topic Re: Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late? in Depression

Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late?

LostPigeon407 — Thu, 18 Jan 2024 06:01:13 GMT

So I am now turning 29 in March, not long away and my only income is just Centrelink DSP. I have over $45,000 of savings, I have my driving licence and own a vehicle, But unfortunately I've never had direction for which industries or entry jobs I want to work. I am realistic it's very hard to get a job when I have no work experience or net work to help me and with nothing on my resume despite a year of Salvo's volunteering and minimal assistance with brick laying. I only finished Year 12 high school in 2013 with Foundation VCAL and I am not eligible or even the academic devoted personality for University, despite having a interest in Nutrition, Counselling & Theology.

I often get upset because since 7 years ago I was diagnosed with pre diabetes and I'm always angry about that and having to live this way now. I'm also under psychiatry treatment for a severe diagnosis that I don't agree with and they otherwise wrongly think I am something like asperges and it's absolutely not true. I love living with my family, but I hate my father and I am financially dependent on him. I also was bullied by high school crap friends that lasted for a decade and they impacted my confidence socially and they made my suffering worse by enjoying my misfortunes. They were undermining, hypocritical, speaking on my behalf, spreading rumours and calling me un wanted names and judging the way I was living and giving me labels that I had to be told quite frequently, they also were insensitive generally. I've had no contact for the last 5 years.

I always wanted to be creative with music or comedy aspirations but I blame my father and my school relationship's to ruin my esteem to ever try, and now with the involuntary pharmaceuticals I just feel I will never have confidence.

Re: Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late?

Miss_Anonymous — Fri, 19 Jan 2024 02:47:59 GMT

Hi Lost Pigeon! I'm sorry you're feeling lost and unhappy. I think you are definitely not too late to achieve your dreams. I'm 41 and from my perspective you seem quite young still! You sound like you have some achievements behind you already with work experience in brick laying and volunteering, a lot of money in savings and your driving licence and owning a vehicle. These things show you can set a goal and achieve it when you want to. Well done! I think you could definitely think about some study or applying for entry level jobs in 2024. I think you should talk to your local university about what you would need to get entry into a course in nutrition or counselling and theology. You say you are not eligible, but some unis have bridging courses and foundational courses that you can take to start off. Or there are tests you can study for as a mature age student which you can use instead of your grades in school, if those grades aren't enough to get you into uni. I think you should also try to be creative in your free time with music or comedy aspirations. Why don't you have a go at a music lesson? I understand you feel unconfident but I'm sure you could find a music teacher who was encouraging of beginners and who could help you build your confidence. Maybe you could reach out to someone in your local area and ask if they can help you.

I appreciate it is difficult having diabetes. I have epilepsy so I know how you feel about the involuntary pharmaceuticals. I always hated what my epilepsy medications did to my mind and body and I hated the feeling like there were things I couldn't do. I think a disability doesn't have to stop you though - I think you can achieve your dreams despite having diabetes and I'm sure once you start giving things a try you'll realise that it doesn't have to hold you back. You will have some days where you have to go to appointments, or where you are sick, and I think that is unfortunate, but I think if you take the medicine, most days you will be able to do what you need to just like you did before the diabetes. I think confidence is a hard thing to build, but I found when I was younger that I didn't want to let the lack of self confidence stop me, so I just went ahead and did things despite not feeling confident about them. Often I was pleasantly surprised about how people said nice and encouraging things to help me build confidence, and now I am a lot more confident than I was at your age. Please ignore your father and the stupid bullying friends - you do not need these people in your life. Its better to just give them a wide berth if they are not helping you. I'm sure as you do new activities like music and uni you will meet other new people who treat you better and are nice to you. If you meet someone who isn't nice, just avoid them!

Anyway maybe others can chime in too.

Hope things get better for you, as I think you have plenty of reasons to be confident about yourself!

Re: Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late?

