topic Re: depression - life in Depression

depression - life

randomxx — Tue, 21 Nov 2023 12:44:50 GMT

Sometimes l think what is this dream thing, happiness, should l just give up? lf l haven't got it by now later 50s l really must be dreamin right, ldk , but l wonder lately , a lot !

l've had it,l've been so lucky through large periods in huge ways and highs in life, but for some crazy reason things get lost or we stuff it up or they just pass and it seems the next faze comes along,like some yo yo.

l take any time comes along through things, days and routines l like now, to enjoy whatever it is, been making a big point of that last few yrs. So many things l took for granted before or it was all about the end dream instead of the living in between, worst thing you can do is fall for that trap.

lt really does help a lot too, big or small, mostly small atm but then life's made up of so many little things too isn't it you realize that we should've made sure we enjoyed long ago. lt's not all about the big stuff but the journey too, well, so l see now.

And it does make a huge difference, sometimes l even chuckle to myself at just how beautiful and enjoyable the small things in life are now that l do.

Buttttt, sadness unfortunately,depression from sadness, from the things giving you sadness, is usually all about the far far bigger things too unfortunately. Loneliness, or not where you wanted to be, or things lost.

l'll have to move next yr and that's really messing with me too. l'd have been here 8yrs by then, longest l've stopped anywhere since l left home, even while married, we moved a lot.

l don't know where l wanna go, l'll start browsing next yr, but l don't wanna buy another house straight away either, probably won't be able to at that time anyway so just as well l don't want to then right. Relationships looking lost, another thing l don't thing l took enough care of or to enjoy,my only true relationship since married 10yrs back. Brothers moved back to Melb 12mths ago, my main sort of mate too plus brother since l moved here. Haven't made one friend in 8yrs- another reason l have to move, enoughs enough. Although l have really enjoyed living here and this time though, the house itself type thing, views, the morngs,at least that's something.

But everything just feels stupid and lost and aimless and do you even bother to care anymore seems like this is what you end up with anyway.

ldk.

Re: depression - life

therising — Tue, 21 Nov 2023 19:21:20 GMT

Hi rx

I feel for you so deeply, so much, as you face such a painful sense of wonder while pondering life's path. While I believe a sense of wonder is one our natural born gifts, it's a gift that can come with such intense and tormenting challenges as life becomes more complex, that's for sure. So important to maintain a simple sense of wonder at times, remembering to meditate on the kind of things that we did as a child (finding shapes in clouds, butterflies in the garden, how exciting the rain is to stand under at the end of a 5 day seriously hot and dry spell in summer etc).

If what they say is true and life is designed to be a learning experience, it's completely understandable that we'd say on occasion 'I'm done learning, for a while anyway. I want a break from learning'. It's kinda like 'I don't want the challenges involved in learning from a depressing relationship that's going down hill. I don't want to learn about stressful financial challenges. I don't want to learn how to manage my breathing and my nervous system in times of overwhelming stress. How about I just don't have the stress. I don't want to learn how to manage other people's incredibly triggering natures. It's all just too much hard work' and the list goes on. 'I just want to live a life that's easy, while not having to almost constantly learn'.

I think a large part of the learning experience can come down to developing intuition. That little voice inside our head that we're supposed to develop and trust in comes with its own challenges. While I think 'Isn't it meant to make life easier (while acting as some guide, compass or sat nav)?', at times it can direct us toward even greater challenges and it's like 'I want easy, not even harder'. For example, if it dictates 'It's time to move house, to start a new part of your life. Have no fear as this move comes to serve you in ways you're yet to imagine', the challenges can involve finding somewhere else, having the money to afford the move, perhaps doing it largely by yourself and the list goes on. So, it's a matter of greater challenge in order to obtain a greater sense of ease and joy in the long run. Highly intuitive people may say 'The art of listening involves listening through every step along the way, not just the direction in the beginning ('It's time to move'). While that little voice we're meant to trust in may direct us to a place we'd never consider in a million years while suggesting how to make the move affordable, on top of suggesting who'll best serve us in the move, the real challenge involves not dismissing all this that comes to mind. Perhaps life would be much easier if we were all highly intuitive, as opposed to being just little bit this way, creating a battle between 2 minds. Then we'd have faith that everything works out for the best, without a doubt, while feeling fully guided along the way. While a lot of folk will say something (intuition) tells them 'One day at a time, one step at a time', how to trust in that strategy and master it like a pro can become a whole new challenge that perhaps we've never had to work with before today. If we're in the habit of focusing on the past and fearing the future, this in itself can be a hard habit to break.

