topic Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health in Depression

Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Thu, 01 Aug 2024 03:31:24 GMT

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

Eagle Ray — Thu, 01 Aug 2024 17:23:00 GMT

Dear indigo,

Thank you for sharing about your experiences and journey. As you say, it is an ongoing one, but it sounds like you have made a lot of progress and worked very hard to make sense of all you have been through in life so far.

I agree that to a large extent we have to do the work ourselves to find answers and that often involves a lot of reading, researching, trial and error. Wise guides can definitely help along the way too, whether they come in the form of therapists, friends or whoever they may be.

I can relate to the presence of somatic issues in terms of impactful emotional experiences lodging in the body. I have found listening intuitively to the body and reading feelings as a form of meaningful communication from the body has been really helpful. It sometimes takes a while to figure out what a particular feeling is about, but I am learning not to judge difficult feelings negatively but understand they mean something that I can learn from. Often that realisation in itself helps to release the hold of that feeling over me and helps my nervous regain some balance.

I’m wondering if now the dysthymia and major depression are beginning to make sense in the context of your life? I’ve found often initially such things can feel so amorphous and hard to make sense of. For me I’ve had to recognise the presence of anxiety and depression which in my case are direct spin offs from complex trauma which is the core issue. When I learn to treat and process the complex trauma I can feel some self rebalancing starting to happen and habitual anxiety and depression responses start to be less unconsciously automatic, like I have some agency now. I feel like healing is growing that agency over time and feeling a sense of efficacy in one’s own life.

I hope you can keep uncovering what you need to in order to make sense of your world and that you keep gaining more layers of healing in that process. I’m sure you have the fortitude and insight to work through those layers.

Take good care and go gently as you delve into your experiences. Wishing you the best 🙏

Watm hugs,

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Fri, 02 Aug 2024 03:43:05 GMT

Hi ER,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

I worked out when I was going through talk therapy how, why and when the dysthymia and major depression began, these are my core issues. What I haven't been able to understand until now is why, despite having an understanding and making changes to my boundaries, I have not really healed.

The knowledge that so much of the past is still trapped in my body is what has made it clear to me, healing can't take place until what is trapped has been released. That in turn can be a catalyst to assist the body and mind in healing itself.

We have had many discussions about books and although our core issues are not the same, we seem to find the same books and authors helpful for the most part. I always enjoy our discussions.

I am not able to read into my body as yet, at present my understanding is all in the mind. It is improving a bit at a time. When I first began with the psychotherapist, she would ask me where I felt certain things in my body and was not able to tell her. There is a disconnect between mind and body but I think this can be quite common from what I have read. I am having to remake those connections which takes a bit of time when the disconnect has been there for so long. I am sure my body has been trying to get messages through but they have fallen on deaf ears, so to speak.

For the moment I am happy to be making some progress toward healing, and happy that you are doing the same.

Warm hugs to you too,

indigo

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

Eagle Ray — Fri, 02 Aug 2024 05:35:38 GMT

Hi indigo,

I relate to what you say about having difficulty being able to tell your therapist where you feel things in the body. My therapist has asked me the same thing a number of times and I often went kind of blank (dissociated) and couldn't answer, or only with difficulty. I am finding it is getting a bit easier though.

At the moment I am particularly getting better when I sense something is off in a situation. I'll get a skin crawling, icky feeling and I'll internally feel a recoil from a person if something isn't right. This recently happened when someone tried to act unethically in relation to me and my instincts that I felt at a bodily level turned out to be right. In similar situations in the past I overrode my body by convincing myself everything was fine when instinctively my body was sending me signals otherwise. In this recent situation I avoided getting drawn into what would have been a bad, stressful situation, whereas in the past I would have been manipulated by the other person and only consciously realised much further down the track.

So I am finding such body awareness useful, not just in relation to releasing past experiences but being aware of current experiences and how to respond to them. I think with past experiences, once your body has experienced the release of one trauma or stressful experience, it has a kind of knowing now that this is possible. So it becomes a bit easier as you go along to work through and release past experiences, some of which may happen quite spontaneously. I know I am still in a process with it and have more to release, but I feel a lot more hopeful knowing it is possible and that I've released some stuff already. It is amazing how the body will increasingly start autocorrecting itself once it understands it can. I don't think it's a linear trajectory and you can go back and forth between different states, but overall I think the easing into a recalibrated, more balanced, peaceful and healed self is possible.