LostPigeon407 — Wed, 24 Jan 2024 11:52:27 GMT

Thanks so much for your response Miss Anonymous, I'm going to try and remind myself that my high school bullies don't define the world and how people can treat me. The good news is my diabetes is managed without any metformin or medications, it's all controlled through my eating discipline. I was only over by .1 but it was due to the pharmaceuticals. I feel happy with having my driving but I know that I only achieved it since I had the DSP and Centrelink pension which makes me feel bitter sweet and lucky, I am hoping to try some work for a few hours per week and maybe think a bit if I wanted any entry studies with Nutrition, Theology or Counselling. I just haven't done school work since 2011 because all my drama's started in 2012 and I cut off school relationship's 5 years after having had them for 6 years before during my high schooling. I was just younger and wanting to forgive and keep trying, Until I realized I didn't have to anymore and that it's my choice wither I liked them or not. I get emotional how I've partially blamed my Dad since 14 that he was the reason I couldn't be musical, even when his just behind the T.V. or working during the week and I feel I was able to do more and that I was just weak hearted but I also still feel I just can't because I don't like the idea of him knowing, So I could never work towards creative dreams because than he would know. I feel at times he wants to talk to me but is un sure wither I'm in the mental state or mood or wither there's tension. I just have always adopted the man of few words with him but when his friendly I'm responsive. It's more my own mind more than what reality ever is, I'm more in my head as a Introvert type, I'm the INFJ personality type. I didn't disclose my diagnosis that lead to my pharmaceuticals since 2012 in the post you replied to, but I just rather have made some dumb choices that caused it, I haven't agreed with my diagnosis but it's such a long dozen years that I can't talk my way out of their genuine reasons to see things from their different belief. I just hate that I have to get medical reviews to keep driving and I feel I'm under all this professional concern and I can't prove their wrong with the diagnosis. I'm going to think about the mature age student and all the other University advice you mentioned about the Uni bridging and foundational things. Sorry to hear about your epilepsy, are you eligible or able to drive with that too was just curious. Again thanks for responding.

Re: Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late?

yours_truly — Fri, 26 Jan 2024 09:09:38 GMT

Hey there LostPigeon407,

A warm welcome to the forums and a sincere congratulations on building up the courage to reach out. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling and unconfident. I can understand that sometimes we get so lost in our anger and hopelessness that we may feel it is too late for anything. I can assure you, anything is possible as long as you have the will to work hard and achieve it. Nothing is too late if you start working now. Too late is when you spend more time telling your self it's too late instead of actually ding something. It is a lie that only students in their 20's can join uni, so just go for it if you would like to.

your self-esteem is very important and I hope you know that one bad experience, or even a thousand bad experiences toppled into one bunch, should never be enough to break you down. What matters is your own opinion of yourself. Your high school bullies should not be the reason you do not find the pathway you want. You also said it yourself that you graduated high school in 2013, it is currently 2024 and more than a decade later, it is time to leave it in the past and rebuild yourself. Rebuild your confidence and become a person that you adore and love for who you are.

Maybe, I would recommend looking at jobs at places like beyond blue, headspace or any other organisation linked closely to mental health. You said you were interesting in counselling. This would allow for your conditions to be taken with great value and it will not hinder your ability to get a job. I would also recommend you apply for some work experience. You will not get paid for work experience, but you are able to add it to your resume. You are able to find free classes(most have a minor fee associated), for skills you can add to your resume. This may include first aid, IT skills or anything relate to the areas of study you are interested in.

I hope you find value in the person that you are. I can see you want to change things around and that will is enough,

Yours_truly

A few things bother me.

LostPigeon407 — Thu, 01 Feb 2024 06:13:22 GMT

I don't like mingling with society, I have became rather inept since I don't like people unless their warm, friendly or understanding. I am too genuine and people are often socially superficial or they look through others with stigma, If I don't have much insecurity I'm maybe vulnerable to have others being judgmental. People can be fake and hypocritical too and I find it too hard to believe in myself with anyone beyond my immediate family.

I am nothing like my father though and when he's home at 4 pm. I don't have the same confidence to talk or feel upset about my life, He just wants me to stay quiet when I try talking to my mother or sometimes tells me to leave home. I just feel I'm digesting my issues and also having to keep distant and peaceful from him. Though I can't afford to have the standards I want on my own with a mortgage and I love being at home with my Mother and Brother despite my Dad's differences.

I also feel bothered since I've never been able to experience other Western countries to see which nationality I like socially and with their personality, beliefs, culture or which country I just like in general or wither I am happier to be in Australia, I just hate feeling xenophobic from really ever knowing.

I've also always wanted to be musical, even if just as a hobbie when alone, but since 2008 I've had no situations to believe in myself, since I overcame high school people that I don't like. Even on rare occasions when my father's sister comes over, it makes me feel beneath anything she thinks, and even having dealt with my Dad's friend Daniel can make me feel pissed off too when I look back on it.

Re: A few things bother me.

quirkywords — Thu, 01 Feb 2024 09:24:53 GMT

Lostpigeon

Thanks for your post .

Did it help writing the things that bother you. I find writing helps make things clear.

I dont like big groups either.

Do you have someone you can talk to.

Re: A few things bother me.

LostPigeon407 — Fri, 02 Feb 2024 04:30:25 GMT

Legitimately that's why I make posts on Beyond Blue, Other than that I have maybe two others that I occasionally can talk too though. I just post for feedback.

Re: Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late?

