topic Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear in Depression

I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

cv02 — Tue, 05 Sep 2023 13:27:50 GMT

I was diagnosed with Major Depression 4 years ago and went to a psychologist, went on meds, finished up, got better, had a relapse, did the same cycle again, got better- haven't felt depressed or anxious in a while - then BOOM! I overhear that my (extremely supportive) manager is quitting and well I had to pop an AD just to calm my body down. I can feel my mind going down the very familiar paths of undertainty and doubt. I HATE THIS FEELING.

Looking at the situation logically - I am happily married, have a job, a house, a big ass mortgage, 2 wonderful kids and even a tesla. But instead of feeling grateful all I'm feeling is a sense of fear for the future and an inadequacy that I can't keep up with my life, my debts, I fear of getting fired and not having a job. Of going through the debilitating pain that I went through 4 years ago. Change is good. But I hate change. I have to learnt to live with change.

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

therising — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 05:27:21 GMT

Hi cv02

I feel for you so much, given the changes you face, your fears when it comes to being able to manage them, your fears when it comes to your mental health (how it'll perhaps be impacted) and even the fears that come with how to manage the kind of inner dialogue that can come to mess with us at times. So much to manage.

It took me a number of decades to reach the realisation 'I can feel myself entering into a challenge'. Of course, not the most pleasant feeling at times. Also took me some years to realise 'Okay, this means the development of new skills or skill sets'. Life would be so much easier if we were completely irresponsible and insensitive. We'd be sitting back without a care, not taking responsibility for change while not being able to sense any need for change. Ahh, to be completely unfeeling.

While I used to think of 'triggers' as things relating to what sets off dark inner dialogue, my nervous system and other things, I came to realise there are so many positive triggers as well. For example, seeing your manger is a trigger to feel relief, a trigger to feel a sense of support and reassurance. Their words might be a trigger to help you see the best way forward. When someone's good for our imagination, it's an inspiring and calming thing. So, I've found sometimes managing depression and anxiety is about recognising the loss of a trigger. It's one less we have in the ways in which we manage being a deeply feeling or sensitive person. While an inspiring guide in some form is a major positive key, there can also be a lot of tiny little not so obvious keys that can make some difference on occasion. For example, a tiny little key for me has come to involve perfume or you could say an outside the square form of aromatherapy. Each bottle of perfume I have represents and emotion I either want or need to feel under certain circumstances. '4711' is a perfume my Nanna use to wear when I was little (before she passed). It always leads me to feel calm and happy. Under stress I put it on and smell my wrist when I need a hit of calm. It also leads me to imagine what she'd say to me, while I'm under stress. So, the perfume acts as a positive trigger for emotion and inner dialogue.

I think we can genuinely feel deeply grateful for all we have in life but being grateful for what have (such as privileges and good health) doesn't always make what is anxiety inducing or deeply depressing easier to manage. I think it is fair to say 'I am a deeply grateful person who still has certain fears and who still faces what feels deeply depressing at times'. We can be an intensely grateful and deeply feeling person at the same time.

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

indigo22 — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 07:53:16 GMT

Hi cv02,

Welcome, I am sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time right now. Reading your post, I have 2 observations. Hearing that someone who is supportive is moving on and won't be there for you has taken you out of your comfort zone and because you don't know how things will turn out as a result of this change, your anxiety is back. There is no point in you trying to look at this situation from a logical point of view, this is emotional feedback from your nervous system and there is no amount of logic that can solve this. Have you tried any of your coping strategies from your previous episodes?

I would like to suggest looking into Polyvagal Theory, there are books by both Stephen Porges and Deb Dana, it depends what you are more able to follow. Stephen's books are fairly heavy going, whereas Deb's books are written more for the therapist and lay person. You will learn tools to help you understand and manage the nervous system reactions of shut down, freeze, flight, fight, and regulation.

I hope this helps.

Take care,

indigo22

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

cv02 — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 03:10:11 GMT

Thanks Indigo. I have to admit that right now I'm freaking out mentally which is stupid because nothing has happened. As stupid as this sounds I don't remember any coping mechanisms from the past. I just remember taking my meds, the situation getting better and then life moving on. I feel as though I blocked them all out once the situation resolved itself and I have been living in an ignorant bliss. But now the weight of the world is on my shoulders - my wife, kids, mortgage, food for tomorrow, general responsibility. I've been trying some meditation and exercise but the muscle just isn't there yet. I'll also look up what you mentioned.

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

David35 — Sat, 09 Sep 2023 13:59:34 GMT

It sounds like financial uncertainty. Maybe your old boss provided that with feedback, reassurance, etc. Not knowing how much your new boss understands your depression and how secure your job is would trigger feelings of doubt.