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Tue, 21 Nov 2023 21:26:55 GMT

Hey rising , and thanks for that.

You put so much into people round here, you know that right , and l'd be pretty sure they must appreciate your care very much ,so enjoy that while your at it eh.

learning though ahhh, l've had enough of learning, l just wanna be, as minimalist as possible. Was reading somewhere how women love all about learning , funny really and my gf's the same- or she might be ex now, not sure yet. Me l've had to learn so much right through, my business, marriage, decisions , art when l was painting, property, new areas states , cities, how to be the best dad l could, computers, the curse of modern times l reckon,mext it'll be AI - enough already, but it hasn't even begun, how to manage money after marriage she did all that ha,l couldn't even pay a bloody power bill, or my phone, so many changes-a lot of it my own fault- too towy, too restless , too reckless, too many dreams, as l use to say, an artists head is a dangerous place - not goin there anymore.

l want light, minimalist , talk light live light, laugh, live, no more heavy for me, enough of heavy for me.

l suppose l've been lucky in those intuitive ways you talk about, mine have always been far stronger than norm, even as a kid l'd see everything that was gonna happen while others would just be surprised when it did. ldk, fat lot of good it's done me though , still like that of course it doesn't leave ya, it gets stronger , but l don't want it anymore,l just wanna be like everyone else now,

They enjoyed the simplistic and valued it took care of it appreciated it, all the things in life l use to see past , but normal ways are what your suppose to do l reckon , it pays off much more than being all complicated.

Women are incredible like that , l admire it so much now. Ex w, gf now, same, it's so important in life. That's why l finally woke up and started smelling those roses.

Yaknow, who gives a fk what we're having for tea was me, well we should right, teas beautiful right, foods beautiful , eating together is too, lap it up.

Came here to be close to my d and ex and still be the best parents possible while she grew up and she could still come and go as normally as possible. She drives now ha, comes sremin in, that's what l wanted. Brings lunch, we talk and laugh. Before she was 20mins away so ex could run her over anytime or l'd go grab her or pick her up at school or wkends or anytime.

She's been living here too , it's served it's purpose, can't complain for sure and l';m so thkfull. And l thought well, if l like it there later and still wanna stay when she's grown up,l will , if not then l'll move.

We've had some beautiful times just being , and this place has been very special too with it's peace and views and chill.

Just yesterday she screams in with cakes and lunch we sit out front on the porch couch talkin away- laughing at birds,that's what it's about right, that's why l came here.

Re: depression - life

indigo22 — Wed, 22 Nov 2023 06:47:24 GMT

Hi Randomxx,

I just wanted to throw an idea into the mix that you may not have thought about as yet. You said that you are going to move next year but don't know where you want to go. I was wondering if getting a caravan or mobile home and travelling might be a way of helping to lift your spirits. Seeing new places and meeting new people could be therapeutic for you. It could also be a way of finding somewhere you would like to live when you are done travelling. Just a thought but may not be right for you.

Take care,

indigo

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Wed, 22 Nov 2023 12:10:57 GMT

Hi there indigo and thx for that.

Funny you should suggest that one bc yep, that's what l've been thinking too.

Yaknow, l just wanna be free for awhile you know. Free from life and commitments and house payments and bills and worries and work and never ending things l gotta do.

Ex w and l did a lot of moving younger doing exactly that but l mean l loved it then we wanted to do it while we were young, only thing is l'm just not sure how l feel about it now. But l do just wanna be free of it all for awhile again, that much l know and l just don't wanna deal with more properties and all the crap and responsibilities,not right now anyway sooo, been thinking l might just do it.

l suppose if l don't like it there's always plan b right , whatever that is haha.

Take care to and thanks again.

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Wed, 22 Nov 2023 12:43:18 GMT

Feeling so strange last 6 mths, yr or 3 actually, so mixed.