I hope you are having a lovely day.

Hugs,

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Sat, 03 Aug 2024 07:19:44 GMT

Hi ER,

I am really glad to hear you are getting better at feeling others negative energy. That is an intuitive sense I have always had, but not always listened to, but have learned, like yourself, to listen to it through experience. For me that is a gut feeling about someone in the first few minutes of meeting them. It's like I know what they are saying and the energy they are projecting are not aligned. It creates an instant distrust of their motives. Sometimes I can even look at a photo of someone and get that reaction. I don't feel other sensations in other parts of my body as yet, but that will come in time.

I have meaning to say that I gave you the wrong impression when I had the reading, it wasn't anything I was feeling but the words that were being relayed. I am only able to feel that energy if I am very emotional in the moment. One session, I was feeling emotional about an exercise we were doing involving my brother and I could definitely feel his energy in my heart. It is my hope that by removing the trapped emotions, those abilities will open up more without the need for an emotional state.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend,

indigo 💜

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

Eagle Ray — Sat, 03 Aug 2024 12:15:57 GMT

Hi indigo,

What you say about when people's energy does not match what they are saying is exactly what I am getting better and better at picking up on. If I walk away from an encounter feeling uneasy and asking myself questions about what was actually going on there, that is a sign something isn't right, because that just doesn't happen when people's words and energy are aligned. I too distrust their motives when I get that feeling of dissonance.

I understand now about the reading. That was me misinterpreting and assuming you meant you were sensing/feeling those things. I think I understand too about feeling when in an emotional state but wanting to be able access those feelings without the need of an emotional state. I think that eventually happens and it means being able to use those sensing and feeling capacities with a kind of calm, clarity and presence. I feel like I am starting to do that a little when I look at some very recent experiences. I was still drawn a bit into the emotions I tend to feel, including fear, but I've been able to kind of transcend that and largely let go of the fear. That is a very big change for me. It seems to also coincide with me starting to no longer freeze in situations but move through them. Before I would be stuck and dissociated, but now I am able to be more present with my sensing/feeling self in a calmer way and I find something in side of me is intuitively handling things and moving through them. It's kind of like there is an inner guide in there now who was perhaps sort of there before but I am much more in tune with that inner guide now.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend too 🤗

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

Guest_9989 — Sat, 03 Aug 2024 19:09:55 GMT

It sounds like you’ve been on a deep and enlightening journey to understand how your mental and physical health are connected. Realizing that your struggles with Dysthymia, Major Depression, and physical symptoms are linked can be overwhelming but also empowering.

It’s great that therapy and somatic work are helping you uncover and address underlying issues, even though it’s been tough at times. Understanding the role of trauma and how it affects your health is a big step forward.

Keep being patient with yourself as you continue this journey. It's impressive that you're taking charge of your healing and learning more about what works for you. Wishing you strength and continued progress.

Take care,

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Sun, 04 Aug 2024 10:02:37 GMT

Hi charliebrown,

Thank you for your response and encouragement, it sounds like you have some experience in these matters yourself.

Eagle Ray and I have been communicating on different threads for over a year now, we are on similar journeys and it helps having someone to talk with about the journey and the progress. Please feel free to join in the conversation if and when you wish, you will always be welcome.

I noticed you are new to the forums, so welcome and I hope you find the forums helpful on your journey.

Take care,

indigo

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

therising — Sun, 04 Aug 2024 18:29:45 GMT

Hi indigo

I'm so glad your graduation to greater and greater levels of self understanding is bringing you relief and inspiring revelations that can come with the process. Inspiring revelations can have an incredible feel to them.

