topic Re: What it feels like to go insane in Depression

What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 07:54:22 GMT

Been away a while and I dont know where I been. But my life views have changed dramatically. Depression sufferers are amongst the toughest breeds mankind has ever seen. The sheer weight we carry and still survive somehow is remarkable. Its sad we have no strength to communicate this but I am bound with my brothers and sisters for life as we struggle for survival together. Yes I have seen death felt it lived it but I see the beauty in my brothers and sisters and if I could I would protect you all.

Yes my tone has changed as I have relived my hippie days during treatment. A long lost part of me that has been buried for decades.

A hidden aggressive non violent protest for change that I was lost in 40 years ago at the beat if Bob Dylan Neil young at the time of Laurel Canyon and Woodstock.

But I had to die first to get there and lose my mind on the way which was frightening to my core.

They tried to silence the hippie for what reason. They exercised brotherly love and care for mother earth and natural lifestyles. Their non conformity towards the way things were going in the 60 70s was about LOVE and PEACE. And you stamped him out. Why? Why would you do that. Manson was never a hippie so dont blame hippies.

So I live in this world eons away from the beauty I was once involved in. Not being able to tell you here where I go twice a week at hospital is a crime and yes I am anti establishment but not wrecklessly indifferent to things that make society run. My treatment is out there and I cant tell you.

Thats crazy to the enlightened person because people need information but instead are bombarded by misinformation lies scams gag orders and integrity has become almost a mythical idea from a long lost time. And all this does matter. Its our health we fight daily for and it doesnt come cheap and without effort.

Respect to all my brothers and sisters and let your freak flag fly and above all peace in our suffering

Re: What it feels like to go insane

indigo22 — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 09:39:34 GMT

Hello dear Scared,

I am so glad to see you here again, we have been concerned about your welfare, I am relieved you are ok.

I too miss the hippie days, the world seemed less complicated and there was more kinship then. I am glad you have turned a corner with your treatment, you are so deserving of a good life without living in fear constantly.

I have a fairly good idea about the type of treatment you are having and I am pleased to hear it is working for you. I would love to hear about what your life looks like now, are you still living in the apartment that you moved to a few months back. I feel protective of you too, I knew you had the strength to get through all that darkness but you needed to know it too. We have missed your kind words on the forums and hope you will be here as often as you are able (no pressure at all).

You have our support and care always,

indigo 💜

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 11:04:39 GMT

Hello Indigo I have not forgotten you but I know you understand people disappear and go thru stages of isolation and periods of difficulty.

I had to leave my beautiful safe place as they are renovating. I moved into bad housing at xmas and was in a dark place.

Police and psychotic users are regular visitors and its not a healthy place to be.

But there has been some change in me.

I have become a voice for my right to live in safety and health. Im sharp in my debate and counter when Im fed bullshit with fast verbal precise defense skills.

This is something I had long ago and I remind myself that its a bit like the late John Lennon was like in his tone and sharpness. Not that I try to emulate him.

Im defending myself more especially advocate against injustice for myself and others.

This is a huge change for me to be able to stand up for myself where for so long I was a passive witness to the world bulldozing over me. During treatment today Bob Dylan showed me such power behind his lyrics almost spoiling for the fight. I didnt choose the hippie memory it just came to me on my first injection and I felt so safe so I always head there during treatment.

I have so much more love for my brothers and sisters as a result.

Today Bob Dylan and Neil Young were on the chair at the New world order Government steering mankind towards a brighter world future. I was like WOW man we are all going to be safe now.

There are times I get very scared when treatment goes down the wrong path but I do my best to ground myself and get back to Woodstock to calm down again.

To witness your own death during treatment redefines the urgency in ones own life that words cannot ever come close to explaining.

Yes the treatment can be heavy and I feel for all the 1 st timers who never did all the fun mind expanding things we hippies did in Nimbin and Mullumbimby and Byron back when it was only a quiet little town. I used to always challenge the establishment and its refreshing to have the mental energy to do that.

Its the love and vitality I feel going back to my hippie ideals of the late 70s is where I feel healing is taking place.

Im still not well but far from where I started when I 1st joined BB.

I read some my posts and I cried so much for that poor man who wrote them.

Im not a bad man and I deserve some relief as I worked hard for it.