LostPigeon407 — Fri, 02 Feb 2024 07:40:02 GMT

Hey Yours_truly, I see your post saying that even a thousand experiences shouldn't define my confidence. I merely just am a INFJ personality type, I don't like conflict with anyone and I find everyone's too bias and confident with themselves, even if it's believed a lot of people lack esteem also. I can't have self esteem when I'm under psychiatry and a diagnosis that I've never agreed with. I can't be happy with having my belly stretch marks and when I became pre diabetic because of forced involuntary un wanted pharmaceuticals. I don't like how the world is leaving Christianity & lacking spiritual beliefs, I experience it all the time and I'm tired of being told it's a mental illness, when it's not, and when I can differentiate it's not. I also hate my generations music and how they approach creativity and I'm always feeling that I'm a mixture of Gen X / Boomer / Gen Z rather than my generation. I don't look forward to a world without the Boomers / Gen Xers.

Re: Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late?

Bbydoll — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 16:18:54 GMT

Hi LostPigeon, definitely look into doing a bridging course, if you can at university. I think, most of them are free. I would also suggest speaking with the disability support on campus, they can help you if you need extra time or support for essays. Plus I'm sure they'll be a wealth of helpful hints. It's never to late to learn, or try new things. I'm a natural introvert too, but love learning, and am much older than you. I briefly tried doing a bridging course at my local university but unfortunately my physical health issues got in the way. I was in several classes, and most were mature age - of all ages! They also had peer support, so other students who've gone through what you go through and help you out as well. My local university was full of helpful people. So yes it might be a scary situation at first, but everyone will be there to cheer you on, teachers, staff, and students. Just break it down into one step at a time. You've achieved more than a lot of people. I'm sure you can put your mind into this too. (It actually helps your mental health, by focusing on your dreams and goals, instead of the negative voices) - I speak from experience here! Good luck.

Re: Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late?

LostPigeon407 — Mon, 05 Feb 2024 09:54:29 GMT

Thanks for your response Bbydoll, I know my Psychiatrist has told me about the support in place with studying, I don't like feeling under a disability since I don't agree with my given diagnosis, but I also feel I need support in ways that most others wouldn't. The trouble with myself, I know that it's always a dream with creativity but I always wanted to be musical, Just since I had all my troubles with Psychiatry and with school bullies it basically took me away from ever being able to try. There's numerous things that make me feel repressed from trying, but either I am bothered by the idea or the belief of things that others don't take the time to think about. I know a career in Nutrition would feel pretty great, but it's more about when it's not your first choice. I wrestle with the idea wither I just want music as a hobbie. I believe if I had a different personality I would be actively pursuing it though. There's feelings I have with my generation amongst other things, I guess I have a lot of un popular opinions that uniquely make me not go for anything like that. I sort of want to make a post about it, but it seems too superficial since this forum is more about mental health issues.

Greatly concerned!

LostPigeon407 — Fri, 09 Feb 2024 15:40:46 GMT

I have no direction for which entry jobs I want to work. I don't want University or anything from TAFE either, Unless if I ever did Nutrition. I am nearing 30. It also gives my psychiatrist further reason to look down my intelligence or mental health. Even if other people could have a similar existential crisis at my age, I'm only treated as maybe hopeless since I am under the opinion of the doctors. I hate that my lack of interest and direction is believed to be because of a diagnosis that I don't agree with having. I know that I'm suffering with spirituality but it's never believed and the thing that bothers me is even though I know it's genuine, It can't be proven.

Re: Greatly concerned!

therising — Fri, 09 Feb 2024 22:09:55 GMT

Hi LostPigeon407

While people speak of feelings as being things like 'sadness', 'anger', 'stress' etc etc, I'd have to say next level feeling becomes more specific, not simply summarised by a single word. For example, 'Twisting in the wind with no sense of direction' is a feeling. 'A lack of solid and inspiring guidance' is also something that can be felt. 'No one I can relate to' has a definite feel to it (aka being able to feel what 'completely and utterly alone' feels like). Then comes a whole other challenge in some cases, when people tell you that what you're feeling or getting a sense of is wrong. 'You don't have a lack of guidance, you have a good psychologist, for example'. You could then say, with all confidence and with no self doubt (if you completely trusted your feelings) 'Well why don't I feel myself heading in any positive direction? Why don't I feel any difference being made? Why don't I feel solid guidance? Why do I not feel any form of inspiration?'.

The path of spirituality, dang it's a challenging one for sure. When you're the only person in your life who wants to travel along it and explore it, it's one heck of a lonely path. I'm a proud self proclaimed 'woo woo gal' (regarding mainstream spirituality, not any specific religion). Took a while to get there, to the point of feeling proud of it and confident in it but I'm glad I stuck with it. The best advice I was ever given in this area was 'Find people who are going to grow you in the area you want to grow in'. Finding people who are just going to degrade you becomes pretty depressing. For every 100 people you find who tell you 'the dark night of the soul' concept is a load of rubbish, you can find 100 who'll tell you that's what they feel they experienced. For every 100 people who will tell you 'spiritual emergency' is a load of rubbish, you can find 100 who'll tell you that's exactly what they felt. So, all depends on who you speak to.