When it comes to how the mental, physical and natural elements in us come to work together, I'd say a brilliant book would have to be 'Becoming Supernatural', by Joe Dispenza. He takes the triad and has the viewer see it through the lens of neuroplasticity, epigenetics and quantum physics. While covering the very basics of each and being able to put things into simple terms, this makes it an easy read for the lay person. I suppose a good example of how the 3 elements can work together could involve how the way we think can determine how some of our genes are expressed in certain ways (whether they're switched on or off). In changing our way of thinking and our actions/practices, certain genes can switch on. If we have a gene that allows us to better tap into the quantum field or energy field and that gene is switched on, we're naturally going to feel a heck of a lot more in life. In other words, our super natural or incredibly natural ability to feel or sense just about everything will come online. In this case, the questions can become 'What the heck is happening to me? Why have I suddenly become so emotional all of a sudden? Why can I feel so much energy in motion (aka 'e-motion)?'. Perhaps a more inspiring way of phrasing it is 'I am now switched on when it comes to feeling'. A side effect of this can see us suddenly wake up to who's not emotionally switched on or super sensitive to feeling. These would include all the insensitive people. Ever had the thought 'Why can that person not feel what they're saying to me?'?

I've heard it said that the body can go through a kind of recalibration period as we become switched on in such a way. Kind of like it has to release a lot of stuff so we're able to get a better feel for things or become a better channel for emotion. In other words, it can be hard to feel through a whole lotta stuff getting in the way or triggering us. While someone being cruel or degrading towards us can trigger deeply depressing emotions associated with past hurts, we can't actually feel them simply being a depressing self entitled a*****le, who believes they're entitled to say whatever they want' 😂. While we could accuse a person of being this way, they'll typically deny it but if we super sensitive we'll be able to feel them spouting nothing but poop 💩. Hope I got a laugh out of you.

I like the idea of 'coming to our senses' or coming into our senses. When you can sense your feelings and other people's feelings, when you can sense natural guidance (like Eagle Ray can), when you can sense the best way forward vs the worst way, when you can sense who's depressing and who's inspiring (who to emotionally detach from vs who to form a stronger connection with) and so on, life takes a super natural turn.

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 03:25:43 GMT

Hi therising,

I hope you have been keeping well.

I'm not sure if you have read through the entire thread so far but I have no problem feeling other peoples energy, it's very instinctual for me. And yes, there are many many examples of people who sprout poop but I avoid them and only connect with people who are more in touch with their emotional and instinctual selves.

I think the problem is that when I lost all of my family, I was overwhelmed with so much pain, anguish and uncertainty, that I disconnected mind from body, kind of a survival mechanism but without conscious awareness of it. Not too long after that, I had to deal with my own cancer without support from family in a new location where I knew only my neighbours. I was so young when I went into depression, I wasn't even aware of the signs let alone what to do about it. I believe that I needed a few years to come to terms with all of that loss before I could look more closely as I am now.

I love Joe Dispenza and have had all of his books for quite some time just waiting for the right time to read them. I did start on one of his books a few years ago but it just wasn't the right time. I haven't turned the TV on in over a year, have just been reading non fiction health related and spirituality related books. That happened because I sensed a prod that it was time (I'm sure you know what I mean by that).

Another part of the problem is that, prior to now, I have not thought of what I have been through as trauma. I think that is a result of my upbringing, the old world attitude of burying your emotions and 'pick yourself up and get on with it' way of dealing with things. I am now seeing things more clearly. I just recently finished reading 'The body keeps the score' and have a number of books by Gabor Mate and Peter Levine that I am working my way through, along with a multitude of others. This is my focus now, understanding what has been outside my conscious awareness for so long.

Thanks again and take care,

indigo

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

therising — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 09:00:23 GMT

Hi indigo

I have an absolutely shocking memory at times. I do now recall you touching on certain elements of spirituality. As I say, my memory is a shocker. I hope you don't take my poor memory personally 🙂❤️. Certain elements of spirituality can be easy to love, I think because some of what's outside the square tends to work when little inside the square can make a difference. So, it becomes about naturally gravitating toward what's outside the square (sometimes out of pure desperation), with pleasant surprises to be found.