One minute and it was just happening today actually. Actually moments of feel goods, contentedness , chuckles at how good was that, 5 mins or a few hrs of nice. like when my d was over other day and we sat out front, or l haven't been working last few wks, wandered out this morning hmmm, think l'll go mess around in the shed, sun pouring in, the magic sun.

And then there's a thud, that thud, they've passed and your back where you were, reality.

Maybe l should try the good old fake it till you make it ,does anyone use that one?

Re: depression - life

therising — Wed, 22 Nov 2023 19:16:30 GMT

Hi rx

Can understand why young people are advised 'Speak with someone who's had more life experience' (aka someone who's done a lot of learning). It's funny how perception changes and how, when we were young, most of us thought we knew it all. We thought we knew better than those old people in their 50s 😅. At 53, I don't feel that old. I simply like to look at it as being at stage 53. While life's tough at times, it's a privilege to have reached this stage. Not everyone makes it this far. With the learning curve, the question becomes 'How to do stage 53?'. Took some years but I figured out that finding people like yourself who are able to open the minds of others is definitely one of the ways to go. Hard to evolve with a closed mind. I appreciate your view on things, your honesty, philosophy, your need to question and so much more.

You have an impressive level of intuition, well developed over time. Managing a lot of intuitive stuff is definitely not easy at times. It's like if you're a seer and you can see what's going to happen and it's stressful, can be a challenge to manage the stress. If you're a feeler and you can feel the nature of things and triggering people, can be a challenge to master that too. If you're a hearer (of guiding inner dialogue) and stuff just comes to you from out of the blue, like 'You can't keep following the same path, repeating the same old things, while expecting change', the challenge comes with hearing the truth while not knowing how to change. While there are advantages to being a seer, feeler and hearer, there are incredible challenges too. Learning how to switch all that off at will or tap into it in different ways, so that things don't become stressful and/or depressing at times, is a major part of the challenge.

The 'reality' factor's an interesting one. What's real? It's a fascinating topic, the nature of reality, whether being explored from the perspective of quantum physics right through to spirituality. I once heard a theory that makes sense: The state of consciousness we're in dictates our reality at any given time. So, if we're conscious of everything that depressing, life will appear as depressing. If we're conscious of everything that anxiety inducing, life will appear as incredibly stressful. If we're made fully conscious of so much beauty in this world, life will appear as beautiful. And the list goes on. With our state of consciousness constantly shifting, based on a number of positive or negative triggers throughout our day, year or life, our sense of reality will constantly shift. You're so blessed to have a daughter who leads you to feel the reality of great beauty, peace and joy.

With the brilliant idea of the caravan, how does that look, how does it feel and what sage-like advice comes to mind when you consider it? Could your reality become 'I am one happy camper, living the simple life'?😊

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Wed, 22 Nov 2023 21:36:22 GMT

Hey rising and thanks for the thoughts and words.

Yeah l don't feel old at all either and l'm lucky in that way don't look it or act it either ha, l even wonder if that crazy Musk will have his AI develop the anti age pill before l do, then l'll take some of those and kick on another 100 yrs right.

Funny about being young yeah isn't it ,always had my own ideas way different to anyone else, learnt early on in school just shutup about them or be laughed at, don't even mention them to dad you'll just be told you can't do that. My d is very different to and l've watched her for yrs and just hoped she could be that norm instead. As boring as it looks, it's not a bad path, and much easier, and a lot of them have turned out to seem happier in their normal lives than the different now, after all this time, shoulda gone that way maybe.

When l've had the chance over the yrs, met someone really old, l've listened to them now , how they talk , attitudes, laugh , lives they've lead , just watched them and between the lines and have they had a happy life,how are they really feeling about their paths now.

You know it's fact, that simpler people have the happiest lives, and over weight people too , how bout that, and guess what, older enters are happier than people with property, this is what they;'ve found- who would've thought eh.

But l can see it now and l've noticed it too right through life. Like those older people, the simpler ones always seemed the happiest, noticed that.

Speaking of learning,thought about you the other day. Gf's doing a psychology course atm , if you wanna take on some learning l tell ya what, that will def' give you a work out, very very very intense stuff.l wish she'd just dump it,it's turned her into even more of a mess,if she does the second phase, another3 yrs, l'm out - for sure, not dealing with it.

