topic Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore. in Depression

I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

GoldenSerpent — Tue, 01 Aug 2023 14:50:30 GMT

I'm not living and life seems to hard. I haven't worked for 6 years, after having a back injury, I was a nurse of 20 years. I suffer from daily depression and anxiety. I don't have any friends and spend every day mostly by myself. No one invites me out or gives me support. No one comes around to see how i'm going. It's been so long I don't even know how to make lasting friendships and keep them. I am in a 19 year relationship with my partner who has an ongoing illness. We sleep in separate rooms. It's been a sexless relationship for about 5 years now. I don't even get any effection or closeness at all. I get incredibly sexually frustrated and lonely at night, to the point where it is unbearable. I have become heavily addicted to porn and masturbation every day/night. To the point where it has become a disorder/disability. Every day I have used it for 5 years without a day off. I tried to stop for one day and the cravings/images in my head got so bad. That I thought I could loose control of myself if I went out in public, it really scared me. At the end of last year I lost all my life savings to an online scam. I had to apply for centerlink, but the money I get would not even pay for the cheapest rent accommodation price. All my money goes to bills, I can't afford a social life, I was seeing a psychologist and he thought I should see a psychiatrists. But now I can't afford ether. I'm trying to get disability support pension. But centerlink said I could be waiting upto 6-12 months. I feel lonely, isolated, depressed, sad, stuck, rejected, I crave affection so badly. I hate the way my life is and think of suicide at least twice a week. I tried to explain my feelings and thoughts to my partner but she does not understand my needs, nor can she help me. I even gave her some opinions but she will not exept any of them. I don't want to sell or loose our house I worked hard for and I can't afford to live anywhere else. It really seems to me that i'm all out of opinions. I am so miserable, I feel dead and all I see is darkness. I am in my early 50's. I need some serious help. I'm on a lot of medications, some that make me drowsy. I have trouble sleeping at night. I'm just existing from day to day, while my life goes by. I don't see things changing. To many issues to work through, it's so overwhelming.

Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

Bob_22 — Wed, 02 Aug 2023 06:16:15 GMT

Hi GoldenSerpent,

It sounds like things have been incredibly tough for you, especially since your back injury. It also must have been devastating to lose your life savings. I can't imagine what that's like.

I have major depressive disorder and have been on a host of medications for almost 10 years now. I've had my own experiences where I feel like I'm just passive and life is passing me by. With everything going on I feel like your mental health is the best place to start. Depression is a difficult beast to tame but I find it gets a bit easier when I incorporate regular aerobic exercise. This was recommended to me by my psychiatrist who says at least two sessions of 30 minutes of aerobic exercise per week can be just as effective as medication for depression. I know you have a back injury so potentially you could look at something low impact like swimming?

It's also important through all this to maintain a social life. Strong ties with family, friends and the community provide us with happiness, security, support and a sense of purpose. Being connected to others is important for our mental and physical wellbeing and can be a protective factor against depression. I know it is a resource for older people but the attached handbook has some great general information on getting connected socially: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/docs/default-source/resources/408362_0318_bl1366_hrnt.pdf

I find debriefing with someone at least once a week to be very therapeutic. This is at least a good place to start.

I hope some of the things I've mentioned are helpful. Just know if anything we are here to listen and support you. Please keep us updated on how you're going.

Bob

Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

GoldenSerpent — Wed, 02 Aug 2023 13:18:01 GMT

Hi Bob. Thank you for your response. It was some help, as I think you are right in regards to swimming. When I had rehab, I found that Hydrotherapy was very helpful and so I know swimming will be also. I wanted to start at the gym again which includes pool and spa in the membership. But I stopped it awhile back due to money issues. I will checkout those links you sent me. Things are just about to get harder for me. As I just broke up with my partner of 19 years tonight. I said to her, do you want to be in a relationship with me? Because there are things we need to work on. She said "I don't think we are". I said "well I was under the impression we where, is it yes or no, it's a simple question, because i'm confused and i'm not coping the way things are". She was very nasty to me and said "no then, happy, now you are free to f*#k other woman. Thats what you want right". I said "you don't have to talk to me like that and you know there is much more to it than that". She than told me to get out of her room and go away. She does not understand my situation, my needs. Every time I try to talk with her, I get hostility. So now we are going to sell our house. I don't know what will happen to me, as I don't have anywhere to live, she does and with the money I get, $700 a fortnight. I carn't even afford the cheapest rent. Plus I have my much loved cat I will not part with. She is my best and only friend. Everything seems hopeless and to much to cope with. I don't know how I will go totally on my own anyway. It scares me a lot and not helping my anxiety. To many things to deal with at once. It seems my whole life is falling apart, i'm loosing everything. Thanks for taking the time to read my comments Bob. Hope your week is going well for you?

Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

Ponder — Wed, 02 Aug 2023 23:28:04 GMT

I hear you, Golden Serpent. The transition from my wife's was extremely difficult. Several years later, I, too, struggle with porn addiction. The issue for me has been worrying over what seems like a myth – ‘that if you don't masturbate a certain number of times a month, you are prone to testicular cancer or bouts of testicular pain.’ I have had issues with the latter (I think more related to illness elsewhere in the body/infection), and while I do seem to get relief after masturbating, I'm not quite sure if I should subscribe to such a. My point is, I do fine abstaining and much prefer not to bother myself with such a chore as I actually find porn addiction extremely demoralizing. For those of us with compulsive issues (most humans today) porn can be a trap like most other drugs and one many of us today use to replace those previously given up.

Secondary and more impactful for me are the intimacy and rift issues that tend to develop for those of us where no more sex and separate rooms become a thing. While I find porn addiction demoralizing, the lack of intimacy is even more disabling for me. I think it was about 25+ years into our relationship before my wife's illness impacted our sex life and sleeping in the same bed. The co-dependency on that alone, combined with my need for close contact, took a major hit. I’m a very sensitive human ‘being’ that thrives on touch (‘Not Sexual’) when it comes to those closest to me. I’m talking more an inherent state of being than a ‘developmental neediness from a life of rejection’ although that too can relate to compulsive issues. I digress, the point here is acknowledging how we tick and what aspects take the greater hit.

Understanding our sensitivities as well as our partners can help with acceptance and ease the burden on depression. My wife’s frustration, despair and feelings of inadequacy resultant from her illness that led to no more sex, separate rooms and a major hit on intimacy is as much a hit for her as it is for me. I will say that my inherent need for close contact is much higher than hers, and whilst the separation and depression has created a rift in that for me ... things like phones and other electronic devices have since widened that rift.

I have a lot more in common with what you said but will just leave this as is for now.

I too struggle in a cold world with little desire but am thankful for the Sun.

I hope you’re feeling better after expressing. Your sharing has helped me. Thx.

Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

Bob_22 — Wed, 09 Aug 2023 03:51:48 GMT

Hi GoldenSerpent,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear that you have separated from your partner. It sounds like it has been tough and I can understand that no doubt your relationship has been strained from everything that is going on for you. I'm also sorry to hear that you will be selling your house. You are right, $700 a fortnight is not much to afford rent. Perhaps you could look into community housing which is government subsidised private rentals? Here is some more information here about it: https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/housing/help/ways/community-housing

My week is going ok thank you. I'm having a tough time as I am trying to juggle a couple commitments atm including work, study and volunteering here on the forums but overall I seem to be doing okay. I can't wait to finish TAFE in a few months though so I have some time freed up. Thanks for listening.

Bob

Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

GoldenSerpent — Sun, 10 Dec 2023 06:45:17 GMT

Hi Bob, sorry I have taken so long to get back to you with a response. Life is still just the same as I have mentioned above. I find that I have no purpose in life anymore. I still have my house at the moment and that`s really all I have. I spend most of my time by myself, day and night, nights are the hardest of all. I`m still on Job Seeker though I do not have to look for work, as my doctor gives me a certificate and at the moment Centre Link is still excepting them. I applied for Disability Pension, but had it rejected for lack of medical evidence, this was due, I believe, to the doctors clinic putting it all onto disk and Centrelink do not except disks. So I had to transfer it all over onto USB stick, then upload it to the website, one file at a time. There was about one thousand items and it took me about 3 full days to do so, as their website runs slow. By that time they had already done the disability assessment on me. So I went to Centrelink and they said that I could fill in a disability review form, if I was unhappy with the result, which I have done. I most likely will not hear anything about that till next year now. While this has been happening, I have been starting to have some problems with short term memory, plaining things, multi-tasking, spelling, mathematics. My depression has been really bad along with my mood being low, no motivation to do anything, frustration and irritability. I went to my doctor and got an MRI done and they found that I have a cystic lesion in my frontal lobe of my brain. This has caused a part of my frontal lobe nervous system in my brain to not be able to communicate with another part, which is permanent, I believe. Plus, it looks as if there has been a bit of a bleed there as well. Two weeks ago I had Covid for the second time and this time it was a lot worse than before, I have recovered but still have ongoing brain fog. I am waiting now to see a neurologist at the end of January for a cognitive and movement assessment. I will look into the community housing, thanks for that information, but right now I think that I will wait and see how things go with getting the Disability Pension and the neurologist assessment.