While emotional detachment can end up being a seriously handy skill in some cases, it can definitely also lead to sufferance. We can end up consciously or non consciously thinking 'I'll detach from this, it'll make things easier. I'll detach from that, it'll make things less heartbreaking. I'll detach from these people and those people, these situations and those situations. I'll push it all down, so I won't feel it'. Such a strategy can offer some relief until it all comes bubbling to the surface or it leaves us feeling what 'numb' feels like or it leaves us feeling detached in many ways. I suppose the emotions are still there, they just take on a different form. With the 'normal' ways of living, according to those that came before us, feelings are seen as the kind of 'foolish things that can get in the way of life', rather than them being regarded as a part of our compass, directing us through life. I think with certain elements of spirituality becoming more mainstream and with certain areas of science now recognising there's something to some of that 'woo woo stuff' 😁, interesting times lay ahead. There's far more access to the kind of things we need more of in the way of self understanding.

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 09:48:41 GMT

Hi therising,

I totally get the memory thing, I think it comes with the territory, I have blocks of memory missing from my younger years.

I assume you know when I say spirituality, that I am not referring to religion. It's more about diving into the layers of who we actually are rather than what we have been brainwashed to believe for centuries.

I am not sure I would still be here if I hadn't detached, I was in a seriously bad state with consistent ideation for a couple of years. It was a coping strategy that worked when it was needed but is no longer needed. My role models did not handle emotions well at all. I have been stuffing them down since I was very young so heaven knows what will surface during the somatic work. Whatever comes up, I will be glad to release it finally. My psychotherapist has made the observation that I found strategies that helped me to survive and become more 'resilient', which is the same word my Social Worker used to describe me when I was doing talk therapy a few years ago.

Hope you are having lovely evening,

indigo

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

therising — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 19:13:53 GMT

Hi indigo

I think we find what works until it doesn't and then we graduate above and beyond that, to the next thing that works. Looking back, we can then say 'I can now understand why I adopted that strategy under the circumstances, with my limited knowledge at the time'. I think that's a way of being kinder to our self, instead of chastising our self for being 'foolish' or something along those lines.

I believe the most enjoyable thing about spirituality involves it allowing us to be a collector of ideas and practices. As we travel along life's path, with our trusty backpack, we can say 'I'll take a bit of that, maybe from Christianity, a bit of this from Buddhism, some of that from...'. So, we're never collecting any of the soul destroying elements of certain religions or faiths, only the soulful tools, ideas and practices. Our backpack is filled with a hotch potch of all the things that work for us.

I've found spirituality to promote a sense of wonder. I find it interesting, all the people in my life who simply refuse to wonder or imagine. For example, I've asked a number of people 'Do you ever hear the word 'you' in your inner dialogue or variations on that, as in 'You have got to leave that job' or 'You're hopeless' etc? I've been genuinely surprised by the number of people I know who actually relate to the 'you' factor. When I've asked them whether they wonder where that comes from, most refuse to wonder. They just flat out refuse. Personally, I can't help but wonder. Of course, there are plenty of theories on it, where it comes from. The thing I like about spirituality is it offers all possibilities, from many angles or perspectives. From psychological ones (elements of the ego talking to us), through to physiological ones (it's the way the brain's designed to work, with different parts communicating with other parts) and all the way through to intuition (natural guidance). Btw, I think a lot of people have the impression that spirituality rejects science, therefor it can be hard to have an open discussion about what could be classed as guidance. As I say to some folk I know 'I'm not asking you to believe in a particular idea, I'm simply asking you to imagine the possibility of it'.

I'll leave you with an amusing and fascinating article I read some time back, that I hope leads you to smile. Of course, given my memory, I may have already mentioned it 😁. The article was published in 2019. It involved a couple of researchers from Yale School of Medicine. While they were researching schizophrenia, they had the idea of interviewing people who hear voices yet don't suffer through hearing voices or dialogue like people with schizophrenia do. After gaining no ground with various groups of people, one of the 2 researchers noticed on his way home from work one day the number of stores that advertised 'Psychic readings'. He decided, with his colleague, to interview psychics who proclaim to hear voices (through clairaudience). As they mentioned, their research had nothing to do with believing or disbelieving in psychics, it was largely about finding out how these particular people manage the voices they hear (the good and the bad). A battery of tests, including brain scans, were performed in gaining a better understanding of 'voice hearing'. Through such an outside the square idea, they gained a lot of ground in their research. I smile when I say that I wonder what came to mind for that researcher on his way home. Perhaps it was something along the lines of 'This is completely outside the square but why don't you try interviewing psychics'. 😅