Altho there is no way possible to prepare someone for treatment I would recommend it to everyone.

I think you guessed right what treatment is. Glad you still around and I have a big hug for my sister Indigo.

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Croix — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 11:35:08 GMT

Dear Scared~

I'd like to join Indigo in saying how pleased I am to hear from you, particularly as you seem to have found a safe place to go to in your mind. You sound happier and more determined.

The music of the 60's was basically anti-establishment hope, and pointed out the problems in the world to be overcome. I'm hoping the treatment is giving you a fresh start with a voice to point out the problems you have and a sense of community with others who suffer depression.

It is a real pity your accommodation is the pits, I hope it is not permanent and you get something better.

I too have a place to go in my mind when things are bad, and that is not the same, it is a sort of music though, the settings of a sward of grass beside the sea, listening to the waves and gulls and feeling the wind and rain.

If the old you has passed and the new you is happier I'm glad

Croix

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 12:15:26 GMT

Hi and thx Croix.

Accommodation is bad and I find it easy to dwell on it.

But I need to see a silver lining to it.

I can argue my concerns with it and put up a sharp debate on the fact that men are expected to handle fears and unsafe environments but if it was a woman or their daughter living here then see how things change for the better in a hurry.

So to be able to point out the facts that men dont have the same right to health and safety as women do in these environments is a win for me to be able just to string the words together in the

1st place. So when the establishment is met with my questions of course they have no answer for their sexist position on men.
This is far better than just getting angry and self pity that I did in the past.

In short im rewiring my brain thru neuro plasticity to see the positive and man its hard relentless work.

But my treatment turns your brain to putty so I make hay while the brain is pliable and rewire the neuro pathways.

Treatment does not come with a manual and I believe would be more effective if you had a therapist to help.

Im making it up as I go along using all the knowledge I gained from my own research over the years.

So seeing a silver lining in everything i can whether the outcome is what I want or not can only reinforce the neuro pathways to be stronger to see the positive side.

Im only going by what my gut instinct tells me to do.

So the world is on notice that things are not going well since I been gone.

This is not their world

Its OUR world that means all BB too

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 12:18:49 GMT

I just noticed my user name " scared"

Man I was terrified back then with monsters coming for me if I dared nod off to sleep. Now I understand why I chose that name

Re: What it feels like to go insane

therising — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 17:38:39 GMT

Hi Scared

As so much in you is coming to life or coming back to life bit by bit, your sense of liberation through those parts of you is inspiring. Sometimes it can take years to make greater sense of why certain facets of us ceased to be exercised. Meeting with them again is like meeting with an old friend and incredible guide in life. When certain facets are recongised as being our greatest guides, the thought can become 'No wonder I have felt so lost for so long, without them'.

Perhaps one of the most liberating parts of ourself is the intolerant part, a part that recognised and felt injustice when we were young. While it is one thing to be taught to master that part of us and educate us out of being driven to full blown tantrums, it is another to be conditioned to completely suppress it. With complete suppression, there is no sense of drive toward justice. With complete suppression, we are taught how to get the most upstanding part of us to take a back seat and not say a word. With it being such a soulful driving force at times, the whole process of suppression can feel soul destroying, that's for sure.

I look forward to hearing more about your liberation.

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 22:32:49 GMT

Thank u the rising.

I began to wonder when I abandoned my ideals and why.

Then I quickly realized STOP.

When is not important. Its important to learn why so a mistake is not repeated but that comes with cost for me personally. To open up and say honestly hey I lost my way in life and say its ok I found my way back now is so much faster so much less effort and so much healthier living in the now rather than exploring the past and ending up with an answer if something like life just got in the way.

As reflection is a normal and healthy way to be a balanced human it can also lead down a rabbit hole of analysis I dont know the formula of when to reflect and when not to and I would never dare advise any body on whether to or not.

My gut has to tell me because it holds a huge story board of information I picked up over a life time. Instinct. Which cant be taught.
Im also mindful that my brain is capable of unleashing suffering of such magnitude that I do fear its power against me. Im a pretty smart guy and all my knowledge I have about the world is pretty much useless facts. I want to stop being right about this or that and just get right with living in mainly ignorant bliss.

I was awesome in debate and thats coming back after dormant for decades but I want to bask in the occasional victory and then let it go so I can enjoy some bliss. We have all gone thru such suffering and I cry when I think about it.