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

cv02 — Tue, 03 Oct 2023 04:05:07 GMT

Wow. So I was right about my manager leaving which I had anticipated and gave me intial depressive feelings. I guess my feelings were simply telling me that a change is ABOUT to happen and to be ready. I'm however coping as best as I could. Normal and carefree? Definitely not. But depressed - surprisingly no. I've been working on uplifting my values and beliefs and have been doing daily meditation when I wake up and before I sleep. I am very concerned for the future - how will I pay for my mortgage, my kids, food on the table etc but I'm starting to just have faith for the future that I'll be ok. And that I'm lucky - I live in a great country with great people and great support.

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

indigo22 — Tue, 03 Oct 2023 04:36:31 GMT

Hi again cv02,

You sound like you are doing all the right things to keep your anxiety in check, they are great tools and will benefit you in a cumulative way the more you practice them. Keep up your good habits and we will be here when you need a little extra support.

Take care,

indigo

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

cv02 — Wed, 18 Oct 2023 21:08:03 GMT

Ok so I'm mentally freaking out and am pretty much looking forward to taking meds and waiting for it to kick in so that I'll feel the tiniest bit normal. I'd already written this but by all accounts I am a normal person. 40 yrs old, house, job, wife, kids. But all I can seem to focus on is having to "keep this up" for another 20 years and not having the energy to do it. I'm pretty sure my job is a major cause of my depression. Which is stupid as I'm the lowest of the low in my team (as in level) even though I've been doing the same job for 10 years! I'm a management accountant by the way so I have to deal with business budgeting and office politics on the daily. But because of the level of role I'm only involved with a small part of it. Do I enjoy it? meh but I can't seem to imagine a future anywhere else (i.e. doing anything else or a different organisation). So I feel stuck. I feel like I have to stay so I can pay the bills and keep up my responsibility for my kids, be an example for them to never give up, but am also continually imagining that I will get fired or redundant or have a shitty manager or just be a loser in general tomorrow. All these useless ruminating thoughts going round and around my head while everyone else grows and gets promoted (rightly so as I can see that they deserve it).

How does everyone else do it? How does everyone deal with financial uncertainty and jobs (not even career) WITH anxiety and depression? I genuinely want to know as I feel like my life depends on it.

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

indigo22 — Thu, 19 Oct 2023 02:24:05 GMT

Hi cv02,

I'm sorry to hear you have been having a difficult time again, you seemed to be doing better a couple of weeks ago. I hope you are still using those strategies as they will help to keep your nervous system calmer.

I understand those ruminating thoughts that play on a loop. I have been dealing with them myself for a couple of weeks over a situation that I didn't cause, but have had to pay for psychologically, emotionally, financially and physically.

So let me break that down for you so you can use these tools for your own situation.

I was affected psychologically because there was a lack of communication and information for 3 months. That affected me emotionally because I was becoming more angry about the situation as time went on. It affected me financially because I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands and find a solution which meant paying out money I could ill afford. The situation is affecting me physically because I am having to find the energy to do the very thing that the people who have not been communicating are responsible for doing.

It has been difficult to reframe these ruminating thoughts but at the end of the day, I have no control over what other people do. I have a choice to be a victim or come up with a strategy for dealing with a situation that is beyond my control. I can see myself as being persecuted or as just dealing with people who have no idea what they are doing. I can remain angry and ruminate about it or see it as a challenge and face it head on with a 'can do' mindset.

So what I am thinking for your situation, since you are an accountant and there is always a need for your skill set, could you begin to build a business from home. Starting off with word of mouth from people you know, perhaps an add in the local newspaper or on social media for your location. This way you are taking control of a situation you feel you have no control over. By building up a business from home, you are automatically covered if something should happen with your job in the future because you already have a source of income that you can then grow further. Who knows, maybe it will take off sooner rather than later and you will be the one deciding whether or not to stay at your job. This is just a suggestion, but I am sure you can see where I am going here with the reframing of ruminating thoughts.

I hope this helps a little,

indigo22

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

cv02 — Thu, 19 Oct 2023 07:15:13 GMT

Thanks Indigo. I honestly appreciate the sentiment but I'm not THAT type of accountant (i.e. Tax or even Generalised accounting). I'm more the type that learned process specific to my organisation which I feel is absolutely useless in the outside world. I get where you are coming from in terms of opening my own business (ie affiliate marketing or ANY other type of business for that matter) but, especially while I'm in a depressed state, the fear of failure and lack of funds pretty much gets me back to reality.