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Fri, 09 Aug 2024 04:23:53 GMT

Hi ER,

I have not replied to your latest thread because it is quite a specific subject and I want to allow someone a chance to respond who may have had that type of experience. I am so sorry you are being treated that way, you did the right thing walking away, but there is no controlling the way others will react to you standing up for what you believe to be the right thing. I find it difficult to understand that racial bias is still so rife, but I suppose it has a lot to do with the way people are raised and the lack of questioning their own beliefs. I am sure that you and I are very much alike in taking each person as they come regardless of their race. In fact, what race they are doesn't even enter my thoughts until I ask where they are from out of curiosity.

I hope the letter you have written will make the person think twice about the effect that kind of belief and conversation can have on others. I am so proud of you for walking away, it send a very loud message that needs to be heard.

Please keep me update on any progress.

My thoughts are with you,

indigo

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

Eagle Ray — Fri, 09 Aug 2024 06:25:47 GMT

Dear indigo,

Thank you so much for your support. I was doing my shopping in a neighbouring town yesterday. After getting home the neighbours seem to have gone quieter in terms of the verbal persecuting of me that I’ve had to listen to on a daily basis. I’m wondering if the woman who I wrote the letter to has read it and told them about it. I seriously doubt they will be in any way apologetic and will probably stick by their prejudice, but they might at least stop continuously having a go at me. I feel like something has energetically shifted and I’ve managed to stand tall in the face of racism. At the end of the day, I think they probably know deep down they are wrong in their prejudice but they cling to it nonetheless. And, yes, I’m sure it is the way they have been brought up and the dominant attitudes that have prevailed in their world.

In a way they’ve done me a favour in that I can feel I really don’t belong in my town. I’m already planning to leave now, though it may take me a few months to work out the logistics and exactly where to go. I need to be somewhere where there is more open-mindedness and open-heartedness. I have noticed a tendency to persecute in this town over any issue that doesn’t fit a narrow definition of what is considered “normal”. I can actually feel the social pressure others feel to toe the line in order to fit in and I cannot conform to that.

I will just have to protect myself for the remainder of time that I’m living here. I feel strong and clear though and it’s given me the impetus to change things and move on.

How are you going? I hope it has been a good week.

Take care,

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

Eagle Ray — Fri, 09 Aug 2024 09:16:35 GMT

Dear indigo,

Thank you kindly for your support. I did reply to you a while ago but it hasn’t appeared. I haven’t received a message from mod support so I don’t know if it’s stuck in moderation or disappeared into the ether. I’ll just wait to see if it appears.

Hope you you have been going ok and that you have a lovely weekend.

Thanks again 🙏

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Mon, 12 Aug 2024 03:51:20 GMT

Hi ER,

I reported the missing post over the weekend and it has shown up now.

Wow, you have made some seriously good progress recently. You are so much more sure of yourself and it is a delight to hear how you are able to manage situations that a few months ago would have been unmanageable for you.

I have no doubt you will find the right location where you will be welcome and unhampered by social pressures. No one should need to conform to the needs of the few who think they have all the power. I found my location and it is a large enough population so that not everyone knows everyone else's business, but small enough to avoid the traffic and parking problems of a larger town. I know my neighbours and we are very friendly but we are not in each others pockets. For me it is the perfect scenario and I know you will find something similar that is your perfect scenario.

I think I am making a bit of progress also although I can't necessarily verbalise it yet, it's more a feeling at the moment. I only have 4 more appointments with my therapist before she goes on maternity leave for 12 months. She is going to try to find someone she feels would be suitable for my needs to fill in during that time, most likely on line as there are not a lot of therapists like her this far from the larger towns but I am okay with that.