The same guy who advised me to find the people who'll grow me also advised 'It can become depressing to leave the path you feel that best serves you, in order to please or be accepted by other people'. He advised 'You are going to come across people who'll throw mud and sh** at you. You need to learn to 1)stay on your path and 2)wash off the mud'. You wouldn't believe it but on my way home from seeing him that day, I stopped at a red light and looked over to find a billboard for washing detergent. In big letters it read 'WASH OFF THE MUD'. Life can be magical that way. 😊

The thing about finding the people we best vibe with is...we don't have to prove anything to them. You don't have to prove what they can fully relate to. All you have to do is share with each other what you can relate to. ❤️

Re: Greatly concerned!

LostPigeon407 — Tue, 13 Feb 2024 11:03:11 GMT

Thanks for your comment therising. I definitely have heard that quote before "Find the tribe, that you vibe with" I just agree with your statement about not having to prove to others what they can't relate with, but only sharing what you relate with. The only troubling thing might be, you might be like another culture or nationality or who knows, but you can't always afford to see everywhere your interested in or have general insight. I believe God works in mysterious ways, I don't have the explanation for the billboard, but I firmly believe it's mysteriously spiritual.

Re: Greatly concerned!

therising — Tue, 13 Feb 2024 19:50:03 GMT

I can relate to the affordability side of things and researching different cultures through physical travel. Something to aim for in the future, which should encourage me to save. I tend to more so travel through books and my laptop. This way, I can travel into the minds of great authors, can travel back in history in order to see how great cultures worked, travel into the worlds of psychology, biology, spirituality and more. So many places to go in order to gain insight.

I like to imagine some of the stuff or magic that comes to mind to be of a spiritual nature. While I've had people say 'That's all just coincidence' or 'That's all in your head', I figure if I can't use my imagination to gain a sense of magic in life, what's the point in having an imagination? While we could all imagine something different, something that provides a sense of ease and amazement in life, why not make a choice when it comes to that thing. A harmless and innocent choice which comes to serve us is a good choice I believe.

When it comes to the billboard, the magic wasn't necessarily in the billboard being there, the magic was in choosing to take a different route home and it was in what came to mind with the thought 'Look around', which led me to do just that and, in turn, see the billboard. It's like the magic's also not necessarily in being in the right place at the right time, for example, it's in all the little timings that led up to being in the right place at the right time (leaving the house, the traffic etc). If one of those was out, we'd be in the right place at the wrong time. The magic may also have been in what came to mind to mind for us to begin with, 'You need to leave home now'. I've learned over time to stop saying 'Something told me to do that. I should have done it, I should have listened'. It's something we often hear from people, 'I should have listened to and trusted what came to mind. Next time'. For such intuition or tuition for life, we pay with our attention. That's all it costs, our attention. 🙂

A lot more to think about.

LostPigeon407 — Sat, 17 Feb 2024 04:46:06 GMT

Another reason I can't have confidence is because I am turning 29 in March with only 1 year of volunteer history and no payed history or direction, Since I don't want to do any apprenticeships or construction. I don't want to work in a factory, sales, retail, hospitality. I don't want anything with computers or hairdressing. To do University and have tuition and 4 years of intense studying is not what I want to do, I'm not dreaming to be a Dietician or a Counsellor despite having a small interest if comparing to anything else. I haven't done VCE Year 12 when I graduated high school in 2013. I am not a academic driven personality and I hate studying. I'm also worried because of the economy and cost of modern Australian living. I just can't advance my life and figure out direction.

I also hate that because I made suicidal mistakes from 2012 - 2014 I have became wrongly diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I knew what I was doing back then, but it's the way I was choosing to be during those times in my prior life. I only did my suicidal mistakes because I was without money, work direction, I overcame high school and I was still dealing with two of those people here and again. I also was heavily infatuated with a girl that I could never have and that was the main reason it all put me in a destructive phase. Now I have to be on un wanted involuntary pharmaceuticals and live with belly stretch marks and remission pre diabetes. I have to have medical certificates and potential eventual occupational assessments just to drive, despite having a automatic regular licence, even when I am not actually suffering from a mental debilitating illness. They all treat me as indenyl it's just something I can't win against the doctors and second reviews are pointless basically. I hate being around therapists or doctors how their talking to me in a manner because they mistakenly believe I'm Schizophrenic. They treat misdiagnosis as a rarity that never happens because they can't be wrong, even when misdiagnosis is common.