topic Re: Family issues in Depression

Family issues

emi39 — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 02:44:45 GMT

I asked my father a question last night and he got angry at me.

Every 6-ish months he gets in these moods where he says we are ungrateful, he hates us and that he is going to leave us.

My question wasn't offensive or negative - I even clarified it, I meant it in a nice way (the question was: what are we going to live in? (because we might be moving)).

I feel guilty and bad because he takes it out on everyone. I feel bad for my sister (as it was her birthday today).

Sometimes I feel like if I wasn't here he wouldn't get mad all the time. It's like walking on broken glass and I'm exhausted. He doesn't love me. My mother also doesn't care - only when he gets mad at her.

I'm stuck in a remote location, I don't have a license (they never taught me), and I have pets I can't/don't leave (geese, ducks, chickens, dogs and guinea pigs). But He get's really mad he yells, says we are horrible and ungrateful, when we walk past he asks if we're happy because we cause them to split (he threatens to split up with my mother (he has done this a few times, but never actually does it,) and says he's going to leave.

After a while he becomes happy and acts like it's a joke. I noticed these outbursts occur after he talks to his friend on the phone (his friend isn't a nice person - he's nasty to his ex-wives and is somewhat of an alcoholic, but lives in QLD).

It used to be my older brother but now I face the brunt - everything I do, I ask he get's mad at. I just feel like sometimes it would be better if I wasn't here but I don't want to leave my pets. I feel scared, stressed and horrible. I can't eat, sleep. Last time he did this was on the 1/1/2026 - snice that date I've been sleeping with headphones on because I'm scared I'll hear them talking about me. I'm 22, I know I'm an adult and I can leave, but I would never leave my pets with them. I guess I just have to wait it out - apologies don't work he doesn't accept it and it make him angrier.

Re: Family issues

white knight — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 03:16:05 GMT

Hi, welcome

There must be a lot of tension in that house, I'm sure you are sad about it all. So, I'd like to give you my honest answer and that might find you challenged a bit, but I accept there is two sides.

Firstly and most importantly imo your dad seems frustrated, unhappy with his life and maybe his marriage plus that you seem you dont want to work. All this results in one unhappy man that needs help and the only person that he feels can comfort him is his friend- thats the person he can vent to. But, its not enough, he needs to dish out blame why? because he has no answers. Can you provide him some answers? Often grown children can but they dont recognise that ability with parents.

So at 22yo the fact is that your adult responsibilities are yours alone, eg getting your license is now on you, no longer on them, yes that period when they could have taught you has passed, time to move on and get your license yourself. Secondly you need to examine why you wont work. It is simply unacceptable for society to have the view that "they wont look after my animals" if you move out or work. If you moved to a nearby town and worked you could return home on a Wednesday night, make sure they are fed etc and return to the town until the weekend. You could teach your mother to feed and attend to the animals. Again its adult responsibility. If the animals is the reason you give to dad for not working I would share his frustration.

So, engage a driving school, learn to drive, get work but there is also a bridge to be built. Absence will make the heart grow fonder, your relationships inside the family home will blossom and as time goes by you could bring home fish and chips on a Friday night, go hiking or some activities with dad, mum or both and in general display that you are a full woman that can make your life fruitful.

I already know you are kind, kindness isnt the problem. You love animals and that alone tells me all I need to know about who you are and my wife and I are the same. But its time and its age correct, to break the glue that keeps you there. If you look hard you might even find a room to rent in the outskirts of a town where work is much more likely to find.

Once you decide on the move and work ambitions you'll find your parents could help you if you want them to.

Reply anytime.

TonyWK

Re: Family issues

emi39 — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 03:31:28 GMT

I want to work, but we live very remotely. He's no married to my mother - they are together. I've talked to people who knew him in the past and they said when he doesn't get what he wants, he kicks up a fuss. We are very supportive of him - he has said horrible stuff to us, and regardless we support him. I've brought him things, given him money and try to make him happy.

He's taught my older brother and younger sister to drive, and always says he's going to teach me but never does.

I just want to be loved by him, I love him, but I guess he doesn't love me?

Re: Family issues

white knight — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 03:46:00 GMT

Thanks for clarifying

Love is nearly always clouded in a fog of frustration, unhappiness. I'm sure he does love you.

First step- buy or get hold of "L" plates. Hang them from the front or back door knob so every time he goes outside he sees them. And ask him nicely and firmly "teach me to drive dad, please".

You might need to change the way you do things. Especially take the emotion out of how you communicate.

Now, what about your plan to move or get work? You didnt mention that in your reply.

TonyWK

Re: Family issues

emi39 — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 03:58:40 GMT

I have had L-plates for over 6 years now, he picked them out for me.

Right now I am studying, but he has told me that right now he needs my help to help renovate the house - so I want to help them so then I can help them move to a better place (my mother has brain cancer so she has to live closer to a city). I'm also my mother's carer - and in conjunction my sister's carer.

Re: Family issues

emi39 — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 04:08:49 GMT

I try and do so much for everyone - when I left work I had 3k in my bank for savings, but they took it off me. I brought him a laptop when his broke and let him use mine. Whenever he asks me to bake something I do. I try and keep everyone happy, but these last few months it's been hard. Really hard. To the point where I question if I should keep on living.

Re: Family issues

emi39 — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 04:11:04 GMT

But I keep on living because I know it's just a moment in life and that my sister and pets need me. No matter what in a way I'll keep on living for them.

Re: Family issues

white knight — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 05:08:49 GMT

Thankyou for taking the time to fill in your story that I didnt know about.

BTW you can still remain a carer if you live not too far away. Many carers drop in and take care of people that they dont live with. Try to gather all the information you need.

Many of us here have had suicidal thoughts or worse. I suggest that it often develops through a number of things like-

Unhappy environment
Family issues
Mental health issues
Lack of hobbies, sports or interests
In your case, isolation with no transport of your own
Tension in the household
Lack of future projection- career, travel etc
A non existent love life
Lack of friends

You might need to consider a change of tack. Eg meeting someone in view of a relationship or friendship online. A sport one night a week like Volleyball or table tennis. Do you ride a motorbike? If so you can ride one as soon as you get your "L" plate plus training at the nearest training centre that will give you more freedom and is life changing.

What is lacking is a plan, if you can think of one plus consider discussing it with your parents as a team it could work especially if your dad recognises it will benefit everyone.

When you are faced with these problems, have doubts about if parents love us and no mobility, you have to strive to be proactive and positive. I'd like to see you start thinking more about how you can progress with your plan than thinking about who's to blame and why you havent succeeded. Baby steps in that plan is crucial to your happiness. What do you think about that?

TonyWK

Re: Family issues

M-aggie — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 22:11:57 GMT

I grew up in a similar situation, im 23 F with a narcissistic and emotionally abusive father. The hardest thing was leaving my mother and my dog. I thought with me gone my mum would face the brunt of the abuse alone.

The thing is we can't save everyone we can only save ourselves. Leaving was the best thing I could do.

I got a job doing seasonal work at a snow resort, you have accommodation and people around you, from there I found connections and ways to go forward with my life without needing my family to support me.

I also got a good therapist who made me realise how brainwashed I was by my father into thinking I wasnt a good person. A mental health care plan from a GP gives you affordable sessions with a therapist who may be able to help you process some trauma you have from the abuse.

You can't have a regular relationship with abusers, nothing I did was ever good enough. I mean I was the first person in my family to finish Uni and he didnt care. You have to just move on with your life and stop trying to please people who don't want you to succeed.