We were in life and about life now exactly the same place, but now the simplicity she craved too is blown out of the water and she's a different person. l knew it was a terrible move her taking it on , and exactly what it'd do, damn it.

but eh ,maybe you'll handle it differently or could do some other course that interest you.

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Thu, 23 Nov 2023 13:01:21 GMT

ldk what l expected here , nothing too much l suppose.But l know there's a lot of people through the place going through ll sorts of things and maybe some relate.

One thing though was that l don't actually talk that much in rl and no one knows any of much of things right now except gf which we talk about all this stuff many times normally and as l say we've always been at about the same place in life.

She's had very serious on going problems to though since before we met and 31/2 yrs into us which really took it out of her and her mh and lately now she's been doing this course so she's over loaded to max. Don't even know how she's handling it, she isn't actually hence our break atm and her frame right now.

ldk, l often write in circles my way of working through things it often brings me to a realization or outcome. sUPPose given the gf situation atm or not, there isn't really anyone else l wanna go into this stuff with so for any poor sod reading , God help ya you've got my sympathy but thanks too.

Been thinking about everything, firstly mh but 2ndly an idea about next yr. l don't like or need a lot of people , but the way things have gone, one or two close enough would be really nice right now, especially with the gf sitch. The brother that's moved to Melb has gone a bit weird, yet we've been mates up here 15yrs all up basically, so much for that. The other brother l'm close to has just met a new lady 12mths, he's in love. l'm happy for him but l miss our calls and talk too, he's in qld.

Things always change. Whta friends there's been always move or l have, the few family l'm close to move to or meet loves, ldk, been a pattern my whole.

My d's absolutely gorgeous such a beautiful old soul, but of course can't lay this stuff on her or worry her with my crap.

YRs back l excepted that l'll never have life friends bc they'll always move or change but tit'd be nice right now for sure. Thing about gf too she's changed by the minute since we met,mainly with everything she's been going through herself which was huge stuff but now to again with this damn course that's messing her up . l need dependable reliable woman just like she'd need that same in her man.

Re: depression - life

therising — Thu, 23 Nov 2023 18:19:56 GMT

Hi rx

While I appreciate hindsight and all it offers in the way of learning, I think it can feel a bit cruel at times. The amount of times we might hear our self say 'If only I knew then what I know now' can be plenty. I'd heard someone once say 'Life it like a net, a network of intersecting points. Every time you get to an intersecting point of the net, you make a choice. You can either keep going along the same line, turn left or turn right but you can never go backwards'. I suppose hindsight, to some degree, is about looking back over that net. I think the most important thing comes down to finally realising the net exists or some form or it anyhow. Perhaps it's more a map with detours, main roads, simple paths, huge potholes (depressions), stressful points filled with fear and anxiety, learning curves etc etc. I think a strong intuition makes networking easier, getting a feel for the best direction at any given time or seeing where it's going to lead or, at the very least, hearing that inner dialogue that could sound like 'Whatever you do, don't go down that path'.

I have great respect for anyone who studies psychology, your gf included. The amount of work involved in it is what led my daughter to not choose it beyond VCE. While she loved learning about the basics for a couple of years, the memory required for learning all the terminology and the complexities of it was too mentally taxing in her opinion. That level of commitment requires a serious passion. While I appreciate so much about psychology and considered seriously studying it on a couple of occasions in my life, I've found parts of it are too complex while not taking simplicity or what's natural into account. I prefer the psycho-spiritual approach. A bit of a mix. I appreciate Carl Jung's theories.

How great would it be if, as a child, we were given skills when it comes to social circles. Would make life so much easier. How to identify a circle of people, how to develop one, how to join one, how to find exactly the right one (depending on where we're at and what we need to give or gain) at any given time in our life, recognising the need to move out of one (for our own good), how to manage when the circle we're in starts to disintegrate while people go their separate ways etc. Winging it through life without these skills is definitely a challenge. Being somewhat of an introvert tends to add to the challenge.🙂

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Thu, 23 Nov 2023 22:05:30 GMT

yeah , friends , circles, are a weird thing , and so many people disappoint, there's such a lack of depth these days too, even my d notices that.lt's the shallowness of these times of fb's, text, business and internet in a lot of cases too. But then as we get older people have their own lives too. l've been very lucky i life that in almost at any time or anywhere, l've just come across that one person l really click with, but through no fault of mine or theirs either, circumstances changed, moves or new partners, or something.

