Late Night Thoughtstream / Poem

PugPug — Mon, 21 Sep 2026 14:50:39 GMT

Pre warning, some heavy imagery. I am doing okay, just feeling incredibly numb the last 6 months. Here's a thought stream from last night.

~~~

My right hand stings, pain lingering from the tip of my fingers toward my palm. I have slapped myself an inumerable amount of times in the last hour in an attempt to stop myself from crying. To focus on a stinging sensation that wasn't my heart.

I look at my reflection. My eyes are puffy from crying, my skin red and hot. I notice I'm subconsciously avoiding my reflection. My own eyes wander over my face like a curious stranger.

I wonder why now. Why is now the time to linger in my head. The last few weeks have been manageable. I haven't cried once. Haven't felt sad. Or felt much of anything. I haven't felt much joy but it's okay because I haven't felt any sadness.

But alas, I finished the rest of my weed last night. My vape died this morning. My ex-girlfriend has been away for three weeks and she will be back within a day. I picture her face, I then picture wanting to smoke, followed by wanting to vape, followed by wanting to doom scroll, followed by what I actually do, which is staring at my palms for an hour.

It all hits me at once. I see her again. I picture her face and before I know it, I am nothing but a stream for my tears to flow across. I am nothing except for the feelings I have right now. The past few weeks I haven't felt joy. Now all I feel is sadness. My skin crawls, my fingers dig, my teeth clench and my chest heaves in and out with every exacerbated breath. I choke out a scream, as my hands are drenched in tears and snot. I don't want anyone to see me like this. Not even myself.

So I begin to tear down my mirrors. Nothing to see here, nothing to see. I put weight down on my eyelid with my pointer finger. I drag my eyelid down slowly, I don't blink, I don't cry, I don't even gasp. I begin to disassemble the work I put into myself over the years. My eyes first. Then I begin putting my hands over my mouth. My mother's beautiful craftsmanship. I tear down years of rituals and years of regrets. I destroy who I am from within, I remove the bad, the good and all the inbetween.

I am exhausted from crying. I am sick of disappearing. I am finished talking, you won't get a word out of

me anymore.

Re: Late Night Thoughtstream / Poem

therising — Mon, 21 Sep 2026 19:36:05 GMT

Hi PugPug

My heart goes out to you so much while you feel and express the challenges that can come with doing a 'deep dive'. Diving deep into factors such as who we are, where we've been and where we're heading, what we have in our life, how we feel everything and so much more has the potential to offer many revelations. Such a dive can also be felt as sufferance until much needed revelations eventually start to come to mind.

Doing a dive into the void (where there seems to be nothing but challenging or painful emotions) can leave us questioning the void itself. 'Why is the void or emptiness there? Why am I suddenly feeling it and why is it so painful?'. Just some of the many questions that can come with diving into the void. As a gal who's a cigarette smoker and emotional eater, I can relate to filling the void with things that seem to satisfy until I'm led to question the quality of what I'm filling my life with. Whether it's cigarettes, weed, vaping, eating, drinking, the emotions someone else offers us or something else, when such things are not there then the void becomes more than obvious. Personally, I can feel how truly empty it can be at times. Then comes the longing or the desperate need to fill it, while I question myself at the same time. Who do I want to truly be and how do I long to develop myself, what do I want to truly feel, who do I truly want to share healthy and inspiring relationships with (as opposed to sharing relationships with those who stress me or bring me down), which direction do I truly want to head in? This list of self questioning goes on while in the deep dive. It can end up being a productive dive, as it can lead to the beginning of filling the void constructively. In a way you could say it's a part of the search for the truth.

From my own experience, I'd say the most painful part comes down to fully realising the emptiness. It can hurt so much. It can lead us to tears and at times it can be filled with a kind of grief. Call it a 'dark night of the soul' thing, a part of the process of waking up to what is before deciding how we're going to begin to come to life. It can be such an incredibly painful part of the process, especially if it's not managed carefully or strategically. If not managed in such ways, such a time can see us

Stuck in that place, while not coming up for air
Wondering alone, as opposed to having others wondering with us as to why we can be feeling lost or empty or otherwise
Continuously suffering through inner dialogue or that internal voice that leads to sufferance, as opposed to developing parts of us that can sound/act as constructive guides
In a state of questioning in a lot of the wrong ways, as opposed to asking the right kinds of questions that are going to lead to much needed revelations

I really feel you when it comes to the mirror factor. Not sure whether this is relatable for you but I came to understand why it was so painful to look in a mirror. There have been a couple of times in my life where looking in a mirror has led me to tears and on both occasions what it came down to is 'This is not me. It's a reflection of who I don't want to be'. It can be so painful to see who we no longer want to be. This marks the beginning of 'Who do I want to be?'. When beginning to look in the mirror again, who do we want to see? Most often, we want to see the person we're going to become as we leave who we think we are behind. Sometimes the void is simply 'the in-between', in-between who we were and who we're going to be and this is why it can feel so empty at times. In the void we can feel like no one, before becoming the person we long to become.❤️

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Late Night Thoughtstream / Poem

Re: Late Night Thoughtstream / Poem