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

indigo22 — Thu, 19 Oct 2023 09:48:44 GMT

I totally understand your response and want you to know that I was not suggesting that you look at something like that right now but may be worth keeping it in mind for when you have been on meds for a while and are feeling better. I guess what I am trying to say is that instead of ruminating about what could go wrong, try ruminating on how you could you improve your future. Doing a short course in something that you would love try, or doing a long course in something that could eventually replace what you are doing now. Give yourself something to look forward to. You are stronger than you think you are. You have been through this twice before and you got through it both times, I am sure you can get through it again, just be sure you have your supports in place. Put the helpline numbers on your phone, see a counsellor regularly, communicate with your loved ones about how you are feeling, post on the forums when you need some extra support, I will be here to listen.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

cv02 — Mon, 30 Oct 2023 22:48:49 GMT

Lots of changes going on and I absolutely hate it. I want to scream and shout but I know it's not useful and I need to keep lookin strong and normal for my kids. Rationally nothing big is happening - my boss' boss is moving on. Which means I get completely new management and both my boss and my boss' boss who were the only ones who knew and have been supportive of my depression is moving on. I realise that this is just life and I should just "get over it" but it feels like the support structures in my work environment has just completely disappeared. I just wish money wasn't an issue and that I didn't have to work but of course that's not the way that the world works. I have to trudge along for both my wife and kids for the next god knows how long just waiting for the day until I kick the bucket. And of course I'll do it for them. I just wish I wasn't so damn tired all the time. And of course I'm scared. Scared of losing my job. Scared of losing my house. Scared of not being able to give my kids the life THEY deserve. How the hell do people do it????

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

indigo22 — Tue, 31 Oct 2023 05:10:57 GMT

Hi cv02,

Firstly I want to point out that when you say "nothing big is happening", it is actually what started your downward spiral again, so for you it is a big thing. In your state of mind, you can't just "get over it" because it is what is causing your distress.

Are you talking to anybody? Your wife, a friend, a counsellor about what you are dealing with.

Have you started on medication as yet?

It is really important that you don't try to deal with this alone, it will just make things worse by not talking about it, and the ruminating will wear you down. What you don't want in this situation is to make yourself so unwell that you are unable to function in any area of your life, that is your worst case scenario that you have been ruminating on.

I want to share with you a situation I was in about 8 years ago. I had lost my entire family (parents and 2 bothers) except for my sister who is a narcissist and took great pleasure in making life difficult for me. I was living with my mother as her carer and when she passed (she was the last to pass) and my sister came at me with lawyers within weeks of her passing. She demanded to see the will, made accusations that I had misused my power of attorney etc. I hade been really struggling to keep my depression at bay throughout losing my family members but I reached a point of feeling completely broken after my mother passed. So I not only had to deal with my grief, but also Centrelink, who made me go through the long process of appeals that went on for 2 years, and my sister, who made me go through 4 years of dealing with her through lawyers. I had no partner, no children, no siblings to draw any strength from and I was having suicidal ideation because I wasn't coping, however I had been talking to a social worker throughout. I was really afraid of what the future was going to hold. I didn't know where I was going to live or how I was going to live with no family at age 51. My sister had turned her children against me so the only family I have now is my brother's son and daughter. The lawyers suggested that the case be handled through mediation and when everything was settled, my sister demanded that the house go to auction regardless of the fact that I was really struggling with my mental health at the time, in fact I think she probably got pleasure out of putting me under a bit more pressure. At least at that point I had some idea of what I could do in the way of finding somewhere to live so I looked at places that were far away from her and within a price range I could afford. I bought a house outright (it needs a lot of work but at least it is mine) because I never wanted to be in a position again where someone else had control over my survival in that way. I have never looked back, I have good neighbors, it's a small town with only one set of traffic lights, I am 360km away from my sister and I am happy here.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but I am here to listen.

indigo

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

cv02 — Tue, 31 Oct 2023 10:44:33 GMT

Thanks Indigo. Thank you for sharing your story as I know that you don't need to. It suprisingly helps hearing other people's story as it makes me realise that everyone is going through something - regardless of how different. I have been weaning off my meds but I have definitely started them again after today. I'm due to see my GP next week to talk about a mental health plan. Funny how I'm worried about finances and the future and I'm opting into to pay at least $100 per session to talk to a psychologist. I understand about the suicidal ideation as I too have felt that before when I was in a really bad place. If anything that's what I'm really scared of - being, feeling like that again. Anyways, I'm grateful that you shared your details.

Re: I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

indigo22 — Wed, 01 Nov 2023 02:52:54 GMT

I'm really glad to hear you are seeing your GP to set up a mental health plan, I know it can be expensive, I have recently started seeing a therapist again as there are still some things from my past that haven't been healed.

Stay on your meds for as long as it takes to give you a chance to find some balance again and think of the cost of seeing a therapist as insurance against sinking into that black hole again. Good mental health is essential to navigating life in a balanced way. I don't know about you, but I never want to feel that bad again.

Let me know how things are going.

indigo