As l said, that's been my pattern, nothing you can do about it.Hoping my next move will be the last , then maybe to l don't move or they don't either.

ln this town though , nothing, in all this time. l always knew, knew day one l wouldn't fit in here , but the house itself ha been beautiful , and the living it too, especially for me and my d, and that was all it's main purpose first of all so can't complain and l'm so grateful for all that. But the people aspect is of no surprise at all.

That course, yeah , it's heavy stuff lright, and l know what you mean there's much of it and their theories and way they think and work l don't agree with either. Thta's why l knew it would mess gf up so much, no surprises it's done exactly what l knew it would.

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Thu, 23 Nov 2023 22:36:38 GMT

Mind you , not that l'm blaming gf for our situation , that's just one area of it that's of late iced the cake.

She's wanted to move down and into mine 3yrs now and start life, she's been all for it, and waited and waited. l've been the hold up not her. lf l would've committed things would've been very different, poor thing l've felt much guilt.

lt's a complicated story that's in my other thread but anyway.

l'm a pretty decisive person usually but for different reasons l've just never quite been able to get myself over the line with us, and that's why it's where it's at , it's my fault.

Gods or instinct l'm not sure which have for some reason been blocking me and yeah, all that alone probably a sign , l know. Could be she's just not the one for me .

l've tossed up about all that 1000 times bc she's such a rare and special person, and what we have is also very rare and so special , what more could l want buttt, still, just haven't quite gotten myself over the line.

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Fri, 24 Nov 2023 12:10:15 GMT

The brother that was up near me, gees he's weird. He's always been weird. We should be best mates after 15yrs up here being the only two in the family for 250k and many times in many ways it's been as if it was our world up here, and our thing.

l've always known what he's like though, he'll even give me a hug if we haven't seen ea other.He still has a place up here and comes up every wk or two, most of the time doesn't even tell me, and boom , his back down town.

But it means nothing, you always know that with him , the same as it means nothing in that no matter how close you feel you might be, it has no depth.

He's been back down town 12mths, has called twice. We use to catch up and have a drink and yarn every wk, often twice a wk, but you knew that had no depth to it either.

l've been within ks of their place down there a dozen times when l'm down there or passing through, not once, once, has he even invited me to drop in.

Everyone else in the family do or would if they knew l'd be going down, him, nothing. 15 yrs, nothing. ls it her, don't know that either l like her but l've never trusted her. she usually fusses over me a lot when l do see her though , she's even flirted with me quite a few times, which l turn away from as tactfully as l can. But l've wondered even with all her nice, is it her, don't know.

Yet she invited my sister down and to stay a wk, in their small unit, and she they don't even like ea other- figure that one out, even brother couldn't believe it.

lt's just so damn strange isn't it.

Re: depression - life

therising — Fri, 24 Nov 2023 19:54:58 GMT

Hi rx

Human nature's such a strange thing. Nature, nurture, life experience, certain epiphanies along the way, a variety of habits and more go toward making it what it is. Whether it's our own nature or the nature of others, can be so challenging at times. Btw, there must be a thing about brothers. I wonder about my brother too. He has the most complex nature out of just about everyone I know. In-laws, hmm, they can definitely trigger a serious sense of wonder for a whole variety of reasons.

Wondering if you ever think at times 'The hardest person to work out in my life is me'. It's strange how you think we'd know our self pretty well but we can always be learning something new. I think we're always in the process of 'waking up', becoming more and more conscious. It's a trip when you have those moments when you consider 'Why do I think the way I do? Why do I suffer so much through this belief or that belief?' and you eventually wake up to the fact it was never your belief to begin with. You could have been living with it the whole of your life and finally, 50 something years later, you hit on the revelation 'No wonder that belief's never served me well, it was put in my head by other people'. You just followed it, thinking it was your own.