Hope you have a lovely week and get to spend some time in nature doing what you love.

indigo 💜

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

Eagle Ray — Mon, 12 Aug 2024 07:58:47 GMT

Thank you indigo 🙏

Your town sounds like a good balance in terms of its size. I feel like it would be good for me to be a part of a community where a bit more is happening. The place I’m now thinking of is quite a bit larger actually. It would mean more things happening in terms of arts and cultural things, a movie cinema, social groups etc. When I arrived in my current town my mental and physical health totally collapsed. It didn’t matter at all that it was quiet and I still love the quiet actually. But I feel socially isolated here and increasingly like I don’t fit. I had thought it might be my forever home but that now starts to feel like a trap that will restrict my well-being and happiness in the long term.

Right now I’m sitting under a beautiful tree canopy on a forest walk in a neighbouring town. I’m about to do some grocery shopping here. I find myself not wanting to go home so it is obviously a strong drive at the moment to not be there.

I’m glad you feel you are making some progress. Yes, I know what you mean. Sometimes you can feel things are shifting even if there are not words for it yet. It is good your current therapist can refer you on to someone else for a while. My sessions with my psych are online and it really works fine. It makes it so easy too, just connecting from your own home.

Hope you have a lovely week too. Thanks so much again for your support ☺️

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

indigo22 — Sat, 31 Aug 2024 03:22:19 GMT

Hi ER,

I just wanted to check in with you to see how things are going. I have been a bit busy answering posts and realised we haven't connected for a couple of weeks.

Are you still working through Mark's book and the exercises? If so, how is that going?

Have you had any more thoughts about where you might want to relocate to?

Would love to hear how you are and what you have been doing since we last spoke.

Hope you are having a good weekend,

indigo 💜

Re: Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

Eagle Ray — Sat, 31 Aug 2024 07:33:18 GMT

Dear indigo,

Thank you so much for getting in touch. Well I planned to do the exercises in Mark's book but I seem to have gone down a similar path without doing them yet, especially in relation to some healing-in-family-context issues which seem to be now shifting and moving into a healing pattern anyway. But I did listen to a podcast with Mark last night after going to bed and I get much benefit from what he has to say. And I still want to do the exercises! One thing I am noticing is an increased capacity to begin to go through stuff of my parent's including things involving projects they started that were part of their dreams in life but they could never actualise. The fact that I can even consider looking at those things now without being destroyed by grief is significant progress.

I am going to a couple of locations in a few days to look at a possible new place to live, much bigger than where I am now. I've been drawn to the remote all my life as a way of escaping people in order to feel safe. I've realised the only time my nervous system is completely at ease is in nature where no people are present. As soon as I see a person I go into automatic hypervigilance, even though I like people and I'm still friendly with them. But I'm learning that with complex trauma you can only heal in relationship with others, not in isolation. The past wounding was interpersonal, and so the only way to fully heal is through healthy, corrective interpersonal experiences that let me know people can be safe.

I am considering a regional centre to live in that is proximate to a city - in another state! So although it is a bit of a cost to me to travel there I have managed to get discount airfares and accommodation and I will get a feel if it's the right place. The part of me guiding myself there is like that innate knowing part, like something bigger than me is guiding me. I just found myself making the bookings for things, like a deeper part of me knows this is what I need to do. If I stay here, I can feel I am going to stagnate more and more over time. I feel safe in the physical environment here and it has held me while I have gone through so much pain, but the human environment does not feel right for me and I have a feeling I will never quite belong here. It's actually a good sign I want to reconnect somewhat with the world of people, that I am less shutdown than I was. And I just need to find some like-minded souls I can feel genuinely safe with. I think I'm someone who will always have a need for my own space, but balanced with meaningful contact with others.

How have you been going? Was your therapist able to link you up with someone else while she is away? In some ways it feels like you've had some similar experiences to me, such as that feeling of kind of losing family. I can empathise with what it feels like when you don't have that kind of safety net or familial context in which to kind of feel belonging in. But I'm finding for myself that there is also something freeing in being my own agent and being able to start directing my life into contexts where I do feel connection and belonging. It sounds like you have made some good connections, such as with your good therapist who is on the same wavelength.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend indigo and thanks again for being so kind and thoughtful 🙏😊