So have you finished TAFE now? I bet you are glad it`s over and have some free time on your hands, as you say. So what are your plans through the holiday season?

Thanks Bob for staying in touch, it`s good to know that at least I have someone to talk with.

Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

GoldenSerpent — Sun, 10 Dec 2023 08:20:06 GMT

Hi Ponder. Thank you for your comment, I`m glad that it has helped you. It has also helped me to know that there is someone else I can talk with that knows where I am coming from. Because, as you also know, it is not very easy to talk about this subject due to the stigma surrounding it. Thanks for reaching out to me and it would be good to stay intouch with you, if you are okey with this. Sorry I have taken so long to respond to you, there have been quite a few things more going on in my life and at the moment things are not getting any better. I have been feeling really down lately and the loneliness/frustration is horrible, it does not get any easier as time go`s on. I really don`t know how to get out of my situation, the porn/masturbation has taken over my life and you are right, it is a drug. For some people its not, it`s recreational, but for you and I it is as you say, a drug. It`s more than just the pleasure.....it`s like a friend, as it takes away the loneliness if only for a few hours, it`s an escape from reality, it gives me comfort and support, it is a way of self medicating, it`s a trance like meditation in itself, it also makes the time go by a lot faster, have you noticed? I really can`t escape from it, there is so many much around outdoors and on TV that can be a trigger to go and do it. I wish I could replace it with the real thing, but when the drive comes on, I need that gratification right there and then. Everything else seems boring in life except for that, it`s now like that's all I live for. When I do go outdoors, I see couples hugging and happy or love scenes on TV and it makes me very sad and even tearful. I crave for that really badly, to feel needed, wanted. Like you, I am also a very sensitive guy, I let my emotions get the better of me often, I don`t release them in an angry way but keep them within. Like you I love intimacy and affection, it means a lot to me. But if I was to break away from this addiction, where would I start in finding someone? It`s been so long in a relationship, it scares me, I am very self conscious of myself when talking to ladies now. I really don`t know how to keep them interested in me, in a conversation or to keep the conversation going for that matter. Because I think that they will find me boring. What do I have to talk about? I find myself boring, my life is boring and depressing.

What you have said here, I also have read that. "If you don`t have sex regularly as a guy you may end up with testicular cancer", like you, I don`t know how true that is?

I think the fact that I don`t have a job, that I don`t have any friends to invite me out places and so much time on my hands, by myself in the day and night has helped contribute to my situation.

Happy Christmas & New Year mate. Will not take quite so long to respond next time.

Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

randomxx — Sun, 10 Dec 2023 11:04:18 GMT

Hi there op , l've just noticed your thread so had a read.

First thing l'm wondering is financially bc if you've had the house for awhile wouldn't it have a ton of equity by now even split with your partner, house prices are mad in Aus atm. Could solve many of the financial wows sold and just renting instead, if you do or have separated.

That was going to be my other question , so did you two separate then or ?

Just on the depression side of things , l fully agree with Bob l find any form of exercise or doing anything at all actually , really really help me. l'm still working part time and that is also a great go to for me and also helps a lot. But stuff around the house in or outside ,even mowing , jobs in the shed or projects, l'm always building or making something. l also try to get out every 2nd day or so, drive over to other towns pick some stuff up or grab a bite, makes a huge difference for me.Same with wkends, making an effort if it's gonna be a nice day especially, driving over to the beach or river, being around people, walking. Bought a new fishing rod a few wks back wanna try a bit of that.

A lot of any of that l do have to really push myself to even move and often think stuff it, just stay home but when l do push myself out the door, man, what a difference it can make. Bit of music in the car is also a huge pick up for me.

Hang in there,try stuff.

Re: I Don't Feel Alive Anymore.

Bob_22 — Wed, 20 Dec 2023 06:38:43 GMT

Hi Golden Serpent,

Thanks so much for the update, it means a lot. Yes I have graduated now and am very thankful to be working in the industry. Unfortunately I'll be working throughout the holiday period but it's good as it gives me a chance to save up. I'm glad you feel connected here. It sounds like you're going through so much at the moment especially with the lesion on your frontal lobe. Please remember to take care of yourself and reach out if needed.

Trying to practice what I preach I will unfortunately be pulling back on the forums now that I'm working full time. I had originally intended to return to full capacity after finishing TAFE but am struggling to continue to wear my "peer worker" hat on the BB forums after coming home from work.

Thank you for your correspondence and support. It means a lot to be able to connect with others like you here. I hope you build off of this and continue to grow as you move through your recovery journey.

Thank you so much.

Bob