at work just that little longer, when I'd rather head home and be 'safe'. She said by doing that a little more each time and by staying just that little longer each time, it slowly wears down the demons - the depression; because you are controlling it. You aren't staying at home, you aren't heading home early - you're controlling it. And her comment on this was that you won't notice it straight away - it's a process.

She used like chipping away at a large rock. You can't just hope that it'll vanish and be gone overnight when you do something like this. It takes time, it takes effort from you (me, us, gosh, whoever) to continue to do these things and in time, doing these things WILL become easier.

Your posts has got me typing juices flowing, but I fear I'm going to hit the word limit soon, so I will just chat quickly about the cats thing you've got coming up. BRILLIANT BRILLIANT GA. That sounds so awesome and of course, you're nervous and have apprehension about it now. That's only natural. But think about it and I am speaking to someone here of vastly superior intelligence than me (don't argue on this, because it's true) - you are going along to a volunteer shelter kind of thing; where there are other wonderfully like-minded people who will also be there. Different people but all sharing the major love of looking after and caring for cats. It'll be lovely smiles all round and friendly introductions and then before you know it, they'll be introducing you to the cats and you'll immediately kick the bejeesus out of your depressive state right then and there. The cats will melt your issues away and you'll enter a different mindset. You'll enter GA's beautiful mindset - the caring, the supportive, the nurturing, the helping instincts will come to the fore and there'll be no room for any of the nasties. Believe me, it'll be the most beautiful 3 hours you will have spent for such a long long time.

After it, think about it and transcend yourself back there (IF) you feel anything nasty wanting to come back after.

I hope this makes it, cause I guess it is rather long. I would love to keep going, but should post this now.

I'll chat again soon,

Neil

Uncertainty and fear

geoff — Sat, 15 Mar 2014 19:32:24 GMT

dear GA, that light isn't a candle, it's a light globe which means that it won't go out if you pass it, so depression is like a candle it always goes out and with it it leaves a build up of debris that is attached to it, so this means only one thing, and that's to trust the light globe.

So on your way to the cat shelter keep your mind occupied, and as the cat whisper has told me, that they can't wait for someone new, someone who adores kittens and who loves them and their meow. L Geoff. x

Uncertainty and fear

Mares73 — Sun, 16 Mar 2014 03:16:48 GMT

Dearest GA I know you are really suffering but I just wanted to tell you that you have been in my thoughts & I have left you be a bit because the last few msgs I sent just to ask how you were-you only provided very short replies & I'm so sorry I misinterpreted them in that I thought you wanted some space & to not have to feel obligated to reply. But I've still had you in my thoughts. You know I think you have been doing it really tough the past 2-3 months. That feeling of numbness & emptiness has been with you for quite a while & it makes me sad as I can only imagine that it causes you to feel alone & isolated with hurtful thoughts. Going through this period has obviously created a sense of a lack of hope, isolation & loneliness being stuck with debilitating thoughts going around your mind. So yes you would feel anxious & fearful of being back amongst people even though you will be doing a job you will love. I hope that looking after the cats is not only satisfying but also will provide a much needed distraction from the pain you are enduring. It should be enjoyable & once you are there & doing what you love-your anxiety levels may also lessen. Ill be thinking of you & really hope it goes well. I understand you may be anxious tonight -do you have anything you could do to distract yourself? Try (I know it's hard) to challenge the voices by saying STOP I will be ok, I'm going to do something ill love. Do you have anything you take to sleep-I was just going to suggest a bath or shower & a decent sleep. Remember we all feel anxious & fearful when we do something new, especially the first time when we have to meet people. I'm going for an interview with Volunterring NSW tomorrow so they can talk to me about my skills & my interests & match me up for a position. Am I nervous? He'll yeah. Am I over-thinking and overanalysing it-of course. Yet we are the ones offering them a benefit-we don't get paid so we needn't be nervous but of course we are. Ill be thinking of you, what time do you start? My interview is at 12pm. You are super special & I've missed you. Love Mares xxx

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 16 Mar 2014 05:15:11 GMT

Hi again,

I don't know what to type here.

