Depressive waves and I really need to vent...

SoloLeveller — Sat, 06 Jun 2026 08:57:18 GMT

I haven't posted in quite some time cause life is just breaking me down. but, depression is worse than life. I've suffered two massive betrayals of friendship that compare to a childhood trauma I wish I could forget. two long time friends (one 22 yrs long and the other 17 yrs long) which I had done so much with. friends I tried to encourage, tried to comfort, tried to work through mental issues with. now I'm here, one friend left who's is a great friend but he's also much younger than me. that just means our interests are very different and don't give either of us much to talk about with each other. I'm in my 40's and I'm also so tired of the thought of trying to make new friends. good thing about old friends are the stories we'd have and share whenever we hung out. I'm a carer for my mum which is very stressful but also very worth doing. my dad was a monstrous piece of filth that deserves to die by my hand. honestly, these days I can't keep myself stable or happy in any sense. every night I hope I don't wake up in the morning. I have constant suicidal thoughts run in head every day. I just don't act on them and try to focus on other things. not having those friends has disabled me to a certain extent.

no one to understand me, no one to vent to, etc. but, would I try to forgive them? hell no! if they suddenly came to me with options of being friends again? also a hell no! as far as I'm concerned, life isn't worth living. never has been. but, my mum needs me just as much as I need her. I have two older siblings but they have their own lives to live. so, when they visit my mum and me we both try to keep things happy and positive (which is exhausting) but it is what it is. I'm also terrified with a life without my mum. might seem childish but that's the truth. she's always been there for us. always did her best with what she had.

my plan was always this. if she was to suddenly pass away then I would follow soon after. that thought first hit me while I was in primary school. I became her carer cause my sister's always wanted to chase after a career and starting a family. so I thought "I'm not going to leave my mum alone" I couldn't. the things she suffered at the hands of my dad are just to disturbing to even type out. all that I have these day's is caring for my mum (which isn't a burden at all) and a crippling void of loneliness that just doesn't leave me be. I try to keep myself busy but it keeps eating away at me no matter how positive I try to be.

Re: Depressive waves and I really need to vent...

Psychdiaries2 — Sun, 07 Jun 2026 10:57:54 GMT

Hi there,

Welcome back to the forums, I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for reaching out, you show a lot of courage by seeking support on here.

I'm sorry to hear about all that you are going through today. I know it must be very painful to go through loss of friendships especially since you mentioned the care and support you have shown them over time. You are right for drawing boundaries. You absolutely don't need to feel like you have to reconcile if you don't want to and I admire how firm your footing is.

About your suicidal thoughts and depression, it's normal to have negative thoughts and struggle with feeling positive. However, the negative thoughts are not the truth and I suggest to try and challenge them by repeating something like 'I can get through this with time and support', 'I am not alone', etc. Perhaps you could create a safety plan which includes reminding yourself of the reasons for staying like how you mentioned how important your mum is to you and how much you clearly love her. I'm not sure what you're relationship is like with your siblings, but if you guys are close, perhaps you could call them if you're feeling consumed with thoughts of suicide to hopefully talk and ease some of the pain. Another suggestion is to do remove anything in your environment that you may use to harm yourself.

Here is the Lifeline number: 13 11 14 to chat with someone confidentially about your struggles and get some support. You are not alone, there is support out there and it is possible to get through this. Don't lose hope, give the number a ring and speak to someone. Getting help is the first step and can change everything. I see how much your mum means to you and how you're here for her. Try to stay in the present moment, caring for her, looking after yourself, doing something that may interest you, going outdoors, etc. I hear you said how you try to keep yourself busy and I see you're making an effort.

I hope you also take care of yourself today and know that it's ok not to be ok right now. There is help out there to improve so I hope you take that step today. You are always welcome to chat on here too, we are here for you. Be gentle with yourself 💙

Take care and talk soon,

PsychDiaries

topic Depressive waves and I really need to vent... in Depression

Depressive waves and I really need to vent...

Re: Depressive waves and I really need to vent...