I love it when people open my mind. I smile when I say it's so much easier when people can open your mind in a flash, through some amazing revelation, as opposed to taking days, months or even years to reach the same revelation on your own. Do you ever find there are times where you really miss feeling revelations, the kind of high and feeling of pure inspiration and energy they bring? There's no feeling like it, especially when it comes to the major ones. I can feel myself in desperate need of some lately.

Re: depression - life

randomxx — Fri, 24 Nov 2023 22:03:16 GMT

Hey rising .

You know, you have this thing of what family is or what you'd like it to be or think it should be , but they to like most, usually disappoint, shame really butttt, l excepted that a long time ago, tis what it tis. they are what they are.

Strange again in that dad and mum were both very very loyal and true people, yet it hasn't passed through to most of the family.Huge family, there are one or two of us, but the rest- forget how huggy they are, it's just bs, means nothing.

Nope l don't wonder or miss that, l have so many things goin on l don't need more and l know myself pretty well.mind you, still get the odd surprise but rare and mind you again, thing with gf, l don't quite get what is going on with me.

lf it was anyone else telling me that about their thing l'd see it instant and tell them , l have actually, well she's just not the one. But as l was saying, our thing is different, it's no where near as cut and dry unfortunately .

l do still get amazed at how little a lot of other people seem to see or truly understand or acknowledge themselves though, or even realize things they do, it's mind boggling.

On brothers, they can be disconnected , l mean as a mate to a mate though or as in with any of mine, that's a totally different thing so l don;t mean it in that way, especially with the one that lives up near mine but with sisters most def, or other family sometimes.

One of my sisters moved up here too few yrs back , but anything with her is nothing like the brothers. l hardly see her, she'd be on the door step if l let it. but l just don't enjoy being around her, we're totally different people l like totally different women to who she is. she's so airy fairy, her heads everywhere, she doesn't have the grounding or natural seeings l like in women, even as a sister, unfortunately, what can ya do.

On the other hand,one of my other sisters l hadn't seen in 20yrs bc we lived interstate ,huge family, a few we just never saw. Never felt any connection with her anyway earlier in life so it was neither here or there.

she's a professor , not really my thing at all either anyway. Buttttt, did l get a surprise from that one, as l say, been 20yrs.

She called me last yr about some Christmas thing and l tell ya what, one of the nicest calls l've ever had with any of the sisters and oddly after all those yrs, we've kept in touch a little since now after all this time. She's grounded , easy to talk too , common sense, sees things, it blew my mind tbh , hope to vatch up in person sometime.

Soooo, it all depends.

We don't usually waste time especially with sisters they're just a different animal, if we just aren't feelin it.

Re: depression - life

therising — Mon, 27 Nov 2023 19:11:55 GMT

Hi rx

Close relationships are definitely a learning experience. If it wasn't for the challenges of my marriage, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself over the past 20 something years. Same goes for my kids. If not for my kids, I may not have ever come to truly understand what love really means to me and I may not have ever come to know what it means to adore people so intensely in such a deep heartfelt way.

While relationships with other and our self will test us, the tests involved can all be so different. We can be tested on how patient we are, tested on our level of devotion and determination, tested on our ability to open our mind and think more outside the square, tested on just how much we can develop the ability to feel for others, tested on stretching our tolerance levels and so much more. Then there can be a whole stack of other tests of a different nature. I believe the test or tests to develop aspects of self can be the most challenging. We can be tested on bringing the communicator in us to life, when perhaps having never been given the skills in life for excellent communication. We can be tested on bringing the excitement seeker in us to life, when certain relationships never came with all that much excitement to begin with and the list goes on. Then there can be the test of establishing what can be a kind of new found relationship with someone we haven't seen for some time. While that relationship may hold some old and familiar facets to it, people change over the years and their change in nature (coupled with our own change in nature) can test the connection we have with them.

Then there are the kinds of tests which would have to be my least favourite. They're the ones where I have no idea exactly what I'm being tested on, what I'm being asked to examine. It's kind of like you can be facing a challenge that feels legitimately depressing and the test in some way is to figure out what it's all about. Can take days, weeks, months or even years to work some out but when you do, there's nothing that compares to the feeling of a mind altering life changing revelation that just screams 'You've passed! Graduate to the next level'.

In revisiting the idea of simplicity, simple tests can be such a relief. 🙂