Before I forget, Neil I have started writing a book. While I have written stories all my life- modern short stories or sprawling fanasy, I wrote the first the first third of a Sci Fi trilogy I had planned last year for NaNoWriMo ( National Novel Writing Month). 50000 words and it is only a third of the way through.

It was actually one of the warning signs pre breakdown last year. I was spending all this time writing but not studying for exams and I would have stopped except for the fact that writing was the only thing worth getting out of bed for. Even though I realised this was a bad sign, I kept going because this goal of 50000 words in a month was the only thing left. If I could do this, maybe I was still worth something, despite my life falling to pieces around me because I couldn't get the energy to try and save it. If I couldn't reach that goal...the monsters in my head plans for that. I knew I wouldn't be able to live with that failure, but I wouldn't have to for long.

So I rolled with it. I had a lightbulb moment, a day before the exams when I realised the scene which had poured out of me like a living, organic sentience, involved the character breaking down into tears, out of nowhere. I hadn't scripted it. It just happened, pouring from my fingertips. I read through my previous pages and saw for the first time little hints of the main character getting more and more depressed.

It was my subconscious' way of yelling at me; hitting a big red warning light and saying "There's something wrong here." The next day I went to see the university counsellor.

Of late, I have been logging in everyday and reading all the new posts in here. I want to help but don't know what to say in reply. THen there comes a night or an afternoon and it feels like my head just so full of these words. I don't even know what I am going to write about. All I know is that there is a huge mob of angry words and thoughts knocking on my door. The only for them to let me be is to start a new post.

I don't understand my own head. I feel like lately I am getting less and less control over my life.It's one thing to be trapped inside by my own head. It's one thing to unable to move in my bed, unable to get up. It's another thing entirely to try and just exist with these thoughts like voices shouting down at me in my own head. It's like in my head I am surrounded by a crowd of my own thoughts- some good some bad, some neutral,just saying that my bedspread looks awfully purple in the dim light from the window.

I think that this is what always happened- a stimulus, any stimulus would set off a host of thoughts in a hundred different directions. Now, however, it is too much. I can't stand this yelling in my head. Just the decision to breathe is hard when all I hear is this constant chatter and noise.

Am I losing my grip on reality? It certainly feels like I am.

Since when was it hard just to think?

GA

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 16 Mar 2014 09:11:43 GMT

Dear Mares,

I'm sorry for how my replies have come across. It is not that i want space. It was just such an effort to click the reply button, wait for it to load and type even a small sentence. I then would have to quickly hit post before other thoughts could change my mind. So if I post short replies like I did on here, consider it a cry for help, an invitation to reply more. At times like that I need people to draw me out.

In truth I feel honoured that anybody on here would consider me worth replying to. You all have it so tough and I haven't been able to help support you lately. I feel awful for asking for help when I can't reciprocate.

Even on the days when replying to other posts is too hard, my social anxiety and ingrained sense of courtesy demands that I reply (even if it just one sentence) to someone who has taken the time out of there own tough times to post on my thread, or specifically directed at me.

I'm always here, even if all I can do is read.

My first shift is from 9 tomorrow, so about 11 or 12 your time. My regular antidepressant is part sleeping tablet so I take that. I have other sleeping tablet which don't clash that I can take if it doesn't work. I a just so scared I'll screw up or I'll do something wrong and then one of the few things I knew things about will be wrong and I would feel awkward ever visiting them again to get another cat at some point.The monsters like to throw images of people taking my cats away, which I know is unreasonable but I can't help thinking it.

As for distractions, nothing I do gives me real pleasure but I'll try.

GA

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 16 Mar 2014 09:19:02 GMT

Hi Geoff,

What if I walk into the light and see just how messed up I am? What if others see how broken I am?

Apologising for being broken doesn't make me fixed again. In some situations it makes it worse because they are so sick f hearing me apologise. I don't know how else to react. I can't look at these scars, all the cracks and say I am proud.I'm not. I hate them. I don't want anymore.

Yet I know I would feel better if I did. I would feel releif, if only for a little while. Then would come the shame the next day of seeing the new scars. The wait for them to fade enough to be acceptable. The feeling of self pity and that I was pathetic for indulging. If only I could be a little more courageous, I could finish the job.