Im just a soft loving and caring man deep down and I need to learn how valuable I am.

Re: What it feels like to go insane

audiology — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 23:40:33 GMT

Hey there Scared! Just wantedt to drop a quick comment to say I absolutely love your verbal acuity and as a fellow battler of depression I am glad you've found a treatment that is working for you!

Re: What it feels like to go insane

therising — Tue, 10 Mar 2026 04:50:47 GMT

Absolutely 100% agree with needing to be careful about going down that rabbit hole. It can be a little like 'I wonder when I began to lose that part of myself. I think it was when I began associating with this person or those people. What are those people like, really? I wonder how they were raised or what influenced them to be the way they are? Why do they trigger me so much?' and so on. With every new question there is a twist or a turn leading to another question and another. While it can be fascinating, hitting on so many revelations, it can also definitely be time consuming and in some cases a time waster when there is living to be done.

Not sure whether you can relate but I've found that when the time is right to explore what needs to be explored (regarding the hard stuff), it'll be presented to us by life in some form. Took me decades to finally work out that this is what some depressing cycles can be about, for me personally. It's like all can be going well and then suddenly there's the feeling of a downshift. While I used to think 'Why can't I always be happy?', these days it's more along the lines of 'Okay, so what's the lesson here? What's depressing or potentially depressing that I need to address?'. When finally I hit on it, it's like 'Aha!' and I cycle back out into newfound wisdom or bliss or something along those lines. I used to think the cycles were like going 'round and 'round and never being able to fully escape the threat of depression but I've found it more so about naturally cycling upwards. You could say that in one full revolution or cycle, there is a sense of evolution. The hardest part is being or feeling stuck in the depressing part of that cycle with us not yet having moved through to its completion (the point at which we gain what we need to, in order to evolve and graduate into the next cycle).

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Tue, 10 Mar 2026 06:31:13 GMT

Thank u for that compliment.

Writing stories was something I used to do. Last year I began writing a novel while having a rare brief moment of wellness. Gothic religious horror genre. A homage to Mary Shelly's Frankenstein but mine has purpose and that is a scientific approach to finding the existence of God and providing real evidence.
I was truly terrified to even put pen to paper on this book. But depression has shown me fear like one could never imagine and with that in mind what can a book do to me thats worse than depression.
You got it.... Nothing.

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Tue, 10 Mar 2026 07:03:28 GMT

Yes absolutely

But then a revelation hit me like a bus.

Neuro Plasticity .

What if after a long spell of a depressive cycle the neuro pathways became strengthened in their network that depression has had enough time to become its own default setting.

Because the pathways are so strengthened by now it takes quite a while to re route to a healthier network.

So if thats the case then depression in a cycled pattern would make absolute sense. So if that is true then when health returns then we have to get very busy quickly to form new neural pathways before the much stronger more established depressive neurons can take control once again.

This needs serious debate as we are the ones who need to find a release from this nefarious disease.

I truly believe the science of neuro biology and plasticity is where are much needed answers are. For eg we excercise one muscle for enough time it will stay strong for a long period of time even after muscle wasting has occurred.

Muscles or brain does not matter as its all the same biology and operates under the same evolutionary principal as all mammals. A thought in our brain is no different than a muscle flexing. So a rabbit hole I think is not healthy because positive change needs quick action because of the race in time we are under.

To beat the default setting.

Im not Einstein just my gut common sense. We all know the seriousness we are playing for. We all have skin in this game and now I rethink the term and purpose of SSRI. Perhaps its to give nero pathways time to strengthen time to out last the default setting before it comes back.

Re: What it feels like to go insane

therising — Tue, 10 Mar 2026 17:57:22 GMT

Hi Scared

The subject of neuroplasticity is a fascinating one, as is the subject of epigenetics. Such subjects inspire a sense of wonder. 'I wonder what I can do with my brain and its networks. I wonder what I can do with my genes and how I can switch certain gene expressions on and off'. It all brings about this sense of excitement in various ways. 'How to master one's self?' becomes the question.