I wouldn't have to worry about scars then. I wouldn't worry at all.

GA

Uncertainty and fear

Dennis38 — Sun, 16 Mar 2014 21:53:51 GMT

Hello GA

First never feel bad if you can't or don't know what to say to someone else's post. I read a lot of the posts and either do not feel up to replying or not sure what to say as I have not gone though that particular issue. Also never feel bad about needing help, we all need a hand from time to time even if we can return the favour right away, one day we may be able to but that is the best that anyone can do.

Its good that you can get out and go to the shelter to help out the cats do not worry about screwing up or doing something wrong, we all screw up from time to time ( hell one of my best/worse screw ups was flooding the factory that I was working at with over a ton of cooking grease!!) We learn from the mistakes and go on. Give yourself permission to screw up once in a while and this will help ease off that particular demon.

As for the voices shouting over each other I know that feeling oh so well, what I try to do is actually listen to them, just close my eyes and say ok what are you going to throw at me today, and look at these voices as rationally as I can, and pick the ones that I can say ok no this is not right then simply grab them and send them on their way. Do not listen to the voices to long as they can bog you down, I have done this and regretted it later. But by looking at one or two of them and saying ok this is not true, or ok I can change this it makes it a little easier to make the brain quiet down a little bit.

I personally Am going back to bed for a bit I have not been sleeping to well and as its only 9am I can claim its to early to get up lol So I am taking myself back to bed in hopes of sleeping a little bit better or at least sleeping with out dreaming, the dreams are getting rough of late.

Good luck at the cat shelter and enjoy it!

Dennis

Uncertainty and fear

scorch — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 00:09:38 GMT

Hi GA

I just want to say, the example that you show by sharing your struggles and how you get through them is really encouraging.

I know you can't see it, but I think you are doing an amazing job at getting through life. You show a great example to other people with mental illness, I know I am encouraged and feel hope when I read your posts because I see you winning the small, day to day battles of life and it gives me hope that I can continue to win my small battles too.

My words aren't coming out right at all today, but I really hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Uncertainty and fear

helpful_soul — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 01:08:59 GMT

hi GA

I can understand the war that u have to fight I've been there myself. you don't want to apologise all the time and u shouldn't have to. u are not broken so don't think it

u have to keep fighting find some thing to live for don't worry about the bad concentrate on the good things in life. go to place and show that this is u and u are stronger then u where yesterday.

if u think you crazy im here to tell u you probably are

but ill tell u a secret all the best people are

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 05:26:18 GMT

Hi,

I feel a bit raw and emotionally exhausted from my psych appointment today. I will post later in reply as an update.

Just a quick post to say thnalyou, for feeling like my thread is worth posting a reply to. I appreciate every message I get, even if I can't believe what you say.

GA

Uncertainty and fear

Neil_1 — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 08:02:19 GMT

Dear GA

I write this on Tuesday evening - may I please ask you how did your cat shelter visit go?? Can I have a stab at how you went? In that, I bet you didn't stuff up and everything went far better than you would have expected?? I so hope I'm right.

GA, you also wrote this:

"my bedspread looks awfully purple in the dim light from the window"

May I suggest that if the colour isn't as you'd like - go out and get yourself a new bedspread!?!?!? Just a thought. 🙂 🙂

Kind regards

Neil

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 14:05:42 GMT

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." - Mary Anne Radmacher

That's what my existence has boiled down to. Living until tomorrow. My husband asked today what I wanted to do for my birthday in a few months. I commented on some of his ideas but honestly, I haven't thought far ahead. I honestly do not know if I will be here for it. I feel the same for my birthday I feel for everything else. Nothing.

The volunteer shift was good. I enjoyed just doing something for a few hours, however monotonous. It felt weird to have so much social contact. I didn't panic or anything, just weird bieng around so many people. At least got to say hi to the cats on my way home. They offered me another shift on Friday.

My psych session was somewhat productive. My perfectionism is just rife throughout everything I do. I went over a mini breakdown I had with my brother-in-sin not last week but the week before. I had meant to mention it in last week's session but I got distracted and just forgot. He came over to ride bikes but I thought we had said morning so I left the house, despite it not being a good day to leave the house and hid by the river, writing until a couple hours passed. I figured if he didn't see my car in the driveway, he would reschule for another time and I could ignore his calls.