I can recall the first time I came across the subject of neuroplasticity, within the book 'The Brain That Changes Itself' by Norman Doidge. This was mind blowing stuff, especially some of the ground breaking work of Paul Bach-y-Rita. Btw, one of the things I love most about researchers is the fact that they most often won't settle within the belief 'There's no cure for that' or 'That's not possible'. They open their mind to endless possibilities. They are explorers of what's outside the square.

With a passion for knowing what certain researchers have discovered is what has led me to become a reader of books based on research, as opposed to a reader of novels. I imagine you also have a thirst for knowledge. Drinking in ideas and research based on neuroplasticity is what helps satisfy such a thirst, for a time, until the thirst to know more returns. A sense of wonder is an incredible thing, until it becomes time consuming. A healthy balance of research and living can be a challenge to master.

Beyond neuroplasticity and epigenetics is what I feel completes the trifecta. Certain elements of quantum physics covers so much in regard to who we are and how we tick. A fascinating book that touches on all 3 combined would be 'Becoming Supernatural' by Joe Dispenza. The idea is that these 3 elements that go toward making up the whole of who we are aren't just natural but perfectly natural or super natural. It's perfectly natural or super natural to be able to change our brain/mind, change how our body expresses itself and change how we function on an energetic level. With every cell in our body vibrating at a certain frequency (according to quantum physicists), determining the level of excitement we feel from a collection of billions of cells within our body, the question becomes 'What's it going to take for me to vibe up (experience the vibration at a higher and healthy level) in order to truly feel life running through me?'.

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Ggrand — Tue, 10 Mar 2026 23:44:56 GMT

Hello Dear Scared,

Those we’re the good days, Love and Peace, Woodstock, I didn’t get to go but I do have a great dvd which shows the building of the stage, the traffic, setting up tents and all done by the marvellous back drop of Crosby, Stills, Nash singing “It’s a long way gone”…those were good days….

The way the world is today, is sad….Keep that beautiful person inside you alive…Don’t let this world change you….Stay true to yourself Dear Scared…

Sending kindness, peace and a gentle caring hug…♥️ ☮️ &🤗…

Grandy..

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Wed, 11 Mar 2026 06:40:53 GMT

Hi Ggrand...

Yes I know and yes its sad they have gone. Last year I had a panic attack regarding yester year and OMG every ones gone and I cant bring it all back.

I got numb when David Crosby died and quite upset knowing CSN will never be again. Did you know Neil Young played with CSN at Woodstock as they were know as CSN n Y. There is no footage of Young tho as he threatened the camera crew with his heavy guitar if they came anywhere near him. I think that was only the 2nd time csny played together as a foursome. That era was simply the richest output of music I would argue in all time back there in laurel and topanga canyons. Im not happy Neil never accepted Davids apology before he passed. Because I modeled my whole life around Neils music and Im first to accept an apology on brotherly love.

So Im very confused by neils stance.

I love csny take on Joni Mitchels song

"Woodstock "

Regards Not scared

Re: What it feels like to go insane

indigo22 — Wed, 11 Mar 2026 08:40:18 GMT

Hi Not Scared (love that!),

To this day the music of the 60s and 70s is what makes me want to sing, they were such amazing writers and the harmonies can move me in ways I cannot describe. CSNY were amazing with their harmonies and many after them were equally special in their own way. I never went to Woodstock but it felt like a mass statement from the citizens of this world that things need to change. Here we are so many years later and while some change has occurred, not nearly enough has changed. It was unfortunate that so many of the great bands of that era could not get along with each other and held grudges for decades. I am not sure what the issue was between Neil and David that you are referring to, but I know there was almost always friction between the members. I think the use of the "happy pills" etc., sometimes became the downfall of those involved.

The majority of those songs of rebellion still have a place in the here and now. How long does it take to change things for the better? My personal opinion is that there is too much control imposed by the 1% that don't want things to change. I had a discussion with my nephew the other day about this and he expressed that he was unsure we could change things, my argument is that if the 99% of us took a stand, the 1% wouldn't stand a chance. Unfortunately at this time there are not enough of the 99% pushing for change, but I absolutely believe it will happen and in my lifetime.

If you were going to consciously choose a time when you were at your best, it would likely have been then, makes sense that your subconscious would lead you there. I know you said that it has been a difficult journey with a lot of hard work, but the result speaks for itself, you have come so far in just a few months, I can only imagine the changes in you that will take place in the months to come.