He came by in the afternoon though, and worse yet, he came with a surprise guest- a friend of his he was supervising as she practiced for her motorbike license. He said all the usual things to try and get me out of the house, even for five minutes to ride but I just couldn't It just felt like if I left the house again, if I stepped outside something big, bad and nameless thing was going to happen to me. I didn't want to but I broke down in tears in front of him. Eventually his friend had to go, but he said he would call by another day.

I have been avoiding his and my sisters calls ever since. I just can't face them at the moment. The world is too much. I don't want their looks, their pity or their blessed ignorance of the darkness that lurks within us human beings.

I just can't right now. I don't know what to say to them. I don't know if I can keep up with the volunteering- what if one of those big bad day comes on a day when I have a shift? How can I explain that somedays I just can't leave the house?

Time for sweet, sweet sleep now. I have a medication review on thursday. I wish I had more hope to give you all. I just can't see the light right now. I haven't for some time.

GA

Uncertainty and fear

geoff — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 14:50:36 GMT

dear GA, firstly Dennis not sure your quite OK at the moment, so look after yourself.

GA, 'if I walk into the light and see just how messed up' as you say then your not ready to see the full light just yet, because once you are ready then you won't see 'how messed up you are'.

Imagine yourself being locked up in solitary confinement, which really is what depression feels like, and you walk out of it then the light is too strong for you, so you have to adjust, the same principle applies with having depression. L Geoff. x

Uncertainty and fear

Neil_1 — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 21:51:30 GMT

Hi GA

This post probably doesn’t have a lot of major content in it, all I wanted to do by sending this post was to say that I’m thinking of you, and I hope that what Mary Anne Radmacher says in her quote, “I will try again tomorrow”, I hope that you can try to do that.

I understand your husband wanting to try to get you focussed on your birthday, but that being way in the future (well for us anyway), a few months down the track – well that’s just too far to contemplate. But it still is a lovely gesture by him, and I know you wouldn’t have dismissed it – I’m just wanting to mention that it’s a very kind hearted gesture, as I know you will know it is as well. That’s just reaching out a bit too far for you just yet though.

May I also ask, did you write the letters “apos” all those times in your post? I notice that Geoff has them in there too … perhaps it’s some quirk with the BB system?? Beyond Blue? Is there a fault or something with us sending posts? Or were they simply naughty words and so they were transposed into ‘apos’?

GA, have you read your post again? You had an enjoyable time doing your volunteer shift and all went FINE. 🙂 Brilliant. 🙂 But you dedicated one short para to it. However, come the incident with your bro-in-law and that was detailed out in two paras – and you know, I guess this is what depression does to us.

We dwell, we focus on the negative and boost that up, while something that was positive, we almost quickly dismiss it – as though, well that went ok, but really it shouldn’t have happened like that and I bet that NEXT time it won’t go so smoothly. I guess we all do this to some degree – hence why we suffer from this illness. It just sucks so badly that this is the way we roll – cause I reckon you should have really written far more about your positive cattery experience and how your interactions with the other humans there was.

Anyway, for someone who wasn’t going to write much, I guess I failed to fulfill that earlier promise!

Cheers

Neil

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 19 Mar 2014 01:00:16 GMT

Hi Neil,

Administration first - I am not sure what you mean by 'apos'. I don't see them in my post or Geoffs. I am not sure what you mean. Although to my knowledge I didn't type any of them in my post, nor any bad words. While I can swear like the rest of them, I write so much that I figure I'll go as easy on the mods as I can.

Also, I like my bedspread. It's purple zebra print. Zany and out there, like me.

Everything feels like watching a tv show. I didn't expect to get used to this feeling. I have though. If I think about it too much I get low because I realise how screwed up my head is that I can't feel love back when my husband says I love him or I stare in confusion when a tear rolls down my cheek, because I don't know why I'm crying. I don't know that I was even crying til I felt it. It's almost like my body is a foreign object. A subject to observe but that I don't seem to identify as part of myself. Events matter less this way; the good and the bad.

Geoff - The light feels too bright some days. I just worry the longer I stay in this darkness, the more likely it is to kill me.

This will probably result in an email to my inbox from BB but if I was to be completely honest, I don't know if I should try stop it. I have fought this darkness for so long and I'm so tired. I don't know what I am fighting for anymore.

GA

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Wed, 19 Mar 2014 01:40:14 GMT

Hi Dennis,

I know people screw up from time to time. I know academically that is how human learn. Experience is something we get right after we could have used it, right? My perfectionism is so prevalent though, that while I accept other people making mistakes, I can't accept it of myself. I hold myself to impossibly high standards I just don't know how to lower.

Your tip about listening to some of the voices helped though. I'm pretty sure listening to the voices is a bad sign and makes me more certifiable than ever, but it helps at the moment. Thankyou.

Scorch- If I hadn't cried myself dry at my psych session, I would have cried at your comment. I see so little of worth in what I do, I can't imagine how I could be an example for others, bar as a warning for what not to do. I guess that's what this illness does to us though, huh.

Helpful Soul - Thankyou. I really wish I could beleive what other people say but I just feel so broken. I wish I could find the good. I really wish I could.

GA

Uncertainty and fear

Jo3 — Wed, 19 Mar 2014 04:04:04 GMT

Hi GA

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and wish that you can find some good even just a little. Even just a teeny bit of positiveness.

Keep fighting GA, you will get there.

Take care,

Jo xx

Uncertainty and fear

Dennis38 — Wed, 19 Mar 2014 11:48:17 GMT

Hey GA

Listening to the voices is ok, it helps us put some light on the problem areas that the brain is trying to get us to pay attention to, the problem becomes when you believe what the voices are saying, most of the time they are all negative voices, there is one or two voices that get drown out in the mad rush of things, and those are the voices that you need to strain to hear, but they are so worth hearing, those are the voices that tell us that we have done a good thing to day, or we are looking sharp today.

The positive voices are the hard ones to listen for, the key here is to listen to the negative ones, let them have their little rant, then look at them objectively and say "Ok enough of that self pity, you are out of here" then picture yourself kicking the voice in the rump and watching it fly though the door..put the door up and close it behind the voice and that voice is gone for a while. (Sneaky SOBs have a key once in a while that we forget to take off them, but the next time it shows up take the key from them and kick them out again, its easier to kick them out the second time!)

Listen to the ones that are the loudest first, just one or two voices, listen objectively they are going to say nasty things and we know this, so ignore them after all you cant hurt YOUR feelings and that is what these voices are, its a hard thing to do but after a while you can start kicking these voices out of your own mind even if its for a day or two ( I have managed a whole four days once) and what you hear once all the voices are quiet is the little voices that are cheering you one, soon these little voices become louder and louder by the day. Until one day those little voices learn how to find their throats and roar. This roar, which aft first doesn't happen often, is the most beautiful sound you will ever hear and my friend you will hear that roar!

Never give up on yourself, keep moving forward and never fear having to take a step to the left or right, side stepping is ok so long as you know the next step will be forward. Always try to move forward, and if you cant move forward then hold your ground never give the demon any ground! And remember there are people out there that will help prop you up and have your back so you never have to give ground!

Your friend in the light and the dark

Dennis

Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism — Thu, 20 Mar 2014 03:25:37 GMT

Hi all,

An update, post medication review. Final decision was to up the dosage on my anitdepressant. Given I haven't had any sideacffects from the current dosage, she was pretty confident that I shouldn't from a higher dosage. That said all the support of if anything goes wrong than to come back and all that jazz.

She also mentioned that she would like to put me up to an even higher dosage pretty soon, but stepwise and all that. She also mentioned maybe going onto a second antidepressant but we'll see how it goes with the upgraded dosage first. If things get better on this, one pill is better than two.

I have also put on 7.5kg due to meds and depressions sucking my will to leave the house. Great. I don't have the energy for the effort it would be to cry over that right now. So depression is still pretty severe, anxiety has been getting worse these past few weeks and apparently though I have rituals and patterns to the way I have to do things, they don't affect my life greatly enough to qualify for OCD.

GA