I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of you and your achievements and I have a bug hug also for my brother.

indigo 💜

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Ggrand — Wed, 11 Mar 2026 11:27:54 GMT

Dear Scared,

I’m sorry you had a pain attack last year regarding yester year…🤗…

Yes, I have the 4 of them on a DVD called “Woodstock” along with the other musicians that played there…My husband was a guitar player and growing up in the 60/70s learned to play most of the songs from Woodstock…Jimmie Hendricks was one of his favourite players along with CSN &Y..,Billy Thorpe & the Aztecs, Meat Loaf, he would play for many hours trying to perfect their style and sound of their music….wow scared, you’ve brought back so many memories, memories that were buried deep in my brain…

The 60/70 singers and musicians, the sounds that came out from their instruments and their voices were not distorted by any computer….they were genuine and pure talent…..Thank you so much for bringing some good memories back….

Kind thoughts and care Dear Scared..

Grandy..

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 03:04:43 GMT

Thanku so much Indigo.

David called Daryl Hannah a predator or words to that effect regarding Neils marriage to her after Neil divorced his long time partner Peggy.

That was the last straw for Neil regarding David. Today was my 6 th treatment and I was not ready for a larger dose.

You are right about the power of % 99.

So as far as my insights of todays session this is what I saw.

Everybody has a bright beautiful light they carry inside and are not even aware of the time energy and effort that it takes to keep it lit. Buddha searched and found it Jesus was born with it and taught it and the enlightened understand its internal not from external sources.

It is not Religeon but rather awareness that is most often not even visible because life gets in the way of ever seeing it. We are too busy with life to ever truly see life. Its a paradox.

Many people have this revelation in hospice care and get it so profoundly sadly when its too late.

Young people are key in change because they can have ideals for change as they often do not have the burden of children mortgage and lifes weighted responsibilities In short they can have clarity they can afford it.

Ask any parent who has finished work cooked dinner pay bills ran baths and beds for children and ask them to then find strength to change the world.

No. Its not going to happen as much as they want to.

We are too busy in crisis as it is let alone campaign against logging in Amazon or slash and burn farming for palm oil.

My father said it right.

He said son in the 50s thru to the 80s you could have achieved anything but now its not the same world.

Governments focus on young men and women as our next leaders but my question is this. What should that look like because what we producing now is still missing crucial points and my fear is by the time we evolve at our present rate its too little too late. The burden on young peoples mental health is of utmost importance as I feel it will only get tested further. How do we keep young people from losing their momentum and ideas of change before the machine of life gets to them first.

Im sorry Indigo I not mean to become political but I cant see how we can help younger generation without governments.

Re: What it feels like to go insane

Scared — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 03:15:03 GMT

Yes please do go back and visit the past

We may often carry baggage from our past that weigh us down like a sea turtle full of growth on its shell but forget the good baggage we also have hauled 1000 miles thru our life Music from a happy time. Time to get some music going again. Why not we carried it for so long time to use it.

Happy peace love and reflection on a much loved time. We deserve it

Re: What it feels like to go insane

indigo22 — Fri, 13 Mar 2026 01:58:23 GMT

Hi Not Scared (I am going to call you this as it is more fitting),

I am not sure we can rely on our current governments for anything, they are all corrupt to a large degree. If you can be bought, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. It is our education system that needs to change first and foremost. It is still producing brainwashed young people who are not taught anything of real value, it is all left brain facts and figures about how the world has always been (which is untrue to begin with) and the right brain is suppressed. It's not surprising there are so many people in the world with mental health issues, they have all been beaten down by a system we no longer need or want.

My personal opinion is that all kids should be taught the basic foundations at primary school, reading, writing, math etc. Helping them discover how they learn best, visually, audibly, experientially etc. But high school should be about nurturing and encouraging their natural talent whatever that may be, teaching them about self esteem and self worth, the many ways in which we can be of service to others in life, their value in the world, their rights in society, how to become independent adults when they are finished with school. These are the things that matter that are never taught.

I don't know about you, but I hated school, even then I felt like I was forced to learn things that I had no interest in and would never use again for the rest of my life. I had no interest in science, history, etc. I was creative and right brain by nature but had to study and pass exams on left brain subjects I couldn't and wouldn't retain.

It's time for change, that's for sure.